(no subject)
Noah taught me how to play Landslide on the guitar. I can play landslide on the guitar, which is something i've wanted to do for a long time. I can now play piano, guitar, and ukulele (which is simple and awesome and beautiful).
I've found someone here, and it scares the shit out of me.
I am not the girl I use to be. I do not have illusions of love, "soulmates," and other folly. In a way I am cold, logical, and scientific in my feelings.
and in this coldness, a warmth is ebbing in my heart. and I am calm, letting it trace over me, but so apprehensive. every single moment I am bracing myself. and every single moment he is gracious, and fluid.
I am crazy people, seriously, i have certain neuroses that are frightening and annoying and exhausting. and I've shown them! i have, he's seen it. but apparently all the other things about me make a greater impression.
but this is the kicker people, this is what scares me the most. in a discussion/argument, when debating what is right, or who is right, sometimes I win. and he doesn't fight it. he doesn't put me down. he doesn't make me feel stupid. and you know what else? my scientific dribble that I could talk about for hours. he finds it really interesting. he doesn't cut me off to talk about what he wants, or about topics that he already knows about, he wants to hear what I say. My thoughts are valid, and interesting. no asshole guy dictating a conversation and putting me down when I have my own ideas so they can verbally blow themselves on topics that have no real world usage in life.
he finds me funny, not just when I'm not trying, but when I am.
I have finally
gotten
what
I
wanted.
and i'm so scared I want to run away. but i'm learning and appreciating so much. he is so different in nature than any guy i've ever met. he is an apparition. he gives me things I didn't know I needed. I think it's because so much of what I need I fill up myself, so what he gives is something completely out of my own reach of providing for myself. this is heavy. I want to run away before the beauty fades or is fleeting. but I can't, something always makes me stay. I'm like a frightened nervous abused dog that an actual kind person is trying to call to it and give it sanctuary and the dog just runs around it, sniffs at it, bares its teeth, but eventually skitters off because it does not trust. but yet that dog will keep coming back, because it is unsure, because it can sense there is something there for it to want to come back to.
this is an interesting experiment because I am not the same person anymore. but yet i know this feeling. is how he holds me different than how I was held before or is the only thing different me?
it feels different. maybe that is why i am so scared.
I've found someone here, and it scares the shit out of me.
I am not the girl I use to be. I do not have illusions of love, "soulmates," and other folly. In a way I am cold, logical, and scientific in my feelings.
and in this coldness, a warmth is ebbing in my heart. and I am calm, letting it trace over me, but so apprehensive. every single moment I am bracing myself. and every single moment he is gracious, and fluid.
I am crazy people, seriously, i have certain neuroses that are frightening and annoying and exhausting. and I've shown them! i have, he's seen it. but apparently all the other things about me make a greater impression.
but this is the kicker people, this is what scares me the most. in a discussion/argument, when debating what is right, or who is right, sometimes I win. and he doesn't fight it. he doesn't put me down. he doesn't make me feel stupid. and you know what else? my scientific dribble that I could talk about for hours. he finds it really interesting. he doesn't cut me off to talk about what he wants, or about topics that he already knows about, he wants to hear what I say. My thoughts are valid, and interesting. no asshole guy dictating a conversation and putting me down when I have my own ideas so they can verbally blow themselves on topics that have no real world usage in life.
he finds me funny, not just when I'm not trying, but when I am.
I have finally
gotten
what
I
wanted.
and i'm so scared I want to run away. but i'm learning and appreciating so much. he is so different in nature than any guy i've ever met. he is an apparition. he gives me things I didn't know I needed. I think it's because so much of what I need I fill up myself, so what he gives is something completely out of my own reach of providing for myself. this is heavy. I want to run away before the beauty fades or is fleeting. but I can't, something always makes me stay. I'm like a frightened nervous abused dog that an actual kind person is trying to call to it and give it sanctuary and the dog just runs around it, sniffs at it, bares its teeth, but eventually skitters off because it does not trust. but yet that dog will keep coming back, because it is unsure, because it can sense there is something there for it to want to come back to.
this is an interesting experiment because I am not the same person anymore. but yet i know this feeling. is how he holds me different than how I was held before or is the only thing different me?
it feels different. maybe that is why i am so scared.