How to be a pathetic waste of space
Ham brought me to Easter service. He teaches Sunday school, right, so he's in there.
I walked into the church. There are so many people.
I tried to find a seat. The ushers wouldn't help me. A woman yelled at me.
Im now in the car sobbing. I can't breathe.
I can't leave the house right. I can't talk to people right. I don't understand the world and I wish I could just die.
The internal struggle in this Jetta is enormous. I really want to go in and prove that I can be a real person and do what is expected... Because someone, somewhere always expects you to do something. If you disagree, you're a disappointment. If you don't understand, you're a traitor. And if you have a problem, God forbid, you should just fuck off and die.
It's been a lousy week. Bad anxiety last night. Bad anxiety today. I feel like an outcast every time I try to interact with other humans. I speak and feel ridiculous. I'm awkward and clumsy and insulting and if I don't play the fool, I have to play the silent one.
There was never a time when life was easier, but I live for those moments when it's just me and the critters. I can't say anything wrong to them. I can't insult them. I can't disappoint them and I would never betray them.
I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm scared. I didn't expect crazy to feel like this. I kind of hate Ham for telling me I'm not, but live him, too. I love my bros for just being there with me and telling me it sucks, but it will be ok. I'm grateful for everyone who understands. Daddy Marc texting me to breathe. Daddy Tooj and pictures of him with his new husband, giving me hope that it's just a tunnel and not a pit. Daddy Mike telling me to seek the universe. Even Yodie has tried to be a calming force, which is somewhat like a razor trying to be snugly. All of my buds letting me text. I'm a lucky mass of crap, for sure.
I just wish that knowing that a dozen people live and understand me was enough to make me feel brave against a world that shuns me.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.