Big Bang 2010: In Becoming Who We Are (3/9)
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On Jeff's birthday, Jensen wakes him up with a blowjob, which he thinks is generally more appreciated than breakfast in bed. It doesn't last all that long. By the time Jeff is fully awake, he's pulling Jensen off and coming against his chest and throat. "Happy Birthday," Jensen says. He slides out of bed and goes into the bathroom to clean off, his own erection still tenting his boxers.
Jeff only groans in response.
When Jensen goes back into the room he grabs Jeff's card off of the dresser and tosses it at him, then sits at the foot of the bed and waits for him to open it. He's been excited about this present since he thought of it, has been nearly giddy with anticipation for weeks.
"Did you realize it's only seven?" Jeff asks as he pushes himself into a sitting position. "On a Sunday. On my birthday."
"Last time I blow you awake." Jensen bounces and points at the card. "Open it. Then you can show your gratitude by returning the favor."
"Hmph." Jeff opens the envelope and pulls the card out. His eyebrows shoot up as the tickets fall in his lap. He picks them up and studies them. "These are for today," he says.
"Yep."
"These are right behind home plate. Jesus, Jensen. These tickets are pornographic." Jeff looks at him, stunned.
"Yep." Jensen is grinning so wide his face hurts. "I know people." Technically, Misha is the one who actually knows people, but Jensen knows Misha, so it works. He will never ever ask how Misha got those tickets. "Game four. Tonight they sweep the Angels."
The tickets themselves are great, but the fact that the Mariners have won fourteen of their eighteen games so far this season makes it even better. Jeff has been like a little kid at Christmas every time they play.
"Come here." Jeff sets the card and tickets aside and crooks his finger at Jensen.
Jensen crawls slowly up the bed and stops when he's straddling Jeff's hips, sitting up on his knees. Jeff wraps his arms around Jensen's waist and pulls him close so that he can press kisses into Jensen's belly. "I believe you said something about returning a favor?"
"Yeah." Jensen hangs his head back and threads his fingers through Jeff's hair as Jeff nips at his stomach.
"On your back, then, sweetheart," Jeff says as he tugs Jensen's boxers down. "This sort of gratitude takes time."
Hence the seven a.m. wake-up call, Jensen thinks happily as he flops back down on the bed.
Despite his continued belief that baseball is boring and a little ridiculous, Jensen couldn't have asked for a better game. Not only did they sweep the Angels, it was a complete shut-out. The seats were fantastic and they ended up glutting themselves on garlic fries to the extent where Jensen is sure they'll both reek of it for days.
The only awkward moment was when the woman next to Jeff asked him if he and his son came to many games.
"No, unfortunately the finer points of baseball are lost on him," Jeff said, patting Jensen's knee. "But he was good enough to treat his old man to a game on his birthday."
"That's sweet." The woman smiled at them both before turning her attention back to the field.
"You are one sick fuck," Jensen said under his breath. Jeff only laughed and left his hand on Jensen's knee.
"Seriously!" Jensen throws up his arms in exasperation as they walk back to the car afterwards. "Who in their right mind would think you look like my dad?"
"Maybe she just wanted to think that, Jen." Jeff pulls Jensen against his side briefly and kisses the top of his head. "I had a good time today. Thank you."
"You're welcome."
Jensen waits until they're actually on their way home to bring up the second part of his present. "So," he says, nervously tapping his fingers against his knee. "We've been together for nearly a year now."
Jeff glances at him quickly before turning his attention back to traffic. "Yeah, I guess we have."
"So I was thinking." Jensen shifts lower in his seat, spreading his knees a little wider. "Since we've been together for that long and we're exclusive and we're both clean. I was thinking that maybe we could, uh, forgo the condoms for awhile. Maybe."
It's not something he's ever done before or even really considered. Jensen's grown up with the importance of Safe Gay Sex pounded into his skull, but they are clean and they are exclusive and Jensen wants it so bad it's become his new favorite jerk-off fantasy. Next to him Jeff is completely silent, his gaze intent on the road. "Jeff?"
"You want. You'd want that?" Jeff finally asks, his voice definitely sounding strained.
"God yes," Jensen says in a rush. "I can't stop thinking about it, how good it would feel to have you-"
"Jensen," Jeff cuts in sharply. He takes a deep breath and doesn't look Jensen's direction at all. "If you want that to happen, then you're going to have to stop talking now and let me get us home in one piece. Christ."
"Okay." Jensen bites his lip and bounces his knee in anticipation. "Happy birthday," he adds.
"Just shut the hell up," Jeff says, laughing in a way that does not sound amused at all.
As soon as they walk in the door, Jeff slaps his ass and says, "Upstairs and undressed. I'll be up in a minute." Then he turns his attention to Bisou, who is sitting patiently at his feet. "Hungry, girl?"
Jensen takes the stairs two at a time. He undresses quickly, has been hard the entire drive home. Once he's naked, he pulls back the covers, climbs on the bed and leans back against the headboard. When Jeff walks in, still fully dressed save for his shoes, Jensen is lightly stroking his cock, grinning. "I couldn't find a bow."
Jeff shakes his head, walks over to the bed and stops when he's right next to Jensen, slowly bends over and opens the nightstand drawer to pull out the bottle of lube out. He sets it on the nightstand with a dull thud and then peels off his shirt. Undoes his jeans at a maddeningly slow pace and pushes them down as Jensen watches. His cock is dark red and completely hard. Jensen is tempted to lean forward and suck the head into his mouth, but before he can follow through on the instinct, Jeff takes a step back and says, "Lie down."
Two seconds later, Jensen is flat on his back, his thighs splayed wide in invitation. Jeff chuckles and says, "You obey better than Bisou."
"Oh fuck you," Jensen says, but there's no real heat behind it. He's already panting and Jeff hasn't even touched him yet.
"You know what I think?" Jeff grabs the bottle of lube and flips the lid, squirting some into his hand before sitting on the edge of bed. "I think you enjoy being such a Goddamn tease when you know I can't do anything about it." He brushes his fingers against Jensen's balls, making Jensen jump. "Grab your legs, sweetheart."
Jensen brings his legs up, gripping the backs of his thighs right above his knees. He's never sure if Jeff asks him to do this because he likes it or because he knows how much Jensen does, holding himself open while Jeff fingers him until his whole body is shaking. "It's only teasing if I don't intend to follow through," he grits out. "I always intend to follow through."
"That right?" Jeff smiles and Jensen isn't paying enough attention to anything else, so the quick, stinging slap on his ass surprises him completely. His cock twitches hard in response. "Don't kid yourself. You tease me plenty," Jeff says. "Or maybe you really don't consider this teasing, huh?" He circles Jensen's hole with his thumb and then presses in and out a few times, slow shallow thrusts that do nothing but drive Jensen up a wall.
"Jeff." Jensen manages to keep the whine out of his voice, but just barely. Jeff pulls his thumb out completely, then slides it back in again. "Yeah, okay. You win. Point taken. Just please. Please."
"Glad we're in agreement here." Jeff leans forward and kisses the inside of Jensen's thigh as he slides two fingers into his body. "So easy and willing for me," Jeff says against Jensen's skin as he twists his fingers, driving Jensen out of his mind. "You're so fucking gorgeous."
"Jeff, c'mon." Normally Jensen would be good with this kind of torture, but he's been thinking about this for too long. He's already riding the razor edge of his want and this sort of over-stimulation is more than he can take right now. "Please." He nearly sobs in relief when Jeff's fingers slide out of him and he crawls onto the bed.
"Alright, sweetheart. I've got you," Jeff whispers.
No more warning than that and he's pressing in, hot, slick slide into Jensen's body and it's incredible. Jensen's eyes fly open and Jeff is right there, his face twisted like it's painful. Jensen lets go of his legs and presses them against Jeff's side, digging his heels into Jeff's back as Jeff bottoms out.
Jensen grabs the back of Jeff's neck and pulls him down for a kiss, more of a clash of teeth and lips than anything else and they end up panting against each other, both of them too shaky for a moment to do anything else.
"Jensen," Jeff whispers. No teasing or dirty comments, just his name. Jensen nods and brushes another kiss against Jeff's lips. That seems to snap Jeff out of it and he pulls away and then slides back home, making Jensen grunt with the force of it.
There's no more hesitation in Jeff's movements as he thrusts into Jensen, steady and perfect, just rough enough to make Jensen's entire body light up with it. Like Jeff was born with an inherent knowledge of how to make Jensen's toes curl. Jensen is like a junkie when Jeff fucks him, jittery and needy, desperate pleasure pulsing through him with each snap of Jeff's hips.
"So hot, perfect," Jeff growls out. "Jesus, Jen. You're fucking made for this." Sometimes Jensen thinks he could come from that alone, the filthy things that come out of Jeff's mouth during sex. "You wanna feel me come inside you, huh? Been thinking about it?"
