Homecoming - Sanctuary
Title: Homecoming
Author(s): escapes
Artist: solostrightnow
Rating:NC-17 just in case
Disclaimer:I don't own them, just the order in which most of the words are strung together.
Characters/Pairings:Nuke
Word Count: 50, 000 plus
Warnings: You are going to have to trust me. Be warned that there is angst. i can't give you more without completely ruinding the story.
Spoilers: None.
Summary: Sometimes the hardest battle in the war is finding your way back home.
Author’s Notes: This is the Big Bang that I didn't know I'd be writing when the whole thing started. An writer driopped out and since I had an idea I'd been turning over in my head for a year now, I figured I'd give it a go. I think it's some of the best stuff I've writen. Hopefully you'll agree.
Thank you to noelleleithe for the betas that were numerous and short-notice. solostrightnow for the awesome fan mix and being kind enough to let me make suggestions on her awesomeness. Thank you!
Link to Art Master Post: Click, Listen, Be amazed at Yael's great taste in music!
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Luke stands on the bank of Snyder pond, watching the ripples on the moonlit water. The air feels closer than it usually does and there's an almost bitter edge to it on his tongue as he breathes in. Rain is coming.
The crickets are hidden in the high, waving grass on the edges of the water, but they're heard over every sound when some unseen signal starts them up to a rattling crescendo that echoes in his ears. Whatever has signaled them into full noise has stopped as decibel by decibel the rattle tapers off until only a few of them are lingering, tuning up, waiting for the next signal that sets them off.
Luke takes a deep breath, tasting the rain in the air and the musk of the wet earth on the edge of the pond. His eyes move to the horizon as a fruit bat flies off to their neighbor's orchard to find its place to sleep for the day. The sky is slowly moving from indigo towards the silvery gray of dawn and the wind has started to rustle through the cattails and whisper through the leaves in the trees. Luke closes his eyes, soaking up the comfort of home. The place that has seen him at his best and his worst and still embraces him and offers him sanctuary without judgement. He's thankful for that, knowing he's going to need to rely on that more than ever.
Listening with his eyes closed to the rattle of the crickets and feeling the wind caress his face, Luke takes a few deep breaths and opens the box in his hands, letting the papery ashes inside be caught by the wind, sending them floating and pinwheeling through the air, being carried away into the dawn.
When the box is empty, Luke closes it and turns around, walking towards his parents’ house.
* * * * *
When Holden walks down into the kitchen just after sunrise, he's surprised to see Luke there, sitting at the table and staring out the window. Walking up behind his son, he puts a hand on Luke's shoulder to let him know that he's there. When Luke presses into his hand silently, Holden moves his hand to the top of Luke's head and scratches his fingers through Luke's hair, feeling the tension dropping off of him just a little.
"Want a coffee?" Holden asks.
His only answer is a shrug from Luke. Holden fills the coffee pot with water and sets it on to boil. "Did you sleep at all?"
Luke shakes his head.
Detouring to the refrigerator, Holden pours a glass of juice and puts it down in front of Luke. "No coffee then. You're going to go get some sleep after you're done that juice."
Luke wraps his hand around the glass and nods, still looking out of the window.
Holden decides to give Luke some space as he putters around the kitchen, making the coffee and putting toast down and then buttering it when it comes up, watching Luke all the while. When he sets toast in front of Luke he wraps his fingers around the wrist of the hand that's wrapped around the glass of juice. Holden had noticed that Luke would keep that hand pressed to the glass, but wouldn't use it to raise the glass to his mouth.
Luke puts up a little resistance and Holden swallows down a lump of concern in his throat. There is something on that arm that Luke doesn't want him to see. Being a little more firm in his grip, Holden raises Luke's hand and his eyes automatically flicker to the wrist area, assuming the worst. It's clear. He moves his gaze upwards and notices the tips of Luke's fingers are swollen and red, like they'd been burned.
Looking down at Luke, who is evading his eyes, Holden uses his other hand to raise Luke's face by putting his fingers under Luke's chin and tilting his head backwards. The pain in Luke's eyes makes Holden's heart squeeze in his chest, the whites are shot through with red, bloodshot from lack of sleep, but the irises are clear and focused. He relaxes a little, relieved to not find the haze of alcohol or something worse clouding them. "What were you burning?"
Luke's closes his eyes for a moment, not able to turn away from his dad, but needing a moment to break the connection. "Paper."
