He Did It All For You [Oneshot]
Title: He Did It All For You
Author: erodedveins
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Taoris
Word-count: 1379
Warning: Character death
A/N: This was originally 2 short oneshots. But I posted them together here because.. well. Why the fuck not?
"You're such an inspiration for the way I'll never, ever choose to be."
Harshly, I shoved him out of my apartment. He stumbled clumsily, still only wearing his socks. He wouldn’t look me in the eyes, and I knew it was because he felt guilty. But I didn’t care. I just wanted him to stop ruining my plans. Or what was left of them.
“Stay away from me,” my voice was emotionless. I saw him flinch, and I could only assume he heard the venom behind my words. “Or I’ll kill you too.” His eyes swiveled back to me quickly. I consciously kept my face blank of emotion, to show that I was serious. He swallowed, and suddenly looked incredibly nervous. I smiled internally. He believed me, even though I was lying through my teeth. I never would have been able to kill him.
“Why would you do this to yourself, Kris?” his child-like eyes bored into mine, pleading with me. ‘This isn’t the only option’, they said. I snorted. What a lie.
“It’s not something I can control, you fucking idiot,” my voice was sharp like a whip. “I have felt this way for years. I appreciate that you thought you could change that. I really do, Tao.” I caressed his cheeks with my thumbs. “But it’s not enough. And if you can’t accept that, then you need to leave. Hate me, if you have to. Hate me so much that you won’t care.”
Tao’s eyes filled with tears. I was the one to look away guiltily this time. His tears had always been a weak point for me.
“Okay, then, Kris,” he forced me to look at him. “If I have to hate you, then your last memory of me has to be me crying over you. Telling you that I hate your fucking guts, no matter what happens. That if I even hear you mentioned later on, I will walk away out of anger.” Tao shoved me away then, and even though it hurt, I understood. “Fuck you, Kris. Fuck you for doing this. I hope you know that it won’t be hard for me to hate you.” He was angry, and it was my fault. Even though, like I had told him, it wasn’t something I could control.
I watched him walk away and then went back into my apartment. The sharpened knife that he had wrenched out of my grip and threw across the kitchen was still embedded into the wall where we’d left it. I pulled it free, twirling it in my fingers. This alone, I knew, wouldn’t do the job. I grabbed the pills on the counter and walked to my bedroom.
Killing myself had been a plan of mine for several months now. Life is precious, life is great, blah blah blah. I’ve heard all of that before, and yes. It’s true. But the kind of depression that clung to me felt like a heavy coat that I always wore. Was forced to wear. And I would do anything to escape it.
The knife was only a reassurance that the job got done thoroughly. The pills were what was going to do the trick. Lithium had no known antidote. None at all, and even if someone did find me in time (since I highly suspected Tao of calling an ambulance), there was no guarantee that pumping my stomach would stop the pills from working.
I swallowed all 60 in the bottle, and quickly made several deep slashes on my wrists. I laid down on my bed, looking up at the ceiling.
I didn’t know how much time had passed when I started feeling queasy. I didn’t have a choice but to throw up, but I didn’t panic. It was just my body’s last ditch effort to get rid of the extremely lethal dose of medicine. Not that it would do any good.
The dizziness started some time after the queasiness and combined, it was extremely unpleasant. I started hyperventilating, and then.. my eyes slipped closed. My arms fell to my sides, and I had no control over my body. I released one last breath, and then I was no more.
~~~
The sight of Kris’s body was awful.
Just one last time, Tao had come back. To try to plead with Kris. He didn’t have to do this. He didn’t. They could get him help, he could stay for a short while in a psychiatric ward somewhere.
Immediately, he noticed the knife in the wall was gone. His heart started pounding a little faster, and he tried so hard not to run when he checked the kitchen… the bathroom… and finally, the bedroom.
He took a deep breath before he opened the bedroom door.
The smell of copper hit his nose instantly, and Tao simply froze when his eyes finally landed on Kris’s body.
He was so, so pale. And Tao knew without even trying that if he put his fingers on Kris’s neck, he wouldn’t feel a pulse. Kris was dead. That much was crystal clear.
Tao found that he couldn’t feel a thing.
He didn’t remember calling emergency services, but they were suddenly there. They shined a light in his eyes, seeing how responsive his pupils were, asking him questions, which he oddly forgot as soon as they were spoken. Someone said something about shock, and he felt the prick of a needle in his arm.
