(no subject)
(I am leaving out LJ codes.. sorry Didn't feel like messing with them)
First of all I am going to TRY to convey my personal feeling in this post. If you know me, you know I don't do that. I am fairly vague on my goings on, and it's hard for me to put this all into words, So please bare with me, hang in there and... good lord here we go.
I hate putting negative things on my lj. I just didn't want you all to have to read the crap things going on in my life... I guess I didn't want to burden anyone. Rachel told me however, that LJ is a place to do that. Besides your friends won't see it as a burden. She told me that people are worried about me, because I say that things are wrong but I don't specify the things that ARE wrong. So in all actuality I am makings things worse. So just FYI I will try to be more honest and less vague with the goings on in mylife from now on. It's a habit I suppose so just give me a kick, if forget.
I guess frist of all, I should tell you one of my HUGE failings (besides my horrible grammar, I always feel bad for Dee and Camden who have to read my post with all the grammar problems). I have a major problem with pushing things and people that I love away, when bad things happen to me in my life. I can't tell you how hard that is to overcome. Especially when you are unaware you are doing it. Unfortunately, I don't realize that I do it most of the time, and in this instance I didn't really think I was.
I know I am horrible about keeping up with people, but I believe that stems from the same problem. However, for someone who is not great at keeping up with people I thought I was doing a good job, or at least I am pretty sure I was up until my birthday. (I have birthday issues, but that is another story :D )
Honestly, I knew that I wasn't talking to people as much as I had been before, but I didn't think I was actually neglecting my friends. I didn't really see it that way.
Most of the people who read this know I just moved from Louisiana to South Carolina. I can't tell you in words, how hard it has been to move away from all of the people that I love and care about and move to a place where I don't know anyone. I go from having a strict schedule, being busy with everything that I enjoy doing, to working all day with a boss who is hypicritial and only cares for herself and to a job that is not really personally fulfilling. It's like everyday I am there more of the Erin I knew is sucked out and is replaced with an inpatient, unhappy Erin, that I can't recognize.
The only reason I put up with all of it, is because I love my kids that I work with. If it wasn't for them, I would, well Im not sure what I would be doing if anything right now. On that note. I feel like a looser with out a job that I have a degree for. Yes it's nonrealistic to think I will find a band directing job in the middle of the school year. It's hard to be in a job that pays minimum wage and have bills, and more importantly school loans waging war over my head. Everytime I talk to someone who as a job in there field or something, I feel like a looser and a failure as a person. Yes it must be nice to great someone (where ever you are) and say "Hey how are you? What do you do for a living? Oh thats great I am a ... *insert job tittle here*" I get to say "Hey how are you? Oh what a great job you have. Oh... what do I do, well I'm a Band Director... you know, without a job." I don't even think I can call myself a Band Director without someone to direct.
I am also scared shitless to get a job. Now there are reasons behind this which, I think only Rachel knows about. If you must know, you can call and ask. Honestly, it won't be easy to tell.
Another reason I am having a really hard time adjusting to life back in South Carolina is because, for the majority of my adult life, I have lived on my own 16 hours away from my parents. And now, here I am living in there house. Now don't get me wrong, I love my family with all that is in me, but a person can only take so much. Honestly though, I wouldn't have a problem with it, if I had my friends with me. If it wasn't for my friends Laura, Heather, Lacy and now Jace here in South Carolina, I think I would have circumed to depression or something. Although I think I touch base with it every so often, but who doesn't?
(Just to break this up randomly, Im cold. Yes It's been cold here for weeks! :( I KNOW! I haven't been this cold since I left Ohio.)
Speaking of Ohio...
I owe an apology to all of you lovely girls, who I vacay'd with in Ohio during spring break, especially Dee. I was having a hard time them too, knowing I was about to leave all of my friends and move home. I couldn't level with you then because it takes me FOREVER to sort out my feelings. I wasn't trying to push you all away, and I apologize if that is the feeling you girls might have gotten. It wasn't intentional at all. I love you girls so much (and this goes for EVERYONE I have ever me while in Ohio lol) and I know my life would not be the same without you. I count myself very luck and honored to call your girls my friends.
Speaking of friends in Ohio...