Luke's voice sounds almost foreign to Holden, deepened by loss and lack of sleep and hoarse from either tears or the stress on his vocal cords of holding them back. He's not sure which. Thinking of the letters that have shown up over the past year addressed to Luke in Noah's handwriting, Holden hopes Luke hasn't been rash and destroyed the only connection he has to Noah now. He'd regret destroying them, Holden knows, and it could end up destroying Luke with guilt.
Deciding to leave the questioning alone, he lets go of Luke's wrist and uses his newly freed hand to smooth the hair back off of Luke's forehead, just like when he was a little boy and upset about something. "I know you're upset, son, and needed some time to get your head together, but no more taking off without telling anyone, okay? You nearly scared your mother to death."
The corner of Luke's mouth twitches upwards as he opens his eyes and Holden sees that they're a lot more glossy than they were a minute ago. "Just Mom?"
Holden smiles and shrugs a shoulder. "Well, it's true, she was beside herself. She's mourning one of her boys and when the other one disappears, she gets even more upset."
Guilt flashes across Luke's eyes at making his mother upset, but Holden can tell that Luke is reading between the lines, figuring out that Holden feels the same way as Lily does.
"Are you mourning for N-noah too?"
Holden wants to curse himself. He's been so wrapped up in being there for Luke, keeping his own feelings hidden until he goes to the farm to do the chores, or goes outside to 'get some air' as his family always teases him about. Just like Luke had waited until he was upstairs at the farm to release the full scale of his grief. He realizes that maybe Luke needs the permission to let go of the tight grip he has on himself right now, that it's okay to grieve for Noah in front of his family.
For as much as he's taught his children that it's okay to show your feelings and to cry when you're upset, Holden realizes that he's always hidden that side of himself from his family and that Luke needs to see that it's okay, now more than ever, before the grief eats his son alive and drives him further into himself, or worse, into the bottom of a bottle.
Even though every part of him is fighting it, his mind insisting that now would be a good time to 'get some air', Holden allows his thoughts to linger on memories of Noah, of Noah and Luke together and how much they've been through, of the scared man/child that he'd first met and the confused and grieving man/child that had enlisted. He'd started to see Noah as one of the family, as a surrogate son that needed his guidance and support just as much as Luke, Aaron, and Ethan and that one day Holden would have been comfortable with calling Noah his son-in-law.
Instead of answering Luke's question with words, Holden allows his stoicism to fall and Luke to see the grief wash over his face, his eyes filling and when Holden blinks, he allows them to overflow.
Luke makes a low sound and Holden knows Luke is fighting his own battle against his nature. If he knows his son at all, Luke is fighting off the need to comfort him right now. Holden just stays still, not wiping the tears away and letting his son see him grieving for Noah.
Making another sound, this one low, wet and choked, Luke leans forward and buries his face in the front of Holden's t-shirt, his arms wrapping tightly around his dad's waist, no longer able to hold back the tears after seeing his dad grieving for Noah.
Holden wraps his arms around Luke's shoulders and holds him close, letting his tears continue to flow along with Luke's. He holds Luke tighter when the sobs start and holds Luke up when the tears and exhaustion take the last of his strength.
Once Luke’s tears have stopped, Holden makes him drink the rest of his juice and walks him up the stairs to his room, undressing Luke and getting him into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt like Holden had done countless nights when Luke was smaller. Once he is changed, Holden has him sit on the bed and walks to the bathroom, pulling out the first aid kit. Lily had put one in every bathroom when she'd been in her nesting phase with Ethan and they'd come in handy more than once. Putting antibiotic ointment on Luke's hand, he wraps the red, swollen fingertips in gauze, helps Luke to stand and pulls back the covers.
Luke lays down and Holden doubts very much he is still awake when he hits the pillow. Pulling a sheet up to Luke's shoulders, Holden quietly cleans up the first-aid kit and stows it back in Luke's bathroom, making his way to the door. Closing it behind him as he steps into the hallway, he comes face to face with Lily. "Good Morning," he says softly.
She looks at the closed door to Luke's room. "Is he back?"
Nodding, Holden cracks it open again so Lily can see for herself that Luke is in his bed.
Lily walks into the room and looks down at Luke, reaching down to smooth his hair out of his eyes and then leans down to kiss him on the forehead before she turns around and leaves the room. Once she's back in front of Holden and the door is closed behind her, she follows Holden down the stairs to the kitchen. "When?"
