(no subject)
I love that I feel so mature and ahead of the game in certain situations...but I hate that I feel like a complete infantile rookie in other situations.
I love that I feel confident and self-assured 98% of the time. But I hate those moments when I think that everything about myself is all wrong.
I wish my positions in life (skool status, job status, relationship status, financial status, spiritual status) matched the maturity and readiness that I feel that I possess.
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Today was kool. Memorial Day. Slept in as long as I could. Woke up with major headache as per usual. Watched television. Got IMs and voicemail from Amber and Alisha, so showered and headed over to their house for a cookout. It was good to see Amber, Dave, Mike, and Alisha. Haven't seen that crew since skool let out. It was fun. Dogs galore. Came home. Lindsey and Adrian came over. Just chilled and watched TV. Nothing special. I am in a bind. For the past week or so, I have been itchin' to go out and run the streets. I am no longer content to just sit in my living room all night anymore. And I don't want to go to a club or to a bar. And I don't truly wanna go to the movies or the bowling alley or anything like that either. I basically just wanna go to get-together's...but not at my own house. I don't know...it's confusing and I can't put into words how I feel.
Part of me knows that just havin friends over to sit in my living room is the best thing for me right now...not much trouble to get into, it's cheap, and when I'm done with the good time, I can just say goodnight to everybody. And there's no expectations at my own house...I can't really be disappointed with the way the evening goes. There's no let-down. I went through my little drink and smoke stage when I was 19-20...but I never did anything like get sloppy drunk and mess around with random dudes. And crazy and sluttish as it sounds, I kinda want to now. I know that's nothing but loneliness and sickness of the single life that makes me feel that way. But geez...it sure sounds fun. I wanna push the limits with every attractive male I see. Last night, Lindsey and I went and hung out with Keno, an old Red Lobster head. It was sooo good to see him. But his two friends that were there were soooooo cute. If I had been drinking and Lindsey wasn't there, I probably would've tried to see what was up with one of them. Isn't that sick?
I painted my toenails. Just for kicks.
This apartment is really hot for no good reason. The air is on and it does not kick off. But it never truly cools off in here. Doesn't feel good until the sun goes down. It's sickening.
It really doesn't feel good to question almost every aspect of your life...
I love that I feel confident and self-assured 98% of the time. But I hate those moments when I think that everything about myself is all wrong.
I wish my positions in life (skool status, job status, relationship status, financial status, spiritual status) matched the maturity and readiness that I feel that I possess.
**********
Today was kool. Memorial Day. Slept in as long as I could. Woke up with major headache as per usual. Watched television. Got IMs and voicemail from Amber and Alisha, so showered and headed over to their house for a cookout. It was good to see Amber, Dave, Mike, and Alisha. Haven't seen that crew since skool let out. It was fun. Dogs galore. Came home. Lindsey and Adrian came over. Just chilled and watched TV. Nothing special. I am in a bind. For the past week or so, I have been itchin' to go out and run the streets. I am no longer content to just sit in my living room all night anymore. And I don't want to go to a club or to a bar. And I don't truly wanna go to the movies or the bowling alley or anything like that either. I basically just wanna go to get-together's...but not at my own house. I don't know...it's confusing and I can't put into words how I feel.
Part of me knows that just havin friends over to sit in my living room is the best thing for me right now...not much trouble to get into, it's cheap, and when I'm done with the good time, I can just say goodnight to everybody. And there's no expectations at my own house...I can't really be disappointed with the way the evening goes. There's no let-down. I went through my little drink and smoke stage when I was 19-20...but I never did anything like get sloppy drunk and mess around with random dudes. And crazy and sluttish as it sounds, I kinda want to now. I know that's nothing but loneliness and sickness of the single life that makes me feel that way. But geez...it sure sounds fun. I wanna push the limits with every attractive male I see. Last night, Lindsey and I went and hung out with Keno, an old Red Lobster head. It was sooo good to see him. But his two friends that were there were soooooo cute. If I had been drinking and Lindsey wasn't there, I probably would've tried to see what was up with one of them. Isn't that sick?
I painted my toenails. Just for kicks.
This apartment is really hot for no good reason. The air is on and it does not kick off. But it never truly cools off in here. Doesn't feel good until the sun goes down. It's sickening.
It really doesn't feel good to question almost every aspect of your life...