Frolicon
By request, I'm going to chronicle my recent journey to Frolicon. This will be a long rambling post, that's probably way
TMI for some people, so read at your own risk. I'll try to remember how to do lj-cuts to make it easier. All that being
said:
Thursday: The Arrival
I worked Wednesday night, until 6 am Thursday morning. We were scheduled to leave at 8 am, enough time to get home, pack, and maybe take an hour nap. I got home, and around 7:30, laid down for what I thought would be a short minute. At 8:30 I woke up, and realized Jon hadn't called, and wasn't here. So I called him. He arrived a few minutes later. We loaded
the car, and headed to Kroger to get some groceries.
"Oh and we need ice. oh, and lets get some condoms, and don't forget plates, and hey lets stop by the liquor store, oh yeah we should get gas." So we're on the road by 10:40. Perhaps two severely ADHD people do not make the most practical traveling companions. But what the hell, we're going there to relax, so no harm. We still have plenty of time. It's all good.
So we drive.
Jon was using his droid/gps to get us there. I find it amusing, and I love it when you make an unscheduled stop. The GPS always sounds like it's freaking out. "No, no, turn around, get on the exit..your going the wrong way..Idiot".
He misunderstood one turn and took the wrong fork. The machine was calmly telling us we were idiots and need to take the next exit and turn around. OK, we drive forward, looking to the machine to see what we do next, when it dies. Apparently he used up all the charge for the 6 hours we were driving in a straight line. It's plugged into the car, so we know we
need to turn around we do that hoping it will come back on. We are now lost, with no directions for where we are going, or even where we are.
By the time we come to some exit choices, the droid had not come back on. So we pull over, and I call the hotel. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that i didn't know what highway I was on until she asked, but it didn't. Feeling like a fool, I continued. "I've no idea where I am..there are two exit signs." I read the exits, and she tells me since I don't
know where I am, I'll have to take that, but be careful don't turn towards the bridge turn away from it..if i end up on the bridge I'm going to go miles and miles out of my way..turn right, left, right right, half a mile, left.."
I'll get to the bridge and call you back?" "OK"
We go a few hundred feet and I find the highway sign. I call her back then. "Does it help any If I'm on 82 north." "Yes, I think so. Don't take that exit, go two exits up and turn left. It's right there."
So crisis averted we arrive. It looks like any other con to me. Same kinds of people. Some costumes, lots of geeks. I'm instantly more comfortable. I've been going to sf cons for 30 years. This is going to be OK. A couple of dozen people were in line for hotel registration. But one side of the desk is an empty cue for 'preferred members
only'. Jon gets excited and strolls up. He is a preferred member! "I go to ALOT of conventions" he explains as we get a room in seconds.
We unpack, putz as seems to be our mutual way, and head back to register for the con itself. This goes quickly too (apparently we missed the line for that too) and then we head to the bead table.
The bead table is where you build your necklace or bracelet that provides ID for who you are. Pink beads means I like girls, blue means i like boys, black for dominant, white for submissive, green for anything goes, yellow for vanilla or new, and orange for hands off without asking. (Which since that's posted in every rule, seems a little redundant, but
since it's so important for people to feel safe, I guess i get it.)
I also see some people building based on percentages. IE they are more one thing than another.
So I build mine. 2 Blue, 5 Pink (girls more than boys), one yellow (new to the con) One green (adventurous, and helps explain the yellow means new not vanilla), one white because i like to serve people to a very limited degree, and one purple.
Oh yeah, purple.
Next to the bead table there's a huge bulletin board which will eventually have hundreds of index cards on it. At the top in silver glitter are the magical words "Make a wish." They have index cards with envelopes so you can leave responses, and try to fulfill peoples wishes. Once you place a card you add a purple bead so people will know you have
a wish.
The wishes run the gamut of needs, from the practical to the ridiculous. Some are non-sexual like the guy who wished for crash space, or the one who wanted a nice bottle of cognac. Some are borderline (flirting, hugs, kisses). Some are out there (rape fantasies, random sex). Well wishing to meet people i can bond with seems a bit needy and not on the mark,
so i step back.
Many of the cards are lists, so that's the direction I decide to go. That way hopefully I'll get one wish met.
So I wrote the following:
"I'm a bi male who's new to Frolicon who has lots of wishes. I'll start with:
1> Watching others have sex in a private room. Being the voyeur, participation not required.
2> Random hugs and kisses from strangers.(Gender not important)
3> A good hour just sitting and cuddling someone (female preferred)
4> Being a third comrade to a couple. Just being along, romancing, kissing whatever."
Inspired by other cards, I left my phone so people could text me instead of me checking the board every 10 minutes and building up anxiety.
To cut through some suspense I got three out of four in some fashion. I'll let you keep reading to figure out what I didn't get. So necklace and wish list complete we wander a bit. I find myself very nervous, and quietly kind of sit and watch.
The first event I had wanted to attend is the ADD gamer party. I thought it was a reinvention of party games, but instead it turns out to be half a dozen party games, and we play one round each. It's team play, then some elimination rounds..so that someone can get the prize, which is the chance to be a party judge. Many of the games were modified to
have more sexual words in them. Jon and I teamed with two attractive ladies, and we did very well, smearing our opponents in Scattegories and Cranium Clay Sculpture Pictionary.
The game was fun, and comfortable. Starting with games to work my in was the right choice. I was glad I went. I came in second overall for the competition, because the last game was Taboo, which I'm not so good at. All in all a fine showing.
Then Jon and I grabbed some food in the room and head to the next event, the Virgin Sacrifice. Jon and I got to the Virgin Sacrifice, where all the con virgins were asked to sit in the front row. When it starts, Jon was grabbed amongst the first volunteers, where he is given a 'scavenger hunt list' and basically asked to find things like "a cat, a devil,
something fishy, and so on..mostly it's an excuse to grab people in the hall and talk to them. He does quite well. and the entire scavenger hunt last for only a few minutes (which is apparently not how the organizers planned it).
While still going through the chaotic scavenger hunt that is pummeling them with submissions, they announce the other challenges, and that the first one will be fire eating. There is an air of mystery, they won't name the other challenges until this one is complete, and they won't say what this one is, until someone volunteers.
I was feeling a bit self conscious at this point. Somewhere along the line i realize my pants are stained, and it doesn't feel like the best first impression. But no way to go change and get back. I swallow my fear, and stand up and volunteer to get it over with.
Fire eating turned out to be drinking a shot of hot sauce. OK. My stomachs gonna kill me, but what the hell.
With some anxiety I down the sauce, which tastes sweeter than it does hot. I was all prepared and had asked Jon to have some water ready, but I didn't need it. The end result is I haf the hiccups for an hour, but no other ill effects.
Actually my stomach would prove to be quite cooperative this weekend, which is pretty amazing considering how much I abused it.
Still overly conscious of my stained attire, I rush to the room and change clothes, and dress for the "Coffee Tea or
Me party", It's listed as a 60's airline theme party. dress in 60's clothes, or airline clothes. Well 60's clothes are
easy. I thrown on my tie die, and head out.
I'm nervous at first, and the party is crowded and hot. There's an extended room, that's very quiet. I slip in there, porn was running in the room, and I realized what this room was for. I slip back to the party, but due to heat and curiosity I slipped back from time to time. At one point the back room is crowded too, as a whipping demonstration took place. I even watched for a minute. Didn't do much for me, but I enjoyed watching her reactions, and well her tits, since she was naked facing us. Shrug.
Then as I sat in the main part of the party. I realized I wasn't talking to anyone, not asking anyone to dance. There were only one or two people dancing there, and the floor was crowded. I realize I'm kinda terrified. God this con may be too much for me. I stepped into the hall panicking. There was a point in my life I would have accepted the inner voice
telling me to run away, that I'm not handsome enough, suave enough, or whatever enough. I took a deep breath, "Bullshit"
I told myself. These are geeks dammit, and amongst geeks, I'm actually kinda cool." and so I convinced myself to dive back in.