I owe another apology to Dee. Dee-dums I love you so much dude. Might even go so far to say I less than 3 you. (I would go further than that) About the mail you sent me recently. When I called you and left a message on your phone I hadn't seen it yet. I was having a night tonight let me tell you. I talked to Rach tonight. I was going out to see my friend Laura's boyfriends' band. ... ANyways...Mom tends to put mail in odd spots (She did this with Meko's package too) I called her at the bar (or well outside of it) and asked her if I had, had any packages come recently. She said something about a small package that came on Wednesday. She told me that she saw it and put it in my Laundry basket. I got the package tonight, after a good search. (it was in my brothers laundry basket in his room.) From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for the gifts. You could not have been more thoughtful. I loved the manga. And you have no idea how much I have been looking at buying that manga myself, because it seems really cute. Just want you to know, it was wonderful. I left the bar about 45 minutes after I got there (I so needed a beer tonight) I went home and eventually found the package... and I opened it and read through the manga very quickly. I will probably pick up the next volume tomorrow.
Thank you for the Pocky, I shall munch on that soon, and thank you for the gift certificate! I was looking at buying Man of LaMancha (a musical that I love) as soon as I got money and now I can have it! YAY! *CLAPS* And OMG!!!!!!!! MY PREFECT BADGE! OMG! I WILL SPORT THAT WITH PRIDE! OMG! Now who is the coolest Slytherin ever... yeah thats me.
Dee, I seriously, SERIOUSLY want to apologize if I have hurt you in anyway, I swear to you that it was unintentional but extremely thoughtless of me. I should have told my mom that I was expecting something. I hope you can forgive me. Thank you again for the gifts! They are so rock awesome! Oh, thank you for the card too!
Rachel
Thank you very much forgiving me a wake up call. I am glad you know me so well, because I would be lost without you.
And to finish up this LONG post
My work hours suck I go in at 6:30 AM and I take a break midday, then I go back in and I get off of work at 6:30PM but I don't leave the building until about 7 or so. I used to keep myself phone on me, however that is not allowed anymore and the first offense will cause you to be fired on the spot. So it stays in my car.
My cell phone kinda sucks. Somedays it tells me when people call. Most of the time if you leave a Voice Mail I usually get it the next day or the day after. I get text at the right time (for the most part) If you send me a text and I don't respond right away, I am either at work, or I just didn't see that I had one.
And a last bit of randomness, Aw I love this ICON. The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown rocks!
First of all I am going to TRY to convey my personal feeling in this post. If you know me, you know I don't do that. I am fairly vague on my goings on, and it's hard for me to put this all into words, So please bare with me, hang in there and... good lord here we go.
I hate putting negative things on my lj. I just didn't want you all to have to read the crap things going on in my life... I guess I didn't want to burden anyone. Rachel told me however, that LJ is a place to do that. Besides your friends won't see it as a burden. She told me that people are worried about me, because I say that things are wrong but I don't specify the things that ARE wrong. So in all actuality I am makings things worse. So just FYI I will try to be more honest and less vague with the goings on in mylife from now on. It's a habit I suppose so just give me a kick, if forget.
I guess frist of all, I should tell you one of my HUGE failings (besides my horrible grammar, I always feel bad for Dee and Camden who have to read my post with all the grammar problems). I have a major problem with pushing things and people that I love away, when bad things happen to me in my life. I can't tell you how hard that is to overcome. Especially when you are unaware you are doing it. Unfortunately, I don't realize that I do it most of the time, and in this instance I didn't really think I was.
I know I am horrible about keeping up with people, but I believe that stems from the same problem. However, for someone who is not great at keeping up with people I thought I was doing a good job, or at least I am pretty sure I was up until my birthday. (I have birthday issues, but that is another story :D )
Honestly, I knew that I wasn't talking to people as much as I had been before, but I didn't think I was actually neglecting my friends. I didn't really see it that way.
Most of the people who read this know I just moved from Louisiana to South Carolina. I can't tell you in words, how hard it has been to move away from all of the people that I love and care about and move to a place where I don't know anyone. I go from having a strict schedule, being busy with everything that I enjoy doing, to working all day with a boss who is hypicritial and only cares for herself and to a job that is not really personally fulfilling. It's like everyday I am there more of the Erin I knew is sucked out and is replaced with an inpatient, unhappy Erin, that I can't recognize.
