The Wisconsin Trip
Wisconsin was a great adventure. We arrived on the 28th or December and got to see Shannon’s apt. It is on the first floor of this 3 story building in the middle of what both she and Tom called the ‘ghetto part of Milwaukee.’ Leslie and I didn’t think the neighborhood was that bad but we come from Oklahoma and everything looks ghetto. The best thing about this apartment is that there is a garage in the bottom and the ceiling to it is maybe 7 feet high. So it feels claustrophic for me. And when I drove the Jimmy in it bent my antenna down each time we went under a girder.
Anyway Shannon takes us around town and shows us her favorite haunts like the coffee shop she loves to hang out at and that the current guy she has a crush on is sitting in. We then went to a Mexican place called Qdoba and had dinner. We then went back to her apt and set up sleeping situations. It was funny because she said Leslie can sleep with her and I can sleep in the roommate’s room. So Leslie was all worried about having to share a room with this person she just met, let alone share a bed. I was just like, well my family is Catholic and just go with it. Then when we were setting up beds Shannon was like, “You guys believed me? I was just Fucking with you!! Hahahahah” It was great.
Then that Monday we get up and head to Kopp’s for lunch, but it is a different Kopp’s and is out in Pewaukee instead of the one I remember as a kid. The custard is damn good though. Shannon had to go back to work so Leslie, Sean and I get to hang out. We decided to go to the Milwaukee public museum and see if it was anything like when I was a kid. While driving through the city we spot a sign that says “Are you a Butt man?’ I was for butt beer, still very funny to see that in huge letters above the street. We head up there and park at the Hilton since Sean gets a parking discount, and go on to the Museum.
Once there we find out that it is free for Milwaukee country residents on Mondays, so Sean doesn’t have to pay admittance. Leslie and I have to get tickets so I walk up and say “I would like 2 tickets to the Milwaukee public zoo please.” And the ticket lady has this look of “What the fuck did he say?” I realize my mistake and say “Sorry I’m retarded.” And she nods and says “That’s ok dear…..it will be FOURTEEN DOLLARS. Here is your wristband enjoy the MUSEUM.” Just funny as hell.
So we go exploring and see that while the museum has changed quite a bit is was still the same in many ways. It still had the coin funnel where you drop in a coin and watch it race around. It still had the old Milwaukee village, and it still had the walk through time with the T-Rex eating a Triceratops. All in all it still kicked as much ass as when I was a kid. The funny thing is we had the choice to look at the second floor with the Indians and such on it and Leslie and I were like we are pretty Indian’d out. If we want to see Buffalo we can look out in the pastures by our house, and if we want to see Indians we can just go to the bingo halls or casinos. Sean got a kick out of that so we went to the third floor and looked at all the Asian and African stuff. They had this great Japanese sword smith exhibit and a bunch of great Samurai stuff. Some highlights were that Sean just kept leaving fart mines, where he would fart and one of us would walk into it, and Leslie would giggle and nudge me every time she saw a penis in one of the exhibits.
That evening we went out to dinner were we talked about our childhoods and our families and just rehashed old stuff. Then Shannon said we were invited to go hang out at their friend Dan’s house. This was a complete experience. Dan is a blonde curly haired guy who they say is the biggest person in their friend group. He is pretty drunk when we get there but he is a happy and fun guy. While there another friend named Nick and his girlfriend Kristen show up. Nick looks like the typical college frat guy, Kristen is a pretty cute but seems kind of out of it. Nick tells 2 great jokes.
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken
How many homosexuals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
5, 4 to screw it in and one to say FABULOUS!!!
Anyway those two aren’t there for long and then Shannon and Sean’s old roommate Ryan shows up. Ryan is one of those people that just says what is on his mind. Shannon said he calls a spade a spade and that can be funny or annoying as shit. Ryan reminds me of Vince Vaughn, he looks like he is always hiding mischief behind his eyes. That there is something going on in there terribly funny.
The whole time we were up there he was cool as hell. Anyway we watch Die Another Day on Dan’s crazy home entertainment system. The whole time I am like this house is huge and this DVD and TV set up are crazy expensive I wonder what the hell Dan does for a living. Turns out he lives with his parents because he is a serious drunk. That he had to DUIs and can’t legally drive because his license is gone for 2 years. I will say Dan is a funny as drunk. In fact one of the famous Dan stories I hear about is when he was a kid and threw this party where the cops came and busted it up. They went to arrest Dan since it was in his house and the policeman said “Son have you ever been handcuffed before?” and Dan without blinking says “Only to a bedpost officer.” What a great line. Seems like it is out of a movie.
Ryan cracked quite a few jokes while the movie was running and when he heard I was 6’8” he was like JUST 6’8”! That’s not good enough. I was like I was 6’2” when I was 12 and he just looks at me and goes well yeah, I mean me too, that is why I now choose to be 5’9” at 24… So they end up taking pictures of me next to Dan just completely dwarfing him. They all think it is so funny at just how fucking huge I am compared to the rest of them.