Pouring Lily a cup of coffee and another one for himself, he sits down opposite her at the table. "Not sure. He was sitting here when I came down."
"He doesn't look like he slept the entire time he was gone. What happened to his fingers?"
Nodding at Aaron as he stumbles down the stairs, Holden turns back to Lily. "Looks like he burned them. Said it was on paper."
Lily nods and takes a sip of her coffee before speaking again. "He looks like he's been crying. So do you."
Nodding in confirmation, he ignores Lily and Aaron's shocked looks and shrugs. "He needed me to."
There is quiet for a minute, before Aaron sits down at the table with his own cup of coffee. "And if I need you to buy me a motorcycle?"
Both Holden and Lily chuckle softly. Pushing at Aaron's shoulder softly, Holden smiles at him. "Nice try, kid."
"Had to give it a go. Can't blame me for that." Aaron takes a sip of his coffee. "Has anyone called the soldier dudes to tell them Luke is back?"
Standing from the table, Lily shakes her head. "Holden, you call them and tell them to come here for breakfast. Maybe they have more news about Noah. Aaron, you set the table. I'll get some breakfast started. The kids should be back from Lucinda's this afternoon."
And just like that, Holden thinks, a little normalcy in all of this. He has to wonder how long it's going to last.
* * * * *
When Luke opens his eyes, the first thing he feels is the stiffness that comes from falling asleep and not moving the whole time until you wake up. The second is right on the heels of the first. The crushing weight that slams into his chest when he realizes that it hasn't been a dream and Noah is dead.
Luke rolls onto his side and tries to breathe through it, being still and breathing shallowly until the weight settles and the pain stops being so sharp. When it fades into the ache that's been there since the moment he'd been told about Noah, he knows he can move again.
Sitting up, he stretches out the stiffness and stumbles into the bathroom to clean up. He knows that he hasn't slept nearly enough, but he can't stand the dreams anymore. He'd spent the whole time wandering around with a flag folded in a triangle in his hands, trying to find who it belonged to. Everyone kept handing it back to him after he gave it to them. No one would listen to him when he insisted that it wasn’t his. It doesn't take a psychologist to figure out what the dream means.
Stumbling down the stairs, still damp from his shower, Luke makes his way across the living room and catches movement out of the corner of his eye through the windows around the front door. Walking closer, Luke sees the two soldiers talking to Aaron and the younger of them hands Aaron a card. It's then that Luke realizes why he recognizes one of the soldiers. The name slams into his memory. Topper. Sergeant Topper. He remembers being handed a bottle of water outside of the Hotel St. George and the slightly condescending conversation after that. He remembers this Topper being one of the people that took Noah away from him.
Watching Aaron pocket the card that Topper had handed him, Luke sees red. It wasn't enough that they took Noah away from him and killed him, now they had the gall to try and recruit his brother?
Not while he's still breathing.
Luke doesn't remember walking the rest of the way to the door, wrenching it open so hard the shutters clatter like a wind-chime in a gale, or planting himself in between Aaron and the two soldiers. "It's not enough that you took Noah from me, now you're trying to recruit my brother? How fucking dare you! Get. Out."
Topper raises his hands up, fingers splayed out in a placating gesture. "Luke…"
Shaking his head so quickly that he feels off kilter for a second, Luke backs up a step. "No! Why are you still here? Get out. Get out. Get out!"
Luke's heart feels like it's going to beat out of his chest and go galloping all the way to the farm. He can feel himself shaking as he steps forward again, determined not to give any ground to these two men in front of him. The forward motion of his step seems to stretch on and Luke has to stumble to get his feet under him again.
He sees Topper reach out to steady him and the thought of this man laying a hand on him is enough for Luke's sleep deprived mind to send his equilibrium back into place. He goes from nearly falling over to standing ramrod straight and stepping back away from Topper in the span of a second. "DO. NOT. TOUCH. ME."
Each word shoots out of Luke with the volume and snap of a whip cracking through the air. It sends both Topper and the soldier with him back a step. Luke feels a hand on his shoulder turning him around and it's only Aaron's boxing experience that saves him from Luke's hand flying at his head on reflex.
"Dude! Luke… Luke! C'mon back to me, buddy! Look at me. Breathe, Luke."
Luke wants to breathe. He does. He can feel his body buzzing on adrenaline and screaming for air to fuel it, but he can't seem to find any.
