Trust?
I dont know why I do stupid shit. Let's just say that Les fucks up now and again. I never thought I was "mr. Perfect" nor do I aspire to be as such. I dont even strive to become "almost close to perfect" I figure that when I was designed, I was made as perfectly as I could have been, so there really is no point in striving for something that already is. Therefore my perfection is just a matter of being and not a futile goal. Even with my flaws, faults, and foibles i am still more than good enough for me. It just seems like a waste of precious energy to me, trying to be perfect. Skills on the other hand, well thats where I screw up. Often I have crossed boundaries, crossed communication, mixed up signals, proven myself to be a hypocrite time and time again, I have been two faced, not listened to people when I should have, talked shit, and well, you name it, I have done it to people (except: molestation, murder, and rape.. im sure im forgetting something) I fuck up an order every day at work, inattention sometimes rules me and I have to ride my emotions like a wave. I do not even pretend to have control over most things. All I have is choice, and I do my best to make careful choices. Usually, i choose with my heart, and not my head.
A little background: When I was 15, I had this girlfriend, Jenny Lutz. I thought I loved her. No, I just tried to control her. She whined, alot. One day I wound up getting pissed at her for something stupid and made her walk home. I was a kid. An immature little kid. Immediately I felt regret. Too little, too late. She was on her way to sleeping with my two best friends simultaneously (slut). I thought I could never trust anyone again. It was out of my control. There was nothing I could do. I was getting fucked over by the situation here. Had I only been someone that I was not could things have worked out. From this point I learned, dont try to change people, control is horrible, people should be free do what they will, and if you love them, you should trust their will. As for my friends, I have made over 70 connections between michigan and indiana. Some of them turned out to be good (rare) and some of them turned out to be saints (rarer yet). Some have vanished, some in prison, some just trying to find their way just like me. While others are trying to survive, others are thriving and doing very well for themselves. I was never too clicky, and my group was always open to anyone. I can honestly say that I did not believe in exclusive groups up until I moved to Indiana and went to College. So really since I joined speech, did I understand why people are inclusive, exclusive, and selective about the company they keep. The reason is trust. I figure, if you make it to me, you must have done something right, or I must have done something right. I was at one point in time grateful to meet people-I celebrated them, somehow the part of that roll transformed into people being lucky to know me. Then I was arrogant. Still am.
however...
I screwed up by doing many things that I almost regret. Sometimes people have to get up and walk away and I understand that. For what it is worth to the people that I have wronged, I am really sorry I said what I had said and crossed the lines that I have crossed. I just want everyone to be friends. I for one think it is easy to trust people. Most Others do not share this perspective. I find it very difficult to not be trusted beacuse I am so trusting. At times I honestly think people feel much more comfortable not trusting others, this is because the people in question are always at an arms length, and self control can take over, and the person can be dealt with. People are funny sometimes because Once you let them into your territories, invited in closer than the usual arms length, we get more and more suspicious of the intentions of the other, and we sacrifice our personal comfort zone-for an inclusive sort of comfort zone which is less "me" oriented. I dont know how to describe the difference, but there is one. Look at it this way: Its one thing to let someone in, its another to include them completely. And, I must admit, Given everything that I was told this morning, then what happened, then going to work and dealing with people who do not yet trust me with thier business- I essentially get that I am not trustworthy. People are going to dictate to me and boss me around and tell me not to do things, and I wont understand why they are so pissed, esp if its personal. At work I understand there is definite place for this paradigm. Even in personal lives there is a place for demands I suppose. Everyone has limits and of all the people I have ever known my limits appear to be in strange places, and my boundaries often do not make sense to others.