It was this night we met Kristen, another one who is a friend of Shannon’s, who is described by her as ‘kind of ditzy.’ Kristen gets lost driving to Dan’s house and when she gets there I can see that yes she is ditzy, yes she is kinda cute in that Jennifer Gray from Dirty Dancing way and that yes I can see why Ryan hates her. Wait if memory serves she showed up before Ryan did. And that ditzed around with Nick and the other Kristen.
Speaking of movies, everyone up there is into watching them and discussing them. Course when it is that cold people have little else to do. Funny thing is it was unseasonably warm while we were there. Most days were high 30s to low 40s. The one thing I noticed is there was no awkwardness to hanging out with most of these people. I felt like they were old friends. Maybe it was because we are alike, Irish Catholic, sarcastic and love movies or maybe it was because most of the people were drunk, I don’t know for sure, but it was nice.
During the day of the 30th we went to go see the Last Samurai and explore Milwaukee. We started out the day at the coffee house Shannon loves and then walked down the street to the movie house. Shannon’s friend Katherine came and joined us. Katherine is a Chinese/American, about 5’10 and just gorgeous. One of those women I could see having a huge crush on/lusting after and a good friendship with, if I lived in Wisconsin. We watch the movie and afterwards she invites us to here New Years party at her house the next night. Leslie and I are unsure what to do. We had always planned on driving back New Years Eve, but here was an invitation to a party and we had no plans for New Years eve so why the hell not?
After the movie we go see the Seminary where Sean is living and get to meet Father Joe who is head of the whole deal. Then Sean took us to the sanctuary to show us where he sometime helps with service. He then explained about relics and 1st, 2nd and 3rd degrees of them .1st being like a part of a holy person, 2nd being something they owned and 3rd being something that was touched by a first or second relic. Something to that effect. All Catholic churches contain a relic of some sort, and its relative power is based on the size of the church. Then we got to be Arch-Bishop Skelna one of the 2 bishops in charge of Milwaukee. That was just very cool to me. It was also moving to be back in a sanctuary. Whenever I am in a Catholic church I feel close to God. I sometimes feel bad that it has been so long since I have been to church. Meh.
After that we went to Lake Michigan and I got to show Leslie what a Great Lake is really like. How it smells and looks like an ocean. It was very nice. Then we all went to Zafiro’s pizza and had some really excellent thin crust pizza. Served to us by this mean old bat who was indignant that we didn’t know they only made thin crust pizza. We then went out to an Irish pub where I had my first glass of Guinness ale, Leslie had a glass of Harp. Guinness is ok just tastes like the beer is about to turn. After the pub we went to this frozen yogurt place and parked in the snow parking, which Leslie thought was funny that they would have snow storage. There was no snow out but normally those spaces are covered completely up. Anyway in the ice cream place I order this peanut butter cup deal and the guy is like “Yogurt or Ice Cream?” and I go “Vanilla!” and he is just looking at me with the “What the fuck!?!?” face. I then realize I am retarded again and say ice cream.
On the day of the 31st we get to hang out with Sean and Ryan for the first part of the day since Shannon has to work. We decide to go to Zafiro’s pizza again and get the same thing as before. While there we notice a Tiny Heiny’s (mini Heinikens) poster and laugh at it and that the same crowd from the night before is still at the bar. It was like a creepy Italian Cheers. Our waitress was a twisted weathered hag of a woman. If you can picture it and seemed like she was pissed to have to be serving anyone. The tables in the place are very close together so while she threads her way around the whole place she yells out “BEHIND YA BEHIND YA!” and just moseys along with her tray. She started doing this when Ryan was coming back from the bathroom and he was like “Ok lady I’m know you’re behind me I’m in front of ya INFRONT OF YA!” She gave him an evil look and then moved on.
Ryan turned to the people across from us and says “Crazy Behind Ya lady, jeez.” And we eat our food and have a good time. Then at the end of the meal the waitress looks over at our table from like 12 feet away and goes “Can I get you anything else?” and I don’t know if she is looking at us. Leslie notices this going and is also confused. The waitress asks again. And we are all kind of like “Who in the hell is she talking to?” She scoots forward and asks even louder. “CAN I GET YA ANYTHING ELSE?” and Ryan is realizes she has been yelling at us the whole time and goes “No lady we are good…sheesh what a BITCH!” and I can see her visibly get annoyed and go back to napkin folding and so on. The people across from us are laughing their ass off and Ryan is smiling.
That night we get to hang out with Kristen and Shannon before the party. Shannon makes us roast chicken and fettuccini alfredo. Leslie and I get to observe just how much of a functional moron Kristen is. She is a conversation parrot. She will say the same thing four of five times before she shuts up and moves on. We have dinner and then Shannon and Kristen primp and get ready to go. We take the Jimmy to the party and listen to Hey-Ya by Outkast on the way there. I get treated to the two girls singing along and to ‘shake it like a Polaroid picture.’