Aaron's hands bracket each side of Luke’s face as he forces his brother to concentrate only on looking at him. "Luke. Look at me and follow what I'm doing. Good. Now breathe in with me. That's good. Now breathe out… good. In again… now out."
Luke does what Aaron says and feels the red draining out of his vision and the adrenaline slowly starting to ebb out of his system.
Aaron keeps a grip on Luke and doesn't let him look away now that he's calming down. "Do you really think that I'd go off and join the Army with everything that has happened? I was just talking to them, Luke, that's all."
Luke tries to explain what had happened, but is startled when he can't find the words. Words are the one thing he's always been able to count on being there for him and now they're gone. Instead, all he can do is look at Aaron mutely.
"I think Luke remembered where he's seen me before."
Aaron looked over Luke's shoulder at the younger soldier. "You've met?"
Luke doesn't turn around and he can only assume that Topper nods.
"Yes. I was one of the two recruiters that was handling Noah's induction group. Sergeant Freeman did Noah's induction interview. Major McLane thought since we both knew of Luke and Noah and their relationship, it would be better for Luke if we came as opposed to someone who didn't know who Luke is to Noah."
"Was," Luke says softly, his words rushing back to him all at once. "Thanks to you two. As wrong as Don't Ask, Don't Tell is, the one time it could have done some good to someone, you both looked the other way and pretended it wasn't there. That I wasn't there. He may have been just another piece of bullet bait to you, but he was everything to me."
Luke looks at Aaron and reaches into his brother's pocket, pulling out the card that Topper had handed him. He holds it up between his two fingers. "I may be a mess right now, Aaron, but I'm not blind."
Pressing the card into Aaron's hand, Luke turns and ignoring Aaron's voice talking to him, walks away.
Luke keeps walking as he lets his mind wander, firmly stopping it whenever it veers near Noah or the upcoming days of condolences, casseroles and burying the man he loves… loved, he corrects himself. Past tense for the dead.
Standing at the water's edge, Luke watches the breeze ripple the water and notices that the sky is darkening in the direction of Oakdale. He should head to the barn to let his dad know and maybe help to get the horses rounded up and in their stalls before the storm moves closer and they have to rush everything, but he can't make his feet move.
He's feeling so many things right now, having so many thoughts of what he should or shouldn't do that his body almost feels like it's fighting against him doing anything. It's easier to just stand here and let everything come to him, the rain, the family, Noah's body.
The heat and humidity are almost unbearable when a storm is bearing down on them and today is no exception to that rule of Oakdale weather. Luke stands by the pond for as long as he can stand being out in the open. When the water starts looking too good and his thoughts start down dark, Sylvia Plath pathways, Luke knows that the sanctuary that the pond gives him has hit its end for today.
Taking a few deep breaths, he looks up at the sky, seeing that the rain clouds are much closer than they were before. Deciding that he's probably not going to beat the rain back to his parents house and hearing his dad whistling a call for the horses, Luke walks in the direction of the barn. Wordlessly, he helps his dad round up the last of the horses from the paddocks and gets them inside their stalls as the first rumbles of the approaching storm drumroll across the sky.
Walking to the back entrance of the barn, he stands on the threshold of the sliding door and closes his eyes, putting out his arms at his sides like wings, as his favorite part of a storm comes. He's always loved that almost cold gust of wind that is pushed in front of the rain, pregnant with the smells of water, ozone from the lightning and the earthy smell of rain soaked ground, nature's way of giving a preview of the main attraction of the storm.
Luke bites his lip as the movie industry reference comes to him like second nature. Thanks to his time with Noah, it happened more often than not. He wonders if Noah ever had literary references go through his mind and then thought of him when it happened. He hopes so.
Feeling his dad's hand on his shoulder, Luke turns around and Holden nods at the sliding door. "Close that up and we'll take the truck back to the house. Looks like it might be an all day rain."
It turns out that Holden is right, the storm passes quickly enough, but the rain stays. The younger kids return from Lucinda's and the family spends the day watching movies. No one says Noah's name, but it feels like he's there with them all the same. Luke thinks it's a fitting private, family tribute to him.
Ethan has been sticking close to Luke all day and when it is time for bed, Luke is the only person he wants to tuck him in. After teeth have been brushed, story read and prayers recited, Luke walks out into the hallway to see his Dad waiting for him.
"He's out."
Holden nods, preoccupied. "There's someone downstairs to see you."
Luke sighs, hoping that the continuing rain would keep dissuading everyone from dropping in. It looks like his luck has run out.