moms
I am surprised my mom has lived this long without having a heart attack. An awful thing to say I know but she is so tense and so stressed all the time, borrowing from Ferris Beuler: she is so tight, if you stuck a lump of coal inside her, you'd get a diamond.
She tells me I need to find a job at school. I say ok no problem, I want to get one anyways. She starts listing all these places she wants me to work (Center Elementary school) but I can't work there. Only people with federal work study get jobs there. So I say I still have an application at the Gap and what does she say: "No, it's not good enough, it wont look good on your resume". I also tell her about babysitting opportunities that pay good money - nope, thats not good enough either. Don't fight it - both are good jobs. She tells me to find a job then sees something wrong with everything I think of. And anyways, what did I do over the summer again?? Ohh yeah, I went to England to work in an England school. I've been working at schools for the past 4 fucken bloody years, I think that 1 job that isn't education or child related will be ok.
Almost everything she says is to tell me something I need to do better or differently: "21 year olds dont where shorts, its inappropriate" "stop moving around so much, adults stand still" (im sorry, my inability to care what other people think is making you feel conscious, I can't stand still, I never have so I move).
We were trying to get back to the dorm from South Kensington station in London to get ready quick to see a play. I say "let's take the bus, its faster" she says "no, i think walking is better" i say "you sure? were going to have to walk fast" "and she says "lets stop dawdling! go!" so we go and then I get yelled at first for walking to fast then she starts telling me I need to move faster at the dorm. Why didnt she listen to me? because she thought we would get back faster walking.
I just can't do anything right. She tells me I'm fat, i'm immature, i'm expensive, I don't know how to take care of myself, and i don't work hard enough. Alright so I admit that I am expensive, thats a given, i'm her child. I thought living on my own in another country would show I can live on my own. I take care of myself and I try to work out, you can't do much more than that. Every other person my entire life except for my mom has told me I am the hardest working person they've ever met.
I know my mom loves me and that she wants whats best and thats why shes hard on me. I just wish that I could for once hear her say that shes proud of me or that I did something right.