Katherine’s party is on the second floor of this house and she looks even more pretty that night than she did at the theatre. I meet her boyfriend Rick who reminds me of Billy Bob Thornton and Tommy Lee, he is really cool and a great match for her. Plus later I find out he has been doing this informal study of people named Rick or Richard and almost all of them are lefties. I was the first one that he met what wasn’t a total leftie.
Anyway I heard from Shannon that she told her family I was a beast of a man, which Shannon thought was a bad thing but it was that I am huge and a hairy. Anyway I get to meet all of their friends, it is kind of daunting, lots of people I will never see again but still enjoyable. Leslie seems nonplused about the whole thing. As we walk in Kristen turns to Katherine’s brother Jeff and goes “Ooooh look, you guys have a pretty Christmas tree!!” and Jeff without missing a beat says “Yeah turns out I’m not Jewish.” Leslie, Shannon and I bust out laughing and Kristen is left blinking not understanding what is going on.
Jeff is this hip Chinese guy who is maybe a buck ten wet, skinny as hell but quick witted and hilarious to watch. I get to meet their Mom who looks like Miracle Max’s wife and I meet their dad who looks like Sammo Hung and Mister Miyagi’s love child, he works at the baseball stadium and is known for being the hook up for good tickets. In fact he got Shannon the player’s wife tickets for a few Brewer’s games. Everyone just calls him Mr Lee. I then realize that Katherine’s name is Kathy Lee and just chuckle.
While all this is going on some well preened Goomba looking kind of guy shows up. He looks like Joe Piscapo and exudes this feeling of Shooter McGavin from Happy Gilmore. He tells people to call him ‘Big Perm’ and kinda just moves through the party looking at women’s tits and asses and trying to fill his beer from the keg as much as he can. He thought he would be the biggest guy there at like 6’2” but once he sees me his face kind of changes but still it is arrogant as hell. At one point in the party I hear him say to another slime ball there “You know we are the two best looking guys at the party!” I just have to laugh because I don’t think he realizes just how ridiculous he looks. Katherine tells us that he is just some guy that shows up to all their parties and is a friend of a friend that no on likes him but since he doesn’t cause problems and is just kinda slimy they haven’t kicked him out of there. I learn later from other people that there is no depth to his personality and that he spends all the money he makes working at the casino on the river to maintain his big perm lifestyle. The best is when the only girl that will talk to him is Kristen and he tries to impress her with is ‘bling bling’ “Nothing but platinum touches my skin, baby!” Yeah you get the picture.
So Kristen tries to get us to come meet some people she knows, and watching these people talk to her is like watching people when they have to talk to a dentist who is drilling the ever loving shit out of their teeth. They look visibly pained. I learned from an ex or Kristen’s that he thought it was an act but no she is really that dense. Anyway Kristen introduces us to this mousy bespectacled lady and says “These are Shannon’s cousins from OAK-LAH-HO-MAH!” I see this lady wince at each syllable and the first thing she does is “Nice to meet you both and oh I need to check on my purse.” She walks off and I see her find her purse and mutter “Yup still here!” and then moves farther away from Kristen.
Well the party goes on and they dance to the Bare Naked Lady’s song Lets Go Shopping and Karaoke in the living room most of the evening. The dancing shakes the wooden floor like crazy and is just fun to watch. In the Lee family there are 3 kids and the parents. The reason the family is there is that there was another brother (3 boys and Katherine) but he died on New Years 3 to 5 years ago suddenly. He had some congenital birth defect and an artery or vein burst and he just died. So they since then they have this big bash where they celebrate his life and all their lives and just have tons of fun.
As midnight counts down people are getting drunker and rowdier. Some people set off a set of black cats in a paper bag INDOORS. This one drunk guy keeps cheering and feeling up his girlfriend and ends up spilling his drink on Leslie’s pants. She gets mad and wants me to beat his ass, but I think she could take him and that it is just 20 dollar pants, plus what is the point of trashing a drunk person, getting arrested and looking like an ass for something that can wash out? Leslie tells me later she sees my point but still feels I should have beat his ass. Part of me agrees with her. I need to stick up for muh lady more often.
New years arrives me make lots of noise people kiss and sing karaoke and have fun. Around 2 am we try to find out what Sean and Ryan are doing. Dan is in Pewaukee and is finishing up his shift at work. So we decide to go meet at his favorite bar and all hang out. We say good by to Katherine and Rick who tell Leslie that we are more than welcome to crash at there place if we need some place to stay if we are ever in Wisconsin again and head off.
We go get Dan and head to his bar. The bars I find out normally close at 2 am in Wisconsin but because of New Years they are open until 5am. This could spell trouble. At this bar you go in the front door and then up this flight of concrete steps into the bar. Dan rushes over to the counter to and begins to ‘catch up’ with the rest of the revelers there. Shannon and Kristen are pretty plastered. At one point on the drive there Kristen kept saying
“My Butt is on FIE-YUR!”