It wasn't immediately better. I was still nervous. I still don't know want to say. I'm fine at being in conversations, but not so good at starting them. And it was still crowded and hot, and everyone seemed to be talking to someone else, or happy or too tense to approach. I wasn't the only person not talking to anyone. Some of these people seemed more tense than me. At least I hoped I didn't look that tense.
A little while later I slipped into the 'empty' room again, trying to feel the cool air conditioning of the nearly empty
room. This time there's a couple having sex alone in the room. It's awkward at first, and i tried to consider the rules
But this was a public room. There's no one else here, but they chose to be here. There were chairs, and so I sat and watched, and I'm anxious but It made me kind of happy. They looked up acknowledging me, and kept going. She gave a slight giggle, showing she was nervous too. My courtesy once again won out over my desires, and I stepped out feeling like
maybe I wasn't supposed to be there. Was I supposed to ask if I could watch? I'm so self conscious of these things.
That's why I'm terrible at flirting. I'm always afraid I'm going to cross boundaries I shouldn't, and make others uncomfortable. Certainly that's a common thing for geeks to do, and I am pretty geeky.
Standing in the door, there stood the only other person in the place who's wearing a tie die, which seems odd for a 60's party. I admired her shirt, and her 60's purple glasses, and she admired my shirt, which I had made myself. We talked about the 60's, and the costumes and other things
and it's fun. She was watching her husband work up the nerve to flirt with someone. Apparently he just wanted her to fan him with her big hand fan. His wife offers to talk for him, and he declines, so we watched and chatted. They've been to a bunch of these con's but "he's always like this on the first day." I felt better hearing this. More in place. Even the experts get nervous.
So she told me that she's a teacher of gifted children. She loves this con because it allows her to let go and unleash this crazy side of herself. She likes to spend almost all of her time in the dungeon which is the only kind of play she likes. She's only here for the dungeon.
It's hard to explain my reaction to this. This was all instant. You see she just instantly hit the "not available" category for me. I wasn't going to hook up with her. But she was cute and interesting and cool. And I just kept talking.
I didn't even notice it at first. I was just living the moment. No agenda, and there was no hope of one. We were just chatting and enjoying each others company. I think I confirmed this with "Yeah I don't think I'll be doing that, but we all do what's right for us." Basically That's cool, but not my thing. There is a fair chance I won't even see her after
tonight, since I won't even go into the dungeon. And yet I'm happy and still flirting. There is not a bit of disapointment. In the past I would have kept talking yes, but i would have been disapointed. I wasn't. Still letting her know I think she's cool, and funny and cute.
I finally relaxed, and I was having fun. She's great and the moment was good. She fades out, and Jon also leaves, and I got quiet again. I stepped into the hall for air this time and there's political debate. Now normally this sort of debate is my passion, but this is when I realized I was pretty drunk and civil discourse with idiots is probably not
going to go well. So I stood next to the woman who identified herself as a socialist, and listened, softly making affirmative comments to her, without actively entering the debate. We were talking on the side. I started to say something, fume a bit and she whispers to me.."you can't take it personally, just enjoy the debate. It's not about you
or them" I explained I normally could do that easily, but at the moment I was drunk, and a bit too drunk to disconnect myself emotionally. She nodded understanding. So I just listened.
She laughed at some of my comments, and we flirted. and it's all good. I lasted until the guy named FDR as the worst fascist dictator in history, and I look at her and say "yeah, I better go" she nods and I'm off to my room. I fell asleep quickly, despite the fact that our room was directly beneath the main party room of the entire con.
So be it. The white noise of Jon's apnea machine helps, and i slept very well. It is after all 3 am, and I'd been awake for 33 hours, not counting the one hour semi-nap before we left. I slept well, and I was still nervous, but happy.
Friday: The Awakening
I decided to wear my green pants, and my crazy green shirt, because I think it will go well with the 80s dance party that night,and because it is my favorite convention outfit. I looked at the schedule. Nothing going on for a bit.
I walked the halls for awhile.
My plans today included a BDSM 101 lecture. I figured I'd listen. I keep thinking maybe there's something there for me,
I'm just not sure what. There's the Cuddle party, which is laying in a room cuddling. a poly speed dating event, an 80's dance, and some room parties. That seemed like a pretty full day.
While wandering the halls I found a table for a poly convention in Atlanta in September. i talked to them, and am very interested in attending. I identified myself as a member/co-founder of UUPA and I was enthusiastic about the con.
Obviously a poly convention is very different (and more cerebral) than this con. I sat and talked about poly, and some legal things, and it was fun.
That's when I get a text message saying this couple had read my card, and would I like to meet her and her husband.
Sure. So I showed up, and within seconds i am brushed off. I barely said five words. "We'll get back to you".
I can't tell you how amazed and proud of myself I was for how little I let this bother me. Oh it bothered me of course.
Rejection always hurts. Always. But it wasn't important. It was early. They viewed my card as kind of sexual and dating material, and that stuff just works or it doesn't.
I texted them later asking If I said the wrong thing (which kind of seemed impossible) and she just said "We're very picky". I could have let this crush me. At other points in my life, that would have been the end of the con for me. But you know fuck it. if they are that shallow that they determine I'm not worthy of even just hanging out with in seconds..it's for the best. I feel good about how strongly I blew it off. I went and looked at the board, and noticed someone has posted a fantasy in which they wanted to be watched. In the end we ended up texting each other about the same time. He tells me he has to arrange time, and there may not be alot of notice, but there would be a few opportunities to set it up.
Then I attended the 101 panel. I lasted about 20 minutes and headed out. It just wasn't for me. I usually find "people just kind of spouting off info" panels pretty boring, and of course some of the ideas behind it still bother me. So instead I wandered a bit to kill the extra time, and checked out the dealers room. The dealers room was 90% BDSM stuff.
not much for me to get for others or for myself. There were two jewelry booths, and I took stock of whats there.
Then I went to the cuddle party. A fully clothed event of just laying around together. I arrived a bit late, and the room was packed full. and there seemed no good place to sit. One larger woman sitting in a chair to the side offers me her lap. Seeing little other place to be, and being glad for the overture, I sat, but i felt left out of the big piles
of bodies. Way off to the side, an outcast. But i tried to relax and enjoy. She sensed my apprehension and I explained I liked where i was, but i did come to be more surrounded by people. She understood, but she couldn't lay down, (she was a very large woman) so she was glad i was there. we cuddled for about 45 minutes of the two hour cuddle
party, and I realized this was part what i wanted. It was comfortable, and technically one fantasy fulfilled. she stroked my hair, we chatted. It was nice. But I still wanted to be in the pile. I was feeling to
left out to enjoy it. I got up and walked away. I took a deep breath, and went back and returned to her lap. I told her I was still looking for a place in the pile, but I also told her just laying in her lap had been on my wish card.
When a place opened up on the floor, she pointed it out, and I climbed in.
I looked up smiling at her to make sure she wasn't hurt, and the man I had presumed to be her partner from the conversation moved and sat in her lap. I think he'd been wanting too for awhile, so that worked out. I looked around. I had a guy to my right, a woman to my left, a woman's lap under my head, and two people kinda under my feet. It was great. One of the women turned and just hugged me and held on. Paradise. i just laid there for an hour, joking, talking and snuggling. Heaven.
At some points in my life I would have stormed off early feeling being left out But i decided to enjoy what i did have, and still seek beyond it too. would come, And it did. This was my great lesson of the weekend. The same as the pilot party, but more pronounced. And this was a pattern that would repeat itself again. Stop, take a deep breath, and go back.
Relax, and enjoy whats there for what it is. Don't give up, don't stress.
When I got up from the cuddle party, my plan was to go straight to "Poly Speed Dating" but i had a phone message (my phone was somewhere else so it wouldn't poke anyone). The message read "If you are free within the next 15-20 minutes or so, now is a good time. if not we will try again later. I checked the time. 15 minutes ago. Awesome. I emailed them and
headed to their room.
