Fic: Guilt
Author: erratus60
Pairing: Ed/Al
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angsty and some vague sexual scenes.
Summary: Do witnesses really make an act wrong? Or do they just bring the wrongness to light?
Notes: Al has his body back, Ed still has missing limbs, and they are living in Central. The views are not my own, only a plot device (odd, considering this is a one-shot). I left it open ended with some idea of maybe tacking on a squeal at some point. Maybe. I was looking at the 30 Elricist prompt list and this was partly-inspired by "apology", "acceptance", and "love" but has departed significantly from all of them. Anywho...
~
They were in the dim light, hidden and safe. Just him and his little brother that he loved very much. Too much. More than he ever wished for. But it was okay that moment, because they were hidden away and safe. No one could watch Ed as he reaped the fruits of their long journey. Al, too, was enjoying it. Enjoying what they could do now. It was just them in their safe little room, dim and hidden. Their hands could explore every inch of the other’s body without shame. But their sounds of pleasure had to be muffled. There was a world outside, a cruel one that would judge harshly for the vile acts they committed. But that didn’t matter, because they were quiet in their hidden room.
Ed’s teeth were nipping at Al’s lower lip in a way that made them both needy for more. Ed’s arms were busy holding Al close, while Al’s hands were touching Ed in too-good places. They were both naked, but Ed only realized this after bright, judging light broke into their safe spot. All in a moment, the world’s prying eyes opened to the two. The room melted away into openness with faces all around. Shocked and horrified faces. The colonel was there, face twisted as though he witnessed a grisly murder. Hawkeye, eyes wide and fixed at the ground, stood next to Winry, who covered her mouth in shock. She didn’t even bother with the tears rolling down her checks.
One face, though, one face was all it took to make Ed stop breathless.
“Mom?”, he croaked. His mouth was dry and his teeth clenched without consent. Trisha didn’t say anything. Couldn’t say anything. Her two little boys, so precious to her, were found to be doing this. They were…were…
Wrong.
“Don’t worry about them”, Al breathed in his ear, uncaring about the audience. “What does their opinion matter?”, and his hands, his hands just wouldn’t stop. They demanded to touch every curve, every inch, just as Ed had been but a moment ago.
“Al, stop!”, he tried to push his brother (brother!) off, but Al persisted, clinging to him. Not pushing him into anything he didn’t want (need, even), but not hiding their common desires.
“Make me”, his playful voice only made Ed suck in gulps of air. Al wasn’t stopping, and the crowd began to murmur. All but their mother. Their mother never moved. Eternally stuck, horrified and disgraced. “Brother…”, Al moaned into his ear.
Ed made a disgruntled gasp as he was mercifully pulled out of his dream. He was in the dark, safe room again. Their room, in their apartment, with the lights off.
Their room. Al was with him, sleeping in their bed in a very non-brotherly way. If anyone were to walk in, or to peak into the window even, they would be seen. Caught and exposed. With a shaky breath and uncertainty, Ed sat up in the bed. Nausea demanded his mind, but within a minute he had fought it off.
That didn’t mean he wanted to slide back into bed though. Not with his brother there, warming the bed and tempting him with things that should not be.
“Brother…”, Al’s arms were around him and his head rested on Ed’s shoulder. His voice was pitched, just short of a whine. Ed knew what he wanted. He wanted him to return to bed. To lay back down and wrap his arms around him and accept the feelings and needs. To give in.
Ed didn’t move. He couldn’t bring himself to go back. No one knew about them. They might be able to hide from the world, maybe even forever, but does that make it any better? Do witnesses really make an act wrong? Or do they just bring the wrongness to light?
Al began to relax his hold on Ed. He would slide down Ed’s body just a bit before the motion would wake him enough for him to strengthen his grip. Then, sleep would lull him further down Ed’s body. This repeated until Al was resting half in his brother’s lap. His arms still wrapped loosely around Ed’s waist while he buried his face into Ed’s stomach. Finding a comfortable spot at last, Al sighed and allowed himself to fully give in to sleep.
