Home Alone
So I'm home alone again. This time for a whole week until Thursday night. The thing that really sucks about being here without Nathan, besides missing him, is that I just don't have anything to look forward to. On a normal weekday I schedule my time based on when Nathan will come home. When he's out of town, I have endless amounts of time and not enough activity to fill it with. Plus there are other things causing me a bit of anxiety.
My great-grandfather is dying. I know that if you are a regular reader of this journal you know I've said this before, probably many times. This time is different. A few months ago he became really disoriented and wasn't doing so well, so he was taken to the hospital. He had pneumonia, some kind of infection, and something wrong with his heart. They wanted to do an invasive test to find out exactly what was wrong with his heart, but nobody approved it because he's so old and the recovery would have sucked. When his pneumonia cleared up they sent him to a nursing home instead of home because he couldn't get around really. He seemed to be doing really well in the home and he was starting to get around, he was alert, everything was fine. Then they discovered a "bedsore" on his foot. They were concerned by its appearance and sent him back to the hospital last week. After a full work up they discovered his foot was gangrenous, he had some kind of infection in his blood, his lungs were wet, and he had congestive heart failure. They debated cutting off his foot but decided against it. They put him on medication and the gangrene started to clear up, so they sent him back to the home. Then the other day the doctor called my grandpa and asked to have a meeting. Apparently his heart is only functioning at 20% and there's really nothing more they can do for him. As a result, grandpa signed hospice papers. Now he's on a waiting list for hospice care in Charlotte and they've taken him off all of the medications that were supposed to help him. They're forcing him to take pain medication, he's in a LOT of pain, and he seems incredibly unhappy. Nobody seems to think he has very long.
Not only am I struggling with the obvious ramifications of this and trying to figure out when I'm gonna make it to Lansing (I have no gas money and I have to work tomorrow), but today I get a phone call from my mom trying to guilt me into going this weekend. You might expect that this has made me angry. Of course I want to go down there and see him. Of course I care. But I do have to work tomorrow, I do have a dog that I can't leave alone for more than a few hours at a time, and I was already planning on going down Wednesday for a meeting, so I thought I'd kill two birds with one stone (not to mention save a TON of money on gas). I'm not made of money or gasoline, and while I know this is (kind of) heartless, I don't want to make a special trip the day after working late to see him when he will probably still be there when I go down on Wednesday. One option that I am debating, and that Nathan helped me arrange, is for me to go down Monday morning and stay until Wednesday after my meeting. The dog's babysitter is getting back from out of town on Monday and is more than willing to stop by and pick her up if I leave her a key, and with Nathan out of town and no work at the beginning of the week I technically have no conflicts...so I just have to call my family and see if that works for them.
The other issue is that I'm scared. I know this sounds pathetic, but I'm scared that a) he'll die before I make it down there Monday, or Wednesday, or b) even if I see him, he'll die before Nathan gets back. I know myself well enough to know that if I don't have Nathan here, my collapse will be total. I can't handle this. It's too much. While I love my mom, she's pissed that I'm not down there at his bedside, and I'm not a stranger to her graveside rants, which I could NOT handle were he to go while Nathan is gone.
...just a slice of my life.
My great-grandfather is dying. I know that if you are a regular reader of this journal you know I've said this before, probably many times. This time is different. A few months ago he became really disoriented and wasn't doing so well, so he was taken to the hospital. He had pneumonia, some kind of infection, and something wrong with his heart. They wanted to do an invasive test to find out exactly what was wrong with his heart, but nobody approved it because he's so old and the recovery would have sucked. When his pneumonia cleared up they sent him to a nursing home instead of home because he couldn't get around really. He seemed to be doing really well in the home and he was starting to get around, he was alert, everything was fine. Then they discovered a "bedsore" on his foot. They were concerned by its appearance and sent him back to the hospital last week. After a full work up they discovered his foot was gangrenous, he had some kind of infection in his blood, his lungs were wet, and he had congestive heart failure. They debated cutting off his foot but decided against it. They put him on medication and the gangrene started to clear up, so they sent him back to the home. Then the other day the doctor called my grandpa and asked to have a meeting. Apparently his heart is only functioning at 20% and there's really nothing more they can do for him. As a result, grandpa signed hospice papers. Now he's on a waiting list for hospice care in Charlotte and they've taken him off all of the medications that were supposed to help him. They're forcing him to take pain medication, he's in a LOT of pain, and he seems incredibly unhappy. Nobody seems to think he has very long.
Not only am I struggling with the obvious ramifications of this and trying to figure out when I'm gonna make it to Lansing (I have no gas money and I have to work tomorrow), but today I get a phone call from my mom trying to guilt me into going this weekend. You might expect that this has made me angry. Of course I want to go down there and see him. Of course I care. But I do have to work tomorrow, I do have a dog that I can't leave alone for more than a few hours at a time, and I was already planning on going down Wednesday for a meeting, so I thought I'd kill two birds with one stone (not to mention save a TON of money on gas). I'm not made of money or gasoline, and while I know this is (kind of) heartless, I don't want to make a special trip the day after working late to see him when he will probably still be there when I go down on Wednesday. One option that I am debating, and that Nathan helped me arrange, is for me to go down Monday morning and stay until Wednesday after my meeting. The dog's babysitter is getting back from out of town on Monday and is more than willing to stop by and pick her up if I leave her a key, and with Nathan out of town and no work at the beginning of the week I technically have no conflicts...so I just have to call my family and see if that works for them.
The other issue is that I'm scared. I know this sounds pathetic, but I'm scared that a) he'll die before I make it down there Monday, or Wednesday, or b) even if I see him, he'll die before Nathan gets back. I know myself well enough to know that if I don't have Nathan here, my collapse will be total. I can't handle this. It's too much. While I love my mom, she's pissed that I'm not down there at his bedside, and I'm not a stranger to her graveside rants, which I could NOT handle were he to go while Nathan is gone.
...just a slice of my life.