"Fuck. Yes." Jensen arches against him, his fingers digging into Jeff's shoulders. They're both close, way too soon but Jensen figured this first time wasn't going to last that long no matter what.
"Say it."
"I want to feel you come," Jensen begs. He can't even pretend he's not begging. "Wanna feel your load leaking out of me after. Fuck. Please."
As soon as the words are out of his mouth, it's happening. He can feel Jeff's cock pulsing inside of him and Jensen reaches down to fist his own dick, jerking desperately, two or three times and he's there too. Jeff groans and Jensen's body tightens around him and covers Jensen's hand with his own, milking the last dribbles of come out of him until they're both sticky with it.
Jeff slides out easily, messy and wet with no condom to worry about. "How does it feel?" He kisses Jensen's neck gently, his hand still stroking though the mess on Jensen's stomach.
"Weird," Jensen admits. "Good, but." He jerks in surprise when Jeff moves his hand down and presses two fingers back into him.
"Just need to feel you like this. All sloppy and open for me. Jesus."
Jensen twitches and manages a pained laugh. "Fucking hell, Morgan. Are you trying to kill me?"
Jeff huffs against Jensen's skin and slips his fingers out. "Just wishing I had the recoup time of a sixteen year-old again." He leans back and kisses Jensen, oddly tender. "You're incredible."
There's something there beyond his words, Jensen's pretty sure, but he's okay leaving it at that. "Happy Birthday."
"Jensen." Jeff kisses him again, doesn't say anything else.
In the months between Christmas and graduation, Jensen sees Misha a grand total of five times and each time he looks more frazzled and stressed than the last.
"I've been sleeping in your bedroom," Clare told him one Saturday when they were out for coffee. "I'm there until he's done. He's driving me crazy."
"He's pretty stressed?"
Clare snorted. "And Harry Potter is sort of popular."
"Really stressed." Jensen nodded. "Got it."
So he's expecting Misha to take some time after graduation and unwind. Maybe take a trip to Europe. Or, because it's Misha, join the Peace Corps or something. What he doesn't expect is the phone call that weekend where Misha tells him he's selling the house.
"Like, now?" Jensen asks, ignoring Jeff's questioning look as he sits down at the kitchen table.
"Yeah. I found a place a few blocks down that's for sale. Smaller, really nice. Doesn't need too much work and Clare loves it." There's a pause and then Misha says, "Jensen? Are you okay?"
"Fine. I just. How soon do you need me to be out by? I haven't even started looking." His mind is already working. Fremont is starting to get pretty expensive to live without roommates, but he has some friends from school that are living down in Ballard.
Misha laughs in his ear. "Jensen," he says calmly, like Jensen's very existence is a trial of his everlasting patience. "When is the last time you slept here?"
"I-" Jensen starts, then snaps his mouth shut because he actually can't remember.
"I appreciate the rent money, don't get me wrong, but I'm pretty sure you can find cheaper storage space. I don't think you'll have trouble finding a place to live."
Jeff is still watching him, so Jensen can't really discuss it at the moment. "Just let me know when you have a date, okay? We'll talk about it later."
"Sure thing." Misha laughs and hangs up on Jensen without saying goodbye.
"Everything alright?" Jeff asks as Jensen sets his phone down.
"Yeah, uh. Misha's selling the house, so I have to find a new place," Jensen says, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm thinking maybe Ballard."
"Jensen." Jeff hesitates and then sits down across from him. "There's an obvious solution here and I'm not sure if you're avoiding it because it's not what you want or because you think it's not what I want. I'm not sure which is preferable."
"It's not that, either of those." Jensen looks down at his hands, uncertain as to what it actually is. "It's a step, right?" he asks, looking up at Jeff. "Like, it's a step and I guess I don't want it to be a default one."
"I guess we should have talked about it sooner." Jeff rubs his hand over his beard, considering. "I want you to be here, Jensen. For no other reason than I like having you around. If it would make you feel more comfortable having your own place, then you should do that, but it seems like a waste of money to me."
"How much for rent? I'm not going to live off of you, Jeff. I have a job," he says in response to Jeff's frown. He already has a hard enough time getting Jeff to let him chip in for the groceries that they both eat.
"Two hundred a month on top of half the utilities and food," Jeff finally says and Jensen rolls his eyes. "Hear me out. I make good money, enough to cover both of our expenses free and clear. You're still just starting out. Now is the time when you should get in the habit of saving your money. Two hundred a month on the caveat that you put the rest into your IRA and savings. You still want to buy a car, right?"
Jensen nods.
"So start saving for that. I'm not willing to let you break the bank out of some stupid sense of pride or obligation." Jeff folds his hands together and leans back in his chair. "Those are my conditions. You think you can handle that?"
"Yeah." Jensen grins, feels a stupid, giddy rush at the prospect of them actually living together. "I think I can make that work."
"Good." Jeff grins back at him. "Of course, I will expect sex on demand."
"Yeah?" Jensen laughs. "Funny. I was just going to say the same thing."
It's weird how time seems to fluctuate. When Jensen was in school, each day, hour, minute seemed to drag by until finals week and then sleep was a luxury nobody had time for. Now the months slip by without too much notice.
Misha's house sells in a matter of weeks and soon after Misha comes to him with an obscenely large cashier's check. "What you paid in rent, plus interest," Misha says when Jensen stares at him, boggled. "Everyone gets their share. I doubled my money easily." Jeff still won't agree to let Jensen pay more in rent, so he sacks the money away in his savings account and starts researching cars.
The Mariners' winning season dies a painful death in the fall and Jensen spends several days tiptoeing around Jeff's bad mood. Jeff makes up for it by getting them tickets for the Apple Cup in November. Jensen isn't really a diehard Husky so much as he loves football for football's sake and the epic rivalry between UW and WSU always makes for a fun game. Jeff clearly hates every minute of it, but he bears it without complaint. The Huskies win and Jensen rewards Jeff in creatively dirty ways as soon as they get home.
Jensen stays in Seattle for Thanksgiving and has dinner with Jeff's family. After that, it's easier to call his mom and tell her he won't be home for Christmas. He even manages to tell her he's seeing someone.
"Oh," she says. "Is it serious?"
"We're living together," Jensen tells her quietly.
"How long?"
"Mom." Let it go. Leave it alone. Please.
She doesn't ask again and their weekly phone calls turn into monthly ones.
He and Jeff end up going to Hawaii for Christmas and New Years. They stay on Oahu in a condo owned by some friend of Jeff's. It's a nice vacation, not too hot, beautiful and relaxing and Jensen regrets having to return to Seattle's grey, dreary winter at the end of it.
Somehow it feels like they skipped the holidays completely. They didn't bother with New Year's Eve at all, though if he were hard-pressed, Jensen is pretty sure he rang in 2002 bent in half with his legs hooked over Jeff's shoulders. He's definitely had worse.
For all of Jensen's planning, he's not quite sure how he ended up here in this easy day-to-day existence. Sure, his job is not deeply satisfying, but most days he is happy and he thinks that for now, it's enough.
"How's married life treating you?" Misha asks. He takes a sip of his chai latte and then winces because it's as hot as it was thirty seconds ago. After several months of not seeing each other, they've manage to set up a coffee man-date at least once a month.
"I can't complain. Things are good." Jensen grins, unable to stop himself. "Thinking about biting the bullet with Clare?"
"Just need to get her to say yes."
"I think you have to ask first."
Misha looks startled at that. "I have."
"Shut up," Jensen says. "When did you ask?"
"I've proposed to her every six moths for three years now," Misha says matter-of-factly, like that's not completely insane. "She's either waiting until she's done with school or until I come up with a proposal she's completely satisfied with."
"You're telling me you've proposed to Clare six times now and she's shot you down every time?" Jensen is pretty sure he can feel the beginnings of a headache. "How did I not know this?"
"You never asked."
Jensen shakes his head. "And you're okay with that? Her turning you down? It doesn't affect your relationship at all?"
"She doesn't ever turn me down. She just says 'not yet.'" Misha shrugs. "I can wait."
"For how long?"
When Misha smiles, there's not a trace of self-doubt there. "For as long as it takes, my friend. Some things you just know."
"Yeah, I guess," Jensen says, but for a long, strange moment, he feels like he has no idea what Misha's talking about at all.
The weather turns nice the first week in April and Jensen gets off the bus a few stops earlier than he usually does to enjoy the sun while it's there. When he gets home, Jeff isn't there yet so he feeds Bisou and checks the fridge to see what they can have for dinner.
It's pretty sparse, so it's going to be takeout, pasta or a trip to the grocery store. He checks the clock and wonders if that's where Jeff is now. It's not completely unheard of for him to work late, but he generally calls if that's the case. Jensen checks his phone, but there are no missed calls. He sighs and goes into the living room and flips on the TV. Luckily, he ate a late lunch, so he can wait for Jeff to get home to make a call on dinner.
