bipolar female syndrome
I think I must be close to bleeding because tonight I became suddenly very emotional.
Well, very depressed and emotional.
Most than a year ago I posted about how I couldn't take being second best. And I realized tonight how many of my arguments have actually played out.
"Not smart enough"
I am currently ranked 29th. Not top 10%
"Not pretty enough"
Still without boyfriend
"Not the...most talented"
Double-casted...wheee
"I don't get the best grades
I don't work the hardest"
obviously
"I don't sing the best"
apparently also obvious
"better at sports than me"
it's not that hard to be
"better at dancing"
I've been sequestered to the sides and back during showcase
That hurt, seeing how all my negativity was, well...accurate.
Then I looked at the comments people left.
"your so smart, your going to get it a prestigious school"
-Chris
uummmm, nope. waitlisted
Then the bipolarness came into play, because then I got more upset because people wrote me some wonderful things, and I realized...I'm leaving them next August.
Yeah, I'm going to Erie. But...I won't make friends like the ones I have. And what happens if I can't keep the ones I have? Because shit happens, and even the closest friends grow apart. No matter how many times you promise to write, there's still a chance that someone will forget to call once, twice, 15 times.
PS - Don't comment and tell me that I am great and pretty and smart.
It is a short term comfort. It's something I needs to learn how to deal with on my own.
Well, very depressed and emotional.
Most than a year ago I posted about how I couldn't take being second best. And I realized tonight how many of my arguments have actually played out.
"Not smart enough"
I am currently ranked 29th. Not top 10%
"Not pretty enough"
Still without boyfriend
"Not the...most talented"
Double-casted...wheee
"I don't get the best grades
I don't work the hardest"
obviously
"I don't sing the best"
apparently also obvious
"better at sports than me"
it's not that hard to be
"better at dancing"
I've been sequestered to the sides and back during showcase
That hurt, seeing how all my negativity was, well...accurate.
Then I looked at the comments people left.
"your so smart, your going to get it a prestigious school"
-Chris
uummmm, nope. waitlisted
Then the bipolarness came into play, because then I got more upset because people wrote me some wonderful things, and I realized...I'm leaving them next August.
Yeah, I'm going to Erie. But...I won't make friends like the ones I have. And what happens if I can't keep the ones I have? Because shit happens, and even the closest friends grow apart. No matter how many times you promise to write, there's still a chance that someone will forget to call once, twice, 15 times.
PS - Don't comment and tell me that I am great and pretty and smart.
It is a short term comfort. It's something I needs to learn how to deal with on my own.