(FIC) How Long, Until We Find a Way? 1/1
Title: How long, until we find a way?
Author: konishi_zen
A Gift For:Rakehell_leader
Characters/Pairings: Always a girl! Erik Lensherr/Charles Xavier
Rating:Mature due to angst, insinuations of violence and references to WWII, The Holocaust (especially “The Joy Division”), Testing facilities and forced interment of minors.
Length:4170
Summary: Charles Xavier meets Erika Lensherr and is immediately smitten and wants her in his life. The same circumstances that pull them together, pull them apart. Until a set of terrible circumstances could be the last connection that could get them to stay together.
One
Charles doesn't want to be drawn to Erika Lensherr. But after having been in her mind, a curious mixture of metal and cashmere, he knows he can't stay neutral as he has done with Raven. This woman, who can easily manipulate metal at her beck and call, won't be so easily slotted into that category, no matter how much he wants it.
He studies her, that night and the night that they arrive in the CIA compound. He takes in her angular features, her deep blue-green eyes and the fall of her dark brown hair. Her slim body and her generous breasts. The curve of her hips and her long legs. He feels a bit like a predator, but even after being in her mind and studying her so closely...he can't figure her out. He's wary of her...yet he can't stay away from her.
She's a sheathed weapon, he gets that all too clearly and he should stay away.
Yet he can't help himself and his curiosity draws him closer to her. He has to ask himself why she's so different from the other women he has encountered and pursued to mixed results. He doesn't think that it's just because of her power. Raven's a mutant and he never fel the attraction that he feels towards Erika. She's fierce and single-minded in her ambitions and vocal about stating her points.
He tries to keep his thoughts behind his eyes and treat her like he treats Moira.
Charles knows full well that if he pushes her, Erika will walk away. Even though she's not indebted to him, he wants her to stay. Even though he has only known her for such a short time, he can't bear to have her walk out of his life, never to be seen again.
That's why he follows her outside, when she's about to walk with her crisp suit and briefcase and court shoes. He can't let her go without a fight.
“What do you know about me?” She asks him, the words quietly sharp, her voice a weapon in itself. It's silver and velvet all at the same time and Charles shivers despite the menace of it.
It also prompts him to answer honestly.
“Everything.”
She shakes his head and turns back, her walk deliberate as she moves toward him.
“Then why haven't you made your move yet?”
He blinks and is stunned for only a moment before he makes short work of the distance between them to embrace her and capture her mouth with his.
She's tall for a woman, but she fits in his arms perfectly as he ravages her mouth with the same intensity as a drowning man would cling to a rope. She returns his ardour with the same, or maybe more intensity and they break apart from the kiss with reluctance once they realize where they are standing.
“Your room or mine?”
Charles has to smile at the question.
“Yours. I can always misdirect anyone that sees me leave in the morning.”
She laughs and they head inside. Not quite together, but not quite apart either.
Two
She doesn't sleep that much, having been used to being on the move to endure her survival. So the rare times that she sleeps late are precious to Charles. It's the only time that he can watch her be so unguarded. It's also one of the few times that he can appreciate her beauty without her scrambling to cover herself up or make some kind of protest when he has complimented her.
She doesn't think she's beautiful, he has gathered that much from her surface thoughts. She's too tall, too thin. Too scarred. Charles doesn't see that.
He sees the soft swell of her hips as she lies on her side. Her ivory skin and her soft breasts that fit perfectly in his palms so that he can savour the weight of them. He loves the small hollow in her collarbones. The way that her hair is a perfect shade of chestnut as it is spread over the pillow. How her pupils swallow her eyes and her lips turn a deep pink when he thrusts into her.
He knows of the scars on her inner thighs. On her back and on her wrists. The crooked numbers that are tattooed on her forearm. But they don't detract of who she is. He guesses at the shiny pink scar tissue above the numbers. He's not naive. But he doesn't care. She's not her past. It's a sum of who she is and doesn't define her. She's Erika Lensherr. She's with him and that's all that matters to him.
She's shown him as much of herself as she has been able and he has returned the favour time and time again. He's memorized the secret of her. He cannot forget the scent of her. Or the way she arches her back and cants her hips towards his face as he devours her like a forbidden treat. Her taste is intoxicating-sharp, slightly sour and just this side of musky and he cannot get enough of her.
He only sees the soft smile on her face when she curls up into him after they're both sated and replete with each other. He loves the blush on her chest and the way that her eyes widen and her mouth rounds into an “oh” of gentle surprise. He's sure that he's the only one that has seen that side of her and the knowledge makes his heart hurt just a bit.
