Big Bang 2010: In Becoming Who We Are (7/9)
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Jensen has a reoccurring dream about Jeff. He runs into him somewhere and it's easy, comfortable. There's no awkwardness or tension between them, no real awareness of why they haven't seen each other in years. It's just them. Sometimes they talk, sometimes they kiss, sometimes they just hang out and watch TV. It's happy in a quiet, intimate sort of way, and that's what Jensen remembers most when he wakes up. The happy feeling is what makes him so heartsick afterwards, because it's always only a dream.
It's miserable and grey outside when Jensen wakes up and it's a little chilly in the house. In the dream he was having, he and Jeff were on the couch, tucked under a blanket. Jensen had his head resting against Jeff's shoulder and Jeff was telling him a story. He doesn't remember anything about the story, only the feel of Jeff's hand stroking through his hair and the low rumble of his voice.
If it weren't for the fact that Jensen has to piss like a racehorse, he would bury his head under the covers and try and slip back into the dream. It never works, of course, so it's probably for the best that he has to get up. His head throbs as he sits up and puts on his glasses, but overall he feels much better than he was expecting. He wonders how Jared's faring. At this point, Jensen's a little fuzzy on which one of them drank more.
He already has on a t-shirt and pajama pants because drinking always makes him cold, so he only stops to put on a pair of socks before going downstairs to pee. After a rather valiant effort to brush the sour, stale taste out of his mouth, Jensen pours a glass of water from the Brita. He thinks about it for a moment, pulls down another glass for Jared and grabs the Advil out of the cabinet.
The door of Jared's room is cracked already, so Jensen pushes at it with his foot and it swings open quietly. Jared is on his side, hunched under the covers on the edge of his mattress, his back to the stretch of space that's left empty. Jensen's plan is to leave the water on the night table without waking Jared up. As soon as he steps into the room, though, Jared looks over at him and says, "Hey." His voice is gruff with sleep, but he doesn't sound like he actively wants to die or anything, which is good.
"Didn't mean to wake you." Jensen sets the water and the Advil down next to Jared. "I figured some water couldn't hurt."
"I've been up for awhile," Jared says. "Thanks." He sits up enough to take the Advil and then lies back down. "You going back to bed?"
"I was gonna lay back down, yeah. Probably won't sleep."
"Hmph." Jared reaches behind him and grabs blindly at the blankets until he finds the edge and flips them down. "Join the party."
The first thing Jared did after breakfast the previous morning was wash all of his bedding. Jensen was going to point out that he might want to wait on that until after the night of drinking, but he understood the compulsion. Clean starts and all of that nonsense.
He walks around to the other side of the bed and sets his water and glasses down on the floor near the wall before getting in. Jared's still facing away from him, so Jensen scoots over to tuck himself up against Jared's back, propping his head on one arm and wrapping the other around Jared's waist. The tank top Jared has on is ribbed and Jensen scratches his blunt nails over the ridges until Jared covers Jensen's hand with his own to stop him.
"How are you feeling?" Jensen asks.
"I'll be fine." It's not actually an answer.
Jensen studies the back of Jared's head for awhile, as though he might eventually be able to determine Jared's thoughts that way. "I had a dream about my ex last night."
"The ex you may or may not ever tell me about?" The tone of Jared's voice wavers somewhere between genuinely curious and mildly bitchy.
"That's the one." Jensen takes a deep breath and lets it out. "I didn't want to get into it last night because I don't want to be the guy who makes everything about him. I hate that guy."
"Chad's that guy."
"See?" Jensen asks, and he's rewarded with a soft chuckle.
"I would never mistake you for that guy, Jensen," Jared says after a moment. "I want to hear it if you want to tell me."
The problem isn't that Jensen doesn't want Jared to know so much as he really hates talking about his more brilliant fuck-ups, and the thing with Jeff is right up there at the top of the heap. But the room is still mostly dark, the weak light filtering through the curtains just enough to show that it's morning, and Jared isn't facing him. If there's a time to tell the story, this would be it.
"His name was Jeff. I was a few months out of school when we met. A friend of Misha's. Older, charming, insanely attractive."
"How much older?"
Of course Jared would pick up on that. "Twelve years. Looking back, it was a pretty big gap. I didn't think it mattered at the time. Hell, I don't even know that it really did, aside from how stupid I was."
Jared moves his hand that's still covering Jensen's to lace their fingers together. It makes Jensen smile.
"We started dating and it all went pretty fast. I moved in with him officially after a year, but I'd pretty much been living with him for a while before that. It was-" Jensen closes his eyes. "God, I was crazy about him. From day one I thought he was like the perfect guy. Funny, smart, artistic. Owned his own business. Had a dog that he rescued as a puppy and hand-fed until she was strong enough to eat on her own. I was so completely in love, dove right in without ever stopping to think about it." Jensen's voice goes a little rough on that and he has to stop for a moment. "He just had to look at me and I felt it all over."
"So last night when you said Marc was your second-best sex. This guy was your first?"
"Oh yeah." Jensen laughs. "The sex was fucking incredible. I haven't even come close to that kind of-" He cuts himself off there, figuring that Jared probably doesn't need quite that level of detail. "Anyway, as it turned out, he was still hung up on his ex." Jensen tells Jared about Tom, about the weird sex and the lying and the fight. About walking out and not looking back.
"And after two years together, that was that. I didn't even go back to get my stuff. Misha and Clare took care of all of it for me. I can't imagine how awkward the whole thing was for them." As far as Jensen knows, they're all still friends. The deal he has with Misha is that he doesn't tell Jensen about Jeff and he won't talk to Jeff about Jensen. Jensen knows if he'd wanted to press it, he could have gotten custody of Clare and Misha entirely, but he never wanted to be that guy. "They introduced me to Sophia when her old roommate moved out and here we are."
"So you haven't spoken to him at all since the fight?"
"No. I've almost run into him a few times around town, but I've always managed to get away without him seeing me." Jensen leans forward and presses his forehead against Jared's shoulder. "I sent Misha and Clare to get my stuff because I was afraid that if I went over there again, I would ask him to take me back."
Jared doesn't say anything to that. He's rubbing circles into Jensen's palm and it tickles a little, but Jensen doesn't want to pull his hand away.
"Don't get me wrong, I'm not pining over the guy or anything. But sometimes I wonder if I didn't make a huge mistake walking away like I did, without ever giving him a chance..." Jensen licks his lips and sighs. "Mostly I just feel stupid when I think about it. I was too young and completely idiotic about everything."
"You were my age when you guys broke up," Jared says quietly.
"Trust me, Jay," Jensen says with a laugh. "You are light-years ahead of where I was at twenty-four."
"Maybe," Jared says. "I'm not sure I understand why it makes you feel stupid, though."
Jensen thinks about that and he doesn't know that he has a good answer. "Maybe it's that I trusted him too much. I let myself be completely blindsided. Or that I didn't trust him enough to let him try and make amends. I didn't want to know whether or not he would."
It's quiet for a long time after that, which is fine. Jensen's not sure what else there is to say. The whole thing was messy from beginning to end and Jensen's only ever been able to blame himself for that. He thinks it might have been a whole lot easier if he could have hated Jeff.
"I don't think leaving was a mistake," Jared says suddenly, breaking the silence. "You know you're an incredible person, right? You deserve better than that."
"Of course." Jensen chuckles. "I'm awesome."
"I'm serious." Jared sounds disapproving. "I mean, I know you know you're attractive and that's fine. You're not really an asshole about it, but sometimes you act like that's all you bring to a relationship. And, no offense, dude, but compared to everything else, it's kind of the least significant thing about you." He makes a frustrated noise. "I just-I think it's shit that I honestly can't tell whether or not you know that."
Jensen has absolutely no idea how to respond. Leave it to Jared to wait until he's laid himself bare and then go in for that kind of sucker-punch. "I don't really trust a lot of people," he finally says.
"I know."
"You're the best friend I've ever had. No one else even comes close." Jensen doesn't say, Other people don't see me like you do. It's true, but he's not sure Jared would like it. Instead, he leans forward and presses a dry kiss against the bare part of Jared's shoulder. "I hope you know how much that means to me. I'm not sure what I'd do without you."
"Yeah, well." Jared laughs and never manages to finish that sentence.
After three straight weeks of rain, Saturday morning dawns surprisingly pretty. Just when Jensen was convinced that they'd skipped fall completely and moved straight on to winter. He's not sure how many more pretty day's they'll get this year and he's tempted to go take pictures around the neighborhood while he has the chance.
Little by little, Jensen's been getting into photography again. Near the end of the summer he and Jared cleaned out the basement so that they could put the pool table they got off of Craigslist down there and Jared found Jensen's portfolio from college. He made such a big deal about how good the photos were, and why didn't Jensen do it anymore, so Jensen dug out his camera just to shut him up. But once he started, he remembered how much he loved it. How he could frame a shot to make the world look more beautiful than it really is. How if he did that often enough, the world started to appear that beautiful all the time. A shift in perspective.
Jared is on the couch eating toaster waffles and watching cartoons when Jensen comes downstairs. Jensen goes into the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee before joining him. "Do you have plans today?" he asks as he sits down.
"Hmm mmm." Jared shakes his head as he chews, his cheeks bulging like he's a particularly greedy hamster.
Jensen rolls his eyes. "I was thinking of going out and taking some pictures. You want to come with?"
"Sure," Jared says after swallowing his mouthful. "Hey, so I had this dream that I was being chased by zebra zombies. Zombie zebras? They kept trying to bite me. What do you think that means?"
"That you have an intense, deep-rooted fear of alliteration?"
"Damn, baby. You know I love it when you go all word geek on me." Jared laughs, slaps Jensen's thigh and stands up to take his dishes into the kitchen, leaving Jensen to drink his coffee and watch Kim Possible in peace.
They end up taking a nice, leisurely stroll around Green Lake. There are a bunch of people there, despite the early hour. Joggers and walkers, people with their dogs and their kids, everyone out enjoying the sunshine while it lasts. Jensen takes a bunch of shots of the trees and the lake, some kids playing Frisbee. He also takes a bunch of pictures of Jared when he isn't paying attention. Jensen has discovered that Jared is incredibly photogenic, but if he knows Jensen's taking the picture, he'll give him a crazy Cheshire cat grin or his Zoolander impression.
At any given time, there are as many pictures of Jared looking like an idiot on Jensen's camera as there are ones where he looks completely gorgeous. It's a toss-up as to which ones Jensen actually likes better. Though, the one Jensen just took might end up being his favorite, he thinks as he looks at it on the tiny camera screen. Jared was turning toward him to point something out, a smile on his face that he didn't have the chance to distort before Jensen took the shot.
"Watch out. Runaway mutt," Jared says.
Jensen looks up from his camera and feels a sudden, sick thrill when he spots the dog running towards them, barking happily. "Shit."
She stops in front of him and dances around like she's not quite sure what to do with this much excitement except turn in circles and wag her tail.
"Hey there, Bisou." Jensen squats down to pet her and she flops down on his feet, giving him access to her belly. "Long time no see." It's a little insane how much affection he still feels for the mutt. They spent a lot of time together and he actively missed her for a long while after he and Jeff broke up.
"Jensen," Jared says in a mock serious tone. "You know this dog?"
"Yeah." Jensen looks up to see someone walking quickly towards them. "This is Jeff's dog."
"Jeff?" Jared looks up and then back down at Jensen. "Like Jeff Jeff?"
"Yeah." Jensen continues to scratch her tummy as the guy who is definitely not Jeff approaches them.
"Bisou!" he says in a sharp tone. She ignores him completely. "I'm sorry, I have no idea what's gotten into her. She never does this." The guy is beautiful. There's no other word for it. Dark hair, chiseled jaw, pretty grey-blue eyes and an incredible mouth. Jensen kind of wants to hate him but his smile is open and friendly and completely disarming.
"Don't worry about it," Jared says. "She's a sweet dog."
"Thanks, she's-" He's cut off by a sharp whistle.
Bisou looks up at that and seems torn on whether to obey or continue to get pats from Jensen. Jensen thumps her side affectionately and she stays where she is.
