A Reflecting
If you're a friend of mine, even though this is long, I really suggest reading it. This basically fortells my entire plan for the future, as well as where you all are concerned. It's also an entry of reflection, where some of you can learn more about what it is I live with day to day, and some of the things that have resulted in me being who I am.
Some people may wonder about me and the whole job scene. I'm actually waiting til like the day after New Years day so places won't hire me and expect me to work New Years Eve or Christmas. Mainly because all my friends are on Christmas Break and I rarely get to see them as it is. Considering I'm definitely seeing about going to college next year, I figure while they're on break and I'm not working it'll probably be the most time I get to spend with any of them again. Anymore I'm lucky if I get to spend time with any of my friends but maybe once or twice a month for a day or night. Over summer I'll be working finalizing shit for college and they have jobs too, so won't see much of them then either, and then I'll be off in Chicago and not see them for 3 years except for on breaks.
The friends I have stuff to do with are still here, and we've all known eachother for like 6 or more years. The ones I ever did anything with are the same ones i always hang around with. Mainly because my kind of people just aren't in this town. Lance is the only one that comes close, the rest I happen to be friends with because of some reason or another. Most of my friends are Juniors or Seniors this year. God I hated almost everyone in my grade. So by the time I get back, they'll have left for college.
I have this thing, about being alone for an extended period of time. I grew up, and there were always people around. My mom used to babysit alot. Then I always used to have friends over when I was little, like every weekend. One of my friends used to live next door and we'd be together like every day. I got used to having people around, and I have this thing where after so long, I hate being alone. On the other hand, I feel often times like I wish everyone would leave. But then I realize it's just my family because they annoy the fuck out of me...
"if i had to see some person everyday i'd lose it"
I dunno. I mean if they're a really good friend, and you can do things you like to do with them, without it being a problem, well, I can personally take that. Family on the other hand... I clam up in my room and mess around here all day and don't bother to have anything to do with my mom or my sister. They always bitch about me not being "part of the family." Maybe if I found them worth spending time with it'd be different. What to they do but watch T.V. in the frontroom all night, other than that nothing. I hate T.V. My mom's always on the verge of breaking down from fucking things up and my sister is a bitchy bimbo who sucks up to my mom non-stop.
"youre not part of the family, wont dont sit here and watch the idiot box 24/7. that makes sense..."
One of the themes of this family is hypocrisy. They love and revel in it. But don't tell them that. If you bring up where they've messed up, they get pissed, and then go over the edge, hell they'll make stuff up just so they have something to throw back at you, even if it's 100% a lie. "The only reason you're so fucking upset is because you know damn well you've fucked this family over for years and you're 40 years old and still doing it, whoring around with every god damn man you fall in love with." "Oh don't even begin to tell me I've screwed up, you haven't even began to unscrew your life!" "And how exactly have I screwed up? Quitting my job? Who's the one going to college, and the one doing something with themself, and then who's the one who's 40 years old running to her mommy and daddy everytime she fucks up something, like the $600 electricity bill you had racked up last summer?" *mom stomps off and slams door, hearing her throw shit around in her room*
"you just are at that age where youre ready to get the hell out of there. the friction only gets worse as you get older"
My grandmother has this thing about trying to tell me to forgive my mom for everytime she's fucked up throughout my life, which has been alot. She also says I shouldn't stop loving somebody because of that. Last time she threw in "the bible says..." and that's when I started ignoring her. Heh, religious goo as a reason for me to do anything...yeah, right. I can't even to list how many ways my mom has royally fucked up things for our family, and fucked people over in the rest of the family outside of me and my sister. I'll always be bitter about it. Not in the way of holding a grudge, but knowing that things could have been alot different, a lot better growing up, if she hadn't done alot of the stupid things she had done selfishly. Eh, things could have been worse. But that's really the thing, is that things are always on the verge of getting worse, my mom just has this thing about pulling tricks out of her ass at the last minute. I don't know how many times she's owed money to one of those Pay-Day-Loan places. I know she's had to go to court two times over it. Usually it's a combination of one or more, electricity, water, of phone getting shut off. Meh.
