Creative Writng Mystery
“Die!”-alogue
“So we have the victim…”
“Wait, who’s the victim again?”
“Mr. Millionaire.”
“Why?”
“Because there’s the most motivation to kill him! There’s the money thing, and the jealousy thing, and the blackmail thing!”
“Oh…ok. Then who killed him?”
“Well, we have his wife-“
“Mrs. Millionaire.”
“Yeah, Mrs. Millionaire. So we have her-“
“But why would she kill him?”
“Because she wants his money and she’s not in love with him anymore.”
“But what about the idea of her finding Mr. M and the Maid in flagrante delecto and flying into a jealous rage?”
“Well, that’s an option too. But anyway, we have the victim-“
“Then again if the Maid and Mr. M are having an affair than she could have done it too. That would fit in with the locked door and Mr. M’s state of undress…”
“Well, we’re not saying that it had to be the wife.”
“But then it’s the Maid and its too obvious.”
“No, it could be any of the others too.”
“Except the Hero.”
“Right, except the Hero. And the Judge.”
“Well, why not the Judge? Does he even have an alibi?”
“Of course he has an alibi. First of all, he’s a judge. Moreover, he’s the mentor of the Hero!”
“But those aren’t alibis.”
“Well…OK, I see your point. The Judge and the Hero were …um…no…um…aha! They were playing cards when it happened, so it wasn’t the Hero or the Judge.”
“Oh! But what if it is the Judge! The Judge could be the whole mastermind behind it all and kill them all off one by one until there’s nobody left on the island!!”
“What did I tell you about reading too much Agatha Christe?”
“But…”
“No.”
“It could…”
“No.”
“Fine.”
“Ok, so its not the Hero and its not the Judge.”
“Then why do we have the blackmail?”
“So it can come out that the Judge has a thing for boys, thus giving him more dimension and creating tension between him and the Hero, getting in the way of their mentorship and in the way of solving the mystery!”
“But I thought the Hero was going to hook up with the Maid…”
“What does hooking up have to do with anything?”
“Well…tension, right? I thought…well, between the Judge and the Hero and…”
“The Hero’s not gay! AND the Hero is supposed to hook up with the Innocent, not the Maid!”
“Who’s the Innocent?!”
“Mr. M’s niece!”
“Wait…is she a suspect?”
“Yes, because they don’t know where she was at the time of the murder and she was outside in the rain and she stands to inherit.”
“And the rain has relevance why?”
“Because the carpet was wet! Do you even remember the plot we talked about?”
“Well…um…do you want me to answer honestly?”
“Grah! Ok, so Mr. Millionaire is dead, killed by either his niece, his wife, her lover-“
“But wouldn’t Mr. M be her lover?”
“No, the Letch is her lover, remember?”
“Who’s the Letch?”
“MRS. M’S LOVER!”
“Fine…sor-ry…”
“Can I continue?”
“Is that a rhetorical question?”
“MOVING ON! It was either the Innocent, the Letch, the wife, the Maid,-“
“The Judge or the Hero.”
“No, not the Judge or the Hero.”
“Fine, it was either the Innocent, the Letch, the wife, the Maid, or Mr. Millionaire.”
“Mr. Millionaire’s dead!”
“But he could be pretending.”
“…”
“Well, he could.”
“…”
“Fine, fine, fine, it’s not Mr. Millionaire.”
“Thank you. So we have our suspects-“
“And our sleuth.”
“And our sleuth. And we have our evidence.”
“What’s our evidence again?”
“You really don’t remember?”
“…”
“Fine. The evidence. There’s the murder weapon, the wet carpet, the locked door, the state of ‘dishabille’, and the expensive gifts in the Maid’s room.”
“Ok, I know all that…”
“But…?”
“But I don’t know what the murder weapon is.”
“Well…um…I don’t know either, but we digress.”
“’Digress’? Who talks like that?”
“Writers.”
“…”
“Well they do.”
“…”
“…”
“Whatever. So OK, we have the victim, the evidence, the motives…does anyone have an alibi?”
“Well first of all, Mr. Millionaire is dead, so he didn’t do it. Suicide would be a really lame plot twist.”
“I still maintain he could be faking.”
“…”
“…”
“The Hero didn’t do it because…well, he’s the Hero. The Judge didn’t do it because he was playing cards with the Hero when it happened. The Letch and the wife didn’t do it because they were off boffing in the closet, but the rest won’t find that out ‘til later.”
“Boffing?”
“You know…boffing…the beast with two backs?…hide the salami?…a pickle-tickle?…”
“…”
“Sex.”
“Ewww, in the closet?”
“Well, yeah. They’re trying to be sneaky, you see? Its Mr. M’s birthday party, but the Letch won’t take no for an answer, so he waits outside in the rain (that’s why he’s a suspect later, along with the whole money and jealousy shtick) and the wife lets him in and they go at it in the closet when everyone wanders off after dinner, which just so happens to be when Mr. Millionaire is killed!”
