Revere the child that withstands.
I spoke at the last two meetings. Monday night's could've gone a little smoother. I had a sinus headache on the left side of my brain, and it prevented me from being able to focus on my train of thought. Thankfully, it subsided during the night.
Last night, it felt a lot easier. I'm still finding my feet. I'll get the hang of it.
I want to talk about one thing that seems consistent with all of the meetings. The fluorescent lights in the ceilings. They're haunting, maybe alienating. It's hard for me to concentrate on what a person is saying when they're under those lights. It's probably a result of my astigmatism. I don't like it. I feel rude when I have to look away. In a way, it's like that locust sound they use in films when something odd is about to happen. That mesmerizing "whrrrvvvhhrrrrr" sound.
Anywho, things don't seem real right now. Maybe, it's all of the feelings I'm able to experience again. Perhaps, this is actual reality. Drinking took the world away, and put me in a hell-ish snowglobe. No one else mattered except myself because I was the only person I could see.
I wouldn't get sober for anyone else. I knew it had to be for myself. I couldn't use guilt as a vehicle. I had to allow myself to get comfortable with the fact that I had/have a problem, and to be able to admit that I am an alcoholic. I got there, but it took much longer than I would've liked. I (also) need to work on my personal growth speed. Certain parts of my life have gotten to a point where I can't just go at my own speed. My sobriety can go as quickly or as slowly as I'd like, but I need to apply speed and accuracy to work.
Work has been irritating, but also rewarding. M continues to "mother" me, while being kind to others. She seems to think that I respond well when she uses this behavior, but it actually slows me down. I can't do anything right when she's around. It's almost as if she enjoys bringing me down below her level. I can feel her insecurity, and it invades my own. I've taken to practicing Pranayama (yoga breathing) when I start to feel overwhelmed. I've found ways to calm myself down, especially when I have the urge to huck a pound block of butter against a wall. (That's more often than not.) Chef tells me that he sees what happens, and G tells me that changes are going to happen. What this means, I don't know. Maybe one of the two of us will be asked to leave the restaurant. Perhaps, she'll be knocked back down to pastry chef from exec sous. Maybe, I'll be demoted to dishwasher. All I know is that I censor myself around her, but not around Chef or G. I let my weird out on Saturdays and Sundays. They seem to enjoy it. ^.^ (ie: G and I had a conversation about using pretzels as nun-chucks on Sunday.)
I have to eat the rest of my dinner and head to the meetings.
Remind me to eat more vegetables.
Last night, it felt a lot easier. I'm still finding my feet. I'll get the hang of it.
I want to talk about one thing that seems consistent with all of the meetings. The fluorescent lights in the ceilings. They're haunting, maybe alienating. It's hard for me to concentrate on what a person is saying when they're under those lights. It's probably a result of my astigmatism. I don't like it. I feel rude when I have to look away. In a way, it's like that locust sound they use in films when something odd is about to happen. That mesmerizing "whrrrvvvhhrrrrr" sound.
Anywho, things don't seem real right now. Maybe, it's all of the feelings I'm able to experience again. Perhaps, this is actual reality. Drinking took the world away, and put me in a hell-ish snowglobe. No one else mattered except myself because I was the only person I could see.
I wouldn't get sober for anyone else. I knew it had to be for myself. I couldn't use guilt as a vehicle. I had to allow myself to get comfortable with the fact that I had/have a problem, and to be able to admit that I am an alcoholic. I got there, but it took much longer than I would've liked. I (also) need to work on my personal growth speed. Certain parts of my life have gotten to a point where I can't just go at my own speed. My sobriety can go as quickly or as slowly as I'd like, but I need to apply speed and accuracy to work.
Work has been irritating, but also rewarding. M continues to "mother" me, while being kind to others. She seems to think that I respond well when she uses this behavior, but it actually slows me down. I can't do anything right when she's around. It's almost as if she enjoys bringing me down below her level. I can feel her insecurity, and it invades my own. I've taken to practicing Pranayama (yoga breathing) when I start to feel overwhelmed. I've found ways to calm myself down, especially when I have the urge to huck a pound block of butter against a wall. (That's more often than not.) Chef tells me that he sees what happens, and G tells me that changes are going to happen. What this means, I don't know. Maybe one of the two of us will be asked to leave the restaurant. Perhaps, she'll be knocked back down to pastry chef from exec sous. Maybe, I'll be demoted to dishwasher. All I know is that I censor myself around her, but not around Chef or G. I let my weird out on Saturdays and Sundays. They seem to enjoy it. ^.^ (ie: G and I had a conversation about using pretzels as nun-chucks on Sunday.)
I have to eat the rest of my dinner and head to the meetings.
Remind me to eat more vegetables.