You must understand i didn't care what they would look like. In this case fat, thin none of that mattered as I was a witness. I was just watching people who loved each other get it on. That's one of my strongest turn ons. Something about being detached allows you to see the real passion, the spark in their eyes. But when I went in, they were both really amazing looking too. They were both really sexy, and my heart leaped. He had white hair, though he was younger, and a nice but not overly intimidating physique. She was sexy, svelte and had excellent facial features. For a brief moment I worried. They are gonna think I'm too geeky or something. I'm outclassed. But they smiled. He offered me water, let me pick a spot in the room, and he announced he was nervous, and he wasn't sure what to do.
I told him I was nervous too. It was OK. We'd work it out. "Where do I start" he looked at her staring into her eyes.
"It's your fantasy" she responded smiling nervously. He shrugged and they started necking. I really have trouble explaining to you what this sort of thing does for me. Watching sex, especially passionate sex,
is sometimes better than having it. The sounds, the feelings, being able to REALLY see her reactions, his reactions..I moved a couple of time to see her eyes, to see his eyes. Something about that fire that's in someone eyes...it's just amazing to me. Maybe it's the sociologist in me. And being total strangers, being locked away in a room, knowing much of
this was for my benefit. As I said, there are no words. This goes down as one of the hottest 10 moments in my life so far.
I'm not sure there being strangers helps, but me being uninvolved was certainly a big part of it. And it was just smooth. There was very little awkwardness. Everyone wanted to be there. I started hearing noises next door of loud sex.
Turns out, that was their other partners. They were laughing, and I was even more comfortable knowing it was true poly folk I was dealing with.
As they progressed, I was just amazed. I was uncertain what they wanted of course. Should I chat, should I stay quiet. Should I move around, or remain unobtrusive. I decided quite and unobtrusive was the way to go, since he was self conscious too. If I got too intrusive it might make him more nervous, and humor and chatting would probably be distraction.
I could feel her passion for him. Every moment just felt magical,and not really dirty at all. Just perfect. Next time I'll move around more, and make more eye contact, but for now, I made sure they knew i was there, moved around a little, and smiled. And yes, i masturbated of course (I had permission).
I was watching, and masturbating, but not thinking about being one of them, thinking about being me watching them. There was really no fantasy to add to it. Their movements were simple. I could sense their nervousness too, especially hers.
But she looked into his eyes, and grew calm. And th at made me feel warm. I loved every second of it. This moment was my fantasy as I'd intended. And it was their fantasy too, which made it even better. After it was over, I told them they could call me if they wanted. That they were both very sexy, and if they wanted to chat or whatever, it was up to them.
But in my head, I felt me being a stranger might be important to the fantasy. So I'd leave it up to them. (Two marked off the wish list)
After I left I realized I'd missed the poly speed dating, but that was OK, It was definitely worth it. It was time to reassess my schedule. It looked like the best thing on the schedule for me was either "poker practice" or the homebrew workshop. I decided on poker and then wandered to the room.
Only one person was there. We agree to wait 10 minutes then leave. Since that meant I was going to to go to the Homebrew workshop I called Jon to let him know I'd probably attend the homebrew late, and could he buy me a ticket for the tasting if it looked like they would run out. He said sure, but there were only 6 people there. 15 minutes later I arrived.
When i got there, Jon's kegs were on the bar, and he was leading the panel. That's an abrupt change, Apparently the person running it did not show up, so as people were leaving he said "Hey you came to talk about homebrew, i came to talk about homebrew, I want to talk about
beer with you" and poof, he ran a panel.
When someone came up to notify us the panel had been cancelled, I explained to them we just uncancelled it. They arranged to send up the person collecting charity money for the tasting, and some forms so the panel could be evaluated.
Jon ran the panel got some other people to go to their room to share more beer, gave a bunch of homebrew tips, and it went great. Everyone said it was the best impromptu panel they'd seen, and the programing director of the con came in and asked him to do it again next year. He agreed, but only if he can also do his flirting panels.
I collected the feedback forms, and made sure they got to the right people. We worked well as a team actually. I served the beer while he talked about it, and it was cool. i didn't mind being 'assistant' at all.
Then Jon and I went to the room, ate some dinner in the room, and relaxed.
The rest of the night was supposed to be room parties and the like But I've got some time to kill, so i finally found the con suite. An excellent room, though largely defined by TV watching. They were watching Up, which was fun. So I enjoyed that, and ate some food there.
I also went to the 80's dance, which was not well attended, but the people there were fun. The best two dancers there were a 300 lb 5'5 guy who knew his limits and moved very well, and a one legged woman. I found it interesting that these were by far the two best dancers in the room. I danced with both of them. and everyone else. At one point, the guy from
the voyeur fantasy and his wife were there. We winked from across the room, but didn't talk. It felt risque, even though by most peoples standards here it was not.
Now to this point, I didn't realize the Dark Room party time had been moved. This was a party I'd been looking forward to, going into a dark room and doing whatever. The dark room party was divided into three parts. The first hour was women only, the second hour was "no genital contact, no sex, just touching" and the last 1 1/2 was anything goes.
I found out suddenly that the dark room party is tonight, and it's in a couple of hours. This was probably helpful for a number of reasons.
For one, by thinking it was tomorrow I hadn't thought about it much. Less anxiety, less apprehension and less build up. Second i think in the end it laid out the con better for me. I think i would have had more anxiety if the nights had been reversed.
So I adapted to this change of plans, and on to the dark room party. I read the rules, and noted that beyond "No Means No" they added "brushing you away means no" and "walking away means no" I wandered in and the first few people I touched felt brushed off by> Upon reflection this may have been paranoiac perception. They may have just been holding my
hand, moving my hand. I really don't know. I was hyper aware of the rules "No means no, and somehow I felt like I was being rejected. Even in the dark. The brush off here, the walk away there.
Just at the height of despair I end up grabbed and snuggling with someone.
But I discover quickly, it's a very overweight transsexual, and I'm just not comfortable. she's kissing me, and I'm just not into it. I feel like I should stay. I know how rejection hurts. I'm not gonna do better. This is good as someone like me can hope for. But I'm not liking it. It takes a minute, but I know i should not have been beating myself up.
I'm not enjoying myself, and that is the point...So I walked away, and walked out the door. I was starting to crash.
This was one of the dreams of the con. and it didn't work like I'd wanted. I grabbed a drink, took a deep breath, remembered the lessons I'd learned so far, and went back.
Again there was a time that would have been the end of it. But these are my people. I do belong here, and it's all OK.
Wham, within seconds of my return I find someone stroking my hair, I turn, and there's a guy stroking my leg. A woman
kisses me. Now this is when I learned the 'fondling only hour' is pretty loose. And I knew the couple against the wall were fucking even though it was still that first hour. And another couple on the mattress were probably going at it too.
And now, suddenly, I'm getting sucked off while someone kisses me.
We fell onto one of the mattresses in the room, and I enjoyed the attention. Things got very confused, as more and more people were on the mattress. Things got switched around, and the woman on the other side of me is stroking my back while she has guys on her. Somehow I end up with her. I end up fucking her, and collapsed to the side for awhile. Watching her take an endless stream of guys.
I got up and walked around, taking a deep breath, and ended up in two more kissing marathons. Then one woman one guy and I dropped to the mattress again. He stroked one side of her while I stroked the other. A third guy tried to come up between her legs, and she declared "no" and pushed him away. In defiance of all rules and common sense he tried again,
and she locked her legs around his neck. "Your choking me" he gasped. I laughed and said "I'm guessing that's a hint that no means no".
He went away.
The guy on the other side of her declared "some people are clueless." and as if to prove it, 2 minutes later he's going for her crotch. She got up and left before i realized what was going on. He said something like
"Well that was fun, but I was hoping for a bit more." Idiot. I don't think he even understood why she left. She didn't want that kind of play, which would have been fine with me. A shame. She could have just said usher or really anything, and he'd have been thrown out. But nothing to be done. She's gone before I figured out what happened.
I wander, wondering If I should have done something sterner, falling into pity mode, when another group accosts me in the dark. We fall to the other mattress, and we start going to town. She sucks on me while two different guys take their turn with her. And that's when they announce the 10 minute warning. Then the 2 minute warning. The lights come on.
