It's been awhile...
Dlj,
So it's been awhile. I guess I havnt felt like I wanted to open up the world that blogging does for me. I say that because I only blog when I'm going through extreme emotions, or I'm really really bored.
I'm so confused in this stage of my 'love life'. I'm slowly realizing that it's going to be a 'long way to happy.' I moved on so fast from John because I was hurting so bad, I just wanted to distract myself. I realize now, after Bob, that I can't do it again. I don't know why it shattered me so much worse than my breakup with John. Maybe because I never processed anything with John, therefore the breakup with Robert contains both sets of heartbreak. I don't want to miss him anymore. I don't want to check his myspace to see what his status is. I dont want to get caught up in that world again. He wanted to talk the other night. I had so much to scream at him, yet no words to show how i was feeling, how he made me feel. I came up with some random crap about how i moved to get away from him, how he's fucked up his life and he'll never change. He cried. It broke my heart to see him crying like that. He said the only thing he wanted was me back. The same shit. I do believe that he does want me back, and he does miss me, i do know he loves me. The problem is that he cant love me in a healthy way. I have to keep reminding myself that life with him is miserable. I'll end up living in a trailor, with no children, and no steady income. I don't want that sort of life. I want a happy life. The kind of life I saw with john or roger. Granted, John was the life I wanted. I didn't care if It was in a big house with nice cars and fancy food. I just wanted Him. Roger, although I was infactuated with him for a period of time, was more of a security, acceptable life. I knew my dad would like him, and that I'd end up living in the same sort of standard that my mother and me lived in at the end. Upper middle class. That was fine by me and it was something I could easily live with. But at the end of the day, he wasnt John, and that was ultimately the poor boys shortcomming.
Robert, though, was a whole different story. He was a sick, twisted man. I hate thinking about this because I end up feeling that I miss him, when ultimately, I miss the familiarity. Why is it that I always am the sucker for the familiarity? What has changed about me since then? Have I really become so jaded that no man will ever meet my standards again? Zach is pretty much my best friend right now, except for Nate, who I only hang out with in a server called Duskwood. Although I feel I can talk to Nate about anything, I don't have that physical knowledge of him. I don't know what it feels like to sit in a room with him, which at times can be important in a friendship. Anyways, back to what I was saying. Zach is pretty much my 'real life' best friend...And he makes me laugh, etc. He's a great guy and is interested in me, but I'm not digging it. Of course theres no way to easily tell him that. I almost wish I was interested, and back a few months ago, I was. Something has changed in me. I want to be that girl that can strip down to my undies and play poker with the guys. I want to be that girl that can flirt to get extra bacon at subway. I want to be that girl who can hug a random guy at the bowling ally because he said my butt looked good. I miss that girl. Granted, listing them like that makes it sound like I miss being some sort of slut mcgee...but at the end of the day, i feel like a dog. I feel like a dog that has been trained that such things are WRONG. That to do those means you don't have love for the person you are with. I feel so alone when it comes to romance because I am so in love with my captor. For christs sakes, he beat the living shit out of me at least once every 3 weeks. I was too scared to go to friends, because of the previous squabbles. Such as a night me and bob had been arguing and I left and took santuary at trav and jens house. That was acceptable to me. I was safe there, he had no idea where I was. But to call them while in tears in the hallway because he had thrown me down and beat the shit out of me.....It didnt seem right. They are such amazing people, and I didn't want to bring them into this world of 'little girl's stupidity,' The night he wanted to 'talk' he layed on my bathroom floor and was in tears saying he wanted to marry me, every face he sees on the street he searches for if it's me. All the things I'd wanted to hear. Then I realized I didnt want to hear them because I didnt want to love him anymore. I wish with all of my heart that knox county would serve him with the restraining order. I want him to HAVE to leave me alone. Eventually I found the courage to tell him 'I want you to let me move on.' I want to move on. I've never been the kind of girl to stay single. Ever. I've always hopped from one relationship to the next and rebound after rebound always seemed to end in long relationships. I cant find anyone that I want to open up to now. I dont want to be put in this hell ever again. I know I need time to heal, but I don't know how. Talking about it just ends up with me saying the same shit and not feeling any different. I wish I had of taken the time I should of to get over john and heal. Then I would know what the hell I'm ment to be doing this time. Nobody seems to realize how hard it is to kick a love I always knew was kinda wrong. It seems like I can't go an hour without thinking about him, or a day without someone bringing up his name. I tried telling Randy how hard it was. The only thing I can do is revert back to my 16 year old self, cuss a lot and tell him he doesnt understand. I just pretty much had to leave it at 'it's so much easier when he tries to hurt me.'
