(no subject)
am i a mean person?
do i look mean?
i know when im mad i act mean, but in general am i a plain mean person?
if not, why am i alone?
what is so inherrently wrong with me that im this way?
this matter was brought to my attention last night.
i was sitting on the sidelines while everyone was out dancing, and then i saw this guy who was really cute looking at me......and then walking towards me.
so i sat up straighter, put a smile on, and just as he was coming up to me he veered right and asked another girl to dance.
now, normally that doesnt really bother me, but in this case, it reminded me of how alone i really am. i hate being second best. i hate being forgotten about. i hate being put on the back burner. i hate it. the only things that i really can trust in my life right now is my family, what friends i still DO have, and the dancefloor.
when i dance, that is the only time i EVER feel truly beautiful. when i dance, i dont really feel fat. i know what i am, so dont try to tell me im not. im not stupid to think that people arent superficial and dont judge me on my looks, but no one ever makes me feel really truly beautiful. inside i can be pretty ugly and horrible at times, and now that i have dance back in my life i feel like those times are getting fewer and fewer in between. im trying my hardest to make little improvements on myself and how i act, but its not the same and no matter how hard i work on being nicer, and more optimistic, i still have no one and that makes me sad.maybe God is punishing me for being the way that i was. if so, i hope i have paid my pennance, because its really getting me down.
i have no friends that still live here other than steven, all of the others i sort of pushed away. ive been trying to do better with them, talking and apologizing,and listening to what I did wrong,what more can i do to fix what happened? but im still forgotten about. i try not to let it bother me that much, but still, its nice to be remembered.
i have no one, and im fat and sad about it.
im sad.
im going to go and cry.
ill be in ann arbor this weekend.
do i look mean?
i know when im mad i act mean, but in general am i a plain mean person?
if not, why am i alone?
what is so inherrently wrong with me that im this way?
this matter was brought to my attention last night.
i was sitting on the sidelines while everyone was out dancing, and then i saw this guy who was really cute looking at me......and then walking towards me.
so i sat up straighter, put a smile on, and just as he was coming up to me he veered right and asked another girl to dance.
now, normally that doesnt really bother me, but in this case, it reminded me of how alone i really am. i hate being second best. i hate being forgotten about. i hate being put on the back burner. i hate it. the only things that i really can trust in my life right now is my family, what friends i still DO have, and the dancefloor.
when i dance, that is the only time i EVER feel truly beautiful. when i dance, i dont really feel fat. i know what i am, so dont try to tell me im not. im not stupid to think that people arent superficial and dont judge me on my looks, but no one ever makes me feel really truly beautiful. inside i can be pretty ugly and horrible at times, and now that i have dance back in my life i feel like those times are getting fewer and fewer in between. im trying my hardest to make little improvements on myself and how i act, but its not the same and no matter how hard i work on being nicer, and more optimistic, i still have no one and that makes me sad.maybe God is punishing me for being the way that i was. if so, i hope i have paid my pennance, because its really getting me down.
i have no friends that still live here other than steven, all of the others i sort of pushed away. ive been trying to do better with them, talking and apologizing,and listening to what I did wrong,what more can i do to fix what happened? but im still forgotten about. i try not to let it bother me that much, but still, its nice to be remembered.
i have no one, and im fat and sad about it.
im sad.
im going to go and cry.
ill be in ann arbor this weekend.