Thankful 1/1
This Thanksgiving has been neither the best nor the worst day of Ryan’s life, but it’s most definitely the longest. He can’t believe that everything that’s happened-shopping with Seth, meeting Heather at the beach, Sandy leading him to the motel, finally coming face-to-face with Volchok and hearing him talk about the night Marissa died, Thanksgiving dinner, and then the long talk he had with Julie about Marissa-all happened today. His mind is spinning, and as all the guests are leaving, he realizes that, for the first time, he can remember Marissa with fondness and love instead of guilt and anger.
He’s still bothered, though, by what happened earlier in the day. He’s frightened when he thinks about how close he was to killing Volchok. He didn’t, because it was hard to want to kill the pathetic, defeated-looking figure sitting there on the motel room floor, and because Marissa wouldn’t have wanted it and because, he knew, the Cohens would be devastated. But he’s having a hard time forgetting that until then, he really, genuinely wanted to kill him. He’s certainly punched a lot of people before, but the idea that he might cross a line and really hurt or kill someone terrifies him. He knows he’s really capable of it.
As he and Sandy are standing alone in the kitchen doing dishes, Ryan, his heart beating fast, turns to him. “Sandy?”
“Yeah?”
“What, um…” How can he possibly say this? “Today, when I went into the motel room…you said you trusted me, but…what would you have done if you were wrong?”
Sandy stares at him. “What do you mean, kid?”
“What if…what if I really had killed him?”
Sandy shrugs. “I knew you wouldn’t. It’s not you. You’re not a murderer.”
“Yeah, but…” How can he possibly explain? “What if you’d been wrong? I just…keep thinking about it.”
“You mean what I would have done if it had been just you who walked out of that room?”
“Yeah.” Ryan studies Sandy’s face nervously.
Sandy gives every appearance of giving the question serious thought. Then he shrugs. “Well,” he says, “I guess I’d have to prepare myself to be your lawyer again. I’d have to come up with a defense strategy, which wouldn’t be easy, and then I’d have to advise you either to take a plea bargain or go to trial. And if you did end up in prison…” He sighs. “Well, I guess we’d have to prepare to spend a lot of time visiting you. Maybe we’d move closer to Chino so we could see you more often…”
The lump in Ryan’s throat threatens to explode, and before Sandy can finish that thought, Ryan finds himself turning towards Sandy and putting his head on Sandy’s shoulder. It’s a gesture of comfort he hasn’t sought since that day at the bus station when Trey left. Sandy looks surprised, but it only takes him a second to wrap his arms around Ryan, one hand cupping the back of Ryan’s head. He leans forward and gently kisses the top of Ryan’s forehead.
“Please don’t ever leave us like that again.” Sandy whispers, his voice breaking, and Ryan realizes he’s not the only one crying. “It’s not just that we missed you, it’s…we went crazy wondering if you were safe.”
Ryan thinks his heart is going to burst with everything he’s feeling. “I’m sorry,” he says, still trying to process all this.
“I love you so much, Kid,” Sandy says, and pulls Ryan closer to him.
Ryan knows. For the first time in a long time, he really, truly knows that he’s loved. He remembers Sandy’s response when the Cohens first became his guardians and he asked what would happen if they didn’t want him anymore. “Like what, you steal a car? You burn down a house? You beat up the captain of the water polo team? Those ships have sailed, my friend.” And then, when he started high school soccer and got a two-day suspension, it had been a shock to realize that Sandy’s biggest concern was that Ryan might be taken away from them if he got into trouble. He’s done so many things wrong, made so many mistakes, but the Cohens keep forgiving him, keep on loving him.
He’s never really believed in unconditional love. His mother, after all, threw him out the first time he got into trouble with the police. Now here’s Sandy confirming that even if he did kill someone, they’d still love him.
He’d give anything to have Marissa back here with him. There are things he’d undo if he had to do life over again. But for now, he’s here with the people he loves the most and he’s thankful for the most overwhelming love he’s received or felt in his entire life.
He’s still bothered, though, by what happened earlier in the day. He’s frightened when he thinks about how close he was to killing Volchok. He didn’t, because it was hard to want to kill the pathetic, defeated-looking figure sitting there on the motel room floor, and because Marissa wouldn’t have wanted it and because, he knew, the Cohens would be devastated. But he’s having a hard time forgetting that until then, he really, genuinely wanted to kill him. He’s certainly punched a lot of people before, but the idea that he might cross a line and really hurt or kill someone terrifies him. He knows he’s really capable of it.
As he and Sandy are standing alone in the kitchen doing dishes, Ryan, his heart beating fast, turns to him. “Sandy?”
“Yeah?”
“What, um…” How can he possibly say this? “Today, when I went into the motel room…you said you trusted me, but…what would you have done if you were wrong?”
Sandy stares at him. “What do you mean, kid?”
“What if…what if I really had killed him?”
Sandy shrugs. “I knew you wouldn’t. It’s not you. You’re not a murderer.”
“Yeah, but…” How can he possibly explain? “What if you’d been wrong? I just…keep thinking about it.”
“You mean what I would have done if it had been just you who walked out of that room?”
“Yeah.” Ryan studies Sandy’s face nervously.
Sandy gives every appearance of giving the question serious thought. Then he shrugs. “Well,” he says, “I guess I’d have to prepare myself to be your lawyer again. I’d have to come up with a defense strategy, which wouldn’t be easy, and then I’d have to advise you either to take a plea bargain or go to trial. And if you did end up in prison…” He sighs. “Well, I guess we’d have to prepare to spend a lot of time visiting you. Maybe we’d move closer to Chino so we could see you more often…”
The lump in Ryan’s throat threatens to explode, and before Sandy can finish that thought, Ryan finds himself turning towards Sandy and putting his head on Sandy’s shoulder. It’s a gesture of comfort he hasn’t sought since that day at the bus station when Trey left. Sandy looks surprised, but it only takes him a second to wrap his arms around Ryan, one hand cupping the back of Ryan’s head. He leans forward and gently kisses the top of Ryan’s forehead.
“Please don’t ever leave us like that again.” Sandy whispers, his voice breaking, and Ryan realizes he’s not the only one crying. “It’s not just that we missed you, it’s…we went crazy wondering if you were safe.”
Ryan thinks his heart is going to burst with everything he’s feeling. “I’m sorry,” he says, still trying to process all this.
“I love you so much, Kid,” Sandy says, and pulls Ryan closer to him.
Ryan knows. For the first time in a long time, he really, truly knows that he’s loved. He remembers Sandy’s response when the Cohens first became his guardians and he asked what would happen if they didn’t want him anymore. “Like what, you steal a car? You burn down a house? You beat up the captain of the water polo team? Those ships have sailed, my friend.” And then, when he started high school soccer and got a two-day suspension, it had been a shock to realize that Sandy’s biggest concern was that Ryan might be taken away from them if he got into trouble. He’s done so many things wrong, made so many mistakes, but the Cohens keep forgiving him, keep on loving him.
He’s never really believed in unconditional love. His mother, after all, threw him out the first time he got into trouble with the police. Now here’s Sandy confirming that even if he did kill someone, they’d still love him.
He’d give anything to have Marissa back here with him. There are things he’d undo if he had to do life over again. But for now, he’s here with the people he loves the most and he’s thankful for the most overwhelming love he’s received or felt in his entire life.