People are watching it, which makes it twice as hot. The guy fucking her finishes up, a handsome looking black guy. I look down and realize that a woman I wanted to flirt with the night before but didn't have the nerve currently had my cock in her mouth. She seemed so quiet, so timid before. Well not now. We go into the hall, and I invite her to my
room to finish up. She agrees. And we spend the night together. We go twice around she falls asleep and wakes me up in an hour to go again. Wow. Just wow. At some point i ask her name (which I won't share here, obviously) and we chat. I've no desire to get to know her really, and that's fine. She's not really interested in me either. We part ways in the morning after she has a shower. It was really nice. no attachment, no
nonsense. Somehow, in my youth i could never do this. To many guilt barriers in the way. Too many self esteem issues that would have convinced me i had to be in love with her or something. It was liberating, and wonderful.
I like anonymous sex. I'm completely happy with it, and I wish I'd been doing it my whole life so i can be
burnt out on it like so many people claim to be.
Someone quoted over the weekend "Yes you should only have sex with people you love. but, you should love everyone you meet." I like that. It's my new mantra. Mind you you don't have to have sex with everyone you love, so it's still open ended.
Yeah I'm a slut, and for the first time in my life, I feel truly proud of it, truly owning it, truly enjoying it. This is a spiritual moment for me. I'm home.
Saturday: slow decompression.
I woke up. She was getting her shower and it was all good. It's only Saturday. My god, it's only Saturday. I have more to do.
Wow. Just wow.
The big event today was going to be the masturbation party. There were a couple of panels I'd thought about going to, but I decided
I was going to relax and blow them off. It's 11:30 by the time I'd be able to leave the room. The hair of the dog party was supposed to run to 12. I love the concept so much, I decided to stop by anyway.
I rank this the best party of the con. They had made lots of space for sitting. They pulled out all unnecessary furniture, and made the room very spacious. They had fans to keep the room cool. They had great drinks, and the music is not loud enough to get in the way of talking.
They had Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers, big pots of coffee and some coffee liquors. There were some well researched 'alternative' hangover cures on a table...raw eggs are expected. But they had made jars with labels. The ingredients are fake, but it's damn funny. Rabbit Poo Tea, Dried Bull cock and Fried Canary are amongst the artificial offerings.
Apparently many people were enjoying the dried bull cock (which was in fact beef jerky.) Their intention was to put chicken strips in the fried canary jar, but they got hungry and ate them, so instead they had a jar with yellow feathers in it. i found this hilarious.
I had great conversation, and the party scheduled to end at 12 noon, ended at 1:30. I was amongst the last to leave. A crowd of us had to be ushered out. I was in party mode. I had planned on some info type panels, but i wasn't feeling it.
There was a wine and cheese art party, which felt more my speed. The wine was horrible, the cheese as boring as cheese gets. (which is still good..i mean..it's cheese!)..The conversation was good, and I met a young guy I really liked (in that non sexual way) and who's company i enjoyed. More on him later, but he was afraid to go to the masturbation party.
So he went to play porno Pictionary. The coward in me wanted to go with him, but I can't draw, and dammit there's no reason for that. The masturbation party was in the same room as the wine and cheese party, so all i had to do was stay put.
A woman got up and announced the rules.Touching is fine, even oral assistance is fine. There's a side room for actual fucking, but you were to announce you were going there so masturbators could watch. Participation was required, but participation can be grabbing towels, or doing something so you're not just a crazy staring guy.
I don't know why a crazy staring guy is so much worse than a crazy staring guy who's stroking his cock, but that's their rules. OK fine. And unlike the cuddle party and the dark room party, and the 60's party, I got right into it. I felt part of it right away. I was getting better at this stuff, and more relaxed. Of course not feeling left out if I did not
have a partner helped a great deal. It was beautiful to watch. Some people weren't really masturbating, they were teasing and having oral sex, and whatever, But quite a few were, and I felt right at home.
Everyone was part of and independent of this large sexual web we had spun. It was fun and relaxing and i felt fine with it. Despite being 'alone' so was most of the room, Men and women, and it felt right. It was fun, frolic, laughter and passion.
Then I did some more wandering, and i ran into that same guy from the wine and cheese party. He was asking the info desk where there was a good place to scavenge cheap food. The con suite kept getting ravaged and he didn't want to take from someone else. I dragged him to my room and shoveled food at him. He had an interesting and sad story to tell I can not share here, but my heart goes out to him. He was also looking to embrace debauchery. His wishes were to try a cigar, and to taste really good bourbon. So I gave him some of my really good bourbon, and got a cigar for him to try. He loved both and we hung out for a couple of hours, until i had to be at the poker game.
Somewhere in here i got another rejection from another couple. They thought I was too old. Oh well. It barely phased me.
I was way to busy anyway. So on to the strip poker game. The entry fee was five dollars for 100 dollars in chips. Anyone could do this as many times as they wanted. as they were raising money for charity. Several people at the table spent 30-40 dollars to start with 600 or 800 in chips. I just couldn't afford that crap, so I resigned myself to going out
early, most likely dominated with all the larger stacks. There was also the option to sell your clothes, each clothing item had a price. Lots of people had come uber prepared, with extra shirts and other nonsense. I just had my regular clothes. So everyone of the 27 players started with more than I did. On the average 4-5 times more than me.
One woman started in with bragging how she's a pro player, who's made 3/4 of a million dollars in poker. This puzzled me. A pro normally does not want people knowing they are pro. It's better to suck them in. By the third hand I had assessed she was completely full of shit. She was one of the worst players at the table. Even worse that the guy who'd
never played before and had a cheat sheet for what the hands were.
Soon, we were down several players, and everyone was naked having sold their clothes for extra chips. Everyone that is, except me. At one point someone walked by and said "why is he still dressed?" One of the judges who'd been watching said "because he's really good" I turned and looked at him. A player I'd taken out was standing next to him. "Yeah, I saw
What I was dealing with about four hands in, but there wasn't really any getting around him." Damn..that felt good.
In the end, I couldn't quite outdo the stacks others had purchased. And Selling my clothes by the time i went down would have only earned me enough to be in one more hand. So I came in third out of 27. Which I think is pretty good considering I'm the only player in the game who never lost a single piece of clothing, and i never bought
any extra chips. Win. I got two world of darkness books, and a t-shirt for third place.
Then to rejoin the troops and head to the room parties. But I'm not in flirt mode. I'm not in party mode. I'm in poker mode. I grabbed some drinks, found my crew, and tried to loosen up. I wandered to some parties, and I moved quickly through the horrible hot overcrowded rooms. The zombie party was badly designed grossly overcrowded, and unable
to move I left and went elsewhere. The secret agent party was fun enough. They had nice costume, but I just wasn't that into talking and flirting I guess. I think I was winding down very slowly.
I wandered back to the patio, and found the wine and cheese guy again. We chatted. I got protective of him, when some asshole tried to force him to drink when he didn't want to. "No means no applies to everything" I chimed in, and once I made noise, there were several defenders at his side. I chatted more with my new friend, and decided to go to the
burlesque show together. It was funny and naughty and all things a burlesque show should be, but the exhaustion of the day washed over me as I sat their passively. I told my friend I'd try to get his contact info tomorrow (I failed at that) and then around 2 am I wandered off to bed, maybe disappointed a little, but mostly content. It had been a good weekend. I didn't get to make any great friends. I didn't fall in love, but I'm happy, and I enjoyed it. What else do you need?
Sunday:
When we woke up the next morning, the plan was to go to the dealer room to grab gifts for Isolde (one of which I may have lost), grab the t shirt I'd won from the poker game, and then we're off. There were some delays because the con didn't really open until noon. But we were pretty efficient and underway as soon as we could be.
We stopped by a waffle house for food, and drew stares from Jon's kilt amongst the locals. Already culture shock is setting in. We enjoyed our food, and rode home, talking about ideas for future panels at that con and others we can do.
This was paradise. OK not quite paradise. That would involve love, but I did not feel deprived. I felt glorious. I can't wait for next year. I keep wondering if there are more cons like this? What have I missed these many years. Doesn't matter, I wasn't ready then. I'm ready now. I want some costumes for next year. Some snazzy sexy colorful suits.
and I will be there next year.
