Excerpt from my pen and paper journal...
I believe my mother has a habit of trying to impress people. When I was with her and her friends this evening, she kept insisting that I was going to graduate school and she kept telling them that I have straight A's. Apparently she has not heard me or taken me seriously when I told her that I am not interested in grad skool right now. And I honestly don't think she has a realistic concept of what graduate skool is like, what it takes to get in, or how rigorous it is. And I have a hand-full of B's and C's and even a D- on my transcript, so this straight-A business is not even true. And I honestly don't think she really cares what I do with my Ph.D, just as long as I have it. To her, it's merely a status symbol. She doesn't care if I make a relevant contribution to society. She doesn't care if I'm truly happy. She just wants me to have that "Dr." label. So trivial. She wants to be associated with the prestige that is sometimes associated with having a Ph.D...through me. And it was probably somewhat embarrassing this evening, the way I kept negating everything she said. But I was being honest...grad skool is not in my immediate future. I do not have straight A's, so there's no real reason to act like I do. She just kills me, how's she hung up on my having a Ph.D. Does it really matter? No. Does having that particular degree guarantee me peace and happiness in life? No. Is it the key to success? No. Does it mean that I will reach all my goals and forever be fulfilled? Absolutely not. Does a doctoral education automatically mean I will be wealthy? Surely not. So what the heck is so freakin' important about it? I want to ask her all these questions because I'm curious as to what her answers will be. But I truly want to know why she's so persistent about the matter. I believe she's living through me. Vicariously. She desires a Ph.D, but knows she probably won't get one...(she's like 50, she ain't goin to grad skool), so she wants me to earn mine. It's so ridiculous. I love my parents to death, but I wish they had education beyond high skool. Not because I think they aren't intelligent...but because I wish they knew more about what college is like. How demanding it can be. How time-consuming it can be. I don't think they have a true grasp on how frustrating it can truly be. My mother is enrolled at St. Mary's, no doubt...but the distance program does not truly compete with actual classes. I've taken an internet course, I know they're cakish. And at one point this evening, I told my mother quietly, "I do NOT have straight A's." And she said "there's no reason why you don't." I said "maybe I could have them if I didn't have to work so much." And she said "well, that's part of life, we all have to work." OH FORREAL, I DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THAT? She just really pisses me off by making comments like that. I know good and well that work is a part of life...ya gotta do it to get by. It's not anybody else's responsibility to pay my rent and my bills but my own. I'm grateful for my parents for payin for everything else. But it still just irks me to have her say that. As if I haven't done my best. As if what I've done is not good enough. Because I feel that my mother's situation is a bit easier than mine. She makes her money all day, then comes home around 7 or so and does homework until time for bed. Yeah, I could have a 4.0 if I had that set-up. However, I have class all day, work until 11 or so every night, then I finally start homework at like midnite or so. Totally different situation. And she's in school strictly because she wants to be. I didn't really feel like I had a choice in the matter. I was pretty much told my whole life that I was going to college when I graduate high skool...so no other options got explored. Not that I did desire it or that I desire it now, but I think I could've trained and made it through boot camp for some branch of the military. Would have led to something more relevant than what I'm doing now. It would have been a means to an income with good benefits, not just idling through this institution known as education, with which I'm 100% fed up.