He was either apathetic or ignorant to the issue. Al only cared about their actions so far as they did not get caught. He seemed to have no guilt, no qualms with turning his brother into something so unbrotherly. Wrong. Bastardizing what was once a pure and perfect relationship.
At least Ed cared. He cared that what they were doing was wrong. Cared enough to feel the rightful shame. He cared enough to fight it. He was happy to smother his feelings and keep Al as his brother. That was his plan even. Just to suppress and ignore those little flutters until hopefully the needs faded away. Hell, he’d even go to a shrink, if needed. Anything to keep his only family bond pure and right.
But then Al came to him. Showed him the needs and wants and raw desires were common. Shared. He would cup Ed’s face and mash lips and teeth together in a rough kiss. It was like gasoline on a fire, causing it to blaze ever higher. Then he would pull back and give Ed a look and whisper sweet reassurances that promised it was fine and well. Logs on the fire, giving it the strength to burn on. And their sin burned brightly.
Al had no shame. He knew what would happen if they were found out, but didn’t care why. He simply didn’t care.
Ed reached out to touch him. His precious little brother. Run fingers through his hair or stroke his cheek. Feel his warmth and drink in it. Anything to feel the depth of their bonds that he cherished all too wrongly. Ed needed to draw comfort from the travesty of their love. But he knew what it was, where Al didn’t see it.
Which is worse, a sin born of ignorance, or the same sin born of apathy? Or are they simply the same?
Rage flared suddenly and violently. A rare, deep rage directed at that precious form in his lap took him. For a brief moment Edward didn’t see his baby brother. He didn’t see the man that always loved him regardless of his words or even actions. The sweet memories of Al’s playful hands flicking his hair were gone. The tender words that Al used to reassure their actions were lost. In that brief moment, all Ed saw was a snake bearing a fruit.
What can be wrong about two people loving each other?
Maybe it was a slap. Maybe it was a full on punch. But Ed’s metal hand found itself colliding with Al’s head hard enough to throw him across the bed. Al made a sound. Maybe a yelp. Maybe a squeak (oh, the adorable sounds he can make-stopthatEdwardyou’renotsupposeto-). It is possible he even said words. But Ed was still in a rage. Rage fuelled by guilt and fear and prodded along by a uncertainty of the rage itself.
Out. Ed realized that he needed out because Al was looking at him with wide eyes and his mouth was moving and oh god what did he do?
Pants, boots, and a shirt were hastily tugged on. Ed worked hard to ignore the worried eyes as he dressed. He worked harder to dodge the body blocking his way out of the room and moments later the house.
(Even after hitting him, Al only thinks about what is wrong with you. He truly loves you Edward)
He makes me do bad things, wrong things. Unhealthy things. Gotta get away, for both of us. We can’t be together, not with the need living in us.
“Brother, wait! Where are you going? Talk to me!”, Al stood in front of him on the steps to the apartment. Terror gripped Al’s eyes and ripped Ed away from his own panic into a calm sense of understanding.
“What we do Al… It isn’t right. It has to stop”, Ed stepped to side and moved past his brother. Al didn’t move to stop him. Ed vaguely hoped that it was from having a common understanding. That Al knew that they needed to stop. That way when Ed came back, they could start again as just brothers. Mend their demented relationship. But Ed knew it wasn’t acceptance or understanding that froze Al. That was wishful thinking and he knew it. It was terror and shock that had stopped Al from chasing him.
At least Al wasn’t coming after him. It allowed him to get to the train station in peace. Regret tugged at his heart with every step. It’s not too late. You know he’ll take you back. He wouldn’t even be mad! He loves you like that… But no. It had to be done. The guilt of their love had been welling up since their relationship started. This was the best way for it to end.
And it had to end. Ed told himself that over the next few days as the train ides took him farther away from central.