To anyone who wants to listen
People always leave.
It's a fact.
All my life, people have been coming and going back and forth, fighting with me then making up. It's a constant battle for me to trust anyone. Out of the few people i trust, one of them yelled at me a little while ago, another feels distant and really seems to be interested only in her boyfriend, and the last one seems to not really pay attention to how i'm feeling, and sometimes i don't think they really understand me like they say they do. For one, if i make all the effort in trying to do fun things with somebody and they refuse to check their phone, and don't really seem to bother, then try and manipulate by saying how sucky a person they are, trying to make me say ' Awh, it's ok your the best' Sorry to tell you, but i don't do reminders.
One of the hardest parts of my life still today, is letting go. Letting go is only two words, but more than 100 feelings to deal with. I can't say that I'm perfect and get good grades, on club soccer, and have 'good' friends, because it seems like all of it is a lie. It's not me, not my label, not my heart. School is far from my favorite place, with its bars and fences, rules and restrictions. It's a manipulative cage.. convincing us to be greatful for getting an education. Sure, educations important, but is being locked up in buildings all day, listening to an arrogant teacher rant on, truly something to be greatful for? Sometimes i feel like fainting and just blacking out the parts of my day that can be blacked out. Like the cliques, and pleasing people, looking picture-perfect every minute of the day for some boys we think will like us if we pull our shirt down just a little more. And to the 'anorexic' name calling or better yet 'fat asses' go fuck yourselfs. Why do you care so much about how other people weigh or look like? I was called a fat ass the other night, halloween. I went home and thought of ways i could loose some pounds and possibly starve myself for a couple days, until the extra weight came off. I almost broke down from snacking yesterday, all i could think of was where those calories were going. It's hard to live up to my 5'2 perfect body petite light weight sister, when im pushing 5'5 and over 110 pounds. Sorry if I'm tall and 'thin' not short and petite. And when I can't fit into my 16 year old sister's pants, my grandma convinces me ' Your taller than your sister..your bigger.' what if i was the same height? what would the excuse for me being fatter than her be then? I don't care if she may be the most light weight person on the planet, It's one of the hardest things to ignore right now. Who can i trust these days? The answer is simple. Myself right? What if i can't even rely on my own soul to tell me the right thing to do? What if me wants to do the wrong thing? Smoking, alcohol? What if I turn into an alcoholic myself? Whats going to happen to my life? Where will i spiral then? Who will i trust enough to tell my thoughts to? If you have a legit answer, be my guest.
It's a fact.
All my life, people have been coming and going back and forth, fighting with me then making up. It's a constant battle for me to trust anyone. Out of the few people i trust, one of them yelled at me a little while ago, another feels distant and really seems to be interested only in her boyfriend, and the last one seems to not really pay attention to how i'm feeling, and sometimes i don't think they really understand me like they say they do. For one, if i make all the effort in trying to do fun things with somebody and they refuse to check their phone, and don't really seem to bother, then try and manipulate by saying how sucky a person they are, trying to make me say ' Awh, it's ok your the best' Sorry to tell you, but i don't do reminders.
One of the hardest parts of my life still today, is letting go. Letting go is only two words, but more than 100 feelings to deal with. I can't say that I'm perfect and get good grades, on club soccer, and have 'good' friends, because it seems like all of it is a lie. It's not me, not my label, not my heart. School is far from my favorite place, with its bars and fences, rules and restrictions. It's a manipulative cage.. convincing us to be greatful for getting an education. Sure, educations important, but is being locked up in buildings all day, listening to an arrogant teacher rant on, truly something to be greatful for? Sometimes i feel like fainting and just blacking out the parts of my day that can be blacked out. Like the cliques, and pleasing people, looking picture-perfect every minute of the day for some boys we think will like us if we pull our shirt down just a little more. And to the 'anorexic' name calling or better yet 'fat asses' go fuck yourselfs. Why do you care so much about how other people weigh or look like? I was called a fat ass the other night, halloween. I went home and thought of ways i could loose some pounds and possibly starve myself for a couple days, until the extra weight came off. I almost broke down from snacking yesterday, all i could think of was where those calories were going. It's hard to live up to my 5'2 perfect body petite light weight sister, when im pushing 5'5 and over 110 pounds. Sorry if I'm tall and 'thin' not short and petite. And when I can't fit into my 16 year old sister's pants, my grandma convinces me ' Your taller than your sister..your bigger.' what if i was the same height? what would the excuse for me being fatter than her be then? I don't care if she may be the most light weight person on the planet, It's one of the hardest things to ignore right now. Who can i trust these days? The answer is simple. Myself right? What if i can't even rely on my own soul to tell me the right thing to do? What if me wants to do the wrong thing? Smoking, alcohol? What if I turn into an alcoholic myself? Whats going to happen to my life? Where will i spiral then? Who will i trust enough to tell my thoughts to? If you have a legit answer, be my guest.