Jeff finally reaches them, saying Bisou's name. "What is the matter with you? I..." He trails off when Jensen looks up. "Jensen?"
"Think she just wanted to say hi," Jensen says as he stands up again. He can feel his pulse pounding in his throat as Jeff looks at him. There's a long enough pause there for it to be noticeably awkward, so Jensen clears his throat and sticks out his hand. "Hey, Jeff. Good to see you again."
For a moment, it seems like Jeff is going to ignore him completely. He looks down at Jensen's hand with a surprisingly bitter smile before he laughs softly and takes it. "Yeah. Yeah, it's been awhile."
"It has." Jensen lets his hand fall to his side as he steps back. He wants to rub it against his jeans to get rid of the immediate sense memory of Jeff's touch, or fiddle with his camera where it's still hanging around his neck. He does neither, his gaze flicking over to the other man, who has lost his easy-going smile.
"Uh, sorry. Jensen, this is Tom. Tom, Jensen." Jeff looks as nonplussed giving that introduction as Jensen feels receiving it, but he shakes Tom's hand with a nod and a quick smile. It doesn't really surprise Jensen that Jeff is still with Tom and he's not sure whether it's better or worse than it would be if it were some new guy instead.
When he steps back, he's surprised to find Jared right next to him and he realizes he has his own introductions to make. "This is Jared." He doesn't elaborate, half-hoping Jeff and Tom will jump to the wrong conclusion about who he is to Jensen.
Jared steps forward to shake their hands with a full-on sunshine, dimpled smile, like he is completely oblivious to the tension in everyone else. He isn't, of course, but Jensen sort of loves him for the act. When he returns to Jensen's side, he throws his arm across Jensen's back, his hand resting casually on Jensen's hip and Jensen has to bite back a smile.
"I was just telling Tom what a sweet dog you have." Jared tucks two fingers through Jensen's belt loop and slips his thumb under the hem of his shirt, just letting it rest there on Jensen's bare skin.
"Yeah." Jeff looks down at the leash he's holding, but Jensen doesn't miss the fact that his gaze hits where Jared's hand is resting first. "She's a good girl."
"It must be nice to have a dog like that to walk on such a pretty day," Jared says, laying it on ridiculously thick and Jensen laughs. He's pretty sure he's never loved Jared more than he does at this moment.
"It's not days like today that I'm worried about. It's when you're holed up in your office for weeks at a time, muttering about the incompetence of undergrads." Jensen looks up at Jared out of the corner of his eyes. "When you finish school we can talk about it."
"Well, we should probably get going," Tom says.
"Sure." Jeff bends over to hook Bisou's leash on. When he straightens back up, he gives Jensen a warm, considering look that still gives Jensen a rush, despite himself. "Let's get dinner tonight."
"Uh." Jensen blinks in surprise.
"The four of us," Jeff clarifies, with a quick glance at Tom.
For a moment, Jensen thinks that Tom is going to object, call this out for the insane and horrible idea that it is. But Tom only smiles tightly and says, "Sounds like fun."
"Um." Jensen rubs the back of his neck and looks up at Jared.
Jared's expression is inscrutable and Jensen couldn't even begin to guess what he's thinking right now. He squeezes Jensen's hip for a moment and grins. "I don't think we have anything going." Easy and friendly and completely unexpected.
"Great!" Jeff smiles and rubs his hands together, leaving Jensen no choice but to smile and nod.
They make plans to meet up at the Japanese place on Fremont and 36th. Jeff and Jensen exchange cell phone numbers in case plans change. Jensen, of course, still has Jeff's number memorized, but he doesn't have it programmed into his phone and he pretends not to remember it.
As they turn to walk away, Jared drops his arm from around Jensen's waist, reaching over to lace their fingers together instead. They're halfway home when Jensen finally blows out a big breath and says, "So, you're gonna have to explain to me what happened back there, because I'm having some trouble processing."
"We ran into your ex and tonight we're going to have dinner with him and his vapid model boyfriend." Jared squeezes Jensen's hand as Jensen snorts. "I figure, maybe this is your chance to resolve things. Get some closure."
Of course Jared would think that. And then afterward they can frolic with puppies and dance under sparkly rainbows. Jensen's not sure whether he's amused or annoyed. "Closure isn't real. It's a stupid trope they use in sitcoms and cheesy romances."
"Maybe." Jared is looking down at the sidewalk and Jensen laughs when he realizes that he's avoiding all the cracks. Jared glances at him with a grin and shrugs. "I still think it might be good for you. But if you want to bail, I can totally come down with a bad case of food poisoning or something."
"I don't know." Jensen thinks about how weird it is to see Jeff again after all this time. He still feels jittery from it, excitement or nerves, maybe a little bit of both. Jeff looked good, more grey in his beard and a few more laugh lines around his eyes, but still fundamentally him in a way that makes Jensen a little sad. Jared might be right, it could be good for Jensen to talk to Jeff again from an adult perspective. "And you would, what? Go along as my pretend boyfriend?"
Jared smiles mischievously. "He noticed."
"Seems a little petty," Jensen points out, but he's smiling too. "I don't know that I feel comfortable asking you to do that, dude."
"Well, you didn't really. I just did it." Jared glances at him. "Should I apologize for that?"
"Naw. I never said I was above being a little petty." He scrubs his hand through his hair. "You really don't mind?"
"What are friends for?" Jared asks.
"I'm pretty sure it's not this."
Jared laughs and kisses the side of Jensen's head as they walk. It isn't until they get to the house and Jared lets go of him to dig out his key that Jensen realizes they were holding hands the entire way home.
The weather remains favorable, so Jared and Jensen walk to the restaurant, holding hands again, because if they're going to play boyfriends all night, they might as well. At least, that's what Jensen assumes is going on. Jared is in a good enough mood, but it's hard for Jensen to get a read on what he's thinking, which is unusual and a little bit disconcerting.
Jeff and Tom are standing outside the restaurant waiting for them and Tom doesn't appear to be the happiest camper in the world to be there. Once again, Jensen wonders why he didn't just object when Jeff suggested the outing. But, considering how Jeff and Tom got back together, Jensen's not surprised that Tom didn't let Jeff come out alone. And Jensen remembers how stubborn Jeff can be. If he decided he was coming to dinner tonight, there wasn't a damn thing Tom would be able to say to stop him.
It's as uncomfortable and weird as it was that morning and Jensen makes a genuine effort to engage Tom in conversation. Tom tells him that he's a cabinet maker and that's how he and Jeff met-Tom was apprenticing with the guy who did Jeff's cabinets when he remodeled his kitchen. Jensen thinks about the time that he lived in that house, taking out and putting dishes away, sitting on the counter while Jeff cooked, all that time not knowing that Jeff's ex had helped build those stupid cabinets. He stops trying to talk to Tom after that.
Jared is the only thing that saves Jensen from wanting the world to swallow him whole. He's completely on, telling stories and jokes, being his usual, aggressively friendly self and crushing any lulls in the conversation like Godzilla destroying Tokyo.
"So, the dude starts talking about my momma." Jared pauses to take another sip of his sake and Jensen takes the opportunity to interrupt.
"That guy did not say jack shit about your momma and you know it."
"Okay, maybe he didn't." Jared grins. "I actually don't remember what started it."
"Your smartass mouth is what started it," Jensen says fondly.
"Fine. Apparently the guy took offense at something I said." Jared winks at Jensen and waves his hand. "It's a moot point. He was looking to start some shit and Jensen stepped in to defend my honor."
Jensen laughs. "Nothing quite so noble. The guy went in to sucker punch you and I stopped him."
"With your fist."
"With my fist," Jensen admits. "Words weren't going to cut it. The guy was clearly beyond that if he was trying to pick a fight with you in the first place. You had like three feet on him."
"And he had two other friends with him," Jared says to Tom and Jeff. "Things got a little out of hand after that." Jared is leaning back in his chair, his arm resting on the back of Jensen's, his fingers curved around the back of Jensen's neck. "We held our own, though. I think Jensen only came out of it with a split lip. I remember thinking, how did I get lucky enough to go out with a guy who knew how to fight in a down and dirty bar brawl like that? It was pretty glorious." He rubs his thumb over the short hairs on Jensen's neck and Jensen turns to look at him.
"You never told me that."
"That I think you brawl like a champ? I didn't want you to make a habit out of it or anything, but yeah. It was pretty hot." Jared holds Jensen's gaze for a long moment, his tongue darting out to wet his lips. "Best first date ever."
"Man, I'm not sure what that says about you." When Jensen looks back at Jeff, he finds him smiling at the story, but he's watching Jensen with dark eyes, like he's not sure how to reconcile Jared's Jensen with the one he knew.
We're not the same people, Jensen thinks, and he's startled to realize that it's actually true. More than just being older now, he's a completely different person when he's with Jared than he was with Jeff. It's an unsettling realization that Jensen's a little too tipsy at this point to sort out. Sake might have been a bad idea.
Jeff grabs the bill when it comes and pays the entire thing over Jensen's protests. He looks up at Jensen as he's signing the receipt and says, "Night's still young. Should we go get some drinks?"
"Haven't we been drinking already?" Jensen asks, but he already knows he's going to say yes.
"I think I'm going to bow out now," Tom says as they step outside. "I have stuff I need to do tomorrow." Jeff nods, but doesn't make any indication that Tom's plans have any bearing on his own. "It was nice to meet you guys." The thin line of Tom's lips and the terse nod he gives them belie the statement, but Jensen smiles in return because there's not much else to do.
As Jeff is saying goodbye to Tom, Jared looks at Jensen and whispers, "Do you want me to go?" His expression makes Jensen think that the right answer is no, but he's not sure what he wants now that Tom is gone. Jeff turns back to them before Jensen has a chance to decide one way or the other.
They walk down the street together, Jared on one side of him and Jeff on the other. It's colder now that the sun is gone and Jensen wishes he'd gone with his leather coat over his jean jacket. He's shivering by the time they get to the bar Jeff has chosen, not noticeably, but enough that he'll be glad to get inside again.
"This okay?" Jeff asks as they stop and Jensen nods, turning to Jared.
"You know," Jared says, fidgeting with the zipper of his jacket. "I think maybe I'm gonna head home too." He looks at Jensen like he's waiting for him to make the final decision, and Jensen could easily cajole him into staying. He nods instead and Jared's expression falls. "Yeah, I'm pretty tired. But, uh, call me if you need a ride later? I'll come get you."
"I'll make sure he gets home okay," Jeff says.
A surprising flash of very obvious irritation crosses Jared's face as he looks over at Jeff and Jensen steps forward, placing a hand on Jared's waist before he can say anything. "I'll call or text you if I need anything. I promise."
Jared nods and shoots another sullen look in Jeff's direction. "Okay, well." He hesitates for a moment, then reaches up and wraps his hand around the back of Jensen's neck, tilting his face up for a kiss.
Jensen is expecting something soft and sweet, a pretty goodbye from his attentive boyfriend. Jared's thinking something completely different, as it turns out. He starts out with a slow, wet kiss, tilting his head and licking at Jensen's lips until Jensen opens for him and then he takes possession. There's no other word for the way Jared holds him in place, the slant of his mouth and the slick, aggressive slide of his tongue. He's very obviously staking a claim and Jensen doesn't think to do anything but let him, desire shooting through him, white-hot and insistent. Jared only pulls away when Jensen clutches at his back, trying to bring them closer together.
When Jensen opens his eyes, Jared is looking past him to Jeff. "It was nice meeting you." There's no trace of Jared's earlier puppyish friendliness in his voice. He looks back at Jensen, his hand still resting hot and heavy against Jensen's neck, and brushes another kiss against Jensen's lips before whispering, "I'll see you at home."
"Okay." Jensen nods and Jared takes a step back, gives them a half-assed wave before turning and walking down the street in the direction of their house. Jensen watches him until he turns the corner.
"Either I was being warned off, or you were being reminded of what you have waiting for you." Jeff sounds amused.
"I guess." Jensen rubs his hand over his chin, completely confused as to what exactly that was. He looks back at Jeff and can't keep from adding, "I'd like to think I don't need the reminder."