TMI for some people, so read at your own risk. I'll try to remember how to do lj-cuts to make it easier. All that being
said:
Thursday: The Arrival
I worked Wednesday night, until 6 am Thursday morning. We were scheduled to leave at 8 am, enough time to get home, pack, and maybe take an hour nap. I got home, and around 7:30, laid down for what I thought would be a short minute. At 8:30 I woke up, and realized Jon hadn't called, and wasn't here. So I called him. He arrived a few minutes later. We loaded
the car, and headed to Kroger to get some groceries.
"Oh and we need ice. oh, and lets get some condoms, and don't forget plates, and hey lets stop by the liquor store, oh yeah we should get gas." So we're on the road by 10:40. Perhaps two severely ADHD people do not make the most practical traveling companions. But what the hell, we're going there to relax, so no harm. We still have plenty of time. It's all good.
So we drive.
Jon was using his droid/gps to get us there. I find it amusing, and I love it when you make an unscheduled stop. The GPS always sounds like it's freaking out. "No, no, turn around, get on the exit..your going the wrong way..Idiot".
He misunderstood one turn and took the wrong fork. The machine was calmly telling us we were idiots and need to take the next exit and turn around. OK, we drive forward, looking to the machine to see what we do next, when it dies. Apparently he used up all the charge for the 6 hours we were driving in a straight line. It's plugged into the car, so we know we
need to turn around we do that hoping it will come back on. We are now lost, with no directions for where we are going, or even where we are.
By the time we come to some exit choices, the droid had not come back on. So we pull over, and I call the hotel. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that i didn't know what highway I was on until she asked, but it didn't. Feeling like a fool, I continued. "I've no idea where I am..there are two exit signs." I read the exits, and she tells me since I don't
know where I am, I'll have to take that, but be careful don't turn towards the bridge turn away from it..if i end up on the bridge I'm going to go miles and miles out of my way..turn right, left, right right, half a mile, left.."
I'll get to the bridge and call you back?" "OK"
We go a few hundred feet and I find the highway sign. I call her back then. "Does it help any If I'm on 82 north." "Yes, I think so. Don't take that exit, go two exits up and turn left. It's right there."
So crisis averted we arrive. It looks like any other con to me. Same kinds of people. Some costumes, lots of geeks. I'm instantly more comfortable. I've been going to sf cons for 30 years. This is going to be OK. A couple of dozen people were in line for hotel registration. But one side of the desk is an empty cue for 'preferred members
only'. Jon gets excited and strolls up. He is a preferred member! "I go to ALOT of conventions" he explains as we get a room in seconds.
We unpack, putz as seems to be our mutual way, and head back to register for the con itself. This goes quickly too (apparently we missed the line for that too) and then we head to the bead table.
The bead table is where you build your necklace or bracelet that provides ID for who you are. Pink beads means I like girls, blue means i like boys, black for dominant, white for submissive, green for anything goes, yellow for vanilla or new, and orange for hands off without asking. (Which since that's posted in every rule, seems a little redundant, but
since it's so important for people to feel safe, I guess i get it.)
I also see some people building based on percentages. IE they are more one thing than another.
So I build mine. 2 Blue, 5 Pink (girls more than boys), one yellow (new to the con) One green (adventurous, and helps explain the yellow means new not vanilla), one white because i like to serve people to a very limited degree, and one purple.
Oh yeah, purple.
Next to the bead table there's a huge bulletin board which will eventually have hundreds of index cards on it. At the top in silver glitter are the magical words "Make a wish." They have index cards with envelopes so you can leave responses, and try to fulfill peoples wishes. Once you place a card you add a purple bead so people will know you have
a wish.
The wishes run the gamut of needs, from the practical to the ridiculous. Some are non-sexual like the guy who wished for crash space, or the one who wanted a nice bottle of cognac. Some are borderline (flirting, hugs, kisses). Some are out there (rape fantasies, random sex). Well wishing to meet people i can bond with seems a bit needy and not on the mark,
so i step back.
Many of the cards are lists, so that's the direction I decide to go. That way hopefully I'll get one wish met.
So I wrote the following:
"I'm a bi male who's new to Frolicon who has lots of wishes. I'll start with:
1> Watching others have sex in a private room. Being the voyeur, participation not required.
2> Random hugs and kisses from strangers.(Gender not important)
3> A good hour just sitting and cuddling someone (female preferred)
4> Being a third comrade to a couple. Just being along, romancing, kissing whatever."
Inspired by other cards, I left my phone so people could text me instead of me checking the board every 10 minutes and building up anxiety.
To cut through some suspense I got three out of four in some fashion. I'll let you keep reading to figure out what I didn't get. So necklace and wish list complete we wander a bit. I find myself very nervous, and quietly kind of sit and watch.
The first event I had wanted to attend is the ADD gamer party. I thought it was a reinvention of party games, but instead it turns out to be half a dozen party games, and we play one round each. It's team play, then some elimination rounds..so that someone can get the prize, which is the chance to be a party judge. Many of the games were modified to
have more sexual words in them. Jon and I teamed with two attractive ladies, and we did very well, smearing our opponents in Scattegories and Cranium Clay Sculpture Pictionary.
The game was fun, and comfortable. Starting with games to work my in was the right choice. I was glad I went. I came in second overall for the competition, because the last game was Taboo, which I'm not so good at. All in all a fine showing.
Then Jon and I grabbed some food in the room and head to the next event, the Virgin Sacrifice. Jon and I got to the Virgin Sacrifice, where all the con virgins were asked to sit in the front row. When it starts, Jon was grabbed amongst the first volunteers, where he is given a 'scavenger hunt list' and basically asked to find things like "a cat, a devil,
something fishy, and so on..mostly it's an excuse to grab people in the hall and talk to them. He does quite well. and the entire scavenger hunt last for only a few minutes (which is apparently not how the organizers planned it).
While still going through the chaotic scavenger hunt that is pummeling them with submissions, they announce the other challenges, and that the first one will be fire eating. There is an air of mystery, they won't name the other challenges until this one is complete, and they won't say what this one is, until someone volunteers.
I was feeling a bit self conscious at this point. Somewhere along the line i realize my pants are stained, and it doesn't feel like the best first impression. But no way to go change and get back. I swallow my fear, and stand up and volunteer to get it over with.
Fire eating turned out to be drinking a shot of hot sauce. OK. My stomachs gonna kill me, but what the hell.
With some anxiety I down the sauce, which tastes sweeter than it does hot. I was all prepared and had asked Jon to have some water ready, but I didn't need it. The end result is I haf the hiccups for an hour, but no other ill effects.
Actually my stomach would prove to be quite cooperative this weekend, which is pretty amazing considering how much I abused it.
Still overly conscious of my stained attire, I rush to the room and change clothes, and dress for the "Coffee Tea or
Me party", It's listed as a 60's airline theme party. dress in 60's clothes, or airline clothes. Well 60's clothes are
easy. I thrown on my tie die, and head out.
I'm nervous at first, and the party is crowded and hot. There's an extended room, that's very quiet. I slip in there, porn was running in the room, and I realized what this room was for. I slip back to the party, but due to heat and curiosity I slipped back from time to time. At one point the back room is crowded too, as a whipping demonstration took place. I even watched for a minute. Didn't do much for me, but I enjoyed watching her reactions, and well her tits, since she was naked facing us. Shrug.
Then as I sat in the main part of the party. I realized I wasn't talking to anyone, not asking anyone to dance. There were only one or two people dancing there, and the floor was crowded. I realize I'm kinda terrified. God this con may be too much for me. I stepped into the hall panicking. There was a point in my life I would have accepted the inner voice
telling me to run away, that I'm not handsome enough, suave enough, or whatever enough. I took a deep breath, "Bullshit"
I told myself. These are geeks dammit, and amongst geeks, I'm actually kinda cool." and so I convinced myself to dive back in.
It wasn't immediately better. I was still nervous. I still don't know want to say. I'm fine at being in conversations, but not so good at starting them. And it was still crowded and hot, and everyone seemed to be talking to someone else, or happy or too tense to approach. I wasn't the only person not talking to anyone. Some of these people seemed more tense than me. At least I hoped I didn't look that tense.
