Day Eighty-Nine: Disengagement
Wearily I open my prayer book,
Sepia photograph of sage on amber page,
Flaming raven Sanskrit, strange syllables,
Intone, chant, repeat.
Number vows with beads:
Every resolution is inspiration petrified.
There are some days when one is disengaged from Tao, not interested in devotion, and everything just becomes an empty form.
One can try to remember the reasons for one's quest, think of the achievements of the past, reaffirm one's goals, and still not be inspired to do one's practice.
But if one has made vows, if it is only a matter of laziness or indifference, then you must exert your discipline and practice even if it means that you are just going through the motions.
There's no direct correlation on this one. Tao isn't a discipline for me, it isn't something I vow to do. It's something I incorporate over time and make minute adjustments to bring myself in line. It's a philosophical framework around which to build a life's worth of decision, not a religion to worship or create meaning around.
But the basic principle is there. I tell myself I'm going to do things all the time, and then don't do them. It's gotten to the point where I don't make those promises, not even to myself, not anymore. Better to lower my expectations than to constantly fail. Which now that I lay it out so bluntly doesn't sound like a great way to go about it at all! So I'll have to consider that. The discipline and internal will required to follow through on something when it has no immediate gratification and benefit... hrm. Is that something I want to work on? Is that someone I want to be?
It's hard, though. Even from here, I can see it would be hard. And part of self-awareness is knowing when I'm better off without a stressor. I'll have to weigh it and decide if the benefit is worth the cost. I can be less than perfect. That is to say, I have given myself permission to falter and be a failure sometimes (even though I hate it when I am of course). Those are qualities that I've so far considered a plus in mild and moderate amounts. Humility is important too.
- ES
Sepia photograph of sage on amber page,
Flaming raven Sanskrit, strange syllables,
Intone, chant, repeat.
Number vows with beads:
Every resolution is inspiration petrified.
There are some days when one is disengaged from Tao, not interested in devotion, and everything just becomes an empty form.
One can try to remember the reasons for one's quest, think of the achievements of the past, reaffirm one's goals, and still not be inspired to do one's practice.
But if one has made vows, if it is only a matter of laziness or indifference, then you must exert your discipline and practice even if it means that you are just going through the motions.
There's no direct correlation on this one. Tao isn't a discipline for me, it isn't something I vow to do. It's something I incorporate over time and make minute adjustments to bring myself in line. It's a philosophical framework around which to build a life's worth of decision, not a religion to worship or create meaning around.
But the basic principle is there. I tell myself I'm going to do things all the time, and then don't do them. It's gotten to the point where I don't make those promises, not even to myself, not anymore. Better to lower my expectations than to constantly fail. Which now that I lay it out so bluntly doesn't sound like a great way to go about it at all! So I'll have to consider that. The discipline and internal will required to follow through on something when it has no immediate gratification and benefit... hrm. Is that something I want to work on? Is that someone I want to be?
It's hard, though. Even from here, I can see it would be hard. And part of self-awareness is knowing when I'm better off without a stressor. I'll have to weigh it and decide if the benefit is worth the cost. I can be less than perfect. That is to say, I have given myself permission to falter and be a failure sometimes (even though I hate it when I am of course). Those are qualities that I've so far considered a plus in mild and moderate amounts. Humility is important too.
- ES