(no subject)
I don't know what I am doing anymore. I have become completely devoted to a group of my friends and the other ones, I completely ignore; or I don't seem to find the importance in committing myself to their plans. I skip classes, too. I've skipped a lot of class. I don't know what is the matter. I've become an absent-minded person. Part of me is afraid, I think, to move onward with my life. I am too comfrotable with the familiar. I hang out with my roommates because they are there. It's easier that way. I don't have to think up plans to do anything, they just happen naturally. And it's not as if I purposefully (though it certainly looks that way) choose one over the other, I just feel afraid of hanging out with certain friends. Some of them, I'm afraid of sex that could happen. And others I justify to myself in other ways. For example, I was going to go to a Film Committee Anti-Social. The day before I had gone camping and on the way back everyone was gonna go get something to eat. It was close to the time that the Anti-Social was going to start and I would have had to hustle to shower and get over there. How did I justify going to eat with everyone? The movie that we were going to watch, I owned it and had seen it many times before. Would it have been fun? Almost certainly. Would I have been able to hang out with those people tha tI don't hang out with a lot? Definitely. But I chose not to because of an arbitrary reason and laziness.
This kind of persona continues into my actual life, as well. What am I going to do for the rest of my life? I don't know. I have ideas. I could apply to FSU for grad school, get a masters in Humnaities, take Latin and Greek whileI am doing so and then go somewhere else to get a doctorate in Classics. Or I could stay here in Tallahassee, get a well-paying job, take Latin and Greek classes, then apply to grad school here at FSU, and get a doctorate or masters in Classics. Or I could skip a semester and go to Europe and then do one of those things. I just don't know yet. I'm not even sure what I want to be "when I grow up". Sadly, I haven't. I wanted to make films. Now I have a want to write stories. I just have no idea anymore. And I know, "You don't have to worry about that stuff yet, Erik, it will come to you, you have your whole life ahead of you!" Well, I'm sorry, that's bullshit. I do have my whole life ahead of me, and while it's nice to chill and everything, I'd like to not wander aimlessly through life. I'd like to find some kind of purpose for myself, if only to make myself feel useful to me. I don't necessarily want to win a Nobel Peace Prize or anything like that, I just want to be able to wake up in the morning and know what I am going to do and be able to enjoy it.
As for my love life, it just completely frustrates me, I've stopped trying. I get the feeling as though I can't win. Part of me says I need to get the rest of my life figured out before I attempt that. And the other part of me says I should get that part of my life figured out before I attempt to figure out the rest of it. I am just so frustrated and I feel burned out.
This kind of persona continues into my actual life, as well. What am I going to do for the rest of my life? I don't know. I have ideas. I could apply to FSU for grad school, get a masters in Humnaities, take Latin and Greek whileI am doing so and then go somewhere else to get a doctorate in Classics. Or I could stay here in Tallahassee, get a well-paying job, take Latin and Greek classes, then apply to grad school here at FSU, and get a doctorate or masters in Classics. Or I could skip a semester and go to Europe and then do one of those things. I just don't know yet. I'm not even sure what I want to be "when I grow up". Sadly, I haven't. I wanted to make films. Now I have a want to write stories. I just have no idea anymore. And I know, "You don't have to worry about that stuff yet, Erik, it will come to you, you have your whole life ahead of you!" Well, I'm sorry, that's bullshit. I do have my whole life ahead of me, and while it's nice to chill and everything, I'd like to not wander aimlessly through life. I'd like to find some kind of purpose for myself, if only to make myself feel useful to me. I don't necessarily want to win a Nobel Peace Prize or anything like that, I just want to be able to wake up in the morning and know what I am going to do and be able to enjoy it.
As for my love life, it just completely frustrates me, I've stopped trying. I get the feeling as though I can't win. Part of me says I need to get the rest of my life figured out before I attempt that. And the other part of me says I should get that part of my life figured out before I attempt to figure out the rest of it. I am just so frustrated and I feel burned out.