"its funny how people her age can still be irresponsible...wait not funny, pathetic..."
Her last bf has had 7 different kids, all living with their mothers. He still lives with his parents. Then for like half a year she had him basically living with us. He sucked money out of her, she was dumb enough to give it to him. The bills and debt she racked up over that half year were insane.
"wow your mom sounds pretty stupid"
Yeah. You can be talking to her about a subject and she'll forget and ask you what you're talking about. For example, based off of one time I slightly remember: "I hate the way the world is." "Yeah the world seems to be getting worse." "It's pathetic." "What is?" "What we were just talking about" "What is "it" that's pathetic." "The subject we were talking about, mom..." "Don't start getting an attitude with me..." and thus it continues on and turns into a big thing. You can't just walk away because she carries it on forever. She also has this thing of forgetting what you tell her or not paying attention, so she claims you never said anything instead, trying to make you look stupid. It's annoying as hell.
"eh time to leave those fools. maybe a few more months you'll have a stable job and can get a little apartment"
I think I can last here until September. I need to save up money to buy a car. Since the only thing I have to pay for when I go to for that college is food and long-distance as I'll be living in one of their condos, I'm going to get a new car, because if I live in Chicago, I'm gonna be driving around alot, and don't want some piece of shit used car that'll fall apart on me where I spend enough money on it to have might as well gotten a new vehicle.
"well just make is a priority. complaining about living with them is one thing its quite another to be burdened by excuses not to leave, but it sounds like you have a plan and that's the first step. let them wallow in stupidville. chicago would be a sweet place to live."
Yeah I'm in the process of finally planning things. I've been sitting in limbo for a long time, and then I had a talk with one of my best friends, and I'm finally putting things into action because I have a good idea of what the path I'm on is. I'll be going to the Institute of Arts in Chicago, for Game Development & Design. They have 10 plus gaming companies just in Chicago, including Midway. It's a 3 year course, and it covers everything from animation to sound design and other stuff. The condos aren't but 6 blocks away from the school, so even within walking distance. I asked them about it and all I have to pay for is food and long distance because the condo's are school-sponsored. She said they were really nice. They also have a game developer's convention each year so that'll be kickass.
"well youre on a better start than i am and im alot older. if i was going to school i would at least have something to talk about. you'l be in game desing and i'll be stiing here rotting."
I don't know. I mean, you know, at one point I wondered, and have been wondering, if I even wanted to go to college, or if I just wanted to get out of town, and just live my life from day to day working. But my thing is... I couldn't stand doing that the rest of my life. I sit here and i think to myself...it's taken this long for 18 years to pass by...it'll be this long again before I'm 32..and then I still have half my life ahead of me beyond that. That's when I finally decided I needed to do something I would he happy doing my entire life. That's been my worry this entire time, up until now, was just being unhappy all around with everything.
"no the day-to-day shit sucks. go to school and do what you want. ive been at the same retarded job or 6 years since i quit high school and it's ass."
Yeah, that's what I realize now, is that I don't want the day-to-day life, because I'm already bored with it, as it is. I like waking up and having something to do everyday other than my usual shit, it's just a matter of it being something I enjoy to do. like Walmart. I didn't mind when I worked in the grocery section, I actually had fun working with the people over there, and looked forward to it everyday. I wouldn't want to do it the rest of my life, but at that time, it was great. Then when they transfered me to Stockman I absolutely fucking hated it. The only time I didn't mind was when Justin was there, then I loved it, because we have so much in common, we can get lost in conversation about stuff and the fact that what we're doing absolutely sucks fades.
"and you looked at his butt. muaahah"
Hah. Yeah, I'll admit it, I have. He's a really attractive guy, physically and as well as his personality. He's looking at the same college, and same course for that matter, so there's a chance I might actually still have someone around from here. We just sorta know eachother, but I'd like to be really good friends if that opportunity ever came. Since we wouldn't even know anyone in Chicago, if he goes it's a pretty sure-fire thing.