Jeff nods and looks down, a wry smile twisting his lips. "Fair enough." He turns to the bar and opens the door, motioning for Jensen to go in before him. Jensen still feels hot, flushed all over and he regrets the loss of the cool night air as he walks inside.
They find an empty table in the corner and order a pitcher of beer. Jensen has no idea what he is or isn't supposed to drink after sake, but he guesses he'll find out.
"It's really good to see you, Jensen," Jeff says after the waitress leaves. "You look good. You look-"
"Grown up?"
"I was going to say happy." Jeff smiles. "But, yeah, that too. And here I didn't think it was possible for you to get any more attractive."
"I just keep defying those odds." Jensen takes a long drink of his beer and doesn't look at Jeff until he's set his glass back down. "So what are we doing here, Jeff? Besides subjecting everyone to their quota of awkward for the next ten years, that is."
"I don't know. Would you believe I just wanted to see you?" Jeff leans forward, resting his elbows on the table and rubs his hand over his beard. "I hated the way things ended between us. I never wanted that. I never-" He laughs and looks down at the table. "You're the one who got away, kid."
"Fucking asshole," Jensen says mildly. His stomach clenches as he studies Jeff's face. "I didn't get away. You let me walk without doing a Goddamn thing to stop it."
"I know."
"It wouldn't have taken much."
"I know that, too," Jeff admits quietly. "But every time I picked up the phone, I would see that look on your face and I'd think, I don't deserve your forgiveness."
"Yeah, well." Jensen rubs a hand over his mouth and shrugs. "Maybe I deserved to be asked."
Jeff lets out a breath and studies him. "I'm not gonna deny I fucked up with you, Jensen. I did. Big time and I'm always going to regret it. For what it's worth, I'm sorry."
That's not quite the apology Jensen wanted, years too late to matter anyway, but he supposes it's better than nothing. He pours another beer for himself and smiles. "It wasn't entirely your fault. I'm not sure anyone could have lived up to the expectations I had at the time. I wanted you to have all the answers." He shrugs. "I was a dumb kid. I know now how unfair that was."
"Cynicism doesn't suit you," Jeff says quietly. "Though, you're right about one thing, I was never anywhere close to having the answers. I'm not sure if I get less idiotic or more as I get older."
Jensen cracks a genuine smile at that and Jeff nods.
"You want my one piece of advanced-years wisdom? Here it is." Jeff takes a drink before looking back at Jensen. "People don't change as they get older. We only become more and more who we already were. All you can do is try to be the best possible version of that person." He pauses, fiddling with the ring on his thumb. "You brought out the best in me for the most part, but after seeing you with Jared, I'm not so sure I ever did that for you."
"I'm not sure I follow," Jensen says, surprised. He was good with Jeff, they were good together. Weren't they?
"Jensen." Jeff chuckles. "You're a completely different person around him. You're more confident, relaxed. I realize it's been a few years, but you weren't like that with me. Even now you're more guarded than you were at dinner."
It's no more than what Jensen was thinking earlier, but it's weird to hear from someone else. "Jared puts up with a lot of crap from me. I don't know why he does it, to be honest."
"Because he's ass over heels in love with you, maybe?" Jeff raises an eyebrow at Jensen's startled look. "Was I not supposed to know that?"
"I don't-" Jensen shakes his head. "You can't just know that."
"I couldn't not know that. Possessive displays aside," Jeff says seriously. "It's pretty obvious the way he watches you. Like the fact that you're right there in front of him is too good to be true. Smart kid."
"It's-" Jensen stops, because he can't say it's not like that. Jeff is supposed to think it is like that, so maybe Jared's just a great actor. Then Jensen thinks about the way Jared kissed him goodbye and sighs. "Jared is easy to be with," he says honestly. "Just slipped right under my skin when I wasn't looking and set up residence. Whether or not he's in love…" He shrugs.
Jeff studies Jensen for a long moment and frowns. "You really don't see it?"
By the time the bar closes, Jensen has officially lost track of how many pitchers they've split between them. He knows they're both well past drunk, stumbling and giggling like little kids as Jeff walks him home. Jensen is wearing Jeff's jacket and, while it's still big on him, it's not so large as it once was.
"I want you to know," Jeff says as they turn onto Jensen's block. "Tom and I didn't start dating again until a couple years ago. After you left, I didn't. It wasn't like that."
"Yeah?" Jensen asks and Jeff nods. "That's. Yeah, that's good to know."
Jeff walks him up to the door and instead of going inside, Jensen turns and leans against it. It's like a crazy satire of their first date as Jeff props his hand next to Jensen's head. "Thank you. For coming out tonight." Jeff isn't touching him, but he's close enough that Jensen can feel the heat from his body.
"Yeah." Jensen nods once and stops because it makes the world tilt unpleasantly. "Yeah, it was good. This was good."
"I really did love you, Jensen. I don't want you to think I didn't." Jeff sways a little closer and laughs. "I'm such an asshole." With that, he closes the distance between them and kisses Jensen, wet and dirty and it's exactly like it always was with them. Hot, electric, needy want that Jensen has no hope of not responding to.
So he lets it happen, lets himself get swept up in it, the familiar scratch of Jeff's beard against his skin and the way he clutches at Jensen's waist with one hand like Jensen's trying to get away. But the memory of Jared's kiss pops into his head and he manages to get a hand between them, gently pressing against Jeff's chest until he moves back.
"Wow." Jeff takes a deep, ragged breath and looks away. "So that's still there."
"Yeah." Jensen has to laugh at that. "Yeah, Jeff. That was never our problem."
"It was good with us, wasn't it?" Jeff asks with a dirty smile. He looks like he wants to lean in again, but Jensen's hand is still there, holding him off as he nods. "Is it that good with Jared?"
"Jesus!" Jensen laughs again and shakes his head. "Were you always this big of a jackass?"
"You used to find it charming."
"Things change." Jensen pushes him a little more, raising his eyebrows. "What? Were you planning to fuck me right here on the porch?" Jeff takes a step back and Jensen lets his hand drop. "It was good with us. It was really fucking good." He pauses long enough for that to sink in before saying, "With Jared, it's better." Jensen's startled to realize that it's not even a lie.
"Fair enough." Jeff shoves his hands in his pockets and smiles.
"Which is why I'm going to go inside now and, if he's still awake, let him know that he has nothing to worry about." Jensen shrugs out of Jeff's coat and hands it back over to him. "I suggest you go home to Tom and tell him all the things you never managed to say to me."
"Beg if I have to?"
"It wouldn't hurt."
"It's not the same, you know." Jeff pulls his coat on and zips it up.
"It's not," Jensen agrees. "Tom knows exactly who you're with right now."
"Shit." Jeff runs his hands through his hair and frowns. "I have no idea what I was thinking."
"That you could have your cake and eat it too?" Jensen feels a flare of old hurt and almost presses that, but he decides to let Jeff off the hook. "We're both drunk and you were remembering that we had good chemistry. No harm, no foul. Just go home and let him know that he was always your first choice." Jeff looks surprised at that, but he doesn't bother denying it. "He always was, wasn't he?"
Jeff ducks his head and looks up at Jensen, a sad smile curving his lips. Says, "Goodnight, Jensen," instead of giving him an answer.
"Goodbye, Jeff," Jensen says.
"Goodbye. Yeah." Jeff nods in acknowledgment before turning around and walking away.
As soon as he's out of sight, Jensen thumps his head against the door and winces. It would have been so easy to get carried away with Jeff, to let the fact that Jeff still wants him soothe all the still-bruised parts of his ego and maybe he even would have six months ago. But Jensen can honestly say he doesn't want that anymore and he's pretty sure the reason for that is inside the house. Jensen is drunk and he should probably go straight to bed, but he's really hoping that Jared is still up.
The lights are all out and Jared is on the couch watching TV, slouched against the corner, a bored look on his face.
"Hey." Jared doesn't look away from the screen as Jensen sits down beside him. Adult Swim is on, though Jensen doesn't recognize the show. "How'd it go?"
"Good. Really good."
"Yeah?" Jared smirks. "Like, he's going home to break up with Tom good? Or just you guys making out on the porch good?"
"Caught that, huh?" Jensen looks away from Jared's profile to the TV and back again. Jared gaze is still focused on the screen. "Good like you were right about the closure thing good. I mean." Jensen swallows and realizes he's far too drunk for this conversation, but he plows on ahead anyway. "It's never gonna be wrapped up in a tidy bow. The thing with Jeff, it'll always be a little messy. But it's not fucking with my head anymore, I don't think. It's just. Over." He pinches his nose, resisting the urge to rub his eyes. "I think it has been for awhile. I just missed it."
"That's good, I guess."
"Jared, come on, man. You're not making this easy." Jensen grabs Jared's wrist where his hand is splayed on the cushion, but he doesn't pull. He only curls his fingers until he can feel Jared's pulse beating under the soft skin.
"No?" Jared does look at him then, but with the only light coming from the TV, half is face is cast in shadow and Jensen can't decipher his expression. "What am I supposed to be making easy on you? Seriously, what is it that you want from me?"
Instead of answering, Jensen turns, scooting closer to Jared until his knee is pressed against Jared's thigh and leans in. As soon as his lips press against Jared's, Jared jerks back, shoving Jensen's shoulder and knocking him off balance. "What the hell, Jensen?"
Jensen feels the question like a slap, his face heating with embarrassment as he tries to figure out what just happened. "I thought- Earlier, when you left, I thought." He can't manage to finish the sentence, can't bring himself to say what's been lurking in the back of his mind all night. You kissed me like it meant something. Jensen's not exactly inexperienced. How could he have misread that so completely?
Jared scrubs his hand over his face. "You're really drunk and you spent the entire night with the guy you've been broken up over for four years. You should probably go to bed now, man. Sleep it off." He's back to not looking at Jensen, his voice flat and irritated.
"Yeah, I." Jensen stands shakily and tries to smile. "Okay." His stomach is tied up in knots and he feels like complete and utter shit. Of all the ways he saw the night going wrong, this was not one of them.
"Take your fucking contacts out," Jared says as Jensen starts to walk toward the stairs.
For a moment he considers walking back to the bathroom, but dismisses it. "I'll throw them away." They're a new pair, but he has more and taking them out properly seems an insurmountable task at the moment. "Sorry about-" He waves his hand and starts up the stairs. "Night, Jared." Whether or not Jared heard him, he doesn't answer.
Once he gets up to his room, Jensen peels his contacts out and flicks them in the trashcan. His glasses are still downstairs, but it's not a big deal. He changes into pajamas and crawls into bed and tries not to think about the fact that he just made a gigantic ass out of himself in front of his best friend. Which, granted, isn't the first time that's happened, but it's generally not so personal. Jensen feels monumentally stupid and he has no idea how to fix it, how mad Jared is at him or exactly how much worse he'll feel in the morning when he remembers all of it.
Jared comes upstairs about half an hour later. He pauses halfway down the hall and Jensen feels his pulse speed up, wondering if Jared will go the rest of the way to check to see if he's still awake, but he doesn't. He goes into his room and shuts the door with a definitive click.
It's almost dawn when Jensen finally falls asleep. He's sobering up already and he knows that he's going to have the world's worst hangover in a few hours, but he keeps going over everything that happened with Jared and coming to the same conclusion: Jensen likes Jared as more than a friend.
Jensen wakes up around eleven o'clock, which is way too early considering the previous night. He fumbles around on his nightstand before he remembers that he doesn't have his glasses with him. There isn't a part of him that doesn't ache and Jensen thinks he remembers this from the last time he had sake. Sake, beer, the rest of the night plays out in Jensen's head as he lays there and sincerely wishes he could simply die and be done with it.
He doesn't die and he can't fall back asleep. What he needs is water and a handful of Advil, so he manages to get himself upright somehow, only stubbing his toe three times before he makes it downstairs. The TV is on, but Jensen doesn't have his eyes open any more than what it takes to navigate his way safely into the bathroom. Once there, he takes his time. Peeing, washing his face, brushing his teeth and managing not to vomit at any point in the process.
When he's done with that, he slides his glasses on and is rewarded with the fact that he looks nearly as awful as he feels. He grunts at his reflection and thinks once again how death might be a preferable alternative to this.
