Psyche Spelunking
Social interactions are frequently a difficult thing for me. The various phobias and frustrations of casual contacts aside, I place very high demands upon friendship. The forlornly young history of my intimate social life is a steady stream of lessons in learning to limit myself. I must limit my curiosity, limit my desire to express and share myself, limit my enthusiasm to spend time with this new person, limit my desire for physical contact, and generally limit my instinctive desire to throw myself completely into any relationship I’ve gone through the trouble of deciding to have. Otherwise I overwhelm folks, scare them off, and anger their significant others.
All of this means that when I meet people I have this little set of note cards I have to follow in my head. Ask them questions but not too many and nothing too personal. Tell them about yourself but nothing too personal and don’t run on for too long. Shake their hand or give them a hug but don’t put your arm around them, don’t play with their hair, don’t sit close enough that your legs touch. Remember to make eye contact but don’t stare. Don’t leave right after you get there but don’t overstay your welcome (this one I’m horrible at).
It’s exhausting and infuriating and sometimes it makes me very sad.
I also have problems with the boundaries between different levels of relationships. The line between “friend” and “lover” and “mate” are frequently rather blurry for me. The only real difference I can point to is that if I sleep with a friend regularly they become a lover and if I live with them, or near as, they become my mate. The levels of emotional attachment are not significantly different for each group and individuals frequently switch roles throughout our relationship.
When I moved out to Portland I exported a couple of close friends with me but most of my Family stayed behind and keeping in touch with folks that far away, well, it’s not the same. Now I find myself two years into my stay and horribly missing that deeper feeling of connection. I’ve met wonderful folks out here in Portland but only one or two have showed any true inclination towards becoming more than friendly acquaintances, and I am leery of actively pursuing friendship because I have no internalized sense of when I am becoming “pushy,” or annoying. Then there is the unfortunate matter of pre-existing social tensions among the group I have begun to associate with which I manage to unfailingly step straight into the middle of.
Are there no other folks who feel that surface interactions fail to satisfy? Does nobody else make a hobby of psyche-spelunking? Am I truly odd enough to justify the reactions I sometimes receive?
Pardon, but I seem to be feeling rather emotionally insecure lately.
All of this means that when I meet people I have this little set of note cards I have to follow in my head. Ask them questions but not too many and nothing too personal. Tell them about yourself but nothing too personal and don’t run on for too long. Shake their hand or give them a hug but don’t put your arm around them, don’t play with their hair, don’t sit close enough that your legs touch. Remember to make eye contact but don’t stare. Don’t leave right after you get there but don’t overstay your welcome (this one I’m horrible at).
It’s exhausting and infuriating and sometimes it makes me very sad.
I also have problems with the boundaries between different levels of relationships. The line between “friend” and “lover” and “mate” are frequently rather blurry for me. The only real difference I can point to is that if I sleep with a friend regularly they become a lover and if I live with them, or near as, they become my mate. The levels of emotional attachment are not significantly different for each group and individuals frequently switch roles throughout our relationship.
When I moved out to Portland I exported a couple of close friends with me but most of my Family stayed behind and keeping in touch with folks that far away, well, it’s not the same. Now I find myself two years into my stay and horribly missing that deeper feeling of connection. I’ve met wonderful folks out here in Portland but only one or two have showed any true inclination towards becoming more than friendly acquaintances, and I am leery of actively pursuing friendship because I have no internalized sense of when I am becoming “pushy,” or annoying. Then there is the unfortunate matter of pre-existing social tensions among the group I have begun to associate with which I manage to unfailingly step straight into the middle of.
Are there no other folks who feel that surface interactions fail to satisfy? Does nobody else make a hobby of psyche-spelunking? Am I truly odd enough to justify the reactions I sometimes receive?
Pardon, but I seem to be feeling rather emotionally insecure lately.