Twenty minutes later, he hears the front door open and close, but instead of calling out or coming in to say hi, Jeff goes directly upstairs. It's weird enough for Jensen to get up and investigate.
Jeff is standing in the middle of their bedroom, staring blankly at the bed, his hand over his mouth. He actually jumps when Jensen touches his shoulder, like he had no idea Jensen was in the room.
"Hey, it's just me. What's going on?"
"Hey, Jensen." Jeff closes his eyes and shakes his head like he's trying to clear his mind. "Long day."
"Jeff, come on. You're kind of freaking me out here." So much so that he's startled when Jeff reaches out and pulls him close, kisses him rough and dirty, slightly off somehow.
"Bad day. Nothing to worry about," Jeff says against his mouth. He bites at Jensen's bottom lip, tugging gently until Jensen opens up to him.
"Promise?" Jensen asks when Jeff stops kissing him long enough to remove their shirts.
"It's looking better and better all the time." Jeff tugs Jensen's pants open and pushes them down over his hips.
Jensen undresses the rest of the way, tripping and finally sitting down on the bed because he still has his shoes on. By the time he manages to untangle himself, Jeff is naked as well, still slightly foreign in a way Jensen can't place as he slicks lube over his dick, beautiful and obscene.
"Down," Jeff says, pushing Jensen's shoulder so that he's lying across the bed sideways. When Jensen tries to move back to make room for Jeff, Jeff grabs his legs to stop him. "Just like that, sweetheart."
Jeff runs his finger over Jensen's hole, slips it in just enough to spread the lube around and then he grabs Jensen's ass, lifting his hips off the bed. Jensen feels weirdly vulnerable, his legs spread and hooked over Jeff's arms with nothing to grab but the blankets underneath him as Jeff spreads him with his thumbs and nudges in.
As soon as he's in, Jeff rocks into him hard, jostling the bed and knocking breathy grunts out of Jensen with each thrust. He doesn't say anything and Jensen twists his hands in the blankets, trying desperately to figure out what he's supposed to do with this new dynamic. He tries to relax into it, to concentrate on how good it feels. The angle is perfect and the tip of Jensen's cock is rubbing slick over his stomach. He's right on the edge, but not able to push himself over with Jeff silent above him, his eyes squeezed shut like he's actually trying to block Jensen out.
"Jeff, come on." Jensen says it like he's urging him for more, harder, but what he really means is, fucking look at me.
It works. Jeff's eyes snap open and he grins down at Jensen, easy and familiar. "Bring yourself off for me, sweetheart," he says. "I wanna see it. Always so pretty."
Jensen arches back and fists his cock, jacking in time with Jeff's movements until it's too much, his body tense and shaking as he finally shoots. He strokes himself through it, strings of come hitting his stomach and coating his fist.
"Good boy," Jeff says, his eyes dark as he watches Jensen. "Just like that."
He comes a minute later with a wordless groan, his hips stuttering until he finally slips out, lets Jensen slump back on the bed. Jensen doesn't move right away, choosing to stay there until he's caught his breath, staring blankly at the ceiling. He listens to Jeff moving around, in and out of the bathroom. When he finally sits up, Jeff is at the dresser pulling on a pair of sweats.
"I'll go see about dinner," Jeff says without looking at him as he heads out the door.
"Okay." Jensen's not sure Jeff heard him. He gets no response either way.
After a few minutes, Jensen gets up and goes into the bathroom and gets in the shower. Turns the water on as hot as he can take and just stands under the stream for awhile. Jensen has had a lot of sex since he was a teenager and most of it has been just that. Sex. Getting off with someone else who also wants to get off. This is the first time Jensen has ever felt dirty about it and he's completely bewildered as to why. He feels stupid and cheap and embarrassed that he's making a big deal about it at all, even if it's only in his own head.
When the water starts to turn tepid, Jensen washes quickly and gets out. There's spaghetti waiting for him when he gets downstairs and they eat in the living room without talking. Jensen does the dishes when they're done and then yells, "I'm going to bed now," from the kitchen. It's absurd, not even eight o'clock yet, but Jensen can't go back in there and sit when he feels this raw and pathetic.
"Jensen," Jeff says and Jensen can hear him getting up.
"We'll talk tomorrow, okay?" He jogs upstairs before Jeff can respond.
It's not half an hour before Jeff comes up. Jensen has his back to the hall and Jeff doesn't say anything, just slips into the bathroom and closes the door. A moment later the shower kicks on and Jensen tries to will himself to sleep in the five minutes he knows Jeff will be in there.
Of course, he's still awake when Jeff comes out. He listens with his eyes closed as Jeff moves around the room. Can picture him perfectly as he pulls on a pair of clean boxers and dumps his sweats in the hamper.
Jensen tries not to tense up when Jeff crawls into bed, but he's not completely successful. Jeff wraps his arm around him anyway, drags him back against his body and kisses his neck.
"I'm sorry," he finally whispers, and Jensen has to swallow around the lump in his throat. "I'm sorry. I had a shitty day and I took it out on you." Jeff kisses Jensen's neck again. "It was stupid and inexcusable. You didn't deserve that."
When Jensen trusts himself enough to speak he turns to face Jeff. "It wasn't bad. The sex. It just-" The corner of his mouth twitches up in his attempt to smile. "It wasn't you."
"I know." Jeff strokes his thumb down Jensen's throat and kisses his ear, his cheek, the corner of his mouth.
Jensen turns to catch Jeff's mouth in an actual kiss, groans when Jeff's tongue slips past his lips. Whatever the earlier weirdness was, it's gone completely as Jeff rolls them so that he's braced over Jensen, his fingers carding through Jensen's hair as they kiss. Jeff kisses and pets him until the last of the tension drains from Jensen's body and he actually starts to feel tired.
Jeff smiles against his neck when Jensen turns his head to yawn. "Go to sleep," he says, kissing Jensen one last time. "Tomorrow's Friday."
"Thank God," Jensen says around another yawn. Jeff settles back behind him, still idly stroking down the length of Jensen's arm as Jensen drifts to sleep.
He thinks he hears Jeff whisper, "Love you, kid." In the morning, he's convinced that part was a dream.
"So, I was thinking." Jensen sits in Jeff's lap and wraps his arms around his neck like Jensen is a much smaller person. Jeff grunts and eyes him with amusement. "Your birthday is coming up. I'm not sure I can outdo last year."
"Thank God." Jeff wraps his arm around Jensen's waist and squeezes. "If you tried to outdo last year, I'm not sure I'd survive it." He tugs Jensen down for a kiss and then shoves him off of his lap and onto the couch. "You're not light."
Jensen laughs and settles back on his elbows, stretching his legs across Jeff's lap. "Anyway, I was thinking that we should keep it low-key instead. Play hooky from work. Stay in bed all day."
"Yeah?" Jeff arches an eyebrow at him and smiles. "I think I can manage that."
"Good. I already requested the time off." Jensen hops off the couch, but Jeff grabs his wrist before he can walk away and pulls him to stand between his knees.
"How is it that you plan these things for my birthday, but you didn't let me do anything for yours?"
"I don't know. I don't really care about my birthday." He'd never liked the attention growing up, always more than he'd wanted as an introverted kid and not quite enough as the middle child. It was easier to just ignore it altogether. "The last one I really celebrated ended badly."
"Twenty-first?" Jeff asks and Jensen grins.
"We can celebrate next year when I turn twenty-five. We'll go rent a car. It'll be awesome."
Jeff laughs and lets him go. "I'll make sure my schedule's clear."
"Good." Jensen takes a step back and smiles wide. "I'll make sure I'm all stretched and limber."
"You little shit!" Jeff calls out as Jensen laughs and walks back into the kitchen.
Jensen had made sure to turn his alarm off the night before, so he can't figure out where the ringing is coming from until he hears Jeff say, "Hello?"
"Kill," Jensen says as Jeff slides out of bed, talking to whomever in a low, hushed tone.
When he wakes up again it's because Jeff's mouth is moving over his cock, perfect wet heat that makes Jensen think he's dreaming for a minute. "Your birthday," he pants. "Pretty sure this goes the other way."
Jeff only hums and presses three slick fingers inside Jensen, moving his lips over him in a way that has Jensen torn on whether he wants to thrust up into his mouth or down onto his hand. He's still half asleep and completely happy to go along with whatever the hell Jeff wants, fucking him open with his fingers until Jensen comes in his mouth, twitching as Jeff swallows around him.
"Gonna fuck you now," Jeff whispers, nudging Jensen's thighs wider.
"Yeah."
Jensen wraps his arms around Jeff's neck, kisses him lazily as Jeff pushes into him slick and easy. He feels completely lethargic, sensual pleasure weighting down his limbs and Jeff's rhythm suits that perfectly. It's all slow long kisses and the roll of Jeff's hips. Jensen can taste himself in Jeff's mouth and he thinks he could do this for hours. Jeff comes somewhere in between kisses, too soon for Jensen to get hard again, but that's okay. They have the entire day to themselves.