The kitchen smells like eggs and coffee and it's a horrible combination, making Jensen's stomach lurch. He gets some water and the bottle of Advil and stumbles back out into the living room.
"Hey," Jared says quietly. "How are you feeling?" He sounds sympathetic, which is the opposite of what Jensen was expecting.
"Too shitty to come up with something clever to express how truly shitty I feel." Jensen pops two Advil into his mouth, thinks about it for a moment and takes two more. He takes a sip of water and concentrates on breathing for awhile, watching the TV screen without really processing anything that's showing.
Jensen isn't sure how long they sit there, but eventually he starts to feel human enough to get up and get himself some coffee. He brings it out into the living room and sits back down, wrapping his fingers around the mug to let the heat soak into them. He spent most of the night awake, thinking about what he wanted to say to Jared. That, or he dreamt about thinking about what he wanted to say. Either way, it's been on his mind and he still hasn't come up with the perfect thing, but he doesn't want to let this go too long. He doesn't think he was imagining the way Jared kissed him.
"So, uh." Jensen clears his throat and looks at Jared out the corner of his eye. "About last night." Off to a fantastic start.
Jared visibly tenses and when he turns to Jensen, he looks tired, a stiff, obviously fake smile on his face. "We don't really have to talk about it, do we? I mean, we all had a lot to drink and it was a weird night all the way around and." He waves his hand. "Can we just do a blanket apology and forget about it?"
"Oh. Um." Jensen turns to face Jared directly, trying to work out what's being apologized for on Jared's end of things. "I'm not sure. The thing is." He takes a deep breath. "I wanted to talk to you about-"
"Please," Jared cuts him off. His voice is strained and his gaze is focused on the hangnail on his thumb. "I'm asking you as your friend. Please don't push this. Don't-Don't make this harder than it has to be. It doesn't have to be weird if we can just. Not."
"Yeah. Okay. If that's what you want." Jensen's chest aches with the need to say, Just give me a chance, but he doesn't. "I'm sorry. That's, yeah. That's fine."
"Thanks." Jared glances at him a small, but real smile on his face. More than anything he seems relieved and Jensen has to look away.
"Sure." Jensen takes a big sip of coffee, swallowing the hot liquid past the lump in his throat. He thinks this might actually feel worse than Jeff lying to him. Jared never wanted him at all, doesn't even want to deal with Jensen's stupid crush. All of the comments their friends have made, the crap Jeff was saying last night about how Jared watched him, it was all bullshit. Just when Jensen thinks he's reached the threshold of his mortification, he finds it goes a level deeper.
"Do you want to watch a movie or something?" Jared asks.
It's a peace offering. One Jensen should take but he doesn't think he can sit here for two hours and pretend like he doesn't currently feel the strong desire to commit seppuku. "I think I'm gonna go for a jog."
"Really?" Jared raises his eyebrows in disbelief. Probably because that's the single dumbest thing Jensen could have possibly come up with as an excuse, as hungover as he is.
"Yeah. I think the fresh air will help." Jensen's commits to it because the alternative is admitting that he desperately needs to get away from Jared right now and that in and of itself is too shitty to deal with. Jared is who Jensen wants to be around when he doesn't want to be around anyone.
Jared looks like he wants to say something more, but he nods instead and says, "Have fun with that."
Despite how bloodshot his eyes are, Jensen forces in a new pair of contacts and goes upstairs to change into running clothes. He grabs his phone off his nightstand and shoves it in his pocket before heading downstairs.
"Be back in awhile," he says on his way out the door. It shuts on Jared's answer.
Jensen walks to Green Lake, hoping that the air might actually help. It's damp and overcast outside and there are only a few dedicated runners on the trail once Jensen gets there. He starts out at an easy pace and makes it about a quarter of the way around before veering off the trail to puke in the brush. After he's done, he walks down far enough that he can't smell it and sits in the grass, ignoring the wetness that immediately seeps through his pants and boxers. It's just that kind of morning.
His head is throbbing and his stomach still feels iffy as Jensen pulls out his phone and thumbs through the contacts. He dismisses Misha, Clare and Sophia as possibilities because they're too close and he doesn't think he can handle them right now. So he presses speed-dial four and hopes for an answer.
"Not that I'm not happy to hear from you, but it's Sunday morning. Shouldn't you be hungover right now?"
"Oh, I'm very much that, Tinkerbell." Jensen laughs roughly. "Rest assured. I am hungover and I pretty much fucked up my entire personal life last night. I need counsel."
"Okay, hold on." There's a muffled noise and he can hear Kristen talking to someone, though he can't make out what she's saying. "Alright, I'm back. Now walk me through it, Boo. What happened?"
"I'm sorry. I guess I should have asked if you were free first," Jensen says sincerely. He's talked to Kristen since she's left, of course, but it's not all that often and now he feels like a crap friend on top of everything else.
"Jensen." Kristen sounds tolerantly amused, because she's used to his bullshit. "Spill."
So Jensen tells her everything, starting with Bisou in the park and ending with the puking, which he probably could have left out, but he feels like it speaks to how completely pathetic he is.
"Wow," Kristen says when he finally quits talking. "So, you've been busy. You don't do anything by half-measures ever, do you?"
"Thanks," Jensen says, but his smile is genuine.
"Okay, so really it's the Jared thing, right?"
"Yeah."
She sighs and makes a hesitant little noise before talking again. "I know you might not want to hear this right now, but do you think it's possible that this thing with Jared is just- Okay. You've been gun-shy for awhile with the dating thing and you finally get closure or whatever with Jeff, only to realize that you're in love with Jared. All in a twelve hour time span. Is it possible that what you're feeling for him is based on the fact that he's safe?"
"How do you mean safe?"
"He's a guy you already have a strong emotional connection with. He's been a good friend to you and with all the other turmoil, he's been a constant. So maybe you just sort of latched onto him because he's there and you know he already loves you." She pauses while Jensen digests that, then says, "I'm not saying I never noticed anything between you guys. I'm just saying it might feel like more than it actually is right now because of everything else."
"Maybe." Jensen considers that. He can concede that he's not necessarily in the greatest frame of mind to think about it logically. "I don't know. Say it is that. What do I do about it?"
"Honestly, I think you should start actually dating again. You're a good guy, there are other good guys out there. You just have to be willing to give them half a chance." Kristen laughs her little laugh. "I love you to death and back you know. I want you to be happy."
Jensen picks at the grass between his legs and frowns. "Easier said than done, Tink."
"It's a whole lot harder if you don't even try, Jensen." Kristen's tone is serious. "I know you're feeling kind of fucked up right now. You're slamming yourself around like an emotional pinball after being shut down for years. Find your equilibrium and then try easing yourself back into it."
"Yeah. I'll think about it. Thanks," he says sincerely.
"Things will go back to normal with Jared, I promise. He's not the type to hold a grudge and he does love you, everything else aside."
"Yeah." Jensen pinches the bridge of his nose and swallows hard, his vision blurring. "I know that. I do."
"You gonna be okay?" she asks softly.
"You know me." He forces out a chuckle. "Emotional meltdown every few years and I'm right as rain."
"Call me whenever, Jensen. You know I'm here."
"Thanks, Kristen. I'll let you get back to it."
Kristen makes him promise to call her in a couple weeks with an update before she hangs up and Jensen does feel better. He gets up and brushes off his pants and heads back home.
Halfway there it starts to rain.
"Yeah, yeah, fuck me," Jensen mutters to himself. "I already got that memo, thanks."
Kristen is nothing if not a smart cookie and things get back to normal, more or less. Jensen acts like nothing is wrong and Jared relaxes. They hang out, watch TV, play video games and go to the gym together, but they're more careful in the way they touch. Jensen gets it, how Jared might feel uncomfortable with their previous casual intimacy, but every aborted gesture makes Jensen feel self-conscious and itchy. He's been relegated to pats on the shoulder and half-assed roughhousing when he was used to hugs and cuddling and stupid sloppy kisses. It makes Jensen feel isolated, bizarrely self-contained, which isn't unmanageable. It's just sort of depressing.
He's also spent a lot of time thinking about what Jeff said, about being the best version of himself. As something to aspire to, it's not a bad goal. The problem is, Jensen can't quite figure out what that guy would be like. There's the distinct possibility that guy looks a lot like the one who is Jared's friend, if Jensen could just get back to that place. But, smart as Kristen is, Jensen thinks she was wrong about Jared being safe.
Now that Jensen's aware of it, he's aware of it all the time. He notices the way Jared smiles and how he always smiles automatically in return. The way he moves, the way he laughs, the fact that Jensen's external hard drive currently holds about three hundred pictures of Jared taken over the past three months. Jensen likes to think that he's pretty self-aware, but he not only missed this Jared thing, he was actively suppressing it.
"So, I, uh. I think I might be in love with Jared. A little." He and Clare are at Value Village looking for ideas for Halloween costumes and he continues to flip through the rack of suites as he waits for Clare's response.
"I enjoy sex."
He looks over at her, startled. She flips through a few more dresses before looking up at him. "I'm sorry, I thought we were making obvious statements."
"Okay, good chat. Thanks." He turns to go look at a different rack and she starts laughing.
"Jensen, come back. I'm sorry." She grabs his arm and tugs. "It's just, that wasn't quite the revelation you seem to think."
"I need to figure out how to deal with this," he says quietly. "It's not fun."
"Did you ever consider telling him?"
"He doesn't want to hear it."
"How do you know that unless you try?" She arches a brow and smirks at him.
"I did try, Clare. And he doesn't want to hear it." Jensen watches her smile fade and nods, looking down at the floor. "So I need to figure out how to deal with it because I don't want to lose him as a friend, too."
"You-That's insane. He's crazy about you."
Hearing how crazy Jared is about him is exactly the opposite of helping him deal. "You know what, never mind." He pulls his arm away and turns to go to another section, but Clare only follows him, looking like she wants to protest more. Jensen holds up his hand to stop her. "Please don't tell me I'm wrong, or ask me if I'm sure. And please don't tell Misha or Sophia about this. I don't need you guys thinking you can make it better and actually making it worse."
That seems to address whatever it is she was going to say. "I'm sorry, Jensen. Really."
"It's fine," Jensen tells her. "Honestly, I don't even know why I brought it up."
"I really did think you were both-" She stops and actually stomps her foot in frustration. Then she closes her eyes and takes a few deep breaths. When she opens them again, she doesn't look irritated anymore, just sad. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"
"Not really." Jensen scratches the back of his neck and grimaces. "No offense. I just don't feel like getting into it again."
"Okay." Her mouth is turned down into an unhappy pout as she leans in to hug him.
"Kristen thinks I should start dating again," he says, tugging on one of her loose curls. "I'm not sure whether it's a good idea or just another way for me to avoid stuff."
"I don't know." Clare steps back and looks at him. "It might actually be a good idea. It gets you out of the house, around new people." She nods as she considers it. "I think you should think about it at least."
"I will." Jensen doesn't really want to admit to her that he's not entirely checked out on how the whole dating thing works anymore. If he ever really was.
"Hey, Clare. Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
Jensen hesitates. He knows this is really none of his business, but he's curious. "Is Misha still proposing to you?"
Clare looks startled by the question. "Uh, yeah."
"What's keeping you from saying yes?"
"Honestly?" Clare wrinkles her nose and tilts her head at him. "You repeat this, Ackles, and your balls are mine, but. What if it changes things? I like us the way we are."
"Insecurity? From you?" Jensen teases. "I don't buy it."
"I guess we're none of us perfect. No matter how close we may get."
Jensen wraps an arm around her. "That's more like it. And, though I'm about the last person in the world who should be offering relationship advice, I will say this. If you don't want to get married, then you shouldn't. But if you're saying no because you're scared, that's dumb. You're better than that, Clare. If I can't look to you as my beacon of emotional courage, then all hope is lost."
"God help you then, Jensen." Clare laughs and squeezes him. "It's just so traditional."
"So propose to him or something. It's you and Misha. I'm sure you'll come up with a way to shake up the sacred institution." He pulls a suit off of the rack and holds it up. "Saturday Night Fever?"
"No." Clare plucks it out of his hands and hangs it back on the rack.
