you know who you are
Really now, just asking me this past weekend why I was even at the hospital? What's the matter, afraid to comment in my journal amongst the people who really give a crap? Or are you just painfully aware that they're onto you, that many of them always have been, and they would rip you apart just for being the thoughtless would-be-usurper that you are?
I hope you aren't surprised that you haven't gotten a response. Here's a clue for you: my MOTHER was made aware of the situation a good week before you were, and your tardiness was due entirely to choices you have made. I'm not gonna feel bad for you because you're too busy being a jerk to give a fuck about somebody who tried their damndest to be a good friend to you for the last decade, despite all the shit things that went down between us. I'm disappointed all right, but not in you. From you I could should have expected as much. No, I'm disappointed in me, for continuing to give you the benefit of the doubt after all these years. For defending you all those times I obviously shouldn't have. For allowing myself to keep thinking you might actually give a crap when you've tried so hard to prove me wrong. I should have just let you.
But fuck a should. I'm such a different person than the one you knew, anymore, that I can scarcely believe it took this long for things to go the way they were obviously going to all along. I no longer have any interest in blame, even if it's my fault, because I've learned everything from the situation of our 'friendship' that I could hope to. And no small part of what I've learned is that the following sentiment is more true than I would probably like it to be:
"When I want for you what *you* want for you, then I truly love you. When I want for you what *I* want for you, then I am loving Me, *through* you.
So, too, by the same measure, can you determine whether others love you, and whether you truly love others. For love chooses naught for itself, but only seeks to make possible the choices of the beloved other."
Or, roughly translated for you, it means that if you truly love someone, you don't run away just because your friend decides to move on with their life and pursue real happiness with someone who isn't YOU.
Which means that you never loved me. You were only ever fond of the parts of you that you saw reflected in me... and even then, only the parts of you that you like. I've also learned that you were absolutely right when you said men & women can't be friends because the men are only being more sneaky about their attempts to get in the women's pants.... but only insofar as you were talking exclusively about yourself.
For my own sake, I want you to know that this final betrayal does not wound me or cause me any pain; you forfeited that ability many years ago. It does, however, piss me right the fuck off at you, and probably on a permanent basis. Please continue to be too much of a coward to be part of my life anymore. The only reason you're still on my f-list at all is I want to make sure you see this the next time you get around to thinking about your fucked-up old friend.
Also, you're not a very good person. At all. You're going to have a hell of a hard time finding people as forgiving of that fault as I was. Good luck with that.
I hope you aren't surprised that you haven't gotten a response. Here's a clue for you: my MOTHER was made aware of the situation a good week before you were, and your tardiness was due entirely to choices you have made. I'm not gonna feel bad for you because you're too busy being a jerk to give a fuck about somebody who tried their damndest to be a good friend to you for the last decade, despite all the shit things that went down between us. I'm disappointed all right, but not in you. From you I could should have expected as much. No, I'm disappointed in me, for continuing to give you the benefit of the doubt after all these years. For defending you all those times I obviously shouldn't have. For allowing myself to keep thinking you might actually give a crap when you've tried so hard to prove me wrong. I should have just let you.
But fuck a should. I'm such a different person than the one you knew, anymore, that I can scarcely believe it took this long for things to go the way they were obviously going to all along. I no longer have any interest in blame, even if it's my fault, because I've learned everything from the situation of our 'friendship' that I could hope to. And no small part of what I've learned is that the following sentiment is more true than I would probably like it to be:
"When I want for you what *you* want for you, then I truly love you. When I want for you what *I* want for you, then I am loving Me, *through* you.
So, too, by the same measure, can you determine whether others love you, and whether you truly love others. For love chooses naught for itself, but only seeks to make possible the choices of the beloved other."
Or, roughly translated for you, it means that if you truly love someone, you don't run away just because your friend decides to move on with their life and pursue real happiness with someone who isn't YOU.
Which means that you never loved me. You were only ever fond of the parts of you that you saw reflected in me... and even then, only the parts of you that you like. I've also learned that you were absolutely right when you said men & women can't be friends because the men are only being more sneaky about their attempts to get in the women's pants.... but only insofar as you were talking exclusively about yourself.
For my own sake, I want you to know that this final betrayal does not wound me or cause me any pain; you forfeited that ability many years ago. It does, however, piss me right the fuck off at you, and probably on a permanent basis. Please continue to be too much of a coward to be part of my life anymore. The only reason you're still on my f-list at all is I want to make sure you see this the next time you get around to thinking about your fucked-up old friend.
Also, you're not a very good person. At all. You're going to have a hell of a hard time finding people as forgiving of that fault as I was. Good luck with that.