"I have to go."
"What?" Jensen blinks his eyes open and frowns at Jeff's back as he gets out of bed. "What do you mean?"
"That was work that called earlier. Something came up. Some stupid error in the printing that should have been fixed weeks ago and now I have to go clean it up."
"It can't wait a day?" Jensen sits up and grabs Jeff's arm before he can walk away. "Come on. What's the point of being the boss if you can't delegate this shit?"
Jeff leans over and kisses him. "Unfortunately, this is a result of my delegation." He gently pries Jensen's hand away and goes into the bathroom and starts the shower.
For a moment, Jensen is tempted to go in there and join him, but he's feeling petulant and bratty, so he stays in bed to pout.
"I'm sorry," Jeff says when he comes back into the bedroom, towel wrapped around his waist. "I'll try and be as fast as possible. It should only take a couple of hours." He pulls on his jeans and a T-shirt and then comes over and kisses the top of Jensen's head. "Get some more sleep and I'll be back before you know it."
"Yeah, okay," Jensen says grumpily. "I'll be here all naked in bed, waiting for you."
"I'll keep that in mind." Jeff winks at him.
"Maybe I won't wait for you!" Jensen calls after him as he jogs downstairs.
A moment later the front door opens and closes and Jensen flops down in bed. This was definitely not part of his plan.
When eleven o'clock rolls around and Jeff still isn't back, Jensen tries calling him, only to see Jeff's phone light up where he left it on the nightstand. So he decides to shower and gets dressed. His stomach is growling and he figures it wouldn't be out of line to head down to Jeff's office and see if he can't at least slip out for lunch.
The bus ride takes about twenty minutes, so Jensen gets there just before noon. Allie, the receptionist, is just getting ready to take her lunch break when Jensen walks in. "Hey, Allie!"
"Jensen!" She smiles at him. "I didn't expect to see you today. Did Jeff forget something?"
"What do you mean?" Jensen stops short, confused by the question. "Isn't he here?"
"No. He took the day off." Allie's smile slowly falls. "I thought you guys had plans."
"I-Yeah." Jensen wipes his hand over his face, a knot of anxiety forming in his stomach. "He hasn't been in at all?"
"I'm sorry, Jensen." Allie shakes her head at him helplessly. "Last I heard, he was taking the whole day off."
"Oh. Okay." Jensen forces a laugh and shakes his head. "He got a call this morning. I just assumed it was work. I was still mostly asleep. Didn't even think to call him and double check. Sorry."
"No problem. If he stops by, do you want me to tell him-"
"No." Jensen cuts her off and smiles hastily. "Chances are he's already back at home wondering where the hell I am. I'll catch you later."
"Bye, Jensen," Allie says as he walks out the door.
It's after four when Jeff finally gets home. Jensen has spent the last three hours sitting at the kitchen table, staring into space, half his mind working at convincing himself that there's a reasonable explanation, the other half coming up with worst case scenarios. It's not his most productive afternoon.
"Sorry," Jeff says. "I didn't expect it to take that long."
Jensen frowns at his hands for a moment before saying, "I went to see if you wanted to have lunch. So I know you weren't at the office." He looks up at Jeff then. Jeff, whose expression is carefully blank. "Tell me there's a reason and I swear, I won't ask. I'll let it go. Just tell me..."
Jeff closes his eyes, leans back against the counter and doesn't say a word.
"Okay." Jensen blows out a breath. "So where were you today?"
"A couple of weeks ago I ran into the guy I dated before you." Jeff doesn't open his eyes as he says it.
"Tom?" Jensen pulls the name from his memory. The guy he trusted Jeff too much to ask about. Then his mind catches on the first part of that sentence and he thinks about that stupid afternoon. "A couple weeks ago?"
He knows by the way Jeff flinches that he's right. "Jensen-"
"So you ran into Tom and what?" Jensen asks sharply. He really doesn't want to hear another apology for that right now.
"He called this morning. Wanted to wish me a happy birthday. He asked if I was free to get a cup of coffee."
"And you said yes."
Jeff looks at him then. Nods slowly and Jensen finds himself nodding back.
"You said yes, came back to bed, fucked me, lied to me and went out to meet your ex."
"Jensen-"
"Okay!" Jensen stands up suddenly. He can't be sitting for the rest of this conversation. "Okay. So." He runs a shaky hand though his hair. "So, you did that and then stayed out all day with him?"
"Nothing happened," Jeff says quietly.
Jensen looks at him incredulously. "Define nothing."
"I didn't sleep with him."
"Well gold star for you on your show of restraint."
"Jensen, I'm sorry," Jeff says sharply. "It was stupid. I know that."
"Oh, fuck you, Jeff! You don't get to be upset here." Jensen feels sick, completely humiliated when he thinks about it directly. About Jeff running into his ex and then coming home and fucking Jensen like he was some kid he'd picked up off the street. He actually wants to hit Jeff, punch him right in the face but he's not at all sure at the moment that Jeff wouldn't hit him back.
"Dammit!" He turns and punches the wall instead, apparently over a stud because the plaster only gives a little before the jolt of pain that runs up his arm and into his shoulder. "Fuck." He hisses through his teeth and cradles his arm against his chest.
"Jesus, Jensen." Jeff takes a step toward him. "Let me see your hand."
"Don't." Jensen jerks away and winces at the new flare of pain. "Christ. Don't touch me." He straightens and walks past Jeff, out of the kitchen. "I have to go now." He's not even sure if he has his wallet on him, but he can't stop to check. He just needs to get out of the house.
"Please, Jensen," Jeff says quietly. "Don't leave."
Jensen stops, but doesn't turn back around. "Don't ask me to stay unless you're absolutely sure that's what you want." He waits. Longer than he knows he should, but for a moment he hopes. "Right," he says, mostly to himself. "I'm gonna go now." He doesn't bother to slam the door behind him.
It's nearly dark by the time Misha and Clare get home. Jensen has no idea how long he's been sitting on their porch. Long enough that his ass is numb. "I need a place to stay," he tells their shoes when they stop in front of him.
"Okay," Misha says immediately. "Why don't we go inside?"
Jensen sits on the couch and a moment later, there's a beer in his hand. "Got anything stronger?" he asks, frowning at the bottle.
"I can get something," Misha says. "Whiskey? Tequila?"
"Whiskey'd be good."
"I can do that. Looks like you've got some blood on your knuckles." Misha sounds only mildly curious.
"It's fine." Jensen lifts his other arm when Clare sits next to him on the couch and drops it over her shoulders as she snuggles into his side.
"Do you need me to pick up some clothes and stuff as well?"
"Yeah," Jensen says, his voice coming out cracked. He clears his throat and tries again. "Yeah, that'd be good."
"I'll be back in awhile."
It's Clare who nods in response. Jensen just sits there while she takes the beer out of his hand and sets it aside.
Jensen is out on the deck when Misha gets back. At some point, Clare's warm, comforting presence became confining and he had to go outside. Misha sits down quietly as he hands over a glass of whiskey.
"So I guess you got the story?"
"His version, anyway." Jensen can feel Misha's gaze on him. "Says they didn't have sex."
"You of all people should know that doesn't-" Jensen looks at him long enough to ask, "Do you really think that makes a difference?"
Misha doesn't answer that. "Is it that you can't forgive him or that you can?"
"Neither. It's." Jensen clenches his jaw until the flare in his chest dies down and he can trust himself to draw a breath that isn't shaky and stuttered. "It's that after two years, he didn't know whether or not he wanted me to stay."
"You going to be alright?" Misha says after awhile.
"Yes." Jensen forces out a laugh. "Jesus, it's not the end of the world."
"Just feels like it." That startles Jensen enough to look up. Misha is nodding to himself staring out into the middle distance. He smirks without looking at Jensen and says, "I've had my heart broken before."
"That what this is?" Jensen looks away again, down at the glass of whiskey before finally taking as sip. He closes his eyes as it slides down his throat. "Here I thought it was just my hand."
"About that. You're going to let me take you to the doctor at some point, right?"
Jensen nods. "We can go tomorrow. Tonight I just..." He shrugs and takes another drink.
"Want it to hurt?"
"Yeah." Jensen smiles without humor. "Something like that. Did you grab my phone by any chance?"
"I did. Do you want it?"
"No." Jensen shakes his head. "No. I want you to hide it from me. I plan on getting very drunk now and if you could hide all the phones, actually, that would be good."
"For what it's worth, I think he expects you to come back once you've cooled off."
"I don't think, uh." Jensen squeezes his eyes shut and goes to rub them before he remembers he still has his contacts in. "It was so easy for him to lie. Work emergency he needed to handle personally. Stupid Jensen won't figure it out." God, he feels so stupid. "I don't think that's something I can cool off from."
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah." Jensen laughs and takes another drink. "Yeah, me too."
Misha puts his hand on Jensen's shoulder and doesn't say anything more.