Next
Jensen has a reoccurring dream about Jeff. He runs into him somewhere and it's easy, comfortable. There's no awkwardness or tension between them, no real awareness of why they haven't seen each other in years. It's just them. Sometimes they talk, sometimes they kiss, sometimes they just hang out and watch TV. It's happy in a quiet, intimate sort of way, and that's what Jensen remembers most when he wakes up. The happy feeling is what makes him so heartsick afterwards, because it's always only a dream.
It's miserable and grey outside when Jensen wakes up and it's a little chilly in the house. In the dream he was having, he and Jeff were on the couch, tucked under a blanket. Jensen had his head resting against Jeff's shoulder and Jeff was telling him a story. He doesn't remember anything about the story, only the feel of Jeff's hand stroking through his hair and the low rumble of his voice.
If it weren't for the fact that Jensen has to piss like a racehorse, he would bury his head under the covers and try and slip back into the dream. It never works, of course, so it's probably for the best that he has to get up. His head throbs as he sits up and puts on his glasses, but overall he feels much better than he was expecting. He wonders how Jared's faring. At this point, Jensen's a little fuzzy on which one of them drank more.
He already has on a t-shirt and pajama pants because drinking always makes him cold, so he only stops to put on a pair of socks before going downstairs to pee. After a rather valiant effort to brush the sour, stale taste out of his mouth, Jensen pours a glass of water from the Brita. He thinks about it for a moment, pulls down another glass for Jared and grabs the Advil out of the cabinet.
The door of Jared's room is cracked already, so Jensen pushes at it with his foot and it swings open quietly. Jared is on his side, hunched under the covers on the edge of his mattress, his back to the stretch of space that's left empty. Jensen's plan is to leave the water on the night table without waking Jared up. As soon as he steps into the room, though, Jared looks over at him and says, "Hey." His voice is gruff with sleep, but he doesn't sound like he actively wants to die or anything, which is good.
"Didn't mean to wake you." Jensen sets the water and the Advil down next to Jared. "I figured some water couldn't hurt."
"I've been up for awhile," Jared says. "Thanks." He sits up enough to take the Advil and then lies back down. "You going back to bed?"
"I was gonna lay back down, yeah. Probably won't sleep."
"Hmph." Jared reaches behind him and grabs blindly at the blankets until he finds the edge and flips them down. "Join the party."
The first thing Jared did after breakfast the previous morning was wash all of his bedding. Jensen was going to point out that he might want to wait on that until after the night of drinking, but he understood the compulsion. Clean starts and all of that nonsense.
He walks around to the other side of the bed and sets his water and glasses down on the floor near the wall before getting in. Jared's still facing away from him, so Jensen scoots over to tuck himself up against Jared's back, propping his head on one arm and wrapping the other around Jared's waist. The tank top Jared has on is ribbed and Jensen scratches his blunt nails over the ridges until Jared covers Jensen's hand with his own to stop him.
"How are you feeling?" Jensen asks.
"I'll be fine." It's not actually an answer.
Jensen studies the back of Jared's head for awhile, as though he might eventually be able to determine Jared's thoughts that way. "I had a dream about my ex last night."
"The ex you may or may not ever tell me about?" The tone of Jared's voice wavers somewhere between genuinely curious and mildly bitchy.
"That's the one." Jensen takes a deep breath and lets it out. "I didn't want to get into it last night because I don't want to be the guy who makes everything about him. I hate that guy."
"Chad's that guy."
"See?" Jensen asks, and he's rewarded with a soft chuckle.
"I would never mistake you for that guy, Jensen," Jared says after a moment. "I want to hear it if you want to tell me."
The problem isn't that Jensen doesn't want Jared to know so much as he really hates talking about his more brilliant fuck-ups, and the thing with Jeff is right up there at the top of the heap. But the room is still mostly dark, the weak light filtering through the curtains just enough to show that it's morning, and Jared isn't facing him. If there's a time to tell the story, this would be it.
"His name was Jeff. I was a few months out of school when we met. A friend of Misha's. Older, charming, insanely attractive."
"How much older?"
Of course Jared would pick up on that. "Twelve years. Looking back, it was a pretty big gap. I didn't think it mattered at the time. Hell, I don't even know that it really did, aside from how stupid I was."
Jared moves his hand that's still covering Jensen's to lace their fingers together. It makes Jensen smile.
"We started dating and it all went pretty fast. I moved in with him officially after a year, but I'd pretty much been living with him for a while before that. It was-" Jensen closes his eyes. "God, I was crazy about him. From day one I thought he was like the perfect guy. Funny, smart, artistic. Owned his own business. Had a dog that he rescued as a puppy and hand-fed until she was strong enough to eat on her own. I was so completely in love, dove right in without ever stopping to think about it." Jensen's voice goes a little rough on that and he has to stop for a moment. "He just had to look at me and I felt it all over."
"So last night when you said Marc was your second-best sex. This guy was your first?"
"Oh yeah." Jensen laughs. "The sex was fucking incredible. I haven't even come close to that kind of-" He cuts himself off there, figuring that Jared probably doesn't need quite that level of detail. "Anyway, as it turned out, he was still hung up on his ex." Jensen tells Jared about Tom, about the weird sex and the lying and the fight. About walking out and not looking back.
"And after two years together, that was that. I didn't even go back to get my stuff. Misha and Clare took care of all of it for me. I can't imagine how awkward the whole thing was for them." As far as Jensen knows, they're all still friends. The deal he has with Misha is that he doesn't tell Jensen about Jeff and he won't talk to Jeff about Jensen. Jensen knows if he'd wanted to press it, he could have gotten custody of Clare and Misha entirely, but he never wanted to be that guy. "They introduced me to Sophia when her old roommate moved out and here we are."
"So you haven't spoken to him at all since the fight?"
"No. I've almost run into him a few times around town, but I've always managed to get away without him seeing me." Jensen leans forward and presses his forehead against Jared's shoulder. "I sent Misha and Clare to get my stuff because I was afraid that if I went over there again, I would ask him to take me back."
Jared doesn't say anything to that. He's rubbing circles into Jensen's palm and it tickles a little, but Jensen doesn't want to pull his hand away.
"Don't get me wrong, I'm not pining over the guy or anything. But sometimes I wonder if I didn't make a huge mistake walking away like I did, without ever giving him a chance..." Jensen licks his lips and sighs. "Mostly I just feel stupid when I think about it. I was too young and completely idiotic about everything."
"You were my age when you guys broke up," Jared says quietly.
"Trust me, Jay," Jensen says with a laugh. "You are light-years ahead of where I was at twenty-four."
"Maybe," Jared says. "I'm not sure I understand why it makes you feel stupid, though."
Jensen thinks about that and he doesn't know that he has a good answer. "Maybe it's that I trusted him too much. I let myself be completely blindsided. Or that I didn't trust him enough to let him try and make amends. I didn't want to know whether or not he would."
It's quiet for a long time after that, which is fine. Jensen's not sure what else there is to say. The whole thing was messy from beginning to end and Jensen's only ever been able to blame himself for that. He thinks it might have been a whole lot easier if he could have hated Jeff.
"I don't think leaving was a mistake," Jared says suddenly, breaking the silence. "You know you're an incredible person, right? You deserve better than that."
"Of course." Jensen chuckles. "I'm awesome."
"I'm serious." Jared sounds disapproving. "I mean, I know you know you're attractive and that's fine. You're not really an asshole about it, but sometimes you act like that's all you bring to a relationship. And, no offense, dude, but compared to everything else, it's kind of the least significant thing about you." He makes a frustrated noise. "I just-I think it's shit that I honestly can't tell whether or not you know that."
Jensen has absolutely no idea how to respond. Leave it to Jared to wait until he's laid himself bare and then go in for that kind of sucker-punch. "I don't really trust a lot of people," he finally says.
"I know."
"You're the best friend I've ever had. No one else even comes close." Jensen doesn't say, Other people don't see me like you do. It's true, but he's not sure Jared would like it. Instead, he leans forward and presses a dry kiss against the bare part of Jared's shoulder. "I hope you know how much that means to me. I'm not sure what I'd do without you."
"Yeah, well." Jared laughs and never manages to finish that sentence.
After three straight weeks of rain, Saturday morning dawns surprisingly pretty. Just when Jensen was convinced that they'd skipped fall completely and moved straight on to winter. He's not sure how many more pretty day's they'll get this year and he's tempted to go take pictures around the neighborhood while he has the chance.
Little by little, Jensen's been getting into photography again. Near the end of the summer he and Jared cleaned out the basement so that they could put the pool table they got off of Craigslist down there and Jared found Jensen's portfolio from college. He made such a big deal about how good the photos were, and why didn't Jensen do it anymore, so Jensen dug out his camera just to shut him up. But once he started, he remembered how much he loved it. How he could frame a shot to make the world look more beautiful than it really is. How if he did that often enough, the world started to appear that beautiful all the time. A shift in perspective.
Jared is on the couch eating toaster waffles and watching cartoons when Jensen comes downstairs. Jensen goes into the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee before joining him. "Do you have plans today?" he asks as he sits down.
"Hmm mmm." Jared shakes his head as he chews, his cheeks bulging like he's a particularly greedy hamster.
Jensen rolls his eyes. "I was thinking of going out and taking some pictures. You want to come with?"
"Sure," Jared says after swallowing his mouthful. "Hey, so I had this dream that I was being chased by zebra zombies. Zombie zebras? They kept trying to bite me. What do you think that means?"
"That you have an intense, deep-rooted fear of alliteration?"
"Damn, baby. You know I love it when you go all word geek on me." Jared laughs, slaps Jensen's thigh and stands up to take his dishes into the kitchen, leaving Jensen to drink his coffee and watch Kim Possible in peace.
They end up taking a nice, leisurely stroll around Green Lake. There are a bunch of people there, despite the early hour. Joggers and walkers, people with their dogs and their kids, everyone out enjoying the sunshine while it lasts. Jensen takes a bunch of shots of the trees and the lake, some kids playing Frisbee. He also takes a bunch of pictures of Jared when he isn't paying attention. Jensen has discovered that Jared is incredibly photogenic, but if he knows Jensen's taking the picture, he'll give him a crazy Cheshire cat grin or his Zoolander impression.
At any given time, there are as many pictures of Jared looking like an idiot on Jensen's camera as there are ones where he looks completely gorgeous. It's a toss-up as to which ones Jensen actually likes better. Though, the one Jensen just took might end up being his favorite, he thinks as he looks at it on the tiny camera screen. Jared was turning toward him to point something out, a smile on his face that he didn't have the chance to distort before Jensen took the shot.
"Watch out. Runaway mutt," Jared says.
Jensen looks up from his camera and feels a sudden, sick thrill when he spots the dog running towards them, barking happily. "Shit."
She stops in front of him and dances around like she's not quite sure what to do with this much excitement except turn in circles and wag her tail.
"Hey there, Bisou." Jensen squats down to pet her and she flops down on his feet, giving him access to her belly. "Long time no see." It's a little insane how much affection he still feels for the mutt. They spent a lot of time together and he actively missed her for a long while after he and Jeff broke up.
"Jensen," Jared says in a mock serious tone. "You know this dog?"
"Yeah." Jensen looks up to see someone walking quickly towards them. "This is Jeff's dog."
"Jeff?" Jared looks up and then back down at Jensen. "Like Jeff Jeff?"
"Yeah." Jensen continues to scratch her tummy as the guy who is definitely not Jeff approaches them.
"Bisou!" he says in a sharp tone. She ignores him completely. "I'm sorry, I have no idea what's gotten into her. She never does this." The guy is beautiful. There's no other word for it. Dark hair, chiseled jaw, pretty grey-blue eyes and an incredible mouth. Jensen kind of wants to hate him but his smile is open and friendly and completely disarming.
"Don't worry about it," Jared says. "She's a sweet dog."
"Thanks, she's-" He's cut off by a sharp whistle.
Bisou looks up at that and seems torn on whether to obey or continue to get pats from Jensen. Jensen thumps her side affectionately and she stays where she is.