Thats the problem...He doesnt try and hurt me. The lion on the hunt never roars. Of course he's going to be sweet when he wants me back. But thats the thing, I dont WANT to WANT him anymore. I tell everyone 'I dont ever want that asshole back!' in hopes that eventually, I'll actually feel that way. How does one stop wanting someone? I know I shouldnt of allowed him to come over and talk because I should of known he wouldnt be saying mean things, he'd be saying all those things that I'd love to hear. I wish I was still close with john. Not to be with him, but just to be friends again. That way I could ask him 'how the hell did you do that with me?' I know it must of hurt him a lot to leave me, god knows we had the most intoxicating love i've ever known. I say intoxicating because it was amazing, but toxic to both of us. But he did it. He left me and cut me out completely. Granted, i'm still hurting over it, but I want to know how the hell he did it so I can do that with Bob. How do you just turn off loving someone?
I know that this blog is showing all of my weaknesses, and granted i'm sitting here saying 'I want him' over and over. But fuck anyone who reads this and judges me for it. I have a feeling that part of getting over him is being honest when I say that i'm not over him yet. I am so glad that me and sara do not talk anymore, because I already feel like I wouldnt of progressed this far with her influence still in my life. The reason I say that is because I was so focused on HER hearing that I didn't want him back, that I forgot to start healing myself. Sara is a good person at the end of the day. She might have some traits that a lot of people, including myself, don't care for, but she means well. I just cannot have that influence in my life anymore. So worried that my opinions or actions might make her mad. Thats not a friend. We drifted away when we started VU and just never recovered. At the end of the day, I love her, but I don't like her at all. I cannot keep in a friendship where I detest the person's general personality.
I know I need to get into the program again. I need those amazing 12 steps of recovery and the santuary it offers. I'm too scared of the baggage i'll bring with me to the group though. That and the whole issue of having a ride each monday and wednesday night. I should of picked an apartment that was right next to the piggy bank pawn shop, then i could walk, but i figure being a block away from school is probably better. Heh, I'll eventually have a degree that way. No sanity, but moneeeey!
Anyways, I figure this rant is going to be one of many of the same 'wtf is going on in my head' rants, but it's 5:30 AM so I should probably wrap it up and sleep. I can untangle my head some more tommorow.
So it's been awhile. I guess I havnt felt like I wanted to open up the world that blogging does for me. I say that because I only blog when I'm going through extreme emotions, or I'm really really bored.
I'm so confused in this stage of my 'love life'. I'm slowly realizing that it's going to be a 'long way to happy.' I moved on so fast from John because I was hurting so bad, I just wanted to distract myself. I realize now, after Bob, that I can't do it again. I don't know why it shattered me so much worse than my breakup with John. Maybe because I never processed anything with John, therefore the breakup with Robert contains both sets of heartbreak. I don't want to miss him anymore. I don't want to check his myspace to see what his status is. I dont want to get caught up in that world again. He wanted to talk the other night. I had so much to scream at him, yet no words to show how i was feeling, how he made me feel. I came up with some random crap about how i moved to get away from him, how he's fucked up his life and he'll never change. He cried. It broke my heart to see him crying like that. He said the only thing he wanted was me back. The same shit. I do believe that he does want me back, and he does miss me, i do know he loves me. The problem is that he cant love me in a healthy way. I have to keep reminding myself that life with him is miserable. I'll end up living in a trailor, with no children, and no steady income. I don't want that sort of life. I want a happy life. The kind of life I saw with john or roger. Granted, John was the life I wanted. I didn't care if It was in a big house with nice cars and fancy food. I just wanted Him. Roger, although I was infactuated with him for a period of time, was more of a security, acceptable life. I knew my dad would like him, and that I'd end up living in the same sort of standard that my mother and me lived in at the end. Upper middle class. That was fine by me and it was something I could easily live with. But at the end of the day, he wasnt John, and that was ultimately the poor boys shortcomming.