A little while later I slipped into the 'empty' room again, trying to feel the cool air conditioning of the nearly empty
room. This time there's a couple having sex alone in the room. It's awkward at first, and i tried to consider the rules
But this was a public room. There's no one else here, but they chose to be here. There were chairs, and so I sat and watched, and I'm anxious but It made me kind of happy. They looked up acknowledging me, and kept going. She gave a slight giggle, showing she was nervous too. My courtesy once again won out over my desires, and I stepped out feeling like
maybe I wasn't supposed to be there. Was I supposed to ask if I could watch? I'm so self conscious of these things.
That's why I'm terrible at flirting. I'm always afraid I'm going to cross boundaries I shouldn't, and make others uncomfortable. Certainly that's a common thing for geeks to do, and I am pretty geeky.
Standing in the door, there stood the only other person in the place who's wearing a tie die, which seems odd for a 60's party. I admired her shirt, and her 60's purple glasses, and she admired my shirt, which I had made myself. We talked about the 60's, and the costumes and other things
and it's fun. She was watching her husband work up the nerve to flirt with someone. Apparently he just wanted her to fan him with her big hand fan. His wife offers to talk for him, and he declines, so we watched and chatted. They've been to a bunch of these con's but "he's always like this on the first day." I felt better hearing this. More in place. Even the experts get nervous.
So she told me that she's a teacher of gifted children. She loves this con because it allows her to let go and unleash this crazy side of herself. She likes to spend almost all of her time in the dungeon which is the only kind of play she likes. She's only here for the dungeon.
It's hard to explain my reaction to this. This was all instant. You see she just instantly hit the "not available" category for me. I wasn't going to hook up with her. But she was cute and interesting and cool. And I just kept talking.
I didn't even notice it at first. I was just living the moment. No agenda, and there was no hope of one. We were just chatting and enjoying each others company. I think I confirmed this with "Yeah I don't think I'll be doing that, but we all do what's right for us." Basically That's cool, but not my thing. There is a fair chance I won't even see her after
tonight, since I won't even go into the dungeon. And yet I'm happy and still flirting. There is not a bit of disapointment. In the past I would have kept talking yes, but i would have been disapointed. I wasn't. Still letting her know I think she's cool, and funny and cute.
I finally relaxed, and I was having fun. She's great and the moment was good. She fades out, and Jon also leaves, and I got quiet again. I stepped into the hall for air this time and there's political debate. Now normally this sort of debate is my passion, but this is when I realized I was pretty drunk and civil discourse with idiots is probably not
going to go well. So I stood next to the woman who identified herself as a socialist, and listened, softly making affirmative comments to her, without actively entering the debate. We were talking on the side. I started to say something, fume a bit and she whispers to me.."you can't take it personally, just enjoy the debate. It's not about you
or them" I explained I normally could do that easily, but at the moment I was drunk, and a bit too drunk to disconnect myself emotionally. She nodded understanding. So I just listened.
She laughed at some of my comments, and we flirted. and it's all good. I lasted until the guy named FDR as the worst fascist dictator in history, and I look at her and say "yeah, I better go" she nods and I'm off to my room. I fell asleep quickly, despite the fact that our room was directly beneath the main party room of the entire con.
So be it. The white noise of Jon's apnea machine helps, and i slept very well. It is after all 3 am, and I'd been awake for 33 hours, not counting the one hour semi-nap before we left. I slept well, and I was still nervous, but happy.
Friday: The Awakening
I decided to wear my green pants, and my crazy green shirt, because I think it will go well with the 80s dance party that night,and because it is my favorite convention outfit. I looked at the schedule. Nothing going on for a bit.
I walked the halls for awhile.
My plans today included a BDSM 101 lecture. I figured I'd listen. I keep thinking maybe there's something there for me,
I'm just not sure what. There's the Cuddle party, which is laying in a room cuddling. a poly speed dating event, an 80's dance, and some room parties. That seemed like a pretty full day.
While wandering the halls I found a table for a poly convention in Atlanta in September. i talked to them, and am very interested in attending. I identified myself as a member/co-founder of UUPA and I was enthusiastic about the con.
Obviously a poly convention is very different (and more cerebral) than this con. I sat and talked about poly, and some legal things, and it was fun.
That's when I get a text message saying this couple had read my card, and would I like to meet her and her husband.
Sure. So I showed up, and within seconds i am brushed off. I barely said five words. "We'll get back to you".
I can't tell you how amazed and proud of myself I was for how little I let this bother me. Oh it bothered me of course.
Rejection always hurts. Always. But it wasn't important. It was early. They viewed my card as kind of sexual and dating material, and that stuff just works or it doesn't.
I texted them later asking If I said the wrong thing (which kind of seemed impossible) and she just said "We're very picky". I could have let this crush me. At other points in my life, that would have been the end of the con for me. But you know fuck it. if they are that shallow that they determine I'm not worthy of even just hanging out with in seconds..it's for the best. I feel good about how strongly I blew it off. I went and looked at the board, and noticed someone has posted a fantasy in which they wanted to be watched. In the end we ended up texting each other about the same time. He tells me he has to arrange time, and there may not be alot of notice, but there would be a few opportunities to set it up.
Then I attended the 101 panel. I lasted about 20 minutes and headed out. It just wasn't for me. I usually find "people just kind of spouting off info" panels pretty boring, and of course some of the ideas behind it still bother me. So instead I wandered a bit to kill the extra time, and checked out the dealers room. The dealers room was 90% BDSM stuff.
not much for me to get for others or for myself. There were two jewelry booths, and I took stock of whats there.
Then I went to the cuddle party. A fully clothed event of just laying around together. I arrived a bit late, and the room was packed full. and there seemed no good place to sit. One larger woman sitting in a chair to the side offers me her lap. Seeing little other place to be, and being glad for the overture, I sat, but i felt left out of the big piles
of bodies. Way off to the side, an outcast. But i tried to relax and enjoy. She sensed my apprehension and I explained I liked where i was, but i did come to be more surrounded by people. She understood, but she couldn't lay down, (she was a very large woman) so she was glad i was there. we cuddled for about 45 minutes of the two hour cuddle
party, and I realized this was part what i wanted. It was comfortable, and technically one fantasy fulfilled. she stroked my hair, we chatted. It was nice. But I still wanted to be in the pile. I was feeling to
left out to enjoy it. I got up and walked away. I took a deep breath, and went back and returned to her lap. I told her I was still looking for a place in the pile, but I also told her just laying in her lap had been on my wish card.
When a place opened up on the floor, she pointed it out, and I climbed in.
I looked up smiling at her to make sure she wasn't hurt, and the man I had presumed to be her partner from the conversation moved and sat in her lap. I think he'd been wanting too for awhile, so that worked out. I looked around. I had a guy to my right, a woman to my left, a woman's lap under my head, and two people kinda under my feet. It was great. One of the women turned and just hugged me and held on. Paradise. i just laid there for an hour, joking, talking and snuggling. Heaven.
At some points in my life I would have stormed off early feeling being left out But i decided to enjoy what i did have, and still seek beyond it too. would come, And it did. This was my great lesson of the weekend. The same as the pilot party, but more pronounced. And this was a pattern that would repeat itself again. Stop, take a deep breath, and go back.
Relax, and enjoy whats there for what it is. Don't give up, don't stress.
When I got up from the cuddle party, my plan was to go straight to "Poly Speed Dating" but i had a phone message (my phone was somewhere else so it wouldn't poke anyone). The message read "If you are free within the next 15-20 minutes or so, now is a good time. if not we will try again later. I checked the time. 15 minutes ago. Awesome. I emailed them and
headed to their room.