Jeff finally reaches them, saying Bisou's name. "What is the matter with you? I..." He trails off when Jensen looks up. "Jensen?"
"Think she just wanted to say hi," Jensen says as he stands up again. He can feel his pulse pounding in his throat as Jeff looks at him. There's a long enough pause there for it to be noticeably awkward, so Jensen clears his throat and sticks out his hand. "Hey, Jeff. Good to see you again."
For a moment, it seems like Jeff is going to ignore him completely. He looks down at Jensen's hand with a surprisingly bitter smile before he laughs softly and takes it. "Yeah. Yeah, it's been awhile."
"It has." Jensen lets his hand fall to his side as he steps back. He wants to rub it against his jeans to get rid of the immediate sense memory of Jeff's touch, or fiddle with his camera where it's still hanging around his neck. He does neither, his gaze flicking over to the other man, who has lost his easy-going smile.
"Uh, sorry. Jensen, this is Tom. Tom, Jensen." Jeff looks as nonplussed giving that introduction as Jensen feels receiving it, but he shakes Tom's hand with a nod and a quick smile. It doesn't really surprise Jensen that Jeff is still with Tom and he's not sure whether it's better or worse than it would be if it were some new guy instead.
When he steps back, he's surprised to find Jared right next to him and he realizes he has his own introductions to make. "This is Jared." He doesn't elaborate, half-hoping Jeff and Tom will jump to the wrong conclusion about who he is to Jensen.
Jared steps forward to shake their hands with a full-on sunshine, dimpled smile, like he is completely oblivious to the tension in everyone else. He isn't, of course, but Jensen sort of loves him for the act. When he returns to Jensen's side, he throws his arm across Jensen's back, his hand resting casually on Jensen's hip and Jensen has to bite back a smile.
"I was just telling Tom what a sweet dog you have." Jared tucks two fingers through Jensen's belt loop and slips his thumb under the hem of his shirt, just letting it rest there on Jensen's bare skin.
"Yeah." Jeff looks down at the leash he's holding, but Jensen doesn't miss the fact that his gaze hits where Jared's hand is resting first. "She's a good girl."
"It must be nice to have a dog like that to walk on such a pretty day," Jared says, laying it on ridiculously thick and Jensen laughs. He's pretty sure he's never loved Jared more than he does at this moment.
"It's not days like today that I'm worried about. It's when you're holed up in your office for weeks at a time, muttering about the incompetence of undergrads." Jensen looks up at Jared out of the corner of his eyes. "When you finish school we can talk about it."
"Well, we should probably get going," Tom says.
"Sure." Jeff bends over to hook Bisou's leash on. When he straightens back up, he gives Jensen a warm, considering look that still gives Jensen a rush, despite himself. "Let's get dinner tonight."
"Uh." Jensen blinks in surprise.
"The four of us," Jeff clarifies, with a quick glance at Tom.
For a moment, Jensen thinks that Tom is going to object, call this out for the insane and horrible idea that it is. But Tom only smiles tightly and says, "Sounds like fun."
"Um." Jensen rubs the back of his neck and looks up at Jared.
Jared's expression is inscrutable and Jensen couldn't even begin to guess what he's thinking right now. He squeezes Jensen's hip for a moment and grins. "I don't think we have anything going." Easy and friendly and completely unexpected.
"Great!" Jeff smiles and rubs his hands together, leaving Jensen no choice but to smile and nod.
They make plans to meet up at the Japanese place on Fremont and 36th. Jeff and Jensen exchange cell phone numbers in case plans change. Jensen, of course, still has Jeff's number memorized, but he doesn't have it programmed into his phone and he pretends not to remember it.
As they turn to walk away, Jared drops his arm from around Jensen's waist, reaching over to lace their fingers together instead. They're halfway home when Jensen finally blows out a big breath and says, "So, you're gonna have to explain to me what happened back there, because I'm having some trouble processing."
"We ran into your ex and tonight we're going to have dinner with him and his vapid model boyfriend." Jared squeezes Jensen's hand as Jensen snorts. "I figure, maybe this is your chance to resolve things. Get some closure."
Of course Jared would think that. And then afterward they can frolic with puppies and dance under sparkly rainbows. Jensen's not sure whether he's amused or annoyed. "Closure isn't real. It's a stupid trope they use in sitcoms and cheesy romances."
"Maybe." Jared is looking down at the sidewalk and Jensen laughs when he realizes that he's avoiding all the cracks. Jared glances at him with a grin and shrugs. "I still think it might be good for you. But if you want to bail, I can totally come down with a bad case of food poisoning or something."
"I don't know." Jensen thinks about how weird it is to see Jeff again after all this time. He still feels jittery from it, excitement or nerves, maybe a little bit of both. Jeff looked good, more grey in his beard and a few more laugh lines around his eyes, but still fundamentally him in a way that makes Jensen a little sad. Jared might be right, it could be good for Jensen to talk to Jeff again from an adult perspective. "And you would, what? Go along as my pretend boyfriend?"
Jared smiles mischievously. "He noticed."
"Seems a little petty," Jensen points out, but he's smiling too. "I don't know that I feel comfortable asking you to do that, dude."
"Well, you didn't really. I just did it." Jared glances at him. "Should I apologize for that?"
"Naw. I never said I was above being a little petty." He scrubs his hand through his hair. "You really don't mind?"
"What are friends for?" Jared asks.
"I'm pretty sure it's not this."
Jared laughs and kisses the side of Jensen's head as they walk. It isn't until they get to the house and Jared lets go of him to dig out his key that Jensen realizes they were holding hands the entire way home.
The weather remains favorable, so Jared and Jensen walk to the restaurant, holding hands again, because if they're going to play boyfriends all night, they might as well. At least, that's what Jensen assumes is going on. Jared is in a good enough mood, but it's hard for Jensen to get a read on what he's thinking, which is unusual and a little bit disconcerting.
Jeff and Tom are standing outside the restaurant waiting for them and Tom doesn't appear to be the happiest camper in the world to be there. Once again, Jensen wonders why he didn't just object when Jeff suggested the outing. But, considering how Jeff and Tom got back together, Jensen's not surprised that Tom didn't let Jeff come out alone. And Jensen remembers how stubborn Jeff can be. If he decided he was coming to dinner tonight, there wasn't a damn thing Tom would be able to say to stop him.
It's as uncomfortable and weird as it was that morning and Jensen makes a genuine effort to engage Tom in conversation. Tom tells him that he's a cabinet maker and that's how he and Jeff met-Tom was apprenticing with the guy who did Jeff's cabinets when he remodeled his kitchen. Jensen thinks about the time that he lived in that house, taking out and putting dishes away, sitting on the counter while Jeff cooked, all that time not knowing that Jeff's ex had helped build those stupid cabinets. He stops trying to talk to Tom after that.
Jared is the only thing that saves Jensen from wanting the world to swallow him whole. He's completely on, telling stories and jokes, being his usual, aggressively friendly self and crushing any lulls in the conversation like Godzilla destroying Tokyo.
"So, the dude starts talking about my momma." Jared pauses to take another sip of his sake and Jensen takes the opportunity to interrupt.
"That guy did not say jack shit about your momma and you know it."
"Okay, maybe he didn't." Jared grins. "I actually don't remember what started it."
"Your smartass mouth is what started it," Jensen says fondly.
"Fine. Apparently the guy took offense at something I said." Jared winks at Jensen and waves his hand. "It's a moot point. He was looking to start some shit and Jensen stepped in to defend my honor."
Jensen laughs. "Nothing quite so noble. The guy went in to sucker punch you and I stopped him."
"With your fist."
"With my fist," Jensen admits. "Words weren't going to cut it. The guy was clearly beyond that if he was trying to pick a fight with you in the first place. You had like three feet on him."
"And he had two other friends with him," Jared says to Tom and Jeff. "Things got a little out of hand after that." Jared is leaning back in his chair, his arm resting on the back of Jensen's, his fingers curved around the back of Jensen's neck. "We held our own, though. I think Jensen only came out of it with a split lip. I remember thinking, how did I get lucky enough to go out with a guy who knew how to fight in a down and dirty bar brawl like that? It was pretty glorious." He rubs his thumb over the short hairs on Jensen's neck and Jensen turns to look at him.
"You never told me that."
"That I think you brawl like a champ? I didn't want you to make a habit out of it or anything, but yeah. It was pretty hot." Jared holds Jensen's gaze for a long moment, his tongue darting out to wet his lips. "Best first date ever."
"Man, I'm not sure what that says about you." When Jensen looks back at Jeff, he finds him smiling at the story, but he's watching Jensen with dark eyes, like he's not sure how to reconcile Jared's Jensen with the one he knew.
We're not the same people, Jensen thinks, and he's startled to realize that it's actually true. More than just being older now, he's a completely different person when he's with Jared than he was with Jeff. It's an unsettling realization that Jensen's a little too tipsy at this point to sort out. Sake might have been a bad idea.
Jeff grabs the bill when it comes and pays the entire thing over Jensen's protests. He looks up at Jensen as he's signing the receipt and says, "Night's still young. Should we go get some drinks?"
"Haven't we been drinking already?" Jensen asks, but he already knows he's going to say yes.
"I think I'm going to bow out now," Tom says as they step outside. "I have stuff I need to do tomorrow." Jeff nods, but doesn't make any indication that Tom's plans have any bearing on his own. "It was nice to meet you guys." The thin line of Tom's lips and the terse nod he gives them belie the statement, but Jensen smiles in return because there's not much else to do.
As Jeff is saying goodbye to Tom, Jared looks at Jensen and whispers, "Do you want me to go?" His expression makes Jensen think that the right answer is no, but he's not sure what he wants now that Tom is gone. Jeff turns back to them before Jensen has a chance to decide one way or the other.
They walk down the street together, Jared on one side of him and Jeff on the other. It's colder now that the sun is gone and Jensen wishes he'd gone with his leather coat over his jean jacket. He's shivering by the time they get to the bar Jeff has chosen, not noticeably, but enough that he'll be glad to get inside again.
"This okay?" Jeff asks as they stop and Jensen nods, turning to Jared.
"You know," Jared says, fidgeting with the zipper of his jacket. "I think maybe I'm gonna head home too." He looks at Jensen like he's waiting for him to make the final decision, and Jensen could easily cajole him into staying. He nods instead and Jared's expression falls. "Yeah, I'm pretty tired. But, uh, call me if you need a ride later? I'll come get you."
"I'll make sure he gets home okay," Jeff says.
A surprising flash of very obvious irritation crosses Jared's face as he looks over at Jeff and Jensen steps forward, placing a hand on Jared's waist before he can say anything. "I'll call or text you if I need anything. I promise."
Jared nods and shoots another sullen look in Jeff's direction. "Okay, well." He hesitates for a moment, then reaches up and wraps his hand around the back of Jensen's neck, tilting his face up for a kiss.
Jensen is expecting something soft and sweet, a pretty goodbye from his attentive boyfriend. Jared's thinking something completely different, as it turns out. He starts out with a slow, wet kiss, tilting his head and licking at Jensen's lips until Jensen opens for him and then he takes possession. There's no other word for the way Jared holds him in place, the slant of his mouth and the slick, aggressive slide of his tongue. He's very obviously staking a claim and Jensen doesn't think to do anything but let him, desire shooting through him, white-hot and insistent. Jared only pulls away when Jensen clutches at his back, trying to bring them closer together.
When Jensen opens his eyes, Jared is looking past him to Jeff. "It was nice meeting you." There's no trace of Jared's earlier puppyish friendliness in his voice. He looks back at Jensen, his hand still resting hot and heavy against Jensen's neck, and brushes another kiss against Jensen's lips before whispering, "I'll see you at home."
"Okay." Jensen nods and Jared takes a step back, gives them a half-assed wave before turning and walking down the street in the direction of their house. Jensen watches him until he turns the corner.
"Either I was being warned off, or you were being reminded of what you have waiting for you." Jeff sounds amused.
"I guess." Jensen rubs his hand over his chin, completely confused as to what exactly that was. He looks back at Jeff and can't keep from adding, "I'd like to think I don't need the reminder."