“My Butt is on FIE-YUR!”
“My Butt is on FIE-YUR!”
“My Butt is on FIE-YUR!”
“My Butt is on FIE-YUR!”
Leslie says “Yes we have established your butt is on fire MOVE ON!” Shannon dances around with some of the people there Kristen walks around drunk convinced that all the pretty girls keep stealing all the cute guys she talks too. And I just survey the whole place.
Sean and Ryan arrive and it feels right. Like the whole crowd is here, that this situation is normal. Anyway we hang out and bullshit and this lady, who looks like Kelly Coffield from In Living Color, in this wool overcoat walks up and smiles at me and touches my bearded face and goes “Fuzzy.” And then just stumbles off. I chuckle at it and don’t really give it any more thought until later she shows up again and is rubbing Leslie’s shoulder and her hand is moving down towards Leslie’s boob. Ryan says “Hey do you know her?” Leslie says “No I sure don’t.” So then Ryan goes, “Hey lady what the HELL are you doin?” and she says “I’m being friendly!” Ryan mulls over this for about a second and says “No your being Fucking weird!” She then leans over and mumbles at Leslie. Leslie leans closer to see what she is saying and the lady kisses her on the cheek. Ryan sees this and says “GO AWAY ALREADY.” And the lady totters off and that is that. Meahwhile I am laughing so hard at seeing this that my mouth hurts I can’t breathe and my eyes are just streaming tears.
It is about this time we notice this ruckus off to our left. Some guys have decided to become rowdy and start fighting. I stand up to see what is going on and help if needed; I am the biggest guy in the whole place. The bouncers are maybe 5’10”. They take this bald guy out and literally throw him down the stairs and then kick and punch him as he tries to crawl back up in to the bar. It was a surreal and cool ass beating. I had never seen one close up and real life. Apparently he got cut off at the bar and got pissy and slugged the owner.
As this is going on they drag some guy up from the lower bar. He cannot walk at all, they prop him up in a chair with an empty pitcher to throw up in, which he does a few times. We decide to leave after seeing all of this. We head out of the bar to see the parking lot full of cops arresting the drunk bald guy and his friend and taking statements from the bouncers and owner. We get in our cars and slink off to Dan’s place. Shannon passes out cold from drinking so much and so in the backseat we have a passed out Shannon, Dan and Kristen. Dan is getting drunk and is kind of molesting Kristen and just being funny and not really paying attention to the road when we need him to tell us how to find his house. Course I am laughing at Kristen because she is pissing off everyone in the car. With
“How’s my Shannon?”
“MY Shannon! How’s My Shannon! How is MY Shannon?”
“She’s my Lesbian lover!”
“Shannon is my Leshbee-ahn lover!”
Leslie has about all of this she can stand and yells at her “Shannon is fine, she is passed out God Damnit. And Yes I know she is your Lesbian lover!” Kristen lets this soak into her alcohol permeated skull and then says.
“Rick you saved me from those guys. You’re my hero.”
“Rick’s my HEE-ROW. Rick is my hero!”
Leslie is obviously pissed and I can see she hungers to bitch slap the shit out of Kristen. Course having your boyfriend fuck up in protecting you, having champagne stained pants, having a weird lady kiss you on the cheek and having to hang out with Kristen is enough to piss off any sane person.
We get to Dan’s house and Shannon goes to the guest room to sleep and we watch TV while Ryan first makes me a Captain Morgan’s special spiced rum and coke. I think it tastes awful so he slides it to Dan and he gets me a Newcastle beer. I had never had one before, but now it is my favorite beer. It is really good and you can feel the alcohol just drinking it. At one point we try to make it so that Kristen isn’t by Dan because he keeps molesting her which means she has to sit next to Ryan who hates that. She gets up to pee and comes back and he says “Hey Kristen why don’t you come over here and go sit right upstairs with Shannon!!” and he points up the stairs. She looks confused, annoyed and drunk and stumbles off. We hang out until about 5 am where Sean and Dan head out and Leslie and I just head back to Shannon’s apartment to crash.
The next morning I get up to go shower and kind of just lurch around the apartment. Shannon and Kristen show up and laugh at me. I find out later that Leslie had stuck a maxi-pad on my back. Ass! So I get in the shower and I had noticed the shower head was adjustable from light shower to masturbate setting. So I fiddle with it to see what the options are like and the whole thing turns off in my hand and this piece shoots out and hits me in the chest. So there I am with all this water just spilling out all over me and this shower head in my hand. I realize this will fuck up the timetable of leaving by noon completely and that where in the hell am I going to buy a new shower head on New Years in down town Milwaukee?
I decide I can fix this so I put it back together as best as I can and screw it on. It is hard to get it to go on but I manage to do so. I turn the water on and nothing comes out. So I turn it off and take the shower head off and notice the piece I put in is backwards and now jammed up tight in the shower head pipe. So I try to pull it free but can’t, it is wedged in there good. So I decide maybe the water will help so I turn the water on full blast which knocks the piece loose into my chest again. I turn the water off, fix the shower head and finish my shower. Once I get out everyone was like what in the fuck were you doing in there. I love just breaking shit.