Erika is beautiful to him. In her tenderness and in her fury as they argue ideologies over an antique chessboard and glasses of fine scotch. In her determination at mastering her powers and in her mischieviousness, that which comes all too rarely.
(He's willing to forgive her shoving Sean off the satellite dish, since it did help him improve his powers and she had laughingly admitted that she could have kept him from killing himself due to the buckles on his harness. The blowjob in the library also helped quite a bit. Erika could be utterly devious when she put her mind to it and wasn't above petty manipulation. That was okay. He wasn't above that either)
Three
“Why didn't you do it?” Charles asks her after they come back to Westchester. The world knows about them now. After Shaw died and the Russians and the Americans were so close to causing another war. Erika had flown out of the wreckage, bleeding and wincing and ever so furious when she had seen the missiles.
Charles had been stunned at how easily she had held them aloft, almost no effort showing on her face as she had berated them for their stupidity. No one had moved on that beach as they had waited for her to determine the next events.
“It's not worth it. It would just make me as bad as them.” She declares before exploding all the missiles and turning away to Azazel and negotiating their passage home. She barely looks at Charles as she does this and Charles lets it go at that moment. There will be an explanation for her actions later.
Now that he's watching her walk out of the ensuite bathroom, her skin pink from the bath and her hair wet and tangled, he has to know. Charles knows what happened between her and Shaw. Knows of the words she spoke to Shaw before she drove the coin through his skull. Knows her feelings on the matter.
What Charles wants to know is why she changed her mind. He knows her determination to keep mutants safe from humans. He knows what she went through in the camps and what she did after she escaped from those horrors and Shaw.
But he doesn't know why she chose inaction this time around.
Erika ignores him as she takes a comb from the dresser, sits on the bed, and starts working on the tangles in her hair. Charles frowns, but doesn't say anything, opting to wait until she gives him her answer. He can be patient if he has to be. She knows that about him as well.
“Would you have wanted me to do it?” She asks him calmly as she puts the comb down and looks at him for the first time since they left Cuba.
“No. But I know how you think. We have had enough debates and discussions about how to protect mutantkind. I know you favour action and self-defense and even isolation. I know you have been hunted down for who you are and you won't ever tolerate finding yourself at the wrong end of a gun.”
Erika listens quietly to all that he has to say and nods in agreement once he is finished. She stands up without saying a word and walks over to Charles. She's standing in his personal space, something she doesn't do so willingly if she can help it. Charles watches her curiously, but remains quiet.
He has a feeling that if he speaks, the moment will be broken. So he waits.
Her eyes are a dark stormy blue as she takes his hand and places it on her stomach. Charles inhales sharply when his hand comes in contact with her towel-covered middle. It's a faint nudging along his mind, but it is there. It's not developed enough for him to pick up thoughts or feelings. But it is there.
“I do believe in action, but I don't believe in raising a child during a war. It didn't do me any favours and I promised myself if I was ever to be a mother that it wouldn't be the same for any child I had.”
She pauses and looks at him, her eyes wide and impossibly bright as she does so.
“I lost my family. You've not really had one. Giving up the chance to build a family with someone that knows me inside out, that trusts me as I trust them...it simply wasn't worth it.”
Charles doesn't speak. He can't.
He kisses her and shows her how much she means to him instead.
Four
It's fraying, her will and her composure to follow Charle's path. To not be the one who starts the fight. Charles watches Erika be a mother to their daughter while she waits for the inevitable. He wants to believe that she's settled and happy with the life they were building in Westchester. He sees how careful she is with Anya and how she dotes on her and keeps her safe, showing the tenderness that Charles had not seen her display outside the privacy of their bedroom. But the sitting still, the waiting is starting to wear on her and he knows that it is something she has to work out herself, because nothing he says will change her mind about her dire predictions.
He does his best, doting on her and their daughter and encouraging her to be involved in the school life, which she does by taking on some language courses when she's not with Anya. But even his best is not enough, and he doesn't know how to stop their inevitable separation. Charles is an optimist, but even he cannot deny that with every day that passes, they're falling apart.
Then the Sentinels come and Erika gives him a bitter smile as they make sure their daughter is safe before they head out to meet their foe.
“They're here, Charles. Do you still think we should try and co-exist with them after this?” She asks him, her voice taut with bitterness while she zips up her jumpsuit and puts on her gloves.
Charles watches as he does the same thing and looks at the mother of his child. He steps up to her and cups her cheek with his hand, tracing her bottom lip with his thumb.
“I don't know. But I want to hope so.”
She sighs and leans into his touch.
“Despite being proven right, I want you to know it doesn't bring me any satisfaction.”
“I know. I really do know that, Erika.”