You must understand i didn't care what they would look like. In this case fat, thin none of that mattered as I was a witness. I was just watching people who loved each other get it on. That's one of my strongest turn ons. Something about being detached allows you to see the real passion, the spark in their eyes. But when I went in, they were both really amazing looking too. They were both really sexy, and my heart leaped. He had white hair, though he was younger, and a nice but not overly intimidating physique. She was sexy, svelte and had excellent facial features. For a brief moment I worried. They are gonna think I'm too geeky or something. I'm outclassed. But they smiled. He offered me water, let me pick a spot in the room, and he announced he was nervous, and he wasn't sure what to do.
I told him I was nervous too. It was OK. We'd work it out. "Where do I start" he looked at her staring into her eyes.
"It's your fantasy" she responded smiling nervously. He shrugged and they started necking. I really have trouble explaining to you what this sort of thing does for me. Watching sex, especially passionate sex,
is sometimes better than having it. The sounds, the feelings, being able to REALLY see her reactions, his reactions..I moved a couple of time to see her eyes, to see his eyes. Something about that fire that's in someone eyes...it's just amazing to me. Maybe it's the sociologist in me. And being total strangers, being locked away in a room, knowing much of
this was for my benefit. As I said, there are no words. This goes down as one of the hottest 10 moments in my life so far.
I'm not sure there being strangers helps, but me being uninvolved was certainly a big part of it. And it was just smooth. There was very little awkwardness. Everyone wanted to be there. I started hearing noises next door of loud sex.
Turns out, that was their other partners. They were laughing, and I was even more comfortable knowing it was true poly folk I was dealing with.
As they progressed, I was just amazed. I was uncertain what they wanted of course. Should I chat, should I stay quiet. Should I move around, or remain unobtrusive. I decided quite and unobtrusive was the way to go, since he was self conscious too. If I got too intrusive it might make him more nervous, and humor and chatting would probably be distraction.
I could feel her passion for him. Every moment just felt magical,and not really dirty at all. Just perfect. Next time I'll move around more, and make more eye contact, but for now, I made sure they knew i was there, moved around a little, and smiled. And yes, i masturbated of course (I had permission).
I was watching, and masturbating, but not thinking about being one of them, thinking about being me watching them. There was really no fantasy to add to it. Their movements were simple. I could sense their nervousness too, especially hers.
But she looked into his eyes, and grew calm. And th at made me feel warm. I loved every second of it. This moment was my fantasy as I'd intended. And it was their fantasy too, which made it even better. After it was over, I told them they could call me if they wanted. That they were both very sexy, and if they wanted to chat or whatever, it was up to them.
But in my head, I felt me being a stranger might be important to the fantasy. So I'd leave it up to them. (Two marked off the wish list)
After I left I realized I'd missed the poly speed dating, but that was OK, It was definitely worth it. It was time to reassess my schedule. It looked like the best thing on the schedule for me was either "poker practice" or the homebrew workshop. I decided on poker and then wandered to the room.
Only one person was there. We agree to wait 10 minutes then leave. Since that meant I was going to to go to the Homebrew workshop I called Jon to let him know I'd probably attend the homebrew late, and could he buy me a ticket for the tasting if it looked like they would run out. He said sure, but there were only 6 people there. 15 minutes later I arrived.
When i got there, Jon's kegs were on the bar, and he was leading the panel. That's an abrupt change, Apparently the person running it did not show up, so as people were leaving he said "Hey you came to talk about homebrew, i came to talk about homebrew, I want to talk about
beer with you" and poof, he ran a panel.
When someone came up to notify us the panel had been cancelled, I explained to them we just uncancelled it. They arranged to send up the person collecting charity money for the tasting, and some forms so the panel could be evaluated.
Jon ran the panel got some other people to go to their room to share more beer, gave a bunch of homebrew tips, and it went great. Everyone said it was the best impromptu panel they'd seen, and the programing director of the con came in and asked him to do it again next year. He agreed, but only if he can also do his flirting panels.
I collected the feedback forms, and made sure they got to the right people. We worked well as a team actually. I served the beer while he talked about it, and it was cool. i didn't mind being 'assistant' at all.
Then Jon and I went to the room, ate some dinner in the room, and relaxed.
The rest of the night was supposed to be room parties and the like But I've got some time to kill, so i finally found the con suite. An excellent room, though largely defined by TV watching. They were watching Up, which was fun. So I enjoyed that, and ate some food there.
I also went to the 80's dance, which was not well attended, but the people there were fun. The best two dancers there were a 300 lb 5'5 guy who knew his limits and moved very well, and a one legged woman. I found it interesting that these were by far the two best dancers in the room. I danced with both of them. and everyone else. At one point, the guy from
the voyeur fantasy and his wife were there. We winked from across the room, but didn't talk. It felt risque, even though by most peoples standards here it was not.
Now to this point, I didn't realize the Dark Room party time had been moved. This was a party I'd been looking forward to, going into a dark room and doing whatever. The dark room party was divided into three parts. The first hour was women only, the second hour was "no genital contact, no sex, just touching" and the last 1 1/2 was anything goes.
I found out suddenly that the dark room party is tonight, and it's in a couple of hours. This was probably helpful for a number of reasons.
For one, by thinking it was tomorrow I hadn't thought about it much. Less anxiety, less apprehension and less build up. Second i think in the end it laid out the con better for me. I think i would have had more anxiety if the nights had been reversed.
So I adapted to this change of plans, and on to the dark room party. I read the rules, and noted that beyond "No Means No" they added "brushing you away means no" and "walking away means no" I wandered in and the first few people I touched felt brushed off by> Upon reflection this may have been paranoiac perception. They may have just been holding my
hand, moving my hand. I really don't know. I was hyper aware of the rules "No means no, and somehow I felt like I was being rejected. Even in the dark. The brush off here, the walk away there.
Just at the height of despair I end up grabbed and snuggling with someone.
But I discover quickly, it's a very overweight transsexual, and I'm just not comfortable. she's kissing me, and I'm just not into it. I feel like I should stay. I know how rejection hurts. I'm not gonna do better. This is good as someone like me can hope for. But I'm not liking it. It takes a minute, but I know i should not have been beating myself up.
I'm not enjoying myself, and that is the point...So I walked away, and walked out the door. I was starting to crash.
This was one of the dreams of the con. and it didn't work like I'd wanted. I grabbed a drink, took a deep breath, remembered the lessons I'd learned so far, and went back.
Again there was a time that would have been the end of it. But these are my people. I do belong here, and it's all OK.
Wham, within seconds of my return I find someone stroking my hair, I turn, and there's a guy stroking my leg. A woman
kisses me. Now this is when I learned the 'fondling only hour' is pretty loose. And I knew the couple against the wall were fucking even though it was still that first hour. And another couple on the mattress were probably going at it too.
And now, suddenly, I'm getting sucked off while someone kisses me.
We fell onto one of the mattresses in the room, and I enjoyed the attention. Things got very confused, as more and more people were on the mattress. Things got switched around, and the woman on the other side of me is stroking my back while she has guys on her. Somehow I end up with her. I end up fucking her, and collapsed to the side for awhile. Watching her take an endless stream of guys.
I got up and walked around, taking a deep breath, and ended up in two more kissing marathons. Then one woman one guy and I dropped to the mattress again. He stroked one side of her while I stroked the other. A third guy tried to come up between her legs, and she declared "no" and pushed him away. In defiance of all rules and common sense he tried again,
and she locked her legs around his neck. "Your choking me" he gasped. I laughed and said "I'm guessing that's a hint that no means no".
He went away.
The guy on the other side of her declared "some people are clueless." and as if to prove it, 2 minutes later he's going for her crotch. She got up and left before i realized what was going on. He said something like
"Well that was fun, but I was hoping for a bit more." Idiot. I don't think he even understood why she left. She didn't want that kind of play, which would have been fine with me. A shame. She could have just said usher or really anything, and he'd have been thrown out. But nothing to be done. She's gone before I figured out what happened.
I wander, wondering If I should have done something sterner, falling into pity mode, when another group accosts me in the dark. We fall to the other mattress, and we start going to town. She sucks on me while two different guys take their turn with her. And that's when they announce the 10 minute warning. Then the 2 minute warning. The lights come on.
