Selfish Me
Today I was at my favorite coffee shop. I got great parking as always, and as I was organizing all that I needed to bring in with me, I noticed a man. A homeless man. I see him there often, though pay little attention. I overlook him as I am sure most of the patrons of the establishment do. Possibly the same way we overlook a stain on the carpet or a cigarette burn on the hem of your favorite shirt. You know it's there. You are aware of it's existence. But you ignore it. Put it out of your mind. Dismiss the idea of anything negative or ugly present so we do not have to think of the imperfections of the things we love. I am guilty of doing this to the man. He is the symbolism of what is imperfect about our society, and I ignore it, hoping that my ignorance and voluntary blindness will make it go away. And in that regard, I can be content believing that I live in a delusional perfect world.
I noticed him today. I examined him. Curly hair that came down to his shoulders. How does he cut it? Does he at all? I would have assumed a man that has been homeless that long would have longer hair. He had on a dark tan fisherman's hat. The kind that was popular for a brief amount of time in the late 90's. He had on two jackets from what I could see. Both decently thick, both obviously worn down to the bare. He had a rolling trolley with him, the kind that many times you see used by stewardesses in airports. A small compact mini-dolley looking thing that carries a bag as you walk briskly from one destination to another. He had old backpacks and gym bags strapped on, packed to the capacity of all that they could contain. One of the backpacks was a clear plastic, displaying it's contents for all to see. I didn't see anything specific, but I could only assume that it was a mixture of bobbles and gadgets that have been tossed aside. Here was all his world possessions. The very same things that we look at for a second or two, dismiss as unimportant and throw haphazardly into the trash can, never wondering about it's fate from then on out. The things that no longer hold value to us, our trash, our waste. Perhaps this man picked up these things, and found a significance in them that we long ago have forgotten. Our unwanted becomes his treasure. Everything that this man held dear in his life was constantly following him around on two wheels where ever he went.
I, at that moment realized how cold it was. I got out of my truck, slightly nodded my head in a fashion that is often understood as "hi" and asked him if I could buy him a cup of coffee. He looked at me so strangely. Like... he was a ghost and he should have remained unseen; transparent to me. He stammered a little in response, but walked inside with me quietly, politely as we walked, him in tow, towards the counter.
Though it was less than twenty total steps from my truck door to the counter of this shop, so much entered my mind as we walked. How horrible it must be for him. To not have even the simplest of things that I take advantage of every single day. Shower, food, socks, mouthwash, HOME, money (despite how little of it it may seem at times), friends, family, education... a reason to smile. Waking up in a warm bed, in a heated room that I can afford the electricity bill to keep at a comfortable temperature. Stretching out to full length after I hit my alarm that I set to wake up in time for my job, to pay for my education, and getting a little feeling of giddiness when I realize that it's payday. Dancing in my Superman undies while brushing my teeth when a great song comes on the radio as I sit there wondering which of my eight pairs of blue jeans am I going to put on, and which of all of the forty-something pairs of shoes will I slip on, all of this of course depending on my choice between blouse, t-shirt, cotton tank top, or button downs. All these simple things that I take advantage of every.single.day. that I forget some people do not have that.
A couple of minutes after I bought this man coffee, he asked me to sit with him outside. I politely declined, saying that I was going to converse with my friend (who was there, it wasn't a lie). But I think somewhere inside of me, my subconscious told me "You bought him a coffee, you have done your good deed." and I did not feel that I needed to interact with this man anymore. In driving home, thinking back, I realized that even in the simple act of buying a homeless man a coffee on a freezing winter day, it was all selfish. To win points with whoever may be tallying up the good deeds. To make myself feel better that I have done my duty. I took this one moment to open my eyes, see the reality as it is, and do something... just barely enough to make ME feel better, only to go back to viewing life behind my rose colored glasses.
I feel so ashamed now. I guess I cannot completely convey what exactly I am feeling, but I know... I know that I was only thinking of me.
I noticed him today. I examined him. Curly hair that came down to his shoulders. How does he cut it? Does he at all? I would have assumed a man that has been homeless that long would have longer hair. He had on a dark tan fisherman's hat. The kind that was popular for a brief amount of time in the late 90's. He had on two jackets from what I could see. Both decently thick, both obviously worn down to the bare. He had a rolling trolley with him, the kind that many times you see used by stewardesses in airports. A small compact mini-dolley looking thing that carries a bag as you walk briskly from one destination to another. He had old backpacks and gym bags strapped on, packed to the capacity of all that they could contain. One of the backpacks was a clear plastic, displaying it's contents for all to see. I didn't see anything specific, but I could only assume that it was a mixture of bobbles and gadgets that have been tossed aside. Here was all his world possessions. The very same things that we look at for a second or two, dismiss as unimportant and throw haphazardly into the trash can, never wondering about it's fate from then on out. The things that no longer hold value to us, our trash, our waste. Perhaps this man picked up these things, and found a significance in them that we long ago have forgotten. Our unwanted becomes his treasure. Everything that this man held dear in his life was constantly following him around on two wheels where ever he went.
I, at that moment realized how cold it was. I got out of my truck, slightly nodded my head in a fashion that is often understood as "hi" and asked him if I could buy him a cup of coffee. He looked at me so strangely. Like... he was a ghost and he should have remained unseen; transparent to me. He stammered a little in response, but walked inside with me quietly, politely as we walked, him in tow, towards the counter.
Though it was less than twenty total steps from my truck door to the counter of this shop, so much entered my mind as we walked. How horrible it must be for him. To not have even the simplest of things that I take advantage of every single day. Shower, food, socks, mouthwash, HOME, money (despite how little of it it may seem at times), friends, family, education... a reason to smile. Waking up in a warm bed, in a heated room that I can afford the electricity bill to keep at a comfortable temperature. Stretching out to full length after I hit my alarm that I set to wake up in time for my job, to pay for my education, and getting a little feeling of giddiness when I realize that it's payday. Dancing in my Superman undies while brushing my teeth when a great song comes on the radio as I sit there wondering which of my eight pairs of blue jeans am I going to put on, and which of all of the forty-something pairs of shoes will I slip on, all of this of course depending on my choice between blouse, t-shirt, cotton tank top, or button downs. All these simple things that I take advantage of every.single.day. that I forget some people do not have that.
A couple of minutes after I bought this man coffee, he asked me to sit with him outside. I politely declined, saying that I was going to converse with my friend (who was there, it wasn't a lie). But I think somewhere inside of me, my subconscious told me "You bought him a coffee, you have done your good deed." and I did not feel that I needed to interact with this man anymore. In driving home, thinking back, I realized that even in the simple act of buying a homeless man a coffee on a freezing winter day, it was all selfish. To win points with whoever may be tallying up the good deeds. To make myself feel better that I have done my duty. I took this one moment to open my eyes, see the reality as it is, and do something... just barely enough to make ME feel better, only to go back to viewing life behind my rose colored glasses.
I feel so ashamed now. I guess I cannot completely convey what exactly I am feeling, but I know... I know that I was only thinking of me.