Next
On Jeff's birthday, Jensen wakes him up with a blowjob, which he thinks is generally more appreciated than breakfast in bed. It doesn't last all that long. By the time Jeff is fully awake, he's pulling Jensen off and coming against his chest and throat. "Happy Birthday," Jensen says. He slides out of bed and goes into the bathroom to clean off, his own erection still tenting his boxers.
Jeff only groans in response.
When Jensen goes back into the room he grabs Jeff's card off of the dresser and tosses it at him, then sits at the foot of the bed and waits for him to open it. He's been excited about this present since he thought of it, has been nearly giddy with anticipation for weeks.
"Did you realize it's only seven?" Jeff asks as he pushes himself into a sitting position. "On a Sunday. On my birthday."
"Last time I blow you awake." Jensen bounces and points at the card. "Open it. Then you can show your gratitude by returning the favor."
"Hmph." Jeff opens the envelope and pulls the card out. His eyebrows shoot up as the tickets fall in his lap. He picks them up and studies them. "These are for today," he says.
"Yep."
"These are right behind home plate. Jesus, Jensen. These tickets are pornographic." Jeff looks at him, stunned.
"Yep." Jensen is grinning so wide his face hurts. "I know people." Technically, Misha is the one who actually knows people, but Jensen knows Misha, so it works. He will never ever ask how Misha got those tickets. "Game four. Tonight they sweep the Angels."
The tickets themselves are great, but the fact that the Mariners have won fourteen of their eighteen games so far this season makes it even better. Jeff has been like a little kid at Christmas every time they play.
"Come here." Jeff sets the card and tickets aside and crooks his finger at Jensen.
Jensen crawls slowly up the bed and stops when he's straddling Jeff's hips, sitting up on his knees. Jeff wraps his arms around Jensen's waist and pulls him close so that he can press kisses into Jensen's belly. "I believe you said something about returning a favor?"
"Yeah." Jensen hangs his head back and threads his fingers through Jeff's hair as Jeff nips at his stomach.
"On your back, then, sweetheart," Jeff says as he tugs Jensen's boxers down. "This sort of gratitude takes time."
Hence the seven a.m. wake-up call, Jensen thinks happily as he flops back down on the bed.
Despite his continued belief that baseball is boring and a little ridiculous, Jensen couldn't have asked for a better game. Not only did they sweep the Angels, it was a complete shut-out. The seats were fantastic and they ended up glutting themselves on garlic fries to the extent where Jensen is sure they'll both reek of it for days.
The only awkward moment was when the woman next to Jeff asked him if he and his son came to many games.
"No, unfortunately the finer points of baseball are lost on him," Jeff said, patting Jensen's knee. "But he was good enough to treat his old man to a game on his birthday."
"That's sweet." The woman smiled at them both before turning her attention back to the field.
"You are one sick fuck," Jensen said under his breath. Jeff only laughed and left his hand on Jensen's knee.
"Seriously!" Jensen throws up his arms in exasperation as they walk back to the car afterwards. "Who in their right mind would think you look like my dad?"
"Maybe she just wanted to think that, Jen." Jeff pulls Jensen against his side briefly and kisses the top of his head. "I had a good time today. Thank you."
"You're welcome."
Jensen waits until they're actually on their way home to bring up the second part of his present. "So," he says, nervously tapping his fingers against his knee. "We've been together for nearly a year now."
Jeff glances at him quickly before turning his attention back to traffic. "Yeah, I guess we have."
"So I was thinking." Jensen shifts lower in his seat, spreading his knees a little wider. "Since we've been together for that long and we're exclusive and we're both clean. I was thinking that maybe we could, uh, forgo the condoms for awhile. Maybe."
It's not something he's ever done before or even really considered. Jensen's grown up with the importance of Safe Gay Sex pounded into his skull, but they are clean and they are exclusive and Jensen wants it so bad it's become his new favorite jerk-off fantasy. Next to him Jeff is completely silent, his gaze intent on the road. "Jeff?"
"You want. You'd want that?" Jeff finally asks, his voice definitely sounding strained.
"God yes," Jensen says in a rush. "I can't stop thinking about it, how good it would feel to have you-"
"Jensen," Jeff cuts in sharply. He takes a deep breath and doesn't look Jensen's direction at all. "If you want that to happen, then you're going to have to stop talking now and let me get us home in one piece. Christ."
"Okay." Jensen bites his lip and bounces his knee in anticipation. "Happy birthday," he adds.
"Just shut the hell up," Jeff says, laughing in a way that does not sound amused at all.
As soon as they walk in the door, Jeff slaps his ass and says, "Upstairs and undressed. I'll be up in a minute." Then he turns his attention to Bisou, who is sitting patiently at his feet. "Hungry, girl?"
Jensen takes the stairs two at a time. He undresses quickly, has been hard the entire drive home. Once he's naked, he pulls back the covers, climbs on the bed and leans back against the headboard. When Jeff walks in, still fully dressed save for his shoes, Jensen is lightly stroking his cock, grinning. "I couldn't find a bow."
Jeff shakes his head, walks over to the bed and stops when he's right next to Jensen, slowly bends over and opens the nightstand drawer to pull out the bottle of lube out. He sets it on the nightstand with a dull thud and then peels off his shirt. Undoes his jeans at a maddeningly slow pace and pushes them down as Jensen watches. His cock is dark red and completely hard. Jensen is tempted to lean forward and suck the head into his mouth, but before he can follow through on the instinct, Jeff takes a step back and says, "Lie down."
Two seconds later, Jensen is flat on his back, his thighs splayed wide in invitation. Jeff chuckles and says, "You obey better than Bisou."
"Oh fuck you," Jensen says, but there's no real heat behind it. He's already panting and Jeff hasn't even touched him yet.
"You know what I think?" Jeff grabs the bottle of lube and flips the lid, squirting some into his hand before sitting on the edge of bed. "I think you enjoy being such a Goddamn tease when you know I can't do anything about it." He brushes his fingers against Jensen's balls, making Jensen jump. "Grab your legs, sweetheart."
Jensen brings his legs up, gripping the backs of his thighs right above his knees. He's never sure if Jeff asks him to do this because he likes it or because he knows how much Jensen does, holding himself open while Jeff fingers him until his whole body is shaking. "It's only teasing if I don't intend to follow through," he grits out. "I always intend to follow through."
"That right?" Jeff smiles and Jensen isn't paying enough attention to anything else, so the quick, stinging slap on his ass surprises him completely. His cock twitches hard in response. "Don't kid yourself. You tease me plenty," Jeff says. "Or maybe you really don't consider this teasing, huh?" He circles Jensen's hole with his thumb and then presses in and out a few times, slow shallow thrusts that do nothing but drive Jensen up a wall.
"Jeff." Jensen manages to keep the whine out of his voice, but just barely. Jeff pulls his thumb out completely, then slides it back in again. "Yeah, okay. You win. Point taken. Just please. Please."
"Glad we're in agreement here." Jeff leans forward and kisses the inside of Jensen's thigh as he slides two fingers into his body. "So easy and willing for me," Jeff says against Jensen's skin as he twists his fingers, driving Jensen out of his mind. "You're so fucking gorgeous."
"Jeff, c'mon." Normally Jensen would be good with this kind of torture, but he's been thinking about this for too long. He's already riding the razor edge of his want and this sort of over-stimulation is more than he can take right now. "Please." He nearly sobs in relief when Jeff's fingers slide out of him and he crawls onto the bed.
"Alright, sweetheart. I've got you," Jeff whispers.
No more warning than that and he's pressing in, hot, slick slide into Jensen's body and it's incredible. Jensen's eyes fly open and Jeff is right there, his face twisted like it's painful. Jensen lets go of his legs and presses them against Jeff's side, digging his heels into Jeff's back as Jeff bottoms out.
Jensen grabs the back of Jeff's neck and pulls him down for a kiss, more of a clash of teeth and lips than anything else and they end up panting against each other, both of them too shaky for a moment to do anything else.
"Jensen," Jeff whispers. No teasing or dirty comments, just his name. Jensen nods and brushes another kiss against Jeff's lips. That seems to snap Jeff out of it and he pulls away and then slides back home, making Jensen grunt with the force of it.
There's no more hesitation in Jeff's movements as he thrusts into Jensen, steady and perfect, just rough enough to make Jensen's entire body light up with it. Like Jeff was born with an inherent knowledge of how to make Jensen's toes curl. Jensen is like a junkie when Jeff fucks him, jittery and needy, desperate pleasure pulsing through him with each snap of Jeff's hips.
"So hot, perfect," Jeff growls out. "Jesus, Jen. You're fucking made for this." Sometimes Jensen thinks he could come from that alone, the filthy things that come out of Jeff's mouth during sex. "You wanna feel me come inside you, huh? Been thinking about it?"