Robert, though, was a whole different story. He was a sick, twisted man. I hate thinking about this because I end up feeling that I miss him, when ultimately, I miss the familiarity. Why is it that I always am the sucker for the familiarity? What has changed about me since then? Have I really become so jaded that no man will ever meet my standards again? Zach is pretty much my best friend right now, except for Nate, who I only hang out with in a server called Duskwood. Although I feel I can talk to Nate about anything, I don't have that physical knowledge of him. I don't know what it feels like to sit in a room with him, which at times can be important in a friendship. Anyways, back to what I was saying. Zach is pretty much my 'real life' best friend...And he makes me laugh, etc. He's a great guy and is interested in me, but I'm not digging it. Of course theres no way to easily tell him that. I almost wish I was interested, and back a few months ago, I was. Something has changed in me. I want to be that girl that can strip down to my undies and play poker with the guys. I want to be that girl that can flirt to get extra bacon at subway. I want to be that girl who can hug a random guy at the bowling ally because he said my butt looked good. I miss that girl. Granted, listing them like that makes it sound like I miss being some sort of slut mcgee...but at the end of the day, i feel like a dog. I feel like a dog that has been trained that such things are WRONG. That to do those means you don't have love for the person you are with. I feel so alone when it comes to romance because I am so in love with my captor. For christs sakes, he beat the living shit out of me at least once every 3 weeks. I was too scared to go to friends, because of the previous squabbles. Such as a night me and bob had been arguing and I left and took santuary at trav and jens house. That was acceptable to me. I was safe there, he had no idea where I was. But to call them while in tears in the hallway because he had thrown me down and beat the shit out of me.....It didnt seem right. They are such amazing people, and I didn't want to bring them into this world of 'little girl's stupidity,' The night he wanted to 'talk' he layed on my bathroom floor and was in tears saying he wanted to marry me, every face he sees on the street he searches for if it's me. All the things I'd wanted to hear. Then I realized I didnt want to hear them because I didnt want to love him anymore. I wish with all of my heart that knox county would serve him with the restraining order. I want him to HAVE to leave me alone. Eventually I found the courage to tell him 'I want you to let me move on.' I want to move on. I've never been the kind of girl to stay single. Ever. I've always hopped from one relationship to the next and rebound after rebound always seemed to end in long relationships. I cant find anyone that I want to open up to now. I dont want to be put in this hell ever again. I know I need time to heal, but I don't know how. Talking about it just ends up with me saying the same shit and not feeling any different. I wish I had of taken the time I should of to get over john and heal. Then I would know what the hell I'm ment to be doing this time. Nobody seems to realize how hard it is to kick a love I always knew was kinda wrong. It seems like I can't go an hour without thinking about him, or a day without someone bringing up his name. I tried telling Randy how hard it was. The only thing I can do is revert back to my 16 year old self, cuss a lot and tell him he doesnt understand. I just pretty much had to leave it at 'it's so much easier when he tries to hurt me.'
Thats the problem...He doesnt try and hurt me. The lion on the hunt never roars. Of course he's going to be sweet when he wants me back. But thats the thing, I dont WANT to WANT him anymore. I tell everyone 'I dont ever want that asshole back!' in hopes that eventually, I'll actually feel that way. How does one stop wanting someone? I know I shouldnt of allowed him to come over and talk because I should of known he wouldnt be saying mean things, he'd be saying all those things that I'd love to hear. I wish I was still close with john. Not to be with him, but just to be friends again. That way I could ask him 'how the hell did you do that with me?' I know it must of hurt him a lot to leave me, god knows we had the most intoxicating love i've ever known. I say intoxicating because it was amazing, but toxic to both of us. But he did it. He left me and cut me out completely. Granted, i'm still hurting over it, but I want to know how the hell he did it so I can do that with Bob. How do you just turn off loving someone?
I know that this blog is showing all of my weaknesses, and granted i'm sitting here saying 'I want him' over and over. But fuck anyone who reads this and judges me for it. I have a feeling that part of getting over him is being honest when I say that i'm not over him yet. I am so glad that me and sara do not talk anymore, because I already feel like I wouldnt of progressed this far with her influence still in my life. The reason I say that is because I was so focused on HER hearing that I didn't want him back, that I forgot to start healing myself. Sara is a good person at the end of the day. She might have some traits that a lot of people, including myself, don't care for, but she means well. I just cannot have that influence in my life anymore. So worried that my opinions or actions might make her mad. Thats not a friend. We drifted away when we started VU and just never recovered. At the end of the day, I love her, but I don't like her at all. I cannot keep in a friendship where I detest the person's general personality.
I know I need to get into the program again. I need those amazing 12 steps of recovery and the santuary it offers. I'm too scared of the baggage i'll bring with me to the group though. That and the whole issue of having a ride each monday and wednesday night. I should of picked an apartment that was right next to the piggy bank pawn shop, then i could walk, but i figure being a block away from school is probably better. Heh, I'll eventually have a degree that way. No sanity, but moneeeey!
Anyways, I figure this rant is going to be one of many of the same 'wtf is going on in my head' rants, but it's 5:30 AM so I should probably wrap it up and sleep. I can untangle my head some more tommorow.