My first post
I've been meaning to get around to making one of these, I know I'm a little (a few years) late. But, now's as good a time as any. So much has happened lately, and I don't know what to do with myself because of it. Most days I'm so numb, but others... like tonight... everything hurts.
I was going to go to sleep early tonight, but I just sat here trying to distract myself with dumb tv shows and talking to whoever was around to talk to. About nothing in particular, just as long as they kept talking. But, there was no one to talk to. And the damned internet connection here makes it nearly impossible to watch a full tv show without breaks for buffering. I cooked dinner, I ate dinner, I cleaned the kitchen, I texted, I IM'd, I played in photoshop, I talked on plurk, on skype, on yahoo... and all night long this uneasiness was building up in me, and I couldn't shake it. But all I wanted to do was sleep.
And here it is, 4am again and I'm not asleep. I hate being up this late, because it means I get nothing useful done the next day and I really need to get a job. People don't wanna hire someone who can't get around to calling them until two in the afternoon. But honestly, I don't think anyone wants to hire me at all. And who would, I'm a wreck. My job history is all over the place, I haven't been in any single state for longer than two years since I turned 18. And now I'm 26, and I'm alone. And I have to get a job... have, have, have to get a job.
But every night, I'm up... numbing myself with episode after episode of whatever tv show I can get to play on this lousy connection. I can't even read a book because my head starts to wander and I can't concentrate. I keep telling myself that I need to just sit quietly, and pray, and let it all out. But even that doesn't work, I just want to go for another distraction.
Tonight though is so much worse. All night my stomach has been in knots, I am so queasy with anxiety. I can't sleep. And I knew, all night long that I was going to cry. Not why though, could be over my dads passing, could be over my lousy situation, could be because no one in this world really knows me or cares for me. Not even my own mother. And certainly not the man, or boy, or "fucktard" as my friend Evie likes to refer to him... the one who left me in this situation, because I wasn't worth an ounce of effort on his part.
And I did end up crying, loudly I might add, over probably all of this, but most of all because I didn't have anyone to call and cry to. I miss my dad so much, and I need him. I really really need him. And not in the little ways that I used to need him, like when I'd call him and ask him how to make chicken and rice. Or when I had a flat tire. But I need him because he's gone. And I haven't really cried enough about that. I feel so much pain over it, but I can't seem to get it out. I feel like I should be laying on the floor, thrashing violently and vomiting up all of this hurt. I feel like someone should have to physically restrain me, call a doctor, put me out of my misery. But none of that has happened, instead I just have this uneasy feeling all the time, and these little bouts of depression. And it's not enough. And I honestly, don't want it to be enough.
I was going to go to sleep early tonight, but I just sat here trying to distract myself with dumb tv shows and talking to whoever was around to talk to. About nothing in particular, just as long as they kept talking. But, there was no one to talk to. And the damned internet connection here makes it nearly impossible to watch a full tv show without breaks for buffering. I cooked dinner, I ate dinner, I cleaned the kitchen, I texted, I IM'd, I played in photoshop, I talked on plurk, on skype, on yahoo... and all night long this uneasiness was building up in me, and I couldn't shake it. But all I wanted to do was sleep.
And here it is, 4am again and I'm not asleep. I hate being up this late, because it means I get nothing useful done the next day and I really need to get a job. People don't wanna hire someone who can't get around to calling them until two in the afternoon. But honestly, I don't think anyone wants to hire me at all. And who would, I'm a wreck. My job history is all over the place, I haven't been in any single state for longer than two years since I turned 18. And now I'm 26, and I'm alone. And I have to get a job... have, have, have to get a job.
But every night, I'm up... numbing myself with episode after episode of whatever tv show I can get to play on this lousy connection. I can't even read a book because my head starts to wander and I can't concentrate. I keep telling myself that I need to just sit quietly, and pray, and let it all out. But even that doesn't work, I just want to go for another distraction.
Tonight though is so much worse. All night my stomach has been in knots, I am so queasy with anxiety. I can't sleep. And I knew, all night long that I was going to cry. Not why though, could be over my dads passing, could be over my lousy situation, could be because no one in this world really knows me or cares for me. Not even my own mother. And certainly not the man, or boy, or "fucktard" as my friend Evie likes to refer to him... the one who left me in this situation, because I wasn't worth an ounce of effort on his part.
And I did end up crying, loudly I might add, over probably all of this, but most of all because I didn't have anyone to call and cry to. I miss my dad so much, and I need him. I really really need him. And not in the little ways that I used to need him, like when I'd call him and ask him how to make chicken and rice. Or when I had a flat tire. But I need him because he's gone. And I haven't really cried enough about that. I feel so much pain over it, but I can't seem to get it out. I feel like I should be laying on the floor, thrashing violently and vomiting up all of this hurt. I feel like someone should have to physically restrain me, call a doctor, put me out of my misery. But none of that has happened, instead I just have this uneasy feeling all the time, and these little bouts of depression. And it's not enough. And I honestly, don't want it to be enough.