"Fuck. Yes." Jensen arches against him, his fingers digging into Jeff's shoulders. They're both close, way too soon but Jensen figured this first time wasn't going to last that long no matter what.
"Say it."
"I want to feel you come," Jensen begs. He can't even pretend he's not begging. "Wanna feel your load leaking out of me after. Fuck. Please."
As soon as the words are out of his mouth, it's happening. He can feel Jeff's cock pulsing inside of him and Jensen reaches down to fist his own dick, jerking desperately, two or three times and he's there too. Jeff groans and Jensen's body tightens around him and covers Jensen's hand with his own, milking the last dribbles of come out of him until they're both sticky with it.
Jeff slides out easily, messy and wet with no condom to worry about. "How does it feel?" He kisses Jensen's neck gently, his hand still stroking though the mess on Jensen's stomach.
"Weird," Jensen admits. "Good, but." He jerks in surprise when Jeff moves his hand down and presses two fingers back into him.
"Just need to feel you like this. All sloppy and open for me. Jesus."
Jensen twitches and manages a pained laugh. "Fucking hell, Morgan. Are you trying to kill me?"
Jeff huffs against Jensen's skin and slips his fingers out. "Just wishing I had the recoup time of a sixteen year-old again." He leans back and kisses Jensen, oddly tender. "You're incredible."
There's something there beyond his words, Jensen's pretty sure, but he's okay leaving it at that. "Happy Birthday."
"Jensen." Jeff kisses him again, doesn't say anything else.
In the months between Christmas and graduation, Jensen sees Misha a grand total of five times and each time he looks more frazzled and stressed than the last.
"I've been sleeping in your bedroom," Clare told him one Saturday when they were out for coffee. "I'm there until he's done. He's driving me crazy."
"He's pretty stressed?"
Clare snorted. "And Harry Potter is sort of popular."
"Really stressed." Jensen nodded. "Got it."
So he's expecting Misha to take some time after graduation and unwind. Maybe take a trip to Europe. Or, because it's Misha, join the Peace Corps or something. What he doesn't expect is the phone call that weekend where Misha tells him he's selling the house.
"Like, now?" Jensen asks, ignoring Jeff's questioning look as he sits down at the kitchen table.
"Yeah. I found a place a few blocks down that's for sale. Smaller, really nice. Doesn't need too much work and Clare loves it." There's a pause and then Misha says, "Jensen? Are you okay?"
"Fine. I just. How soon do you need me to be out by? I haven't even started looking." His mind is already working. Fremont is starting to get pretty expensive to live without roommates, but he has some friends from school that are living down in Ballard.
Misha laughs in his ear. "Jensen," he says calmly, like Jensen's very existence is a trial of his everlasting patience. "When is the last time you slept here?"
"I-" Jensen starts, then snaps his mouth shut because he actually can't remember.
"I appreciate the rent money, don't get me wrong, but I'm pretty sure you can find cheaper storage space. I don't think you'll have trouble finding a place to live."
Jeff is still watching him, so Jensen can't really discuss it at the moment. "Just let me know when you have a date, okay? We'll talk about it later."
"Sure thing." Misha laughs and hangs up on Jensen without saying goodbye.
"Everything alright?" Jeff asks as Jensen sets his phone down.
"Yeah, uh. Misha's selling the house, so I have to find a new place," Jensen says, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm thinking maybe Ballard."
"Jensen." Jeff hesitates and then sits down across from him. "There's an obvious solution here and I'm not sure if you're avoiding it because it's not what you want or because you think it's not what I want. I'm not sure which is preferable."
"It's not that, either of those." Jensen looks down at his hands, uncertain as to what it actually is. "It's a step, right?" he asks, looking up at Jeff. "Like, it's a step and I guess I don't want it to be a default one."
"I guess we should have talked about it sooner." Jeff rubs his hand over his beard, considering. "I want you to be here, Jensen. For no other reason than I like having you around. If it would make you feel more comfortable having your own place, then you should do that, but it seems like a waste of money to me."
"How much for rent? I'm not going to live off of you, Jeff. I have a job," he says in response to Jeff's frown. He already has a hard enough time getting Jeff to let him chip in for the groceries that they both eat.
"Two hundred a month on top of half the utilities and food," Jeff finally says and Jensen rolls his eyes. "Hear me out. I make good money, enough to cover both of our expenses free and clear. You're still just starting out. Now is the time when you should get in the habit of saving your money. Two hundred a month on the caveat that you put the rest into your IRA and savings. You still want to buy a car, right?"
Jensen nods.
"So start saving for that. I'm not willing to let you break the bank out of some stupid sense of pride or obligation." Jeff folds his hands together and leans back in his chair. "Those are my conditions. You think you can handle that?"
"Yeah." Jensen grins, feels a stupid, giddy rush at the prospect of them actually living together. "I think I can make that work."
"Good." Jeff grins back at him. "Of course, I will expect sex on demand."
"Yeah?" Jensen laughs. "Funny. I was just going to say the same thing."
It's weird how time seems to fluctuate. When Jensen was in school, each day, hour, minute seemed to drag by until finals week and then sleep was a luxury nobody had time for. Now the months slip by without too much notice.
Misha's house sells in a matter of weeks and soon after Misha comes to him with an obscenely large cashier's check. "What you paid in rent, plus interest," Misha says when Jensen stares at him, boggled. "Everyone gets their share. I doubled my money easily." Jeff still won't agree to let Jensen pay more in rent, so he sacks the money away in his savings account and starts researching cars.
The Mariners' winning season dies a painful death in the fall and Jensen spends several days tiptoeing around Jeff's bad mood. Jeff makes up for it by getting them tickets for the Apple Cup in November. Jensen isn't really a diehard Husky so much as he loves football for football's sake and the epic rivalry between UW and WSU always makes for a fun game. Jeff clearly hates every minute of it, but he bears it without complaint. The Huskies win and Jensen rewards Jeff in creatively dirty ways as soon as they get home.
Jensen stays in Seattle for Thanksgiving and has dinner with Jeff's family. After that, it's easier to call his mom and tell her he won't be home for Christmas. He even manages to tell her he's seeing someone.
"Oh," she says. "Is it serious?"
"We're living together," Jensen tells her quietly.
"How long?"
"Mom." Let it go. Leave it alone. Please.
She doesn't ask again and their weekly phone calls turn into monthly ones.
He and Jeff end up going to Hawaii for Christmas and New Years. They stay on Oahu in a condo owned by some friend of Jeff's. It's a nice vacation, not too hot, beautiful and relaxing and Jensen regrets having to return to Seattle's grey, dreary winter at the end of it.
Somehow it feels like they skipped the holidays completely. They didn't bother with New Year's Eve at all, though if he were hard-pressed, Jensen is pretty sure he rang in 2002 bent in half with his legs hooked over Jeff's shoulders. He's definitely had worse.
For all of Jensen's planning, he's not quite sure how he ended up here in this easy day-to-day existence. Sure, his job is not deeply satisfying, but most days he is happy and he thinks that for now, it's enough.
"How's married life treating you?" Misha asks. He takes a sip of his chai latte and then winces because it's as hot as it was thirty seconds ago. After several months of not seeing each other, they've manage to set up a coffee man-date at least once a month.
"I can't complain. Things are good." Jensen grins, unable to stop himself. "Thinking about biting the bullet with Clare?"
"Just need to get her to say yes."
"I think you have to ask first."
Misha looks startled at that. "I have."
"Shut up," Jensen says. "When did you ask?"
"I've proposed to her every six moths for three years now," Misha says matter-of-factly, like that's not completely insane. "She's either waiting until she's done with school or until I come up with a proposal she's completely satisfied with."
"You're telling me you've proposed to Clare six times now and she's shot you down every time?" Jensen is pretty sure he can feel the beginnings of a headache. "How did I not know this?"
"You never asked."
Jensen shakes his head. "And you're okay with that? Her turning you down? It doesn't affect your relationship at all?"
"She doesn't ever turn me down. She just says 'not yet.'" Misha shrugs. "I can wait."
"For how long?"
When Misha smiles, there's not a trace of self-doubt there. "For as long as it takes, my friend. Some things you just know."
"Yeah, I guess," Jensen says, but for a long, strange moment, he feels like he has no idea what Misha's talking about at all.
The weather turns nice the first week in April and Jensen gets off the bus a few stops earlier than he usually does to enjoy the sun while it's there. When he gets home, Jeff isn't there yet so he feeds Bisou and checks the fridge to see what they can have for dinner.
It's pretty sparse, so it's going to be takeout, pasta or a trip to the grocery store. He checks the clock and wonders if that's where Jeff is now. It's not completely unheard of for him to work late, but he generally calls if that's the case. Jensen checks his phone, but there are no missed calls. He sighs and goes into the living room and flips on the TV. Luckily, he ate a late lunch, so he can wait for Jeff to get home to make a call on dinner.
