(no subject)
After discovering that some additional medication took away the constant tremors and unwell flickering, I just added it to my routine. It's working too well to stop, and it tells me that my anxiety is really high.
I'm really focused on gaining weight. I'm counting calories and using a spreadsheet to mark targets and estimate excess calories. I'm getting a scale, so I can adjust accordingly. I want to gain 1-2 lbs/wk, and not more. When I get to 115, I'll keep the same calorie goals and add back some exercise and yoga so I can build muscle.
I was really losing my perception and computation skills there for a while. My thoughts were ranging from obsessive to harmful to bizarre. I think I finally understand why my coping mechanism as a youth and young adult was to feed the fire and burn burn burn... because then it would become so loud the logical part of me that recoiled in horror at my actions was unheard.
Surgery is 2 weeks from tomorrow. Next week I have a 3 pre-op consults: one with the surgeon who did my decompression, one with the surgeon who will be operating on the 14th, and one with anesthesiology.
I'm pulling myself along. I know this surgery, especially for its benefits, is pretty easy. It the whole adjustable suture thing that has me freaking out. I mean, I do have some... generalized anxiety about having surgery, in the sense that I've had so much done in such a short time and my body just doesn't want to be cut or otherwise fucked with. The rebellion, as usual, will be in the form of swelling.
I'm really focused on gaining weight. I'm counting calories and using a spreadsheet to mark targets and estimate excess calories. I'm getting a scale, so I can adjust accordingly. I want to gain 1-2 lbs/wk, and not more. When I get to 115, I'll keep the same calorie goals and add back some exercise and yoga so I can build muscle.
I was really losing my perception and computation skills there for a while. My thoughts were ranging from obsessive to harmful to bizarre. I think I finally understand why my coping mechanism as a youth and young adult was to feed the fire and burn burn burn... because then it would become so loud the logical part of me that recoiled in horror at my actions was unheard.
Surgery is 2 weeks from tomorrow. Next week I have a 3 pre-op consults: one with the surgeon who did my decompression, one with the surgeon who will be operating on the 14th, and one with anesthesiology.
I'm pulling myself along. I know this surgery, especially for its benefits, is pretty easy. It the whole adjustable suture thing that has me freaking out. I mean, I do have some... generalized anxiety about having surgery, in the sense that I've had so much done in such a short time and my body just doesn't want to be cut or otherwise fucked with. The rebellion, as usual, will be in the form of swelling.