Jeff nods and looks down, a wry smile twisting his lips. "Fair enough." He turns to the bar and opens the door, motioning for Jensen to go in before him. Jensen still feels hot, flushed all over and he regrets the loss of the cool night air as he walks inside.
They find an empty table in the corner and order a pitcher of beer. Jensen has no idea what he is or isn't supposed to drink after sake, but he guesses he'll find out.
"It's really good to see you, Jensen," Jeff says after the waitress leaves. "You look good. You look-"
"Grown up?"
"I was going to say happy." Jeff smiles. "But, yeah, that too. And here I didn't think it was possible for you to get any more attractive."
"I just keep defying those odds." Jensen takes a long drink of his beer and doesn't look at Jeff until he's set his glass back down. "So what are we doing here, Jeff? Besides subjecting everyone to their quota of awkward for the next ten years, that is."
"I don't know. Would you believe I just wanted to see you?" Jeff leans forward, resting his elbows on the table and rubs his hand over his beard. "I hated the way things ended between us. I never wanted that. I never-" He laughs and looks down at the table. "You're the one who got away, kid."
"Fucking asshole," Jensen says mildly. His stomach clenches as he studies Jeff's face. "I didn't get away. You let me walk without doing a Goddamn thing to stop it."
"I know."
"It wouldn't have taken much."
"I know that, too," Jeff admits quietly. "But every time I picked up the phone, I would see that look on your face and I'd think, I don't deserve your forgiveness."
"Yeah, well." Jensen rubs a hand over his mouth and shrugs. "Maybe I deserved to be asked."
Jeff lets out a breath and studies him. "I'm not gonna deny I fucked up with you, Jensen. I did. Big time and I'm always going to regret it. For what it's worth, I'm sorry."
That's not quite the apology Jensen wanted, years too late to matter anyway, but he supposes it's better than nothing. He pours another beer for himself and smiles. "It wasn't entirely your fault. I'm not sure anyone could have lived up to the expectations I had at the time. I wanted you to have all the answers." He shrugs. "I was a dumb kid. I know now how unfair that was."
"Cynicism doesn't suit you," Jeff says quietly. "Though, you're right about one thing, I was never anywhere close to having the answers. I'm not sure if I get less idiotic or more as I get older."
Jensen cracks a genuine smile at that and Jeff nods.
"You want my one piece of advanced-years wisdom? Here it is." Jeff takes a drink before looking back at Jensen. "People don't change as they get older. We only become more and more who we already were. All you can do is try to be the best possible version of that person." He pauses, fiddling with the ring on his thumb. "You brought out the best in me for the most part, but after seeing you with Jared, I'm not so sure I ever did that for you."
"I'm not sure I follow," Jensen says, surprised. He was good with Jeff, they were good together. Weren't they?
"Jensen." Jeff chuckles. "You're a completely different person around him. You're more confident, relaxed. I realize it's been a few years, but you weren't like that with me. Even now you're more guarded than you were at dinner."
It's no more than what Jensen was thinking earlier, but it's weird to hear from someone else. "Jared puts up with a lot of crap from me. I don't know why he does it, to be honest."
"Because he's ass over heels in love with you, maybe?" Jeff raises an eyebrow at Jensen's startled look. "Was I not supposed to know that?"
"I don't-" Jensen shakes his head. "You can't just know that."
"I couldn't not know that. Possessive displays aside," Jeff says seriously. "It's pretty obvious the way he watches you. Like the fact that you're right there in front of him is too good to be true. Smart kid."
"It's-" Jensen stops, because he can't say it's not like that. Jeff is supposed to think it is like that, so maybe Jared's just a great actor. Then Jensen thinks about the way Jared kissed him goodbye and sighs. "Jared is easy to be with," he says honestly. "Just slipped right under my skin when I wasn't looking and set up residence. Whether or not he's in love…" He shrugs.
Jeff studies Jensen for a long moment and frowns. "You really don't see it?"
By the time the bar closes, Jensen has officially lost track of how many pitchers they've split between them. He knows they're both well past drunk, stumbling and giggling like little kids as Jeff walks him home. Jensen is wearing Jeff's jacket and, while it's still big on him, it's not so large as it once was.
"I want you to know," Jeff says as they turn onto Jensen's block. "Tom and I didn't start dating again until a couple years ago. After you left, I didn't. It wasn't like that."
"Yeah?" Jensen asks and Jeff nods. "That's. Yeah, that's good to know."
Jeff walks him up to the door and instead of going inside, Jensen turns and leans against it. It's like a crazy satire of their first date as Jeff props his hand next to Jensen's head. "Thank you. For coming out tonight." Jeff isn't touching him, but he's close enough that Jensen can feel the heat from his body.
"Yeah." Jensen nods once and stops because it makes the world tilt unpleasantly. "Yeah, it was good. This was good."
"I really did love you, Jensen. I don't want you to think I didn't." Jeff sways a little closer and laughs. "I'm such an asshole." With that, he closes the distance between them and kisses Jensen, wet and dirty and it's exactly like it always was with them. Hot, electric, needy want that Jensen has no hope of not responding to.
So he lets it happen, lets himself get swept up in it, the familiar scratch of Jeff's beard against his skin and the way he clutches at Jensen's waist with one hand like Jensen's trying to get away. But the memory of Jared's kiss pops into his head and he manages to get a hand between them, gently pressing against Jeff's chest until he moves back.
"Wow." Jeff takes a deep, ragged breath and looks away. "So that's still there."
"Yeah." Jensen has to laugh at that. "Yeah, Jeff. That was never our problem."
"It was good with us, wasn't it?" Jeff asks with a dirty smile. He looks like he wants to lean in again, but Jensen's hand is still there, holding him off as he nods. "Is it that good with Jared?"
"Jesus!" Jensen laughs again and shakes his head. "Were you always this big of a jackass?"
"You used to find it charming."
"Things change." Jensen pushes him a little more, raising his eyebrows. "What? Were you planning to fuck me right here on the porch?" Jeff takes a step back and Jensen lets his hand drop. "It was good with us. It was really fucking good." He pauses long enough for that to sink in before saying, "With Jared, it's better." Jensen's startled to realize that it's not even a lie.
"Fair enough." Jeff shoves his hands in his pockets and smiles.
"Which is why I'm going to go inside now and, if he's still awake, let him know that he has nothing to worry about." Jensen shrugs out of Jeff's coat and hands it back over to him. "I suggest you go home to Tom and tell him all the things you never managed to say to me."
"Beg if I have to?"
"It wouldn't hurt."
"It's not the same, you know." Jeff pulls his coat on and zips it up.
"It's not," Jensen agrees. "Tom knows exactly who you're with right now."
"Shit." Jeff runs his hands through his hair and frowns. "I have no idea what I was thinking."
"That you could have your cake and eat it too?" Jensen feels a flare of old hurt and almost presses that, but he decides to let Jeff off the hook. "We're both drunk and you were remembering that we had good chemistry. No harm, no foul. Just go home and let him know that he was always your first choice." Jeff looks surprised at that, but he doesn't bother denying it. "He always was, wasn't he?"
Jeff ducks his head and looks up at Jensen, a sad smile curving his lips. Says, "Goodnight, Jensen," instead of giving him an answer.
"Goodbye, Jeff," Jensen says.
"Goodbye. Yeah." Jeff nods in acknowledgment before turning around and walking away.
As soon as he's out of sight, Jensen thumps his head against the door and winces. It would have been so easy to get carried away with Jeff, to let the fact that Jeff still wants him soothe all the still-bruised parts of his ego and maybe he even would have six months ago. But Jensen can honestly say he doesn't want that anymore and he's pretty sure the reason for that is inside the house. Jensen is drunk and he should probably go straight to bed, but he's really hoping that Jared is still up.
The lights are all out and Jared is on the couch watching TV, slouched against the corner, a bored look on his face.
"Hey." Jared doesn't look away from the screen as Jensen sits down beside him. Adult Swim is on, though Jensen doesn't recognize the show. "How'd it go?"
"Good. Really good."
"Yeah?" Jared smirks. "Like, he's going home to break up with Tom good? Or just you guys making out on the porch good?"
"Caught that, huh?" Jensen looks away from Jared's profile to the TV and back again. Jared gaze is still focused on the screen. "Good like you were right about the closure thing good. I mean." Jensen swallows and realizes he's far too drunk for this conversation, but he plows on ahead anyway. "It's never gonna be wrapped up in a tidy bow. The thing with Jeff, it'll always be a little messy. But it's not fucking with my head anymore, I don't think. It's just. Over." He pinches his nose, resisting the urge to rub his eyes. "I think it has been for awhile. I just missed it."
"That's good, I guess."
"Jared, come on, man. You're not making this easy." Jensen grabs Jared's wrist where his hand is splayed on the cushion, but he doesn't pull. He only curls his fingers until he can feel Jared's pulse beating under the soft skin.
"No?" Jared does look at him then, but with the only light coming from the TV, half is face is cast in shadow and Jensen can't decipher his expression. "What am I supposed to be making easy on you? Seriously, what is it that you want from me?"
Instead of answering, Jensen turns, scooting closer to Jared until his knee is pressed against Jared's thigh and leans in. As soon as his lips press against Jared's, Jared jerks back, shoving Jensen's shoulder and knocking him off balance. "What the hell, Jensen?"
Jensen feels the question like a slap, his face heating with embarrassment as he tries to figure out what just happened. "I thought- Earlier, when you left, I thought." He can't manage to finish the sentence, can't bring himself to say what's been lurking in the back of his mind all night. You kissed me like it meant something. Jensen's not exactly inexperienced. How could he have misread that so completely?
Jared scrubs his hand over his face. "You're really drunk and you spent the entire night with the guy you've been broken up over for four years. You should probably go to bed now, man. Sleep it off." He's back to not looking at Jensen, his voice flat and irritated.
"Yeah, I." Jensen stands shakily and tries to smile. "Okay." His stomach is tied up in knots and he feels like complete and utter shit. Of all the ways he saw the night going wrong, this was not one of them.
"Take your fucking contacts out," Jared says as Jensen starts to walk toward the stairs.
For a moment he considers walking back to the bathroom, but dismisses it. "I'll throw them away." They're a new pair, but he has more and taking them out properly seems an insurmountable task at the moment. "Sorry about-" He waves his hand and starts up the stairs. "Night, Jared." Whether or not Jared heard him, he doesn't answer.
Once he gets up to his room, Jensen peels his contacts out and flicks them in the trashcan. His glasses are still downstairs, but it's not a big deal. He changes into pajamas and crawls into bed and tries not to think about the fact that he just made a gigantic ass out of himself in front of his best friend. Which, granted, isn't the first time that's happened, but it's generally not so personal. Jensen feels monumentally stupid and he has no idea how to fix it, how mad Jared is at him or exactly how much worse he'll feel in the morning when he remembers all of it.
Jared comes upstairs about half an hour later. He pauses halfway down the hall and Jensen feels his pulse speed up, wondering if Jared will go the rest of the way to check to see if he's still awake, but he doesn't. He goes into his room and shuts the door with a definitive click.
It's almost dawn when Jensen finally falls asleep. He's sobering up already and he knows that he's going to have the world's worst hangover in a few hours, but he keeps going over everything that happened with Jared and coming to the same conclusion: Jensen likes Jared as more than a friend.
Jensen wakes up around eleven o'clock, which is way too early considering the previous night. He fumbles around on his nightstand before he remembers that he doesn't have his glasses with him. There isn't a part of him that doesn't ache and Jensen thinks he remembers this from the last time he had sake. Sake, beer, the rest of the night plays out in Jensen's head as he lays there and sincerely wishes he could simply die and be done with it.
He doesn't die and he can't fall back asleep. What he needs is water and a handful of Advil, so he manages to get himself upright somehow, only stubbing his toe three times before he makes it downstairs. The TV is on, but Jensen doesn't have his eyes open any more than what it takes to navigate his way safely into the bathroom. Once there, he takes his time. Peeing, washing his face, brushing his teeth and managing not to vomit at any point in the process.
When he's done with that, he slides his glasses on and is rewarded with the fact that he looks nearly as awful as he feels. He grunts at his reflection and thinks once again how death might be a preferable alternative to this.