Twenty minutes later, he hears the front door open and close, but instead of calling out or coming in to say hi, Jeff goes directly upstairs. It's weird enough for Jensen to get up and investigate.
Jeff is standing in the middle of their bedroom, staring blankly at the bed, his hand over his mouth. He actually jumps when Jensen touches his shoulder, like he had no idea Jensen was in the room.
"Hey, it's just me. What's going on?"
"Hey, Jensen." Jeff closes his eyes and shakes his head like he's trying to clear his mind. "Long day."
"Jeff, come on. You're kind of freaking me out here." So much so that he's startled when Jeff reaches out and pulls him close, kisses him rough and dirty, slightly off somehow.
"Bad day. Nothing to worry about," Jeff says against his mouth. He bites at Jensen's bottom lip, tugging gently until Jensen opens up to him.
"Promise?" Jensen asks when Jeff stops kissing him long enough to remove their shirts.
"It's looking better and better all the time." Jeff tugs Jensen's pants open and pushes them down over his hips.
Jensen undresses the rest of the way, tripping and finally sitting down on the bed because he still has his shoes on. By the time he manages to untangle himself, Jeff is naked as well, still slightly foreign in a way Jensen can't place as he slicks lube over his dick, beautiful and obscene.
"Down," Jeff says, pushing Jensen's shoulder so that he's lying across the bed sideways. When Jensen tries to move back to make room for Jeff, Jeff grabs his legs to stop him. "Just like that, sweetheart."
Jeff runs his finger over Jensen's hole, slips it in just enough to spread the lube around and then he grabs Jensen's ass, lifting his hips off the bed. Jensen feels weirdly vulnerable, his legs spread and hooked over Jeff's arms with nothing to grab but the blankets underneath him as Jeff spreads him with his thumbs and nudges in.
As soon as he's in, Jeff rocks into him hard, jostling the bed and knocking breathy grunts out of Jensen with each thrust. He doesn't say anything and Jensen twists his hands in the blankets, trying desperately to figure out what he's supposed to do with this new dynamic. He tries to relax into it, to concentrate on how good it feels. The angle is perfect and the tip of Jensen's cock is rubbing slick over his stomach. He's right on the edge, but not able to push himself over with Jeff silent above him, his eyes squeezed shut like he's actually trying to block Jensen out.
"Jeff, come on." Jensen says it like he's urging him for more, harder, but what he really means is, fucking look at me.
It works. Jeff's eyes snap open and he grins down at Jensen, easy and familiar. "Bring yourself off for me, sweetheart," he says. "I wanna see it. Always so pretty."
Jensen arches back and fists his cock, jacking in time with Jeff's movements until it's too much, his body tense and shaking as he finally shoots. He strokes himself through it, strings of come hitting his stomach and coating his fist.
"Good boy," Jeff says, his eyes dark as he watches Jensen. "Just like that."
He comes a minute later with a wordless groan, his hips stuttering until he finally slips out, lets Jensen slump back on the bed. Jensen doesn't move right away, choosing to stay there until he's caught his breath, staring blankly at the ceiling. He listens to Jeff moving around, in and out of the bathroom. When he finally sits up, Jeff is at the dresser pulling on a pair of sweats.
"I'll go see about dinner," Jeff says without looking at him as he heads out the door.
"Okay." Jensen's not sure Jeff heard him. He gets no response either way.
After a few minutes, Jensen gets up and goes into the bathroom and gets in the shower. Turns the water on as hot as he can take and just stands under the stream for awhile. Jensen has had a lot of sex since he was a teenager and most of it has been just that. Sex. Getting off with someone else who also wants to get off. This is the first time Jensen has ever felt dirty about it and he's completely bewildered as to why. He feels stupid and cheap and embarrassed that he's making a big deal about it at all, even if it's only in his own head.
When the water starts to turn tepid, Jensen washes quickly and gets out. There's spaghetti waiting for him when he gets downstairs and they eat in the living room without talking. Jensen does the dishes when they're done and then yells, "I'm going to bed now," from the kitchen. It's absurd, not even eight o'clock yet, but Jensen can't go back in there and sit when he feels this raw and pathetic.
"Jensen," Jeff says and Jensen can hear him getting up.
"We'll talk tomorrow, okay?" He jogs upstairs before Jeff can respond.
It's not half an hour before Jeff comes up. Jensen has his back to the hall and Jeff doesn't say anything, just slips into the bathroom and closes the door. A moment later the shower kicks on and Jensen tries to will himself to sleep in the five minutes he knows Jeff will be in there.
Of course, he's still awake when Jeff comes out. He listens with his eyes closed as Jeff moves around the room. Can picture him perfectly as he pulls on a pair of clean boxers and dumps his sweats in the hamper.
Jensen tries not to tense up when Jeff crawls into bed, but he's not completely successful. Jeff wraps his arm around him anyway, drags him back against his body and kisses his neck.
"I'm sorry," he finally whispers, and Jensen has to swallow around the lump in his throat. "I'm sorry. I had a shitty day and I took it out on you." Jeff kisses Jensen's neck again. "It was stupid and inexcusable. You didn't deserve that."
When Jensen trusts himself enough to speak he turns to face Jeff. "It wasn't bad. The sex. It just-" The corner of his mouth twitches up in his attempt to smile. "It wasn't you."
"I know." Jeff strokes his thumb down Jensen's throat and kisses his ear, his cheek, the corner of his mouth.
Jensen turns to catch Jeff's mouth in an actual kiss, groans when Jeff's tongue slips past his lips. Whatever the earlier weirdness was, it's gone completely as Jeff rolls them so that he's braced over Jensen, his fingers carding through Jensen's hair as they kiss. Jeff kisses and pets him until the last of the tension drains from Jensen's body and he actually starts to feel tired.
Jeff smiles against his neck when Jensen turns his head to yawn. "Go to sleep," he says, kissing Jensen one last time. "Tomorrow's Friday."
"Thank God," Jensen says around another yawn. Jeff settles back behind him, still idly stroking down the length of Jensen's arm as Jensen drifts to sleep.
He thinks he hears Jeff whisper, "Love you, kid." In the morning, he's convinced that part was a dream.
"So, I was thinking." Jensen sits in Jeff's lap and wraps his arms around his neck like Jensen is a much smaller person. Jeff grunts and eyes him with amusement. "Your birthday is coming up. I'm not sure I can outdo last year."
"Thank God." Jeff wraps his arm around Jensen's waist and squeezes. "If you tried to outdo last year, I'm not sure I'd survive it." He tugs Jensen down for a kiss and then shoves him off of his lap and onto the couch. "You're not light."
Jensen laughs and settles back on his elbows, stretching his legs across Jeff's lap. "Anyway, I was thinking that we should keep it low-key instead. Play hooky from work. Stay in bed all day."
"Yeah?" Jeff arches an eyebrow at him and smiles. "I think I can manage that."
"Good. I already requested the time off." Jensen hops off the couch, but Jeff grabs his wrist before he can walk away and pulls him to stand between his knees.
"How is it that you plan these things for my birthday, but you didn't let me do anything for yours?"
"I don't know. I don't really care about my birthday." He'd never liked the attention growing up, always more than he'd wanted as an introverted kid and not quite enough as the middle child. It was easier to just ignore it altogether. "The last one I really celebrated ended badly."
"Twenty-first?" Jeff asks and Jensen grins.
"We can celebrate next year when I turn twenty-five. We'll go rent a car. It'll be awesome."
Jeff laughs and lets him go. "I'll make sure my schedule's clear."
"Good." Jensen takes a step back and smiles wide. "I'll make sure I'm all stretched and limber."
"You little shit!" Jeff calls out as Jensen laughs and walks back into the kitchen.
Jensen had made sure to turn his alarm off the night before, so he can't figure out where the ringing is coming from until he hears Jeff say, "Hello?"
"Kill," Jensen says as Jeff slides out of bed, talking to whomever in a low, hushed tone.
When he wakes up again it's because Jeff's mouth is moving over his cock, perfect wet heat that makes Jensen think he's dreaming for a minute. "Your birthday," he pants. "Pretty sure this goes the other way."
Jeff only hums and presses three slick fingers inside Jensen, moving his lips over him in a way that has Jensen torn on whether he wants to thrust up into his mouth or down onto his hand. He's still half asleep and completely happy to go along with whatever the hell Jeff wants, fucking him open with his fingers until Jensen comes in his mouth, twitching as Jeff swallows around him.
"Gonna fuck you now," Jeff whispers, nudging Jensen's thighs wider.
"Yeah."
Jensen wraps his arms around Jeff's neck, kisses him lazily as Jeff pushes into him slick and easy. He feels completely lethargic, sensual pleasure weighting down his limbs and Jeff's rhythm suits that perfectly. It's all slow long kisses and the roll of Jeff's hips. Jensen can taste himself in Jeff's mouth and he thinks he could do this for hours. Jeff comes somewhere in between kisses, too soon for Jensen to get hard again, but that's okay. They have the entire day to themselves.
