Cayley's little bandwagon thing...
I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.
Social work exam tonight...Not too nervous, but nervous enough. It's really windy out today, which isn't helping the present situation. I feel like I need to get out of here, you know? I mean, I know this is home, and all through this year, I couldn't wait for school to be over so I could come home and work and not think about anything but my own personal issues and stuff, but I just want to get out of here. I'm bored as hell, and completely dissatisfied with my life. Who am I living it for? Certainly not myself as of late. You know the most concrete example? And I know this is stupid but my hair...I hate it. Want to cut it all off. And why won't I? B/c Dug makes that stupid face whenever I consider it out loud...That squingy face which makes me feel so damn ugly. And I know that I shouldn't care if he thinks that I'm ugly or not, regardless of what I do, but I do. God, since Cayley and I broke up, I have been so insecure about how I look and how people perceive me physically. Dug is just so normal and mainstream (in some ways...not in all ways) that I feel this pressure to be the kind of girl that he likes, you know? In the past, I was beautiful B/C I shaved my head, b/c I did whatever the hell I wanted with my appearance and b/c I fucked with gender stereotypes. Lord knows that the last thing I want to do is break up with Dug, but I don't know how much longer I can handle this feeling of being controlled by what I think he wants. I just feel this pressure to conform when I'm around him...And if I don't, I feel like I'm not being taken seriously...I'm increasingly feeling as though he treats me like a little kid...Fuck, he even talks to me with a baby voice. It's making me insane. I feel coddled and yes, babied, and FUCK! I'm just so mad now...Why can't he treat me like the adult I am? It's really fucking ridiculous. He even calls me "baby", which to be fair, I didn't mind so much and first and don't get me wrong, when we started dating, I wanted exactly what he's giving me now...That feeling of being protected, of being watched over and loved, you know? But now, I need something more adult. Or at least something teenager-ish. Maybe it's all my own fault. Maybe, like Cayley said, I've permanently branded myself a child and so I will be forever treated that way.