The kitchen smells like eggs and coffee and it's a horrible combination, making Jensen's stomach lurch. He gets some water and the bottle of Advil and stumbles back out into the living room.
"Hey," Jared says quietly. "How are you feeling?" He sounds sympathetic, which is the opposite of what Jensen was expecting.
"Too shitty to come up with something clever to express how truly shitty I feel." Jensen pops two Advil into his mouth, thinks about it for a moment and takes two more. He takes a sip of water and concentrates on breathing for awhile, watching the TV screen without really processing anything that's showing.
Jensen isn't sure how long they sit there, but eventually he starts to feel human enough to get up and get himself some coffee. He brings it out into the living room and sits back down, wrapping his fingers around the mug to let the heat soak into them. He spent most of the night awake, thinking about what he wanted to say to Jared. That, or he dreamt about thinking about what he wanted to say. Either way, it's been on his mind and he still hasn't come up with the perfect thing, but he doesn't want to let this go too long. He doesn't think he was imagining the way Jared kissed him.
"So, uh." Jensen clears his throat and looks at Jared out the corner of his eye. "About last night." Off to a fantastic start.
Jared visibly tenses and when he turns to Jensen, he looks tired, a stiff, obviously fake smile on his face. "We don't really have to talk about it, do we? I mean, we all had a lot to drink and it was a weird night all the way around and." He waves his hand. "Can we just do a blanket apology and forget about it?"
"Oh. Um." Jensen turns to face Jared directly, trying to work out what's being apologized for on Jared's end of things. "I'm not sure. The thing is." He takes a deep breath. "I wanted to talk to you about-"
"Please," Jared cuts him off. His voice is strained and his gaze is focused on the hangnail on his thumb. "I'm asking you as your friend. Please don't push this. Don't-Don't make this harder than it has to be. It doesn't have to be weird if we can just. Not."
"Yeah. Okay. If that's what you want." Jensen's chest aches with the need to say, Just give me a chance, but he doesn't. "I'm sorry. That's, yeah. That's fine."
"Thanks." Jared glances at him a small, but real smile on his face. More than anything he seems relieved and Jensen has to look away.
"Sure." Jensen takes a big sip of coffee, swallowing the hot liquid past the lump in his throat. He thinks this might actually feel worse than Jeff lying to him. Jared never wanted him at all, doesn't even want to deal with Jensen's stupid crush. All of the comments their friends have made, the crap Jeff was saying last night about how Jared watched him, it was all bullshit. Just when Jensen thinks he's reached the threshold of his mortification, he finds it goes a level deeper.
"Do you want to watch a movie or something?" Jared asks.
It's a peace offering. One Jensen should take but he doesn't think he can sit here for two hours and pretend like he doesn't currently feel the strong desire to commit seppuku. "I think I'm gonna go for a jog."
"Really?" Jared raises his eyebrows in disbelief. Probably because that's the single dumbest thing Jensen could have possibly come up with as an excuse, as hungover as he is.
"Yeah. I think the fresh air will help." Jensen's commits to it because the alternative is admitting that he desperately needs to get away from Jared right now and that in and of itself is too shitty to deal with. Jared is who Jensen wants to be around when he doesn't want to be around anyone.
Jared looks like he wants to say something more, but he nods instead and says, "Have fun with that."
Despite how bloodshot his eyes are, Jensen forces in a new pair of contacts and goes upstairs to change into running clothes. He grabs his phone off his nightstand and shoves it in his pocket before heading downstairs.
"Be back in awhile," he says on his way out the door. It shuts on Jared's answer.
Jensen walks to Green Lake, hoping that the air might actually help. It's damp and overcast outside and there are only a few dedicated runners on the trail once Jensen gets there. He starts out at an easy pace and makes it about a quarter of the way around before veering off the trail to puke in the brush. After he's done, he walks down far enough that he can't smell it and sits in the grass, ignoring the wetness that immediately seeps through his pants and boxers. It's just that kind of morning.
His head is throbbing and his stomach still feels iffy as Jensen pulls out his phone and thumbs through the contacts. He dismisses Misha, Clare and Sophia as possibilities because they're too close and he doesn't think he can handle them right now. So he presses speed-dial four and hopes for an answer.
"Not that I'm not happy to hear from you, but it's Sunday morning. Shouldn't you be hungover right now?"
"Oh, I'm very much that, Tinkerbell." Jensen laughs roughly. "Rest assured. I am hungover and I pretty much fucked up my entire personal life last night. I need counsel."
"Okay, hold on." There's a muffled noise and he can hear Kristen talking to someone, though he can't make out what she's saying. "Alright, I'm back. Now walk me through it, Boo. What happened?"
"I'm sorry. I guess I should have asked if you were free first," Jensen says sincerely. He's talked to Kristen since she's left, of course, but it's not all that often and now he feels like a crap friend on top of everything else.
"Jensen." Kristen sounds tolerantly amused, because she's used to his bullshit. "Spill."
So Jensen tells her everything, starting with Bisou in the park and ending with the puking, which he probably could have left out, but he feels like it speaks to how completely pathetic he is.
"Wow," Kristen says when he finally quits talking. "So, you've been busy. You don't do anything by half-measures ever, do you?"
"Thanks," Jensen says, but his smile is genuine.
"Okay, so really it's the Jared thing, right?"
"Yeah."
She sighs and makes a hesitant little noise before talking again. "I know you might not want to hear this right now, but do you think it's possible that this thing with Jared is just- Okay. You've been gun-shy for awhile with the dating thing and you finally get closure or whatever with Jeff, only to realize that you're in love with Jared. All in a twelve hour time span. Is it possible that what you're feeling for him is based on the fact that he's safe?"
"How do you mean safe?"
"He's a guy you already have a strong emotional connection with. He's been a good friend to you and with all the other turmoil, he's been a constant. So maybe you just sort of latched onto him because he's there and you know he already loves you." She pauses while Jensen digests that, then says, "I'm not saying I never noticed anything between you guys. I'm just saying it might feel like more than it actually is right now because of everything else."
"Maybe." Jensen considers that. He can concede that he's not necessarily in the greatest frame of mind to think about it logically. "I don't know. Say it is that. What do I do about it?"
"Honestly, I think you should start actually dating again. You're a good guy, there are other good guys out there. You just have to be willing to give them half a chance." Kristen laughs her little laugh. "I love you to death and back you know. I want you to be happy."
Jensen picks at the grass between his legs and frowns. "Easier said than done, Tink."
"It's a whole lot harder if you don't even try, Jensen." Kristen's tone is serious. "I know you're feeling kind of fucked up right now. You're slamming yourself around like an emotional pinball after being shut down for years. Find your equilibrium and then try easing yourself back into it."
"Yeah. I'll think about it. Thanks," he says sincerely.
"Things will go back to normal with Jared, I promise. He's not the type to hold a grudge and he does love you, everything else aside."
"Yeah." Jensen pinches the bridge of his nose and swallows hard, his vision blurring. "I know that. I do."
"You gonna be okay?" she asks softly.
"You know me." He forces out a chuckle. "Emotional meltdown every few years and I'm right as rain."
"Call me whenever, Jensen. You know I'm here."
"Thanks, Kristen. I'll let you get back to it."
Kristen makes him promise to call her in a couple weeks with an update before she hangs up and Jensen does feel better. He gets up and brushes off his pants and heads back home.
Halfway there it starts to rain.
"Yeah, yeah, fuck me," Jensen mutters to himself. "I already got that memo, thanks."
Kristen is nothing if not a smart cookie and things get back to normal, more or less. Jensen acts like nothing is wrong and Jared relaxes. They hang out, watch TV, play video games and go to the gym together, but they're more careful in the way they touch. Jensen gets it, how Jared might feel uncomfortable with their previous casual intimacy, but every aborted gesture makes Jensen feel self-conscious and itchy. He's been relegated to pats on the shoulder and half-assed roughhousing when he was used to hugs and cuddling and stupid sloppy kisses. It makes Jensen feel isolated, bizarrely self-contained, which isn't unmanageable. It's just sort of depressing.
He's also spent a lot of time thinking about what Jeff said, about being the best version of himself. As something to aspire to, it's not a bad goal. The problem is, Jensen can't quite figure out what that guy would be like. There's the distinct possibility that guy looks a lot like the one who is Jared's friend, if Jensen could just get back to that place. But, smart as Kristen is, Jensen thinks she was wrong about Jared being safe.
Now that Jensen's aware of it, he's aware of it all the time. He notices the way Jared smiles and how he always smiles automatically in return. The way he moves, the way he laughs, the fact that Jensen's external hard drive currently holds about three hundred pictures of Jared taken over the past three months. Jensen likes to think that he's pretty self-aware, but he not only missed this Jared thing, he was actively suppressing it.
"So, I, uh. I think I might be in love with Jared. A little." He and Clare are at Value Village looking for ideas for Halloween costumes and he continues to flip through the rack of suites as he waits for Clare's response.
"I enjoy sex."
He looks over at her, startled. She flips through a few more dresses before looking up at him. "I'm sorry, I thought we were making obvious statements."
"Okay, good chat. Thanks." He turns to go look at a different rack and she starts laughing.
"Jensen, come back. I'm sorry." She grabs his arm and tugs. "It's just, that wasn't quite the revelation you seem to think."
"I need to figure out how to deal with this," he says quietly. "It's not fun."
"Did you ever consider telling him?"
"He doesn't want to hear it."
"How do you know that unless you try?" She arches a brow and smirks at him.
"I did try, Clare. And he doesn't want to hear it." Jensen watches her smile fade and nods, looking down at the floor. "So I need to figure out how to deal with it because I don't want to lose him as a friend, too."
"You-That's insane. He's crazy about you."
Hearing how crazy Jared is about him is exactly the opposite of helping him deal. "You know what, never mind." He pulls his arm away and turns to go to another section, but Clare only follows him, looking like she wants to protest more. Jensen holds up his hand to stop her. "Please don't tell me I'm wrong, or ask me if I'm sure. And please don't tell Misha or Sophia about this. I don't need you guys thinking you can make it better and actually making it worse."
That seems to address whatever it is she was going to say. "I'm sorry, Jensen. Really."
"It's fine," Jensen tells her. "Honestly, I don't even know why I brought it up."
"I really did think you were both-" She stops and actually stomps her foot in frustration. Then she closes her eyes and takes a few deep breaths. When she opens them again, she doesn't look irritated anymore, just sad. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"
"Not really." Jensen scratches the back of his neck and grimaces. "No offense. I just don't feel like getting into it again."
"Okay." Her mouth is turned down into an unhappy pout as she leans in to hug him.
"Kristen thinks I should start dating again," he says, tugging on one of her loose curls. "I'm not sure whether it's a good idea or just another way for me to avoid stuff."
"I don't know." Clare steps back and looks at him. "It might actually be a good idea. It gets you out of the house, around new people." She nods as she considers it. "I think you should think about it at least."
"I will." Jensen doesn't really want to admit to her that he's not entirely checked out on how the whole dating thing works anymore. If he ever really was.
"Hey, Clare. Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
Jensen hesitates. He knows this is really none of his business, but he's curious. "Is Misha still proposing to you?"
Clare looks startled by the question. "Uh, yeah."
"What's keeping you from saying yes?"
"Honestly?" Clare wrinkles her nose and tilts her head at him. "You repeat this, Ackles, and your balls are mine, but. What if it changes things? I like us the way we are."
"Insecurity? From you?" Jensen teases. "I don't buy it."
"I guess we're none of us perfect. No matter how close we may get."
Jensen wraps an arm around her. "That's more like it. And, though I'm about the last person in the world who should be offering relationship advice, I will say this. If you don't want to get married, then you shouldn't. But if you're saying no because you're scared, that's dumb. You're better than that, Clare. If I can't look to you as my beacon of emotional courage, then all hope is lost."
"God help you then, Jensen." Clare laughs and squeezes him. "It's just so traditional."
"So propose to him or something. It's you and Misha. I'm sure you'll come up with a way to shake up the sacred institution." He pulls a suit off of the rack and holds it up. "Saturday Night Fever?"
"No." Clare plucks it out of his hands and hangs it back on the rack.
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