You should see how people talk to me. Perhaps i'm too dense to get most pain. Who knows. All I know of myself is that I am not perfect, I make mistakes alot, I may never have a complete understanding of how I work, but what I do know, is that when people go out of their way to trust you, you should not give them reasons to take that trust back. Because they are looking, looking for reasons not to, because its much more comfortable to hold people at bay. If we hand theese reasons to them freely, well... you are at their mercy for forgiveness, running the risk of forever being suspect to every interpersonal ill imagineable. But dont keep secrets either, because that causes other problems. Bigger, Killer problems. Like cheating, driving people away, isolating yourself, emotional and sexual distance, and even breaking up, shutting them out, or trying to control them needlessly. Trust? Yea, trust that im not going to kill anyone, cheat on Liz, or abandon my friends. Wherever they may be...
A little background: When I was 15, I had this girlfriend, Jenny Lutz. I thought I loved her. No, I just tried to control her. She whined, alot. One day I wound up getting pissed at her for something stupid and made her walk home. I was a kid. An immature little kid. Immediately I felt regret. Too little, too late. She was on her way to sleeping with my two best friends simultaneously (slut). I thought I could never trust anyone again. It was out of my control. There was nothing I could do. I was getting fucked over by the situation here. Had I only been someone that I was not could things have worked out. From this point I learned, dont try to change people, control is horrible, people should be free do what they will, and if you love them, you should trust their will. As for my friends, I have made over 70 connections between michigan and indiana. Some of them turned out to be good (rare) and some of them turned out to be saints (rarer yet). Some have vanished, some in prison, some just trying to find their way just like me. While others are trying to survive, others are thriving and doing very well for themselves. I was never too clicky, and my group was always open to anyone. I can honestly say that I did not believe in exclusive groups up until I moved to Indiana and went to College. So really since I joined speech, did I understand why people are inclusive, exclusive, and selective about the company they keep. The reason is trust. I figure, if you make it to me, you must have done something right, or I must have done something right. I was at one point in time grateful to meet people-I celebrated them, somehow the part of that roll transformed into people being lucky to know me. Then I was arrogant. Still am.
however...
I screwed up by doing many things that I almost regret. Sometimes people have to get up and walk away and I understand that. For what it is worth to the people that I have wronged, I am really sorry I said what I had said and crossed the lines that I have crossed. I just want everyone to be friends. I for one think it is easy to trust people. Most Others do not share this perspective. I find it very difficult to not be trusted beacuse I am so trusting. At times I honestly think people feel much more comfortable not trusting others, this is because the people in question are always at an arms length, and self control can take over, and the person can be dealt with. People are funny sometimes because Once you let them into your territories, invited in closer than the usual arms length, we get more and more suspicious of the intentions of the other, and we sacrifice our personal comfort zone-for an inclusive sort of comfort zone which is less "me" oriented. I dont know how to describe the difference, but there is one. Look at it this way: Its one thing to let someone in, its another to include them completely. And, I must admit, Given everything that I was told this morning, then what happened, then going to work and dealing with people who do not yet trust me with thier business- I essentially get that I am not trustworthy. People are going to dictate to me and boss me around and tell me not to do things, and I wont understand why they are so pissed, esp if its personal. At work I understand there is definite place for this paradigm. Even in personal lives there is a place for demands I suppose. Everyone has limits and of all the people I have ever known my limits appear to be in strange places, and my boundaries often do not make sense to others.
You should see how people talk to me. Perhaps i'm too dense to get most pain. Who knows. All I know of myself is that I am not perfect, I make mistakes alot, I may never have a complete understanding of how I work, but what I do know, is that when people go out of their way to trust you, you should not give them reasons to take that trust back. Because they are looking, looking for reasons not to, because its much more comfortable to hold people at bay. If we hand theese reasons to them freely, well... you are at their mercy for forgiveness, running the risk of forever being suspect to every interpersonal ill imagineable. But dont keep secrets either, because that causes other problems. Bigger, Killer problems. Like cheating, driving people away, isolating yourself, emotional and sexual distance, and even breaking up, shutting them out, or trying to control them needlessly. Trust? Yea, trust that im not going to kill anyone, cheat on Liz, or abandon my friends. Wherever they may be...