More dying inside
Talked with mike via MSN & webcam last night. Saved the convo. More messages from Merisa implying they had been together...unless it was via text. ::shrugs:: He didn't deny it. Haven't revealed that I monitor hotmail. But he was really spiteful...Saying lots of mean, manipulative things...I felt grossed out by it even...I feel now that she is back he is more interested in pursuing her since she is physically there. Apparently he's been job searching...She suggested doing a trucking job...
Well he blocked me from fb wall again, and was chatting with her via fb messages while we were talking...Result was feelings of rejection...despair...hurt from dishonesty...cheated on...My spirit was screaming inside...Today I discovered a poem I wrote in February of 2009 I believe, which reflected the same feelings...Interesting...It seems that I forget the bad, while he forgets the good in our past.
Well I sent out an email with just the subject line reading "prayer please" to Josh, Andy, & Rachelle. I was blessed in that Rachelle is visiting Oregon so even thought it was midnight or so on PST, she was just checking her mail and called me almost immediately. So we talked until 2:30, with me sobbing my emotions to her but by the end I wasn't crying anymore and I could actually go to sleep. God is so good. She's the 1st person who isn't saying, "Christine you deserve someone better". Instead she said, "Christine you deserve to be treated better". Whether it's from Mike or someone else...She also pointed out from her point of view that I had given Mike a lot of control, even though he denies it. (I.e. asking him about moving to CA even though he hadn't proposed...He was effectively in control regarding the future of our relationship, whether he moved out or not...That I'm generally a people pleaser...) She encouraged me not to take on guilt, that she recognized it because it was something she did and through counseling was fighting, that Mike likes to push the blame but in every case she sees I did all I could.
One thing she said which was illuminating was, "I can tell that you want more...There are things you want from a relationship that have been lacking. But, it's hard for you because you want those things from Mike." Basically...That I wasn't happy with the relationship, obviously thus the break, but that in the end of the day, it wasn't that I wanted to find someone else with those qualities, it's that I wanted Mike to have them. I wanted it to be HIM. She also said though that Mike really is not a man of character. Which is true. What he's doing is causing division in God's church, by leading on all these girls...
Part of me REALLY wants to message Merisa and tell her everything...To set off the big bomb...But I think God is reminding me of a verse...I can't recall it but it's in the Psalms...About how we can take control and cause our enemies harm, but that would be doing things our way. Or, we can give it up to God, and he will work it out in His way...For if they deserve punishment or a smacking, who could do it better than God?
Well he blocked me from fb wall again, and was chatting with her via fb messages while we were talking...Result was feelings of rejection...despair...hurt from dishonesty...cheated on...My spirit was screaming inside...Today I discovered a poem I wrote in February of 2009 I believe, which reflected the same feelings...Interesting...It seems that I forget the bad, while he forgets the good in our past.
Well I sent out an email with just the subject line reading "prayer please" to Josh, Andy, & Rachelle. I was blessed in that Rachelle is visiting Oregon so even thought it was midnight or so on PST, she was just checking her mail and called me almost immediately. So we talked until 2:30, with me sobbing my emotions to her but by the end I wasn't crying anymore and I could actually go to sleep. God is so good. She's the 1st person who isn't saying, "Christine you deserve someone better". Instead she said, "Christine you deserve to be treated better". Whether it's from Mike or someone else...She also pointed out from her point of view that I had given Mike a lot of control, even though he denies it. (I.e. asking him about moving to CA even though he hadn't proposed...He was effectively in control regarding the future of our relationship, whether he moved out or not...That I'm generally a people pleaser...) She encouraged me not to take on guilt, that she recognized it because it was something she did and through counseling was fighting, that Mike likes to push the blame but in every case she sees I did all I could.
One thing she said which was illuminating was, "I can tell that you want more...There are things you want from a relationship that have been lacking. But, it's hard for you because you want those things from Mike." Basically...That I wasn't happy with the relationship, obviously thus the break, but that in the end of the day, it wasn't that I wanted to find someone else with those qualities, it's that I wanted Mike to have them. I wanted it to be HIM. She also said though that Mike really is not a man of character. Which is true. What he's doing is causing division in God's church, by leading on all these girls...
Part of me REALLY wants to message Merisa and tell her everything...To set off the big bomb...But I think God is reminding me of a verse...I can't recall it but it's in the Psalms...About how we can take control and cause our enemies harm, but that would be doing things our way. Or, we can give it up to God, and he will work it out in His way...For if they deserve punishment or a smacking, who could do it better than God?