Anyway we loaded up the Jimmy and head out. And so the adventure in Wisconsin came to an end.
Anyway Shannon takes us around town and shows us her favorite haunts like the coffee shop she loves to hang out at and that the current guy she has a crush on is sitting in. We then went to a Mexican place called Qdoba and had dinner. We then went back to her apt and set up sleeping situations. It was funny because she said Leslie can sleep with her and I can sleep in the roommate’s room. So Leslie was all worried about having to share a room with this person she just met, let alone share a bed. I was just like, well my family is Catholic and just go with it. Then when we were setting up beds Shannon was like, “You guys believed me? I was just Fucking with you!! Hahahahah” It was great.
Then that Monday we get up and head to Kopp’s for lunch, but it is a different Kopp’s and is out in Pewaukee instead of the one I remember as a kid. The custard is damn good though. Shannon had to go back to work so Leslie, Sean and I get to hang out. We decided to go to the Milwaukee public museum and see if it was anything like when I was a kid. While driving through the city we spot a sign that says “Are you a Butt man?’ I was for butt beer, still very funny to see that in huge letters above the street. We head up there and park at the Hilton since Sean gets a parking discount, and go on to the Museum.
Once there we find out that it is free for Milwaukee country residents on Mondays, so Sean doesn’t have to pay admittance. Leslie and I have to get tickets so I walk up and say “I would like 2 tickets to the Milwaukee public zoo please.” And the ticket lady has this look of “What the fuck did he say?” I realize my mistake and say “Sorry I’m retarded.” And she nods and says “That’s ok dear…..it will be FOURTEEN DOLLARS. Here is your wristband enjoy the MUSEUM.” Just funny as hell.
So we go exploring and see that while the museum has changed quite a bit is was still the same in many ways. It still had the coin funnel where you drop in a coin and watch it race around. It still had the old Milwaukee village, and it still had the walk through time with the T-Rex eating a Triceratops. All in all it still kicked as much ass as when I was a kid. The funny thing is we had the choice to look at the second floor with the Indians and such on it and Leslie and I were like we are pretty Indian’d out. If we want to see Buffalo we can look out in the pastures by our house, and if we want to see Indians we can just go to the bingo halls or casinos. Sean got a kick out of that so we went to the third floor and looked at all the Asian and African stuff. They had this great Japanese sword smith exhibit and a bunch of great Samurai stuff. Some highlights were that Sean just kept leaving fart mines, where he would fart and one of us would walk into it, and Leslie would giggle and nudge me every time she saw a penis in one of the exhibits.
That evening we went out to dinner were we talked about our childhoods and our families and just rehashed old stuff. Then Shannon said we were invited to go hang out at their friend Dan’s house. This was a complete experience. Dan is a blonde curly haired guy who they say is the biggest person in their friend group. He is pretty drunk when we get there but he is a happy and fun guy. While there another friend named Nick and his girlfriend Kristen show up. Nick looks like the typical college frat guy, Kristen is a pretty cute but seems kind of out of it. Nick tells 2 great jokes.
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken
How many homosexuals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
5, 4 to screw it in and one to say FABULOUS!!!
Anyway those two aren’t there for long and then Shannon and Sean’s old roommate Ryan shows up. Ryan is one of those people that just says what is on his mind. Shannon said he calls a spade a spade and that can be funny or annoying as shit. Ryan reminds me of Vince Vaughn, he looks like he is always hiding mischief behind his eyes. That there is something going on in there terribly funny.
The whole time we were up there he was cool as hell. Anyway we watch Die Another Day on Dan’s crazy home entertainment system. The whole time I am like this house is huge and this DVD and TV set up are crazy expensive I wonder what the hell Dan does for a living. Turns out he lives with his parents because he is a serious drunk. That he had to DUIs and can’t legally drive because his license is gone for 2 years. I will say Dan is a funny as drunk. In fact one of the famous Dan stories I hear about is when he was a kid and threw this party where the cops came and busted it up. They went to arrest Dan since it was in his house and the policeman said “Son have you ever been handcuffed before?” and Dan without blinking says “Only to a bedpost officer.” What a great line. Seems like it is out of a movie.
Ryan cracked quite a few jokes while the movie was running and when he heard I was 6’8” he was like JUST 6’8”! That’s not good enough. I was like I was 6’2” when I was 12 and he just looks at me and goes well yeah, I mean me too, that is why I now choose to be 5’9” at 24… So they end up taking pictures of me next to Dan just completely dwarfing him. They all think it is so funny at just how fucking huge I am compared to the rest of them.
It was this night we met Kristen, another one who is a friend of Shannon’s, who is described by her as ‘kind of ditzy.’ Kristen gets lost driving to Dan’s house and when she gets there I can see that yes she is ditzy, yes she is kinda cute in that Jennifer Gray from Dirty Dancing way and that yes I can see why Ryan hates her. Wait if memory serves she showed up before Ryan did. And that ditzed around with Nick and the other Kristen.
