You're So Vain & I'm So Pathetic
Indescribable, unbareable pain. Pain I bring on myself. How do I say this without sounding like a fucking selfish bitch. How do I explain this without keeping my sanity, and not portraying myself like some boo-hooing suicidal emo/goth kid? I do I convince you that I know I have every reason to be happy. I don't take all that I have been blessed with for granted. I don't neglect to understand that I have everything I should want, and more. I should be thankful for all that I have been given, a loving mother, a very tiny gathering of faithful friends that I feel confident in confiding in, a great education, graduating in 87 days. I sincerely appreciate what my life has offered me thus far. So many wonderful memories and amazing experiences still yet to come... But for now... I feel this uncontrolable, uneasy, restless, agonizing pain of loneliness. Like I've shut myself out from the rest of the beautiful world I have been blessed with. I'm trying my damnest not to forget everything I should be so thankful to have and love.
But why? Why can't I have the one thing I want? Trent was so sincere when he said "something I can never have". Something I want more than anything else in the world... Enough though my selfish ass has everything I could ever ask for... except for this. I never lied. I brought this on myself. I welcomed the pain. So naive to believe that I could embrace it. Make myself feel alive by lying to myself. Going on pretending I could actually be happy with what I asked for. Trust me, I certainly asked for it. My headstrong psychy tricked myself into believing I was strong enough. Strong enough to endure the pain. Maybe, perhaps, even enjoy the pain for fun. Yeah... fucking fabulous idea. Pure genius on my part. Fucking hell I must be the dumbest person I know.
I have everything in the world... Everything I wanted from a childhood, wild & crazy misbehave'n teenage years, and onto a fullfilling four year undergraduate study... Still something is missing. It's the one thing I know I can't have. I can't stand to beg for it any longer. I refuse to intentionally subject myself to this kind of torture. yes, pain, blood, power... all on my list of things that seem so enticing, enchanting, and infactuating. I had it all. Now I'm nothing. I'm worthless, because I can't have you. Because you deny me?! Me? What is it? Did I miss the memo? Won't someone please clue me in. Am I that socially enept? Am I that ugly? Not beautifully enough for you? Not intelligent enough for you? Not sexy & seductive enough for your tastes? Is there some sort of major fraudian flaw in my mentality? Am I not funny enough? Am I not crazy enough? Better yet, am I too crazy? am I too intelligent? Am I too driven & strong-willed? Too controling over my own god forsakened life? Too ambious? Too funny & excentric? WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH? WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH ME? WHY AM I NOT WORTHY? WHY MUST I BEG TO HAVE YOUR ATTENTION? Why do you deny me a kiss? Why do you deny your feelings for me? Why do you lie to me? Why do I let you hurt me? This hurt is all my fault. Should I give up on it all? I want to, with all my heart. How do I not love you for who you are? How do I not want to spend every moment I can spend with you in you arms? Why do you ignore me? Haven't I given you enough distance?
Promises are for fools, right? Well then, life's one big joke, and I AM THE FUCKING PUNCHLINE, 'cause I am THE FOOL. They say, expect nothing and the happier you will live. I HONESTLY EXPECTED NOTHING! I SINCERELY DID NOT ASK FOR YOU TO WANT ME. Now I'm a toy? a game? Is this all that "love", if it really exists, has to offer? Heartbreak, bitter, jaded, worthless tears? How can you honestly deny that you have no feeling for me? And if you don't, why must you dangle me into believing that you do? Why even bother? I told myself this would be fun. Fuck this, I want off this ride. I lied to myself... Noone thinks I worth loving... fuck it. I will not even believe in the notion of being worthy of being loved then. Throw me away, so I'll throw my faith away. I'll give it all up just for a little peace of mind. Just to rest easy again, knowing that I don't care anymore. But then I'd be lying to myself again. How can I not want to be loved? How can I not want to be adored? Why am I not worthy of that? WHY?!
I'm not completely ignorant... I know there are other lonely souls out there, mourning their lost loves, failures, and rejection as I am. I don't even begin to believe that I have it the worst. I know there are those unfortunate souls you have never even came close to being loved? But was I ever really loved? Or did I continue to pretend that I was close to acquiring it?
I asked for this hurt... all of it. I brought it all on myself. Thinking I could take it all in stride must have been sheer igorance on my part. Why, or HOW, could I ever presume to believe that you would love me. I played the game. Gave you your space, let you play the field in front of my face, shruggled it off cool as a cat. I knew, as he did, that we had made our commitment clear to eachother. Your music first, always. My education first, always. Coming in second on that list makes perfect sense in my mind. We are both pursuing our dreams, happily, encouraging each other to do so, and yet... I must mean absolutely nothing to you. I'm a fucking joke to you. I placing all my money on the bet that you are laughing at me, in all your glory... thinking, "I've won! She's a fool! Now to toss her aside like trash". And even if you're not thinking that... You still haven't made the effort to make me think otherwise.
How can you tell me you miss me? How can you tell me I unlike any other girl you've know? How can you tell me that you want to be with me? Why do even bother to kiss me? If I'm not worth it, why even pretend, if I mean that little to you. Or anyone else. Obviously I'm not worth loving. Not just because I can't have you, but even more so... No one else is breaking down my door to be with me. \
So I have everything I want. Got everything I deserved. BUT NOONE TO SHARE MY HAPPINESS WITH. Noone to smile with, and embrace at nyte. And I still let you hold me. I still let you kiss me. I still let you stare into my eyes. What is so wrong with loving me? I never asked for anything from you. NOTHING! Just a kiss, a stare, to be adored, to acknoledge my existance. Just a little attention, in the few and far in between times I actually get to see your face. Every moment is torture, because I can't just run into your arms & press your lips against mine. Let our touges touch. Feel your arms wrap around me. Breathe in your breath, and listen to your heart beat against mine. Who wouldn't want that? I even told you to go and be free, happy, "play the field", don't be alone.
I'm pathetic... you don't even have to remind me. Trust me, I already know. I'm fucking worthless, and I don't need anyone to remind me that I have been love, that I am love, and that I will be loved, by the "right" person, when the "time is right". With all sincere respect, It not going to make me feel any ounce of better... because I have to believe it. And I simply can't, at least not right now.
It's noone's fault but my own. If you actually took the time to read this... that's more than I could have asked for, and definately more important to me than any "cheerfull" comment you could try to convince me to believe. Again, I have to believe in myself first. I have to be the one to stop lying to myself, stop pretending I am stronger than I am, falling hard, and then letting myself slip away into a fog of unrest and heartache. I can't even tell him, because he would be too disappointed in my weakness. I am weak. I am sorry. He'll have to forgive someday. Someday he could actually find me worthy, and understand that noone is perfect. No matter how much I try to be that perfectly, easy-going, cool chic, you cares about nothing but living a crazy life of rock 'n roll. But deep down inside, I know that's who I am, or at the very least... who I want to be. I just don't want to be the me that I am right now, anymore. When will I ever be worthy of you?
I am not even worth the time it took to write this. I'd rather die a firey horrible death than recieve sympathy for my own failures. Just let me me, alone, for now. And maybe, just maybe, I'll come to terms with my independence, and forget about the love I never had.
EriN Elaine xxii
02.02.2006