(no subject)
it doesn't hurt as much anymore. or it does, but it hurts in different ways. for me, at least, it no longer hurts out loud. no one here really knows about you, and in truth, not many pople even know OF you. the ones who do know shy away from the subject like it's a disease that's catching. sometimes i'd give anything to just remember you out loud, to have someone ask what you were like, and to really listen, really WANT to listen. i don't want to be alone with the memories i have, even the good ones.
so yeah, it hurts differently now. it hurts in the middle of the night when i remember the way that things used to be, remember who we were, what you did to me, what i did to you. i still blame myself even though i know it's no use, know it's illogical, know that you were sick and not just wounded. i keep telling myself that it's not my fault, but what if it is?
i spent this past week hurting in silence, telling myself that it had been too long for me to feel this strongly, that i should just let you go and be done with it. i cried every night, i asked for a sign, i asked for anything...asked you to forgive me. i sat in an empty cemetary and said to no one in particular, "I'M LISTENING", but like i was expecting, there was nothing to hear.
and then yesterday i opened the glove box in my car in search of something mundane..stowed away between insurance cards and verizon bills was a thin CD case, a list of songs i'd never heard or heard of. i would almost swear that i'd never seen it before. but there it was, with your thin, crooked handwriting, all in caps, and it read "made by mattie for allie". i don't know when you gave it to me, or why i never listened to it, or why i suddenly found it weeks after your death. but i do know that the universe works in mysterious ways that i will never even begin to understand, and that this was the sign that i had asked for.
call it what you want, and believe what you will-i KNOW it was you. and i know that you love me. and maybe, just maybe, you've forgiven me and are telling me that it's all okay, that your death was not my fault.
thank you.
so yeah, it hurts differently now. it hurts in the middle of the night when i remember the way that things used to be, remember who we were, what you did to me, what i did to you. i still blame myself even though i know it's no use, know it's illogical, know that you were sick and not just wounded. i keep telling myself that it's not my fault, but what if it is?
i spent this past week hurting in silence, telling myself that it had been too long for me to feel this strongly, that i should just let you go and be done with it. i cried every night, i asked for a sign, i asked for anything...asked you to forgive me. i sat in an empty cemetary and said to no one in particular, "I'M LISTENING", but like i was expecting, there was nothing to hear.
and then yesterday i opened the glove box in my car in search of something mundane..stowed away between insurance cards and verizon bills was a thin CD case, a list of songs i'd never heard or heard of. i would almost swear that i'd never seen it before. but there it was, with your thin, crooked handwriting, all in caps, and it read "made by mattie for allie". i don't know when you gave it to me, or why i never listened to it, or why i suddenly found it weeks after your death. but i do know that the universe works in mysterious ways that i will never even begin to understand, and that this was the sign that i had asked for.
call it what you want, and believe what you will-i KNOW it was you. and i know that you love me. and maybe, just maybe, you've forgiven me and are telling me that it's all okay, that your death was not my fault.
thank you.