The only reason I put up with all of it, is because I love my kids that I work with. If it wasn't for them, I would, well Im not sure what I would be doing if anything right now. On that note. I feel like a looser with out a job that I have a degree for. Yes it's nonrealistic to think I will find a band directing job in the middle of the school year. It's hard to be in a job that pays minimum wage and have bills, and more importantly school loans waging war over my head. Everytime I talk to someone who as a job in there field or something, I feel like a looser and a failure as a person. Yes it must be nice to great someone (where ever you are) and say "Hey how are you? What do you do for a living? Oh thats great I am a ... *insert job tittle here*" I get to say "Hey how are you? Oh what a great job you have. Oh... what do I do, well I'm a Band Director... you know, without a job." I don't even think I can call myself a Band Director without someone to direct.
I am also scared shitless to get a job. Now there are reasons behind this which, I think only Rachel knows about. If you must know, you can call and ask. Honestly, it won't be easy to tell.
Another reason I am having a really hard time adjusting to life back in South Carolina is because, for the majority of my adult life, I have lived on my own 16 hours away from my parents. And now, here I am living in there house. Now don't get me wrong, I love my family with all that is in me, but a person can only take so much. Honestly though, I wouldn't have a problem with it, if I had my friends with me. If it wasn't for my friends Laura, Heather, Lacy and now Jace here in South Carolina, I think I would have circumed to depression or something. Although I think I touch base with it every so often, but who doesn't?
(Just to break this up randomly, Im cold. Yes It's been cold here for weeks! :( I KNOW! I haven't been this cold since I left Ohio.)
Speaking of Ohio...
I owe an apology to all of you lovely girls, who I vacay'd with in Ohio during spring break, especially Dee. I was having a hard time them too, knowing I was about to leave all of my friends and move home. I couldn't level with you then because it takes me FOREVER to sort out my feelings. I wasn't trying to push you all away, and I apologize if that is the feeling you girls might have gotten. It wasn't intentional at all. I love you girls so much (and this goes for EVERYONE I have ever me while in Ohio lol) and I know my life would not be the same without you. I count myself very luck and honored to call your girls my friends.
Speaking of friends in Ohio...
I owe another apology to Dee. Dee-dums I love you so much dude. Might even go so far to say I less than 3 you. (I would go further than that) About the mail you sent me recently. When I called you and left a message on your phone I hadn't seen it yet. I was having a night tonight let me tell you. I talked to Rach tonight. I was going out to see my friend Laura's boyfriends' band. ... ANyways...Mom tends to put mail in odd spots (She did this with Meko's package too) I called her at the bar (or well outside of it) and asked her if I had, had any packages come recently. She said something about a small package that came on Wednesday. She told me that she saw it and put it in my Laundry basket. I got the package tonight, after a good search. (it was in my brothers laundry basket in his room.) From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for the gifts. You could not have been more thoughtful. I loved the manga. And you have no idea how much I have been looking at buying that manga myself, because it seems really cute. Just want you to know, it was wonderful. I left the bar about 45 minutes after I got there (I so needed a beer tonight) I went home and eventually found the package... and I opened it and read through the manga very quickly. I will probably pick up the next volume tomorrow.
Thank you for the Pocky, I shall munch on that soon, and thank you for the gift certificate! I was looking at buying Man of LaMancha (a musical that I love) as soon as I got money and now I can have it! YAY! *CLAPS* And OMG!!!!!!!! MY PREFECT BADGE! OMG! I WILL SPORT THAT WITH PRIDE! OMG! Now who is the coolest Slytherin ever... yeah thats me.
Dee, I seriously, SERIOUSLY want to apologize if I have hurt you in anyway, I swear to you that it was unintentional but extremely thoughtless of me. I should have told my mom that I was expecting something. I hope you can forgive me. Thank you again for the gifts! They are so rock awesome! Oh, thank you for the card too!
Rachel
Thank you very much forgiving me a wake up call. I am glad you know me so well, because I would be lost without you.
And to finish up this LONG post
My work hours suck I go in at 6:30 AM and I take a break midday, then I go back in and I get off of work at 6:30PM but I don't leave the building until about 7 or so. I used to keep myself phone on me, however that is not allowed anymore and the first offense will cause you to be fired on the spot. So it stays in my car.
My cell phone kinda sucks. Somedays it tells me when people call. Most of the time if you leave a Voice Mail I usually get it the next day or the day after. I get text at the right time (for the most part) If you send me a text and I don't respond right away, I am either at work, or I just didn't see that I had one.
And a last bit of randomness, Aw I love this ICON. The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown rocks!