She smiles faintly at him and raises her own hand to cover his as she opens her mouth to speak, Alex arrives and interrupts them. They need to move fast.
Five
Erika takes a deep breath and presses her hands against her eyes in a futile attempt to stop the tears from overflowing. But they still do either way.
“I'm so sorry, Erika. I wish that I could do something so that you shouldn't have to cry.” Charles whispers as he slowly raises his hand to tangle his fingers in her hair, the dark brown locks having long escaped the braid she had twisted them in.
She takes her hands away from her face and looks at her lover as he lies in that hospital bed in the infirmary, bruised and broken and never to walk again. They already have been told that by Hank, not wanting to hold out false hope.
“How can I not cry, Charles? It is Germany. It is Poland all over again. What will it take for you to see that this dream of yours simply cannot be?” Erika hisses at him and Charles closes his eyes.
“Erika, it won't. We will try to work with them. We will-”
“I cannot stand by idly Charles. They have hurt you. They have taken our daughter. I have tried, Charles. I have tried very hard to follow your dreams for the sake of your love and the life of my child. But my Anya is gone. You have been wounded. This is the second time. I cannot let there be a third time.”
Charles pales at her quiet words. He has known this day would come. Has prepared for it. But it is a thousand times more painful than he ever imagined to have her say this to him.
“Are you finally leaving then?” He asks her in a deadly calm voice. Erika looks at him steadily before she swallows hard and nods.
“Forever?” He has to know if there's still hope. That he can hope for her to come back despite the agonizing losses he's facing and prepare to act accordingly. He has to know whether he has to mourn both his daughter and his lover so that there aren't any surprises down the road.
“I don't know.” She finally tells him. “I need time to mourn all of this, Charles. And I do not know if I can do it here. I'm sorry, Charles. I really am. But I need time.”
Charles lowers his hand and sighs deeply. His heart is breaking over the loss of Anya, his legs and now his Erika. But he wants to be fair. He also knows that if he tries to keep him with her, she will wither. He can't bear to be the author of that misery, no matter how much he wants to keep her by his side.
“Do what you must. But remember that you can always come home again.”
“And to me. Please don't forget that either.”
Erika wipes her eyes and leans over to kiss him before she sweeps out of the room.
Six
Alex is the one to come into his library out of the entire team and that surprises Charles. Usually, it is Raven that comes in to de-brief after the mission is done. The fact that Alex is the one here makes Charles automatically pull his guard up. He's already felt the press of unfamiliar minds. Mutant minds, so it is a relief to see Alex waiting to report.
“What did you find out? Was there any substance to the reports?” Charles is the first one to speak and Alex frowns. Charles can feel Alex's turmoil and the frantic need to put the words together properly for what they have found. Charles waits in a pose of seemingly outward calm, but he is starting to dread what Alex will tell him.
He feels a slight bubble of hope rise in his chest. It has been a year since Erika...He cuts off that thought forcefully. He will sink into morose speculations the entire night if he doesn't stop that train of thought right away. She is gone. But Alex isn't.
“They were keeping mutants against their will there.” Alex starts slowly, making Charles blink in rapid succession as his mind goes through all of the scenarios that had only been hinted at in the paperwork.
“How many? What ages?” Charles asks, pushing his emotions aside and listening objectively.
“Twenty. Teenagers and children mostly. Some only a few months old.”
Charles' hand covered his mouth in horror at the information. Children. Babies. Trapped in a facility like laboratory animals simply because of their genes.
“It is Germany. It is Poland all over again.” Erika's words come unbidden in his mind and takes a deep breath to compose himself again. He can't help anyone if he doesn't put the past where it belongs. Nor can he help if he starts to harbour the same hatred and disgust that drove those people to imprison children and babies for experiments.
“Where in the mansion are they?” Charles forces himself to ask.
“With Hank. Seems that they hadn't done anything serious to them yet. We found files and blueprints. Sean will bring them up soon.”
“I assume that's the reason why Raven isn't the one doing the reports, then?” Charles asks carefully.
Alex frowns and Charles can see the internal battle before he speaks again.
“She's down there for a different reason. One that you maybe should see for yourself, Professor.”
Charles doesn't hesitate to follow Alex as they head to the infirmary. There's a note, a catch in Alex's voice that tells him to not waste time.
He also suspects it has to do with Erika, so he hurries without saying another word.
Seven
Sean is the first one they see standing just inside the doorway, a bundle cradled in his arms. He looks faintly shell-shocked as he holds what Charles assumes is one of the babies they found.
Raven comes second and she's flushed a darker blue with distress.
“Why did you bring him so soon? I thought we agreed to give them time.”
Charles is confused at his sister's behaviour, but Alex and Sean are non-plussed by it.