Tao woke up in a hospital bed, alone and disoriented. He tried to get out of bed, but before he could, a nurse came in and explained that he’d been given a tranquilizer to help him settle down.
Just like that, the memories of Kris’s body popped into mind, and Tao felt the odd sensation of no feeling settle on his shoulders again. He nodded at all the right places, and he mechanically signed the release forms he was required to sign before he got dressed and left the hospital.
He wondered absentmindedly if Kris’s parents had been informed of his death, and unlocked his phone. He dialed the number that was so familiar to him, and when Kris’s mother answered the phone, Tao knew instantly that they’d been told. Her voice was rough, like she’d been crying, and she sniffled into the phone often. Tao couldn’t feel anything.
“Mrs. Wu… I’m sorry,” Tao frowned when he heard how emotionless he sounded. Almost like he was tired, but he felt extremely well-rested. Kris’s mother sobbed loudly when she heard Tao’s voice.
“Huang Zitao, how could you let this happen?! You were supposed to be there for him,” Tao’s heart stopped, and he swallowed the lump that was in his throat. He clutched his chest, where he should be feeling pain. Should be, but wasn’t.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered before he hung up. He hurried back to his apartment, where he sat alone, occasionally having instances of not being able to breathe.
Kris’s parents flew from Canada to Korea to have the funeral, and Tao met them at the airport. Even though Kris’s mother had yelled at him, Tao loved her as he loved his own mother. When she saw him standing there waiting for her and her husband, her eyes filled with tears and she ran to embrace him.
Tao was disconcerted when he still couldn’t feel anything.
The funeral was a few days later. Kris looked better than the last time Tao had seen him, but the image was ruined by earlier memories of gashes and vomit everywhere.
Surely, Tao thought, seeing Kris in his coffin would bring tears, and pain. But no. All he felt was indifference, and maybe a hint of acceptance that Kris was gone. Gone for good.
He wished he could feel. He wanted to feel bothered that people were shooting him nasty looks, that people were asking if he even cared that Kris was dead.
Instead, he turned to them with empty eyes, and tried to muster up some kind of emotion to put in his voice only to find that he couldn’t. He couldn’t even sound emotional. He shook his head, and wanted to explain, but he knew no one would understand.
Long after the funeral, Tao stood in front of Kris’s grave and promised to keep his promise. If, that is, he ever regained the ability to feel.
Author: erodedveins
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Taoris
Word-count: 1379
Warning: Character death
A/N: This was originally 2 short oneshots. But I posted them together here because.. well. Why the fuck not?
"You're such an inspiration for the way I'll never, ever choose to be."
Harshly, I shoved him out of my apartment. He stumbled clumsily, still only wearing his socks. He wouldn’t look me in the eyes, and I knew it was because he felt guilty. But I didn’t care. I just wanted him to stop ruining my plans. Or what was left of them.
“Stay away from me,” my voice was emotionless. I saw him flinch, and I could only assume he heard the venom behind my words. “Or I’ll kill you too.” His eyes swiveled back to me quickly. I consciously kept my face blank of emotion, to show that I was serious. He swallowed, and suddenly looked incredibly nervous. I smiled internally. He believed me, even though I was lying through my teeth. I never would have been able to kill him.
“Why would you do this to yourself, Kris?” his child-like eyes bored into mine, pleading with me. ‘This isn’t the only option’, they said. I snorted. What a lie.
“It’s not something I can control, you fucking idiot,” my voice was sharp like a whip. “I have felt this way for years. I appreciate that you thought you could change that. I really do, Tao.” I caressed his cheeks with my thumbs. “But it’s not enough. And if you can’t accept that, then you need to leave. Hate me, if you have to. Hate me so much that you won’t care.”
Tao’s eyes filled with tears. I was the one to look away guiltily this time. His tears had always been a weak point for me.
“Okay, then, Kris,” he forced me to look at him. “If I have to hate you, then your last memory of me has to be me crying over you. Telling you that I hate your fucking guts, no matter what happens. That if I even hear you mentioned later on, I will walk away out of anger.” Tao shoved me away then, and even though it hurt, I understood. “Fuck you, Kris. Fuck you for doing this. I hope you know that it won’t be hard for me to hate you.” He was angry, and it was my fault. Even though, like I had told him, it wasn’t something I could control.
I watched him walk away and then went back into my apartment. The sharpened knife that he had wrenched out of my grip and threw across the kitchen was still embedded into the wall where we’d left it. I pulled it free, twirling it in my fingers. This alone, I knew, wouldn’t do the job. I grabbed the pills on the counter and walked to my bedroom.