“But…the closet? I mean, couldn’t they have a nice relationship with rose petals and scented candles and mattresses?”
“…”
“Unscented candles?”
“No rose petals, no candles, scented or unscented, and no mattresses! Broom closet!”
“Well, if you’re going to be rude about it…”
“Its not a question of rude, it’s a question of plot. Which I will get back to.”
“Fine. So it wasn’t the Hero, the Letch, the Wife, or the Judge. That leaves…”
“That leaves the Maid and the Innocent.”
“So who was it, the Maid or the Innocent?”
“Um…well, we need alibis to prove they didn’t do it, right?”
“I guess, but death is still a lame alibi, so keep them both alive.”
“Death is a wonderful alibi, and so are all of my other alibis!”
“I thought you said it was our story…”
“Well…it is…I just…you know, thought of the alibis…”
“I could have thought of alibis too!”
“I know you could have, you just…didn’t.”
“Well, that’s because you’re too busy having everyone off botching in closets!”
“Boffing.”
“Whatever! But we digress (see, I could be a writer too).”
“Fine…the Maid or the Innocent…who are both alive and kicking, but not in the closet.”
“Well, we said the Maid was too obvious…so there’s you’re answer! It was the Innocent!”
“No! It can't be the Innocent! The Innocent and the Hero get together at the end!”
“With mattresses?”
“Yes with mattresses…and maybe even some candles if you so insist.”
“Well, they have mattresses in jail cells, you know.”
“But they don’t have candles.”
“…You’re right…they don’t have candles…OK, so it wasn’t the Innocent. And we’re back to square one.”
“No we aren’t, there are still other aspects of the plot to consider.”
“Like what?”
“Like…well…um…”
“Exactly my point. Square one. Man, how’s you’re Hero going to figure this out if we can’t?”
“Well…OH! I have an idea! The Hero’s elderly grandmother will come to visit-“
“In a rainstorm?”
“That’s inconsequential. Anyway, the Hero’s grandmother comes, and they give her the skinny on the murder, and then she roots out the real guy! It’s brilliant!”
“But that’s exactly like Agath-“
“No its not, its genius.”
“Fine…whatever. But who does this brilliant grandmother genius root out, eh?”
“Well…ok, so we don’t need the brilliant grandmother genius…”
“Square one?”
“Right, square one.”
“Sooo…?”
“So we have the victim.”
“Wait, who’s the victim again?”
“So we have the victim…”
“Wait, who’s the victim again?”
“Mr. Millionaire.”
“Why?”
“Because there’s the most motivation to kill him! There’s the money thing, and the jealousy thing, and the blackmail thing!”
“Oh…ok. Then who killed him?”
“Well, we have his wife-“
“Mrs. Millionaire.”
“Yeah, Mrs. Millionaire. So we have her-“
“But why would she kill him?”
“Because she wants his money and she’s not in love with him anymore.”
“But what about the idea of her finding Mr. M and the Maid in flagrante delecto and flying into a jealous rage?”
“Well, that’s an option too. But anyway, we have the victim-“
“Then again if the Maid and Mr. M are having an affair than she could have done it too. That would fit in with the locked door and Mr. M’s state of undress…”
“Well, we’re not saying that it had to be the wife.”
“But then it’s the Maid and its too obvious.”
“No, it could be any of the others too.”
“Except the Hero.”
“Right, except the Hero. And the Judge.”
“Well, why not the Judge? Does he even have an alibi?”
“Of course he has an alibi. First of all, he’s a judge. Moreover, he’s the mentor of the Hero!”
“But those aren’t alibis.”
“Well…OK, I see your point. The Judge and the Hero were …um…no…um…aha! They were playing cards when it happened, so it wasn’t the Hero or the Judge.”
“Oh! But what if it is the Judge! The Judge could be the whole mastermind behind it all and kill them all off one by one until there’s nobody left on the island!!”
“What did I tell you about reading too much Agatha Christe?”
“But…”
“No.”
“It could…”
“No.”
“Fine.”
“Ok, so its not the Hero and its not the Judge.”
“Then why do we have the blackmail?”
“So it can come out that the Judge has a thing for boys, thus giving him more dimension and creating tension between him and the Hero, getting in the way of their mentorship and in the way of solving the mystery!”
“But I thought the Hero was going to hook up with the Maid…”
“What does hooking up have to do with anything?”
“Well…tension, right? I thought…well, between the Judge and the Hero and…”
“The Hero’s not gay! AND the Hero is supposed to hook up with the Innocent, not the Maid!”
“Who’s the Innocent?!”
“Mr. M’s niece!”
“Wait…is she a suspect?”
“Yes, because they don’t know where she was at the time of the murder and she was outside in the rain and she stands to inherit.”
“And the rain has relevance why?”
“Because the carpet was wet! Do you even remember the plot we talked about?”