Speaking of movies, everyone up there is into watching them and discussing them. Course when it is that cold people have little else to do. Funny thing is it was unseasonably warm while we were there. Most days were high 30s to low 40s. The one thing I noticed is there was no awkwardness to hanging out with most of these people. I felt like they were old friends. Maybe it was because we are alike, Irish Catholic, sarcastic and love movies or maybe it was because most of the people were drunk, I don’t know for sure, but it was nice.
During the day of the 30th we went to go see the Last Samurai and explore Milwaukee. We started out the day at the coffee house Shannon loves and then walked down the street to the movie house. Shannon’s friend Katherine came and joined us. Katherine is a Chinese/American, about 5’10 and just gorgeous. One of those women I could see having a huge crush on/lusting after and a good friendship with, if I lived in Wisconsin. We watch the movie and afterwards she invites us to here New Years party at her house the next night. Leslie and I are unsure what to do. We had always planned on driving back New Years Eve, but here was an invitation to a party and we had no plans for New Years eve so why the hell not?
After the movie we go see the Seminary where Sean is living and get to meet Father Joe who is head of the whole deal. Then Sean took us to the sanctuary to show us where he sometime helps with service. He then explained about relics and 1st, 2nd and 3rd degrees of them .1st being like a part of a holy person, 2nd being something they owned and 3rd being something that was touched by a first or second relic. Something to that effect. All Catholic churches contain a relic of some sort, and its relative power is based on the size of the church. Then we got to be Arch-Bishop Skelna one of the 2 bishops in charge of Milwaukee. That was just very cool to me. It was also moving to be back in a sanctuary. Whenever I am in a Catholic church I feel close to God. I sometimes feel bad that it has been so long since I have been to church. Meh.
After that we went to Lake Michigan and I got to show Leslie what a Great Lake is really like. How it smells and looks like an ocean. It was very nice. Then we all went to Zafiro’s pizza and had some really excellent thin crust pizza. Served to us by this mean old bat who was indignant that we didn’t know they only made thin crust pizza. We then went out to an Irish pub where I had my first glass of Guinness ale, Leslie had a glass of Harp. Guinness is ok just tastes like the beer is about to turn. After the pub we went to this frozen yogurt place and parked in the snow parking, which Leslie thought was funny that they would have snow storage. There was no snow out but normally those spaces are covered completely up. Anyway in the ice cream place I order this peanut butter cup deal and the guy is like “Yogurt or Ice Cream?” and I go “Vanilla!” and he is just looking at me with the “What the fuck!?!?” face. I then realize I am retarded again and say ice cream.
On the day of the 31st we get to hang out with Sean and Ryan for the first part of the day since Shannon has to work. We decide to go to Zafiro’s pizza again and get the same thing as before. While there we notice a Tiny Heiny’s (mini Heinikens) poster and laugh at it and that the same crowd from the night before is still at the bar. It was like a creepy Italian Cheers. Our waitress was a twisted weathered hag of a woman. If you can picture it and seemed like she was pissed to have to be serving anyone. The tables in the place are very close together so while she threads her way around the whole place she yells out “BEHIND YA BEHIND YA!” and just moseys along with her tray. She started doing this when Ryan was coming back from the bathroom and he was like “Ok lady I’m know you’re behind me I’m in front of ya INFRONT OF YA!” She gave him an evil look and then moved on.
Ryan turned to the people across from us and says “Crazy Behind Ya lady, jeez.” And we eat our food and have a good time. Then at the end of the meal the waitress looks over at our table from like 12 feet away and goes “Can I get you anything else?” and I don’t know if she is looking at us. Leslie notices this going and is also confused. The waitress asks again. And we are all kind of like “Who in the hell is she talking to?” She scoots forward and asks even louder. “CAN I GET YA ANYTHING ELSE?” and Ryan is realizes she has been yelling at us the whole time and goes “No lady we are good…sheesh what a BITCH!” and I can see her visibly get annoyed and go back to napkin folding and so on. The people across from us are laughing their ass off and Ryan is smiling.
That night we get to hang out with Kristen and Shannon before the party. Shannon makes us roast chicken and fettuccini alfredo. Leslie and I get to observe just how much of a functional moron Kristen is. She is a conversation parrot. She will say the same thing four of five times before she shuts up and moves on. We have dinner and then Shannon and Kristen primp and get ready to go. We take the Jimmy to the party and listen to Hey-Ya by Outkast on the way there. I get treated to the two girls singing along and to ‘shake it like a Polaroid picture.’
Katherine’s party is on the second floor of this house and she looks even more pretty that night than she did at the theatre. I meet her boyfriend Rick who reminds me of Billy Bob Thornton and Tommy Lee, he is really cool and a great match for her. Plus later I find out he has been doing this informal study of people named Rick or Richard and almost all of them are lefties. I was the first one that he met what wasn’t a total leftie.