"I have to go."
"What?" Jensen blinks his eyes open and frowns at Jeff's back as he gets out of bed. "What do you mean?"
"That was work that called earlier. Something came up. Some stupid error in the printing that should have been fixed weeks ago and now I have to go clean it up."
"It can't wait a day?" Jensen sits up and grabs Jeff's arm before he can walk away. "Come on. What's the point of being the boss if you can't delegate this shit?"
Jeff leans over and kisses him. "Unfortunately, this is a result of my delegation." He gently pries Jensen's hand away and goes into the bathroom and starts the shower.
For a moment, Jensen is tempted to go in there and join him, but he's feeling petulant and bratty, so he stays in bed to pout.
"I'm sorry," Jeff says when he comes back into the bedroom, towel wrapped around his waist. "I'll try and be as fast as possible. It should only take a couple of hours." He pulls on his jeans and a T-shirt and then comes over and kisses the top of Jensen's head. "Get some more sleep and I'll be back before you know it."
"Yeah, okay," Jensen says grumpily. "I'll be here all naked in bed, waiting for you."
"I'll keep that in mind." Jeff winks at him.
"Maybe I won't wait for you!" Jensen calls after him as he jogs downstairs.
A moment later the front door opens and closes and Jensen flops down in bed. This was definitely not part of his plan.
When eleven o'clock rolls around and Jeff still isn't back, Jensen tries calling him, only to see Jeff's phone light up where he left it on the nightstand. So he decides to shower and gets dressed. His stomach is growling and he figures it wouldn't be out of line to head down to Jeff's office and see if he can't at least slip out for lunch.
The bus ride takes about twenty minutes, so Jensen gets there just before noon. Allie, the receptionist, is just getting ready to take her lunch break when Jensen walks in. "Hey, Allie!"
"Jensen!" She smiles at him. "I didn't expect to see you today. Did Jeff forget something?"
"What do you mean?" Jensen stops short, confused by the question. "Isn't he here?"
"No. He took the day off." Allie's smile slowly falls. "I thought you guys had plans."
"I-Yeah." Jensen wipes his hand over his face, a knot of anxiety forming in his stomach. "He hasn't been in at all?"
"I'm sorry, Jensen." Allie shakes her head at him helplessly. "Last I heard, he was taking the whole day off."
"Oh. Okay." Jensen forces a laugh and shakes his head. "He got a call this morning. I just assumed it was work. I was still mostly asleep. Didn't even think to call him and double check. Sorry."
"No problem. If he stops by, do you want me to tell him-"
"No." Jensen cuts her off and smiles hastily. "Chances are he's already back at home wondering where the hell I am. I'll catch you later."
"Bye, Jensen," Allie says as he walks out the door.
It's after four when Jeff finally gets home. Jensen has spent the last three hours sitting at the kitchen table, staring into space, half his mind working at convincing himself that there's a reasonable explanation, the other half coming up with worst case scenarios. It's not his most productive afternoon.
"Sorry," Jeff says. "I didn't expect it to take that long."
Jensen frowns at his hands for a moment before saying, "I went to see if you wanted to have lunch. So I know you weren't at the office." He looks up at Jeff then. Jeff, whose expression is carefully blank. "Tell me there's a reason and I swear, I won't ask. I'll let it go. Just tell me..."
Jeff closes his eyes, leans back against the counter and doesn't say a word.
"Okay." Jensen blows out a breath. "So where were you today?"
"A couple of weeks ago I ran into the guy I dated before you." Jeff doesn't open his eyes as he says it.
"Tom?" Jensen pulls the name from his memory. The guy he trusted Jeff too much to ask about. Then his mind catches on the first part of that sentence and he thinks about that stupid afternoon. "A couple weeks ago?"
He knows by the way Jeff flinches that he's right. "Jensen-"
"So you ran into Tom and what?" Jensen asks sharply. He really doesn't want to hear another apology for that right now.
"He called this morning. Wanted to wish me a happy birthday. He asked if I was free to get a cup of coffee."
"And you said yes."
Jeff looks at him then. Nods slowly and Jensen finds himself nodding back.
"You said yes, came back to bed, fucked me, lied to me and went out to meet your ex."
"Jensen-"
"Okay!" Jensen stands up suddenly. He can't be sitting for the rest of this conversation. "Okay. So." He runs a shaky hand though his hair. "So, you did that and then stayed out all day with him?"
"Nothing happened," Jeff says quietly.
Jensen looks at him incredulously. "Define nothing."
"I didn't sleep with him."
"Well gold star for you on your show of restraint."
"Jensen, I'm sorry," Jeff says sharply. "It was stupid. I know that."
"Oh, fuck you, Jeff! You don't get to be upset here." Jensen feels sick, completely humiliated when he thinks about it directly. About Jeff running into his ex and then coming home and fucking Jensen like he was some kid he'd picked up off the street. He actually wants to hit Jeff, punch him right in the face but he's not at all sure at the moment that Jeff wouldn't hit him back.
"Dammit!" He turns and punches the wall instead, apparently over a stud because the plaster only gives a little before the jolt of pain that runs up his arm and into his shoulder. "Fuck." He hisses through his teeth and cradles his arm against his chest.
"Jesus, Jensen." Jeff takes a step toward him. "Let me see your hand."
"Don't." Jensen jerks away and winces at the new flare of pain. "Christ. Don't touch me." He straightens and walks past Jeff, out of the kitchen. "I have to go now." He's not even sure if he has his wallet on him, but he can't stop to check. He just needs to get out of the house.
"Please, Jensen," Jeff says quietly. "Don't leave."
Jensen stops, but doesn't turn back around. "Don't ask me to stay unless you're absolutely sure that's what you want." He waits. Longer than he knows he should, but for a moment he hopes. "Right," he says, mostly to himself. "I'm gonna go now." He doesn't bother to slam the door behind him.
It's nearly dark by the time Misha and Clare get home. Jensen has no idea how long he's been sitting on their porch. Long enough that his ass is numb. "I need a place to stay," he tells their shoes when they stop in front of him.
"Okay," Misha says immediately. "Why don't we go inside?"
Jensen sits on the couch and a moment later, there's a beer in his hand. "Got anything stronger?" he asks, frowning at the bottle.
"I can get something," Misha says. "Whiskey? Tequila?"
"Whiskey'd be good."
"I can do that. Looks like you've got some blood on your knuckles." Misha sounds only mildly curious.
"It's fine." Jensen lifts his other arm when Clare sits next to him on the couch and drops it over her shoulders as she snuggles into his side.
"Do you need me to pick up some clothes and stuff as well?"
"Yeah," Jensen says, his voice coming out cracked. He clears his throat and tries again. "Yeah, that'd be good."
"I'll be back in awhile."
It's Clare who nods in response. Jensen just sits there while she takes the beer out of his hand and sets it aside.
Jensen is out on the deck when Misha gets back. At some point, Clare's warm, comforting presence became confining and he had to go outside. Misha sits down quietly as he hands over a glass of whiskey.
"So I guess you got the story?"
"His version, anyway." Jensen can feel Misha's gaze on him. "Says they didn't have sex."
"You of all people should know that doesn't-" Jensen looks at him long enough to ask, "Do you really think that makes a difference?"
Misha doesn't answer that. "Is it that you can't forgive him or that you can?"
"Neither. It's." Jensen clenches his jaw until the flare in his chest dies down and he can trust himself to draw a breath that isn't shaky and stuttered. "It's that after two years, he didn't know whether or not he wanted me to stay."
"You going to be alright?" Misha says after awhile.
"Yes." Jensen forces out a laugh. "Jesus, it's not the end of the world."
"Just feels like it." That startles Jensen enough to look up. Misha is nodding to himself staring out into the middle distance. He smirks without looking at Jensen and says, "I've had my heart broken before."
"That what this is?" Jensen looks away again, down at the glass of whiskey before finally taking as sip. He closes his eyes as it slides down his throat. "Here I thought it was just my hand."
"About that. You're going to let me take you to the doctor at some point, right?"
Jensen nods. "We can go tomorrow. Tonight I just..." He shrugs and takes another drink.
"Want it to hurt?"
"Yeah." Jensen smiles without humor. "Something like that. Did you grab my phone by any chance?"
"I did. Do you want it?"
"No." Jensen shakes his head. "No. I want you to hide it from me. I plan on getting very drunk now and if you could hide all the phones, actually, that would be good."
"For what it's worth, I think he expects you to come back once you've cooled off."
"I don't think, uh." Jensen squeezes his eyes shut and goes to rub them before he remembers he still has his contacts in. "It was so easy for him to lie. Work emergency he needed to handle personally. Stupid Jensen won't figure it out." God, he feels so stupid. "I don't think that's something I can cool off from."
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah." Jensen laughs and takes another drink. "Yeah, me too."
Misha puts his hand on Jensen's shoulder and doesn't say anything more.
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