Some people may wonder about me and the whole job scene. I'm actually waiting til like the day after New Years day so places won't hire me and expect me to work New Years Eve or Christmas. Mainly because all my friends are on Christmas Break and I rarely get to see them as it is. Considering I'm definitely seeing about going to college next year, I figure while they're on break and I'm not working it'll probably be the most time I get to spend with any of them again. Anymore I'm lucky if I get to spend time with any of my friends but maybe once or twice a month for a day or night. Over summer I'll be working finalizing shit for college and they have jobs too, so won't see much of them then either, and then I'll be off in Chicago and not see them for 3 years except for on breaks.
The friends I have stuff to do with are still here, and we've all known eachother for like 6 or more years. The ones I ever did anything with are the same ones i always hang around with. Mainly because my kind of people just aren't in this town. Lance is the only one that comes close, the rest I happen to be friends with because of some reason or another. Most of my friends are Juniors or Seniors this year. God I hated almost everyone in my grade. So by the time I get back, they'll have left for college.
I have this thing, about being alone for an extended period of time. I grew up, and there were always people around. My mom used to babysit alot. Then I always used to have friends over when I was little, like every weekend. One of my friends used to live next door and we'd be together like every day. I got used to having people around, and I have this thing where after so long, I hate being alone. On the other hand, I feel often times like I wish everyone would leave. But then I realize it's just my family because they annoy the fuck out of me...
"if i had to see some person everyday i'd lose it"
I dunno. I mean if they're a really good friend, and you can do things you like to do with them, without it being a problem, well, I can personally take that. Family on the other hand... I clam up in my room and mess around here all day and don't bother to have anything to do with my mom or my sister. They always bitch about me not being "part of the family." Maybe if I found them worth spending time with it'd be different. What to they do but watch T.V. in the frontroom all night, other than that nothing. I hate T.V. My mom's always on the verge of breaking down from fucking things up and my sister is a bitchy bimbo who sucks up to my mom non-stop.
"youre not part of the family, wont dont sit here and watch the idiot box 24/7. that makes sense..."
One of the themes of this family is hypocrisy. They love and revel in it. But don't tell them that. If you bring up where they've messed up, they get pissed, and then go over the edge, hell they'll make stuff up just so they have something to throw back at you, even if it's 100% a lie. "The only reason you're so fucking upset is because you know damn well you've fucked this family over for years and you're 40 years old and still doing it, whoring around with every god damn man you fall in love with." "Oh don't even begin to tell me I've screwed up, you haven't even began to unscrew your life!" "And how exactly have I screwed up? Quitting my job? Who's the one going to college, and the one doing something with themself, and then who's the one who's 40 years old running to her mommy and daddy everytime she fucks up something, like the $600 electricity bill you had racked up last summer?" *mom stomps off and slams door, hearing her throw shit around in her room*
"you just are at that age where youre ready to get the hell out of there. the friction only gets worse as you get older"
My grandmother has this thing about trying to tell me to forgive my mom for everytime she's fucked up throughout my life, which has been alot. She also says I shouldn't stop loving somebody because of that. Last time she threw in "the bible says..." and that's when I started ignoring her. Heh, religious goo as a reason for me to do anything...yeah, right. I can't even to list how many ways my mom has royally fucked up things for our family, and fucked people over in the rest of the family outside of me and my sister. I'll always be bitter about it. Not in the way of holding a grudge, but knowing that things could have been alot different, a lot better growing up, if she hadn't done alot of the stupid things she had done selfishly. Eh, things could have been worse. But that's really the thing, is that things are always on the verge of getting worse, my mom just has this thing about pulling tricks out of her ass at the last minute. I don't know how many times she's owed money to one of those Pay-Day-Loan places. I know she's had to go to court two times over it. Usually it's a combination of one or more, electricity, water, of phone getting shut off. Meh.