Killing myself had been a plan of mine for several months now. Life is precious, life is great, blah blah blah. I’ve heard all of that before, and yes. It’s true. But the kind of depression that clung to me felt like a heavy coat that I always wore. Was forced to wear. And I would do anything to escape it.
The knife was only a reassurance that the job got done thoroughly. The pills were what was going to do the trick. Lithium had no known antidote. None at all, and even if someone did find me in time (since I highly suspected Tao of calling an ambulance), there was no guarantee that pumping my stomach would stop the pills from working.
I swallowed all 60 in the bottle, and quickly made several deep slashes on my wrists. I laid down on my bed, looking up at the ceiling.
I didn’t know how much time had passed when I started feeling queasy. I didn’t have a choice but to throw up, but I didn’t panic. It was just my body’s last ditch effort to get rid of the extremely lethal dose of medicine. Not that it would do any good.
The dizziness started some time after the queasiness and combined, it was extremely unpleasant. I started hyperventilating, and then.. my eyes slipped closed. My arms fell to my sides, and I had no control over my body. I released one last breath, and then I was no more.
~~~
The sight of Kris’s body was awful.
Just one last time, Tao had come back. To try to plead with Kris. He didn’t have to do this. He didn’t. They could get him help, he could stay for a short while in a psychiatric ward somewhere.
Immediately, he noticed the knife in the wall was gone. His heart started pounding a little faster, and he tried so hard not to run when he checked the kitchen… the bathroom… and finally, the bedroom.
He took a deep breath before he opened the bedroom door.
The smell of copper hit his nose instantly, and Tao simply froze when his eyes finally landed on Kris’s body.
He was so, so pale. And Tao knew without even trying that if he put his fingers on Kris’s neck, he wouldn’t feel a pulse. Kris was dead. That much was crystal clear.
Tao found that he couldn’t feel a thing.
He didn’t remember calling emergency services, but they were suddenly there. They shined a light in his eyes, seeing how responsive his pupils were, asking him questions, which he oddly forgot as soon as they were spoken. Someone said something about shock, and he felt the prick of a needle in his arm.
Tao woke up in a hospital bed, alone and disoriented. He tried to get out of bed, but before he could, a nurse came in and explained that he’d been given a tranquilizer to help him settle down.
Just like that, the memories of Kris’s body popped into mind, and Tao felt the odd sensation of no feeling settle on his shoulders again. He nodded at all the right places, and he mechanically signed the release forms he was required to sign before he got dressed and left the hospital.
He wondered absentmindedly if Kris’s parents had been informed of his death, and unlocked his phone. He dialed the number that was so familiar to him, and when Kris’s mother answered the phone, Tao knew instantly that they’d been told. Her voice was rough, like she’d been crying, and she sniffled into the phone often. Tao couldn’t feel anything.
“Mrs. Wu… I’m sorry,” Tao frowned when he heard how emotionless he sounded. Almost like he was tired, but he felt extremely well-rested. Kris’s mother sobbed loudly when she heard Tao’s voice.
“Huang Zitao, how could you let this happen?! You were supposed to be there for him,” Tao’s heart stopped, and he swallowed the lump that was in his throat. He clutched his chest, where he should be feeling pain. Should be, but wasn’t.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered before he hung up. He hurried back to his apartment, where he sat alone, occasionally having instances of not being able to breathe.
Kris’s parents flew from Canada to Korea to have the funeral, and Tao met them at the airport. Even though Kris’s mother had yelled at him, Tao loved her as he loved his own mother. When she saw him standing there waiting for her and her husband, her eyes filled with tears and she ran to embrace him.
Tao was disconcerted when he still couldn’t feel anything.
The funeral was a few days later. Kris looked better than the last time Tao had seen him, but the image was ruined by earlier memories of gashes and vomit everywhere.
Surely, Tao thought, seeing Kris in his coffin would bring tears, and pain. But no. All he felt was indifference, and maybe a hint of acceptance that Kris was gone. Gone for good.
He wished he could feel. He wanted to feel bothered that people were shooting him nasty looks, that people were asking if he even cared that Kris was dead.
Instead, he turned to them with empty eyes, and tried to muster up some kind of emotion to put in his voice only to find that he couldn’t. He couldn’t even sound emotional. He shook his head, and wanted to explain, but he knew no one would understand.
Long after the funeral, Tao stood in front of Kris’s grave and promised to keep his promise. If, that is, he ever regained the ability to feel.