(no subject)
I am both disappointed and proud of my decision about having a baby. My desire is not diminished and the thought of not bringing the result of Bob and I combining into this world wrecks me.
BUT it's that exact love I have for a being that does not currently exist that would prevent me from creating it.
I am not underestimating the effect being able to see will have on my whole life, outlook, energy, etc. I know that my abilities to function will go up dramatically.
What I can't know is when or if I will flare again. Lupus flares have been manageable because of medication, but Grave's pops up more suddenly and I get the rarest of symptoms AND my eyesight will always be in danger.
If I had greater resources, I might feel differently about a baby. I don't mean money - I mean people. It took a village to raise me right. I've been so sick for so long that I don't really have that many people in my face-to-face life... and my mom and Bob's mom are at retirement age and have some health issues and live over an hour away. I can't just call someone up and say "hey, today is rough and I could use some help"... I mean, I don't even have access to a babysitter or a companion for medical appointments.
It's not that I doubt my ability to figure it out, it's that I don't think that's the right way to go about bringing a life into the world.
It's mostly moot anyway, though. I have the first eye muscle surgery in August, the second in November and then the eyelid surgery sometime in early spring 2014... that'll put me at 43 years old by the time I can even consider getting pregnant.
Which brings me to the meantime and WTF to do about birth control. I wish IUDs worked differently, but for me personally their mechanism isn't something I can go along with. I don't judge others who use them. That's why I believe in CHOICE. I get to make mine, you get to make yours. That said, an IUD would be ideal for every reason other than the bit about disrupting implantation of an embryo.
and for totally honesty... at this point, I would want to birth a seven year old. An infant - I can do that. But a toddler - the thought actually irritates me. I mean, I know it would be different were the toddle mine own, but STILL, I've done it before and it's a lot of work. 24/7. If I can't think about that work and be joyful, I have no business taking it on.
BUT it's that exact love I have for a being that does not currently exist that would prevent me from creating it.
I am not underestimating the effect being able to see will have on my whole life, outlook, energy, etc. I know that my abilities to function will go up dramatically.
What I can't know is when or if I will flare again. Lupus flares have been manageable because of medication, but Grave's pops up more suddenly and I get the rarest of symptoms AND my eyesight will always be in danger.
If I had greater resources, I might feel differently about a baby. I don't mean money - I mean people. It took a village to raise me right. I've been so sick for so long that I don't really have that many people in my face-to-face life... and my mom and Bob's mom are at retirement age and have some health issues and live over an hour away. I can't just call someone up and say "hey, today is rough and I could use some help"... I mean, I don't even have access to a babysitter or a companion for medical appointments.
It's not that I doubt my ability to figure it out, it's that I don't think that's the right way to go about bringing a life into the world.
It's mostly moot anyway, though. I have the first eye muscle surgery in August, the second in November and then the eyelid surgery sometime in early spring 2014... that'll put me at 43 years old by the time I can even consider getting pregnant.
Which brings me to the meantime and WTF to do about birth control. I wish IUDs worked differently, but for me personally their mechanism isn't something I can go along with. I don't judge others who use them. That's why I believe in CHOICE. I get to make mine, you get to make yours. That said, an IUD would be ideal for every reason other than the bit about disrupting implantation of an embryo.
and for totally honesty... at this point, I would want to birth a seven year old. An infant - I can do that. But a toddler - the thought actually irritates me. I mean, I know it would be different were the toddle mine own, but STILL, I've done it before and it's a lot of work. 24/7. If I can't think about that work and be joyful, I have no business taking it on.