(no subject)
I don't know what I want and it's driving me mad. People always say "follow your heart" or "live life to the fullest" or "find your bliss," but I'm so far from even knowing what any of that means to me.
I'm so sick of life being bullshit. And as an interjection, let me just say that I am not at all depressed or unhappy as I write these words. High school was of course bullshit because they had to cater to the lowest common denominator, but I thought College would be the end of that. College would challenge and inspire and motivate me. I would read and learn and work. Nope. More bullshit. I get by on my natural intelligence and my good test skills mostly. I mean, I have to study of course, but I don't FEEL anything about it. Right now millions of kids are in college doing the same bullshit I'm doing. What does any of it mean?? Kids go abroad, take a picture with a sickly looking child, and with the flash of the camera they're supposed to have made a difference? I don't buy it. I mean I'm excited to go to China next semester, but I'm more excited for the internship I'll get while in D.C. Maybe there I will feel useful. Pertinent in the world. Accomplished. Not accomplished like people know my name, accomplished like I truly changed someone's life.
I'm ready to feel like I'm DOING something. Something worthwhile. Something meaningful. The idea of just taking off after college keeps becoming increasingly tempting. Just disapear to somewhere with a lot of life left. Somewhere I can be needed and useful. Live by myself with a couple cats in a hut. I don't know. SOMETHING.
I'm perfectly happy, but there's a void. Anyone want to disapear after college with me? No visitors, no emails, no mail, no phonecalls. Disapear. Just to see what it's like.
I'm so sick of life being bullshit. And as an interjection, let me just say that I am not at all depressed or unhappy as I write these words. High school was of course bullshit because they had to cater to the lowest common denominator, but I thought College would be the end of that. College would challenge and inspire and motivate me. I would read and learn and work. Nope. More bullshit. I get by on my natural intelligence and my good test skills mostly. I mean, I have to study of course, but I don't FEEL anything about it. Right now millions of kids are in college doing the same bullshit I'm doing. What does any of it mean?? Kids go abroad, take a picture with a sickly looking child, and with the flash of the camera they're supposed to have made a difference? I don't buy it. I mean I'm excited to go to China next semester, but I'm more excited for the internship I'll get while in D.C. Maybe there I will feel useful. Pertinent in the world. Accomplished. Not accomplished like people know my name, accomplished like I truly changed someone's life.
I'm ready to feel like I'm DOING something. Something worthwhile. Something meaningful. The idea of just taking off after college keeps becoming increasingly tempting. Just disapear to somewhere with a lot of life left. Somewhere I can be needed and useful. Live by myself with a couple cats in a hut. I don't know. SOMETHING.
I'm perfectly happy, but there's a void. Anyone want to disapear after college with me? No visitors, no emails, no mail, no phonecalls. Disapear. Just to see what it's like.