“It is fine, Raven. He was going to find out eventually.”
Charles gasps when he hears that voice that he so longed to hear for a year. Raven shakes her head in displeasure and goes into one of the cubicles Hank has set up and returns moments later with Erika leaning heavily on her with one arm as she walks slowly toward Charles.
Alex has disappeared, but re-appears quickly with a chair that Erika gratefully sinks into. They disappear after that, leaving Charles and Erika to have privacy.
Charles studies her face and body and sees changes in them. Her hair has grown longer and her face is somewhat softened. The bruises and dirt smudges on top of that make her look more delicate and vulnerable and Charles curses the fact that he can't stand up and put his arms around her. She's also got dark circles under her eyes and he can see her breasts are bigger, just like they were when...
Erika's swollen mouth curls up when she sees his eyes widen in sudden epiphany.
“Where is the baby?” Charles asks shakily.
“Sean is holding your son, Pietro. Your daughter, Wanda is with Hank. He is making sure that they are well.” Erika replies, her voice rough and gravelly as she speaks. Charles blinks and his mouth opens and closes as he digests the news. He's got a son and another daughter. He will have to meet them and to let them know he is their father. But right now, he needs to talk to Erika.
“How were you there?” Charles asks her, leaning over to cover her hand with his. She lets him and covers his hand with her other hand. Her hands are roughened and chapped and Charles has to wonder what she has been doing to make them so. But their roughness doesn't detract from her touch and the soothing warmth it has always brought him.
“They stole my children from me. So I went to take them back. But they incapacitated me. We were there for several months. ”
Erika explains, sketching a clear picture with her stark words. The rest is obvious-Alex and the others had shown up and freed them all, bringing them to the mansion to regroup.
Charles itches to ask more questions, but he can see Erika is tired and injured. He knows that there is more to her story, but he also realizes that if he pushes any further, he will not get anything from her.
“They won't do that to anyone again.” Charles promises, his voice harsh as it hits home how much was at stake with the last mission. It wasn't just Erika that he could have lost, but Pietro and Wanda too.
Erika's hand tightens around his as she listens to what he has to say to her.
“They won't do anything to Pietro or Wanda either. Or to you ever again. I promise.”
Erika doesn't say anything more, but Charles can feel her relief as clearly as she has spoken it.
Eight
He admits that he's looking for Erika to reassure himself that she hasn't left in the middle of the night. Even as ludicrous as he knows the emotion to be, he still has his moments of entertaining his fears. Fears that he's very well aware are groundless. If (and he knows that nowadays, it's quite a big if)Erika decides to leave, she will do it without any subterfuge on her part rather than sneak out in the cover of night. She has that much respect for him and everyone else in the estate. Especially after what they did for her and her children.
“Our children.” He reminds himself. He still is in shock over finding out that he is the father of the twins, who seemed to take more after their mother than him. Except for Pietro's piercing blue eyes, he couldn't really see more of himself in them. Wanda maybe has his smile, but at less than a year old, it is difficult to really tell.
It is also hard for him to come to terms that he was so close to losing another child due to bigotry and fear. Despite knowing that Anya is out there, happy with her new family and alive, it doesn't do much to ease the sting of having her taken away simply because of who her parents are. It is a wound that won't ever heal for him or for Erika. Maybe with time the pain will lessen. But otherwise, he's under no illusions that it is another scar upon his and Erika's soul.
He frowns and pushes that thought away as he wheels towards her room. Although he wished she had come back to their bed as she had in the past, Erika had chosen to have her own bedroom and have the twins there with her. He had been hurt at her decision, but understood it. Things are awkward enough and Erika needs time to regroup and reassure herself that her babies are fine as well as bond with them. The separation was traumatic enough and she needs to make sure her babies won't be scarred by the experience.
She knows that he's coming, can feel the metal on his person, but he still knocks on the door to let her know of his presence. He doesn't want to intrude on her. Despite the understanding that they are free to come into each other's rooms, he doesn't feel that they've reached that intimacy just yet.
“Come in, Charles.”
Erika is sitting on her bed, with Pietro in her arms. Wanda is in the bassinet at her feet, deeply asleep while Pietro is very near to it.
The way she is looking at him makes whatever objections dry up in his throat. He doesn't need to read her thoughts to understand that it is more than a simple invitation. The set of her mouth and the way her eyes are shifting colours, are hints that if he doesn't take her up on her invitation, he may never get the chance to talk to her and hopefully come to an understanding and then-
Her mouth quirks up as she lowers Pietro into the bassinet.
“You're thinking too much. Will you come in or not?”
He comes in and the door closes behind him with a quiet click.
END
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