People are watching it, which makes it twice as hot. The guy fucking her finishes up, a handsome looking black guy. I look down and realize that a woman I wanted to flirt with the night before but didn't have the nerve currently had my cock in her mouth. She seemed so quiet, so timid before. Well not now. We go into the hall, and I invite her to my
room to finish up. She agrees. And we spend the night together. We go twice around she falls asleep and wakes me up in an hour to go again. Wow. Just wow. At some point i ask her name (which I won't share here, obviously) and we chat. I've no desire to get to know her really, and that's fine. She's not really interested in me either. We part ways in the morning after she has a shower. It was really nice. no attachment, no
nonsense. Somehow, in my youth i could never do this. To many guilt barriers in the way. Too many self esteem issues that would have convinced me i had to be in love with her or something. It was liberating, and wonderful.
I like anonymous sex. I'm completely happy with it, and I wish I'd been doing it my whole life so i can be
burnt out on it like so many people claim to be.
Someone quoted over the weekend "Yes you should only have sex with people you love. but, you should love everyone you meet." I like that. It's my new mantra. Mind you you don't have to have sex with everyone you love, so it's still open ended.
Yeah I'm a slut, and for the first time in my life, I feel truly proud of it, truly owning it, truly enjoying it. This is a spiritual moment for me. I'm home.
Saturday: slow decompression.
I woke up. She was getting her shower and it was all good. It's only Saturday. My god, it's only Saturday. I have more to do.
Wow. Just wow.
The big event today was going to be the masturbation party. There were a couple of panels I'd thought about going to, but I decided
I was going to relax and blow them off. It's 11:30 by the time I'd be able to leave the room. The hair of the dog party was supposed to run to 12. I love the concept so much, I decided to stop by anyway.
I rank this the best party of the con. They had made lots of space for sitting. They pulled out all unnecessary furniture, and made the room very spacious. They had fans to keep the room cool. They had great drinks, and the music is not loud enough to get in the way of talking.
They had Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers, big pots of coffee and some coffee liquors. There were some well researched 'alternative' hangover cures on a table...raw eggs are expected. But they had made jars with labels. The ingredients are fake, but it's damn funny. Rabbit Poo Tea, Dried Bull cock and Fried Canary are amongst the artificial offerings.
Apparently many people were enjoying the dried bull cock (which was in fact beef jerky.) Their intention was to put chicken strips in the fried canary jar, but they got hungry and ate them, so instead they had a jar with yellow feathers in it. i found this hilarious.
I had great conversation, and the party scheduled to end at 12 noon, ended at 1:30. I was amongst the last to leave. A crowd of us had to be ushered out. I was in party mode. I had planned on some info type panels, but i wasn't feeling it.
There was a wine and cheese art party, which felt more my speed. The wine was horrible, the cheese as boring as cheese gets. (which is still good..i mean..it's cheese!)..The conversation was good, and I met a young guy I really liked (in that non sexual way) and who's company i enjoyed. More on him later, but he was afraid to go to the masturbation party.
So he went to play porno Pictionary. The coward in me wanted to go with him, but I can't draw, and dammit there's no reason for that. The masturbation party was in the same room as the wine and cheese party, so all i had to do was stay put.
A woman got up and announced the rules.Touching is fine, even oral assistance is fine. There's a side room for actual fucking, but you were to announce you were going there so masturbators could watch. Participation was required, but participation can be grabbing towels, or doing something so you're not just a crazy staring guy.
I don't know why a crazy staring guy is so much worse than a crazy staring guy who's stroking his cock, but that's their rules. OK fine. And unlike the cuddle party and the dark room party, and the 60's party, I got right into it. I felt part of it right away. I was getting better at this stuff, and more relaxed. Of course not feeling left out if I did not
have a partner helped a great deal. It was beautiful to watch. Some people weren't really masturbating, they were teasing and having oral sex, and whatever, But quite a few were, and I felt right at home.
Everyone was part of and independent of this large sexual web we had spun. It was fun and relaxing and i felt fine with it. Despite being 'alone' so was most of the room, Men and women, and it felt right. It was fun, frolic, laughter and passion.
Then I did some more wandering, and i ran into that same guy from the wine and cheese party. He was asking the info desk where there was a good place to scavenge cheap food. The con suite kept getting ravaged and he didn't want to take from someone else. I dragged him to my room and shoveled food at him. He had an interesting and sad story to tell I can not share here, but my heart goes out to him. He was also looking to embrace debauchery. His wishes were to try a cigar, and to taste really good bourbon. So I gave him some of my really good bourbon, and got a cigar for him to try. He loved both and we hung out for a couple of hours, until i had to be at the poker game.
Somewhere in here i got another rejection from another couple. They thought I was too old. Oh well. It barely phased me.
I was way to busy anyway. So on to the strip poker game. The entry fee was five dollars for 100 dollars in chips. Anyone could do this as many times as they wanted. as they were raising money for charity. Several people at the table spent 30-40 dollars to start with 600 or 800 in chips. I just couldn't afford that crap, so I resigned myself to going out
early, most likely dominated with all the larger stacks. There was also the option to sell your clothes, each clothing item had a price. Lots of people had come uber prepared, with extra shirts and other nonsense. I just had my regular clothes. So everyone of the 27 players started with more than I did. On the average 4-5 times more than me.
One woman started in with bragging how she's a pro player, who's made 3/4 of a million dollars in poker. This puzzled me. A pro normally does not want people knowing they are pro. It's better to suck them in. By the third hand I had assessed she was completely full of shit. She was one of the worst players at the table. Even worse that the guy who'd
never played before and had a cheat sheet for what the hands were.
Soon, we were down several players, and everyone was naked having sold their clothes for extra chips. Everyone that is, except me. At one point someone walked by and said "why is he still dressed?" One of the judges who'd been watching said "because he's really good" I turned and looked at him. A player I'd taken out was standing next to him. "Yeah, I saw
What I was dealing with about four hands in, but there wasn't really any getting around him." Damn..that felt good.
In the end, I couldn't quite outdo the stacks others had purchased. And Selling my clothes by the time i went down would have only earned me enough to be in one more hand. So I came in third out of 27. Which I think is pretty good considering I'm the only player in the game who never lost a single piece of clothing, and i never bought
any extra chips. Win. I got two world of darkness books, and a t-shirt for third place.
Then to rejoin the troops and head to the room parties. But I'm not in flirt mode. I'm not in party mode. I'm in poker mode. I grabbed some drinks, found my crew, and tried to loosen up. I wandered to some parties, and I moved quickly through the horrible hot overcrowded rooms. The zombie party was badly designed grossly overcrowded, and unable
to move I left and went elsewhere. The secret agent party was fun enough. They had nice costume, but I just wasn't that into talking and flirting I guess. I think I was winding down very slowly.
I wandered back to the patio, and found the wine and cheese guy again. We chatted. I got protective of him, when some asshole tried to force him to drink when he didn't want to. "No means no applies to everything" I chimed in, and once I made noise, there were several defenders at his side. I chatted more with my new friend, and decided to go to the
burlesque show together. It was funny and naughty and all things a burlesque show should be, but the exhaustion of the day washed over me as I sat their passively. I told my friend I'd try to get his contact info tomorrow (I failed at that) and then around 2 am I wandered off to bed, maybe disappointed a little, but mostly content. It had been a good weekend. I didn't get to make any great friends. I didn't fall in love, but I'm happy, and I enjoyed it. What else do you need?
Sunday:
When we woke up the next morning, the plan was to go to the dealer room to grab gifts for Isolde (one of which I may have lost), grab the t shirt I'd won from the poker game, and then we're off. There were some delays because the con didn't really open until noon. But we were pretty efficient and underway as soon as we could be.
We stopped by a waffle house for food, and drew stares from Jon's kilt amongst the locals. Already culture shock is setting in. We enjoyed our food, and rode home, talking about ideas for future panels at that con and others we can do.
This was paradise. OK not quite paradise. That would involve love, but I did not feel deprived. I felt glorious. I can't wait for next year. I keep wondering if there are more cons like this? What have I missed these many years. Doesn't matter, I wasn't ready then. I'm ready now. I want some costumes for next year. Some snazzy sexy colorful suits.
and I will be there next year.