"its funny how people her age can still be irresponsible...wait not funny, pathetic..."
Her last bf has had 7 different kids, all living with their mothers. He still lives with his parents. Then for like half a year she had him basically living with us. He sucked money out of her, she was dumb enough to give it to him. The bills and debt she racked up over that half year were insane.
"wow your mom sounds pretty stupid"
Yeah. You can be talking to her about a subject and she'll forget and ask you what you're talking about. For example, based off of one time I slightly remember: "I hate the way the world is." "Yeah the world seems to be getting worse." "It's pathetic." "What is?" "What we were just talking about" "What is "it" that's pathetic." "The subject we were talking about, mom..." "Don't start getting an attitude with me..." and thus it continues on and turns into a big thing. You can't just walk away because she carries it on forever. She also has this thing of forgetting what you tell her or not paying attention, so she claims you never said anything instead, trying to make you look stupid. It's annoying as hell.
"eh time to leave those fools. maybe a few more months you'll have a stable job and can get a little apartment"
I think I can last here until September. I need to save up money to buy a car. Since the only thing I have to pay for when I go to for that college is food and long-distance as I'll be living in one of their condos, I'm going to get a new car, because if I live in Chicago, I'm gonna be driving around alot, and don't want some piece of shit used car that'll fall apart on me where I spend enough money on it to have might as well gotten a new vehicle.
"well just make is a priority. complaining about living with them is one thing its quite another to be burdened by excuses not to leave, but it sounds like you have a plan and that's the first step. let them wallow in stupidville. chicago would be a sweet place to live."
Yeah I'm in the process of finally planning things. I've been sitting in limbo for a long time, and then I had a talk with one of my best friends, and I'm finally putting things into action because I have a good idea of what the path I'm on is. I'll be going to the Institute of Arts in Chicago, for Game Development & Design. They have 10 plus gaming companies just in Chicago, including Midway. It's a 3 year course, and it covers everything from animation to sound design and other stuff. The condos aren't but 6 blocks away from the school, so even within walking distance. I asked them about it and all I have to pay for is food and long distance because the condo's are school-sponsored. She said they were really nice. They also have a game developer's convention each year so that'll be kickass.
"well youre on a better start than i am and im alot older. if i was going to school i would at least have something to talk about. you'l be in game desing and i'll be stiing here rotting."
I don't know. I mean, you know, at one point I wondered, and have been wondering, if I even wanted to go to college, or if I just wanted to get out of town, and just live my life from day to day working. But my thing is... I couldn't stand doing that the rest of my life. I sit here and i think to myself...it's taken this long for 18 years to pass by...it'll be this long again before I'm 32..and then I still have half my life ahead of me beyond that. That's when I finally decided I needed to do something I would he happy doing my entire life. That's been my worry this entire time, up until now, was just being unhappy all around with everything.
"no the day-to-day shit sucks. go to school and do what you want. ive been at the same retarded job or 6 years since i quit high school and it's ass."
Yeah, that's what I realize now, is that I don't want the day-to-day life, because I'm already bored with it, as it is. I like waking up and having something to do everyday other than my usual shit, it's just a matter of it being something I enjoy to do. like Walmart. I didn't mind when I worked in the grocery section, I actually had fun working with the people over there, and looked forward to it everyday. I wouldn't want to do it the rest of my life, but at that time, it was great. Then when they transfered me to Stockman I absolutely fucking hated it. The only time I didn't mind was when Justin was there, then I loved it, because we have so much in common, we can get lost in conversation about stuff and the fact that what we're doing absolutely sucks fades.
"and you looked at his butt. muaahah"
Hah. Yeah, I'll admit it, I have. He's a really attractive guy, physically and as well as his personality. He's looking at the same college, and same course for that matter, so there's a chance I might actually still have someone around from here. We just sorta know eachother, but I'd like to be really good friends if that opportunity ever came. Since we wouldn't even know anyone in Chicago, if he goes it's a pretty sure-fire thing.