“Well…um…do you want me to answer honestly?”
“Grah! Ok, so Mr. Millionaire is dead, killed by either his niece, his wife, her lover-“
“But wouldn’t Mr. M be her lover?”
“No, the Letch is her lover, remember?”
“Who’s the Letch?”
“MRS. M’S LOVER!”
“Fine…sor-ry…”
“Can I continue?”
“Is that a rhetorical question?”
“MOVING ON! It was either the Innocent, the Letch, the wife, the Maid,-“
“The Judge or the Hero.”
“No, not the Judge or the Hero.”
“Fine, it was either the Innocent, the Letch, the wife, the Maid, or Mr. Millionaire.”
“Mr. Millionaire’s dead!”
“But he could be pretending.”
“…”
“Well, he could.”
“…”
“Fine, fine, fine, it’s not Mr. Millionaire.”
“Thank you. So we have our suspects-“
“And our sleuth.”
“And our sleuth. And we have our evidence.”
“What’s our evidence again?”
“You really don’t remember?”
“…”
“Fine. The evidence. There’s the murder weapon, the wet carpet, the locked door, the state of ‘dishabille’, and the expensive gifts in the Maid’s room.”
“Ok, I know all that…”
“But…?”
“But I don’t know what the murder weapon is.”
“Well…um…I don’t know either, but we digress.”
“’Digress’? Who talks like that?”
“Writers.”
“…”
“Well they do.”
“…”
“…”
“Whatever. So OK, we have the victim, the evidence, the motives…does anyone have an alibi?”
“Well first of all, Mr. Millionaire is dead, so he didn’t do it. Suicide would be a really lame plot twist.”
“I still maintain he could be faking.”
“…”
“…”
“The Hero didn’t do it because…well, he’s the Hero. The Judge didn’t do it because he was playing cards with the Hero when it happened. The Letch and the wife didn’t do it because they were off boffing in the closet, but the rest won’t find that out ‘til later.”
“Boffing?”
“You know…boffing…the beast with two backs?…hide the salami?…a pickle-tickle?…”
“…”
“Sex.”
“Ewww, in the closet?”
“Well, yeah. They’re trying to be sneaky, you see? Its Mr. M’s birthday party, but the Letch won’t take no for an answer, so he waits outside in the rain (that’s why he’s a suspect later, along with the whole money and jealousy shtick) and the wife lets him in and they go at it in the closet when everyone wanders off after dinner, which just so happens to be when Mr. Millionaire is killed!”
“But…the closet? I mean, couldn’t they have a nice relationship with rose petals and scented candles and mattresses?”
“…”
“Unscented candles?”
“No rose petals, no candles, scented or unscented, and no mattresses! Broom closet!”
“Well, if you’re going to be rude about it…”
“Its not a question of rude, it’s a question of plot. Which I will get back to.”
“Fine. So it wasn’t the Hero, the Letch, the Wife, or the Judge. That leaves…”
“That leaves the Maid and the Innocent.”
“So who was it, the Maid or the Innocent?”
“Um…well, we need alibis to prove they didn’t do it, right?”
“I guess, but death is still a lame alibi, so keep them both alive.”
“Death is a wonderful alibi, and so are all of my other alibis!”
“I thought you said it was our story…”
“Well…it is…I just…you know, thought of the alibis…”
“I could have thought of alibis too!”
“I know you could have, you just…didn’t.”
“Well, that’s because you’re too busy having everyone off botching in closets!”
“Boffing.”
“Whatever! But we digress (see, I could be a writer too).”
“Fine…the Maid or the Innocent…who are both alive and kicking, but not in the closet.”
“Well, we said the Maid was too obvious…so there’s you’re answer! It was the Innocent!”
“No! It can't be the Innocent! The Innocent and the Hero get together at the end!”
“With mattresses?”
“Yes with mattresses…and maybe even some candles if you so insist.”
“Well, they have mattresses in jail cells, you know.”
“But they don’t have candles.”
“…You’re right…they don’t have candles…OK, so it wasn’t the Innocent. And we’re back to square one.”
“No we aren’t, there are still other aspects of the plot to consider.”
“Like what?”
“Like…well…um…”
“Exactly my point. Square one. Man, how’s you’re Hero going to figure this out if we can’t?”
“Well…OH! I have an idea! The Hero’s elderly grandmother will come to visit-“
“In a rainstorm?”
“That’s inconsequential. Anyway, the Hero’s grandmother comes, and they give her the skinny on the murder, and then she roots out the real guy! It’s brilliant!”
“But that’s exactly like Agath-“
“No its not, its genius.”
“Fine…whatever. But who does this brilliant grandmother genius root out, eh?”
“Well…ok, so we don’t need the brilliant grandmother genius…”
“Square one?”
“Right, square one.”
“Sooo…?”
“So we have the victim.”
“Wait, who’s the victim again?”