Anyway I heard from Shannon that she told her family I was a beast of a man, which Shannon thought was a bad thing but it was that I am huge and a hairy. Anyway I get to meet all of their friends, it is kind of daunting, lots of people I will never see again but still enjoyable. Leslie seems nonplused about the whole thing. As we walk in Kristen turns to Katherine’s brother Jeff and goes “Ooooh look, you guys have a pretty Christmas tree!!” and Jeff without missing a beat says “Yeah turns out I’m not Jewish.” Leslie, Shannon and I bust out laughing and Kristen is left blinking not understanding what is going on.
Jeff is this hip Chinese guy who is maybe a buck ten wet, skinny as hell but quick witted and hilarious to watch. I get to meet their Mom who looks like Miracle Max’s wife and I meet their dad who looks like Sammo Hung and Mister Miyagi’s love child, he works at the baseball stadium and is known for being the hook up for good tickets. In fact he got Shannon the player’s wife tickets for a few Brewer’s games. Everyone just calls him Mr Lee. I then realize that Katherine’s name is Kathy Lee and just chuckle.
While all this is going on some well preened Goomba looking kind of guy shows up. He looks like Joe Piscapo and exudes this feeling of Shooter McGavin from Happy Gilmore. He tells people to call him ‘Big Perm’ and kinda just moves through the party looking at women’s tits and asses and trying to fill his beer from the keg as much as he can. He thought he would be the biggest guy there at like 6’2” but once he sees me his face kind of changes but still it is arrogant as hell. At one point in the party I hear him say to another slime ball there “You know we are the two best looking guys at the party!” I just have to laugh because I don’t think he realizes just how ridiculous he looks. Katherine tells us that he is just some guy that shows up to all their parties and is a friend of a friend that no on likes him but since he doesn’t cause problems and is just kinda slimy they haven’t kicked him out of there. I learn later from other people that there is no depth to his personality and that he spends all the money he makes working at the casino on the river to maintain his big perm lifestyle. The best is when the only girl that will talk to him is Kristen and he tries to impress her with is ‘bling bling’ “Nothing but platinum touches my skin, baby!” Yeah you get the picture.
So Kristen tries to get us to come meet some people she knows, and watching these people talk to her is like watching people when they have to talk to a dentist who is drilling the ever loving shit out of their teeth. They look visibly pained. I learned from an ex or Kristen’s that he thought it was an act but no she is really that dense. Anyway Kristen introduces us to this mousy bespectacled lady and says “These are Shannon’s cousins from OAK-LAH-HO-MAH!” I see this lady wince at each syllable and the first thing she does is “Nice to meet you both and oh I need to check on my purse.” She walks off and I see her find her purse and mutter “Yup still here!” and then moves farther away from Kristen.
Well the party goes on and they dance to the Bare Naked Lady’s song Lets Go Shopping and Karaoke in the living room most of the evening. The dancing shakes the wooden floor like crazy and is just fun to watch. In the Lee family there are 3 kids and the parents. The reason the family is there is that there was another brother (3 boys and Katherine) but he died on New Years 3 to 5 years ago suddenly. He had some congenital birth defect and an artery or vein burst and he just died. So they since then they have this big bash where they celebrate his life and all their lives and just have tons of fun.
As midnight counts down people are getting drunker and rowdier. Some people set off a set of black cats in a paper bag INDOORS. This one drunk guy keeps cheering and feeling up his girlfriend and ends up spilling his drink on Leslie’s pants. She gets mad and wants me to beat his ass, but I think she could take him and that it is just 20 dollar pants, plus what is the point of trashing a drunk person, getting arrested and looking like an ass for something that can wash out? Leslie tells me later she sees my point but still feels I should have beat his ass. Part of me agrees with her. I need to stick up for muh lady more often.
New years arrives me make lots of noise people kiss and sing karaoke and have fun. Around 2 am we try to find out what Sean and Ryan are doing. Dan is in Pewaukee and is finishing up his shift at work. So we decide to go meet at his favorite bar and all hang out. We say good by to Katherine and Rick who tell Leslie that we are more than welcome to crash at there place if we need some place to stay if we are ever in Wisconsin again and head off.
We go get Dan and head to his bar. The bars I find out normally close at 2 am in Wisconsin but because of New Years they are open until 5am. This could spell trouble. At this bar you go in the front door and then up this flight of concrete steps into the bar. Dan rushes over to the counter to and begins to ‘catch up’ with the rest of the revelers there. Shannon and Kristen are pretty plastered. At one point on the drive there Kristen kept saying
“My Butt is on FIE-YUR!”
“My Butt is on FIE-YUR!”
“My Butt is on FIE-YUR!”
“My Butt is on FIE-YUR!”
“My Butt is on FIE-YUR!”
