change is good
i must keep telling myself that. any of you who know me at all know that i do not deal well with change. to give you all an update: i am leaving my job at the culinary school, i am going to work as a voice and piano teacher with wendy and jessica and i'm moving to the new orleans area to be closer to the music school and robin (wendy's sister that we sing back up for) for rehearsals. and i might be going back to slu to pursue my masters. lots and lots of change. my lease on my apartment that i love is up this month and casey will be moving in with another friend and i will be moving in with my mom until i start at the music school full time in the fall. then i will move to metairie/mandeville area. i'm super scared but have a peace about it. everything seems to be falling into place. all of this stuff is lining up and i am starting to dislike my job...something i never thought would happen. i had a moment when i was giving a tour and saying the exact same thing for the hundred thousandth time of do i want to do this anymore? and no was my answer. i feel like i hit the ground running every day and i feel like i am barely keeping afloat. i am constantly doing something and at the end of the day some people feel the need to ask me what i've done and i'm tired of explaining myself. i'm tired of feeling bad for having outside interests other than my job. i tired of feeling bad for having a life and not wanting to work extra hours on the weekends or evenings which is something that i welcomed in the past. i miss music. i thought i had possession of this magical switch that i could just turn off that part of me. i thought i could pacify my desire with church choir or u choir. i was wrong about that. i miss doing research and having intelligent musical conversations. i have been so happy lately whenever i am around wendy or robin because when you are around musicians, it's like all of your souls are connected just because you have that one thing in common. i don't have any music friends in baton rouge. while i love all of them and know that they love me, i still feel out of place and not like i belong. is this something that all musicians face in the real world? the feeling of being an outcast and misunderstanding? maybe i'm just being dramatic. i do know that when i am with my music friends everything is ok. there are no torn feelings, no joke that is too dorky and you can speak in other languages and everyone just kind of catches on. and if you want to bust out in song, no one flinches. it's ok. rather than mock you, they try to name the opera or composer. i love that. so hopefully, by all of these changes, my life will start to make sense again. i just want to be happy again and i am not happy right now. but it will come soon. i hope everyone is wonderful!! i love you all!!!