First fight.
"I just don't want to share you, I just don't." I remember staring at Kevin in dismay as he shook his head from side to side briskly, his eyes on the ground instead of me. I couldn't think of a single word to say, and I felt tears stinging behind my eyes.
The first five months I had with Kevin were generally blissful ones, filled with loving touches, sweet gazes, and passionate sex. Somewhere in the beginning, when we realized how much we enjoyed being together, we took a break from the bliss to talk about reality for a few minutes. We had both been utterly open with each other from the very beginning, and had probably both assumed that our relationship would be short-lived, if it blossomed at all. Then it did.
"How do you feel about all this?" I had asked him, sitting next to him on the front porch of his house.
"All of what?" he asked, though I am fairly certain he knew and was just delaying the inevitable for a few seconds more.
"Our situation. The fact that I live with Brandon, and love both of you. And want to be with both of you."
Kevin was quiet for a moment. "I think we should enjoy this as long as we can," he said. "The truth is, I know I want to end up with someone who is just mine. Just me and my lady. Maybe that's stupid and and illogical but I think I want that." I sat in silence as he spoke, not wanting to argue with him about feelings he had a right to have. "But my life, right now... we make sense. I work all the time, I can't be a full-time boyfriend anyway. And I adore you." He looked at me. "I want to be with you as long as I can."
It was unsettling to think that our relationship was guaranteed to have an expiration date, but then the thought occurred to me that all relationships do - we just don't tend to define one in advance, and plan for forever instead. Something told me then (and still does) that being with Kevin would be worth it, however long or short our time together was. So we agreed to just keep going, and see what happened.
That was about four months ago. We managed to hold on to those feelings of adoration and commitment up until about a week ago, when something simply broke, the way things do. A stray comment led to hurt feelings, which led to brooding silence, ultimately erupting in frustration and anger. As I looked at Kevin tensely shaking his head and telling me he just didn't want to share me, I realized how terrified I had been of that precise moment - the moment Kevin decided he couldn't do it anymore, and it wasn't worth it. That I wasn't worth it. I started to cry.
We both ended up raising voices and shedding tears, but also ended up clutching each other and professing how much we loved and wanted to be with each other. Tears were dried and forgiveness granted, and we managed to find our way back to the bliss, for now at least.
What I don't think about, but keep buried in the back of my mind, is the knowledge that this first fight is unlikely to be the last. The moment I am terrified of will come, someday. But right now what I feel is the bliss, and I am resolved to keep it as long as I can.
The first five months I had with Kevin were generally blissful ones, filled with loving touches, sweet gazes, and passionate sex. Somewhere in the beginning, when we realized how much we enjoyed being together, we took a break from the bliss to talk about reality for a few minutes. We had both been utterly open with each other from the very beginning, and had probably both assumed that our relationship would be short-lived, if it blossomed at all. Then it did.
"How do you feel about all this?" I had asked him, sitting next to him on the front porch of his house.
"All of what?" he asked, though I am fairly certain he knew and was just delaying the inevitable for a few seconds more.
"Our situation. The fact that I live with Brandon, and love both of you. And want to be with both of you."
Kevin was quiet for a moment. "I think we should enjoy this as long as we can," he said. "The truth is, I know I want to end up with someone who is just mine. Just me and my lady. Maybe that's stupid and and illogical but I think I want that." I sat in silence as he spoke, not wanting to argue with him about feelings he had a right to have. "But my life, right now... we make sense. I work all the time, I can't be a full-time boyfriend anyway. And I adore you." He looked at me. "I want to be with you as long as I can."
It was unsettling to think that our relationship was guaranteed to have an expiration date, but then the thought occurred to me that all relationships do - we just don't tend to define one in advance, and plan for forever instead. Something told me then (and still does) that being with Kevin would be worth it, however long or short our time together was. So we agreed to just keep going, and see what happened.
That was about four months ago. We managed to hold on to those feelings of adoration and commitment up until about a week ago, when something simply broke, the way things do. A stray comment led to hurt feelings, which led to brooding silence, ultimately erupting in frustration and anger. As I looked at Kevin tensely shaking his head and telling me he just didn't want to share me, I realized how terrified I had been of that precise moment - the moment Kevin decided he couldn't do it anymore, and it wasn't worth it. That I wasn't worth it. I started to cry.
We both ended up raising voices and shedding tears, but also ended up clutching each other and professing how much we loved and wanted to be with each other. Tears were dried and forgiveness granted, and we managed to find our way back to the bliss, for now at least.
What I don't think about, but keep buried in the back of my mind, is the knowledge that this first fight is unlikely to be the last. The moment I am terrified of will come, someday. But right now what I feel is the bliss, and I am resolved to keep it as long as I can.