Leslie says “Yes we have established your butt is on fire MOVE ON!” Shannon dances around with some of the people there Kristen walks around drunk convinced that all the pretty girls keep stealing all the cute guys she talks too. And I just survey the whole place.
Sean and Ryan arrive and it feels right. Like the whole crowd is here, that this situation is normal. Anyway we hang out and bullshit and this lady, who looks like Kelly Coffield from In Living Color, in this wool overcoat walks up and smiles at me and touches my bearded face and goes “Fuzzy.” And then just stumbles off. I chuckle at it and don’t really give it any more thought until later she shows up again and is rubbing Leslie’s shoulder and her hand is moving down towards Leslie’s boob. Ryan says “Hey do you know her?” Leslie says “No I sure don’t.” So then Ryan goes, “Hey lady what the HELL are you doin?” and she says “I’m being friendly!” Ryan mulls over this for about a second and says “No your being Fucking weird!” She then leans over and mumbles at Leslie. Leslie leans closer to see what she is saying and the lady kisses her on the cheek. Ryan sees this and says “GO AWAY ALREADY.” And the lady totters off and that is that. Meahwhile I am laughing so hard at seeing this that my mouth hurts I can’t breathe and my eyes are just streaming tears.
It is about this time we notice this ruckus off to our left. Some guys have decided to become rowdy and start fighting. I stand up to see what is going on and help if needed; I am the biggest guy in the whole place. The bouncers are maybe 5’10”. They take this bald guy out and literally throw him down the stairs and then kick and punch him as he tries to crawl back up in to the bar. It was a surreal and cool ass beating. I had never seen one close up and real life. Apparently he got cut off at the bar and got pissy and slugged the owner.
As this is going on they drag some guy up from the lower bar. He cannot walk at all, they prop him up in a chair with an empty pitcher to throw up in, which he does a few times. We decide to leave after seeing all of this. We head out of the bar to see the parking lot full of cops arresting the drunk bald guy and his friend and taking statements from the bouncers and owner. We get in our cars and slink off to Dan’s place. Shannon passes out cold from drinking so much and so in the backseat we have a passed out Shannon, Dan and Kristen. Dan is getting drunk and is kind of molesting Kristen and just being funny and not really paying attention to the road when we need him to tell us how to find his house. Course I am laughing at Kristen because she is pissing off everyone in the car. With
“How’s my Shannon?”
“MY Shannon! How’s My Shannon! How is MY Shannon?”
“She’s my Lesbian lover!”
“Shannon is my Leshbee-ahn lover!”
Leslie has about all of this she can stand and yells at her “Shannon is fine, she is passed out God Damnit. And Yes I know she is your Lesbian lover!” Kristen lets this soak into her alcohol permeated skull and then says.
“Rick you saved me from those guys. You’re my hero.”
“Rick’s my HEE-ROW. Rick is my hero!”
Leslie is obviously pissed and I can see she hungers to bitch slap the shit out of Kristen. Course having your boyfriend fuck up in protecting you, having champagne stained pants, having a weird lady kiss you on the cheek and having to hang out with Kristen is enough to piss off any sane person.
We get to Dan’s house and Shannon goes to the guest room to sleep and we watch TV while Ryan first makes me a Captain Morgan’s special spiced rum and coke. I think it tastes awful so he slides it to Dan and he gets me a Newcastle beer. I had never had one before, but now it is my favorite beer. It is really good and you can feel the alcohol just drinking it. At one point we try to make it so that Kristen isn’t by Dan because he keeps molesting her which means she has to sit next to Ryan who hates that. She gets up to pee and comes back and he says “Hey Kristen why don’t you come over here and go sit right upstairs with Shannon!!” and he points up the stairs. She looks confused, annoyed and drunk and stumbles off. We hang out until about 5 am where Sean and Dan head out and Leslie and I just head back to Shannon’s apartment to crash.
The next morning I get up to go shower and kind of just lurch around the apartment. Shannon and Kristen show up and laugh at me. I find out later that Leslie had stuck a maxi-pad on my back. Ass! So I get in the shower and I had noticed the shower head was adjustable from light shower to masturbate setting. So I fiddle with it to see what the options are like and the whole thing turns off in my hand and this piece shoots out and hits me in the chest. So there I am with all this water just spilling out all over me and this shower head in my hand. I realize this will fuck up the timetable of leaving by noon completely and that where in the hell am I going to buy a new shower head on New Years in down town Milwaukee?
I decide I can fix this so I put it back together as best as I can and screw it on. It is hard to get it to go on but I manage to do so. I turn the water on and nothing comes out. So I turn it off and take the shower head off and notice the piece I put in is backwards and now jammed up tight in the shower head pipe. So I try to pull it free but can’t, it is wedged in there good. So I decide maybe the water will help so I turn the water on full blast which knocks the piece loose into my chest again. I turn the water off, fix the shower head and finish my shower. Once I get out everyone was like what in the fuck were you doing in there. I love just breaking shit.
Anyway we loaded up the Jimmy and head out. And so the adventure in Wisconsin came to an end.