(Untitled)

[eriiin]

I have 10 mins to update. let's see. I've been working a lot, & yeah.. that's about it. I had to go in today to clean the kitchen upstairs. that took all of an hour. Andrew came to visit me last night and left this morning. we went out to eat when he got here and just drove around till I think midnight. then I found a whole bunch of DVDs in my

Comments

[heeeeatherr]

heyy i have a problem.. =/ i just need another girl's opinion because i don't think i'm out of line in my feelings but i think i need help trying to get past it.
i was searching in my computer for something in Temporary Internet Files, and a few things came up in the results that were from the Cookies folders, just records of internet sites visited recently.. and i noticed a couple porn sites under Stephen's windows xp profile. i was totally shocked and immediately disgusted, and i just needed to know if this was a huge deal. so i looked in the entire Cookies folder and found like 8 different sites over the last 4-5 months that he'd visited. i honestly felt like i was going to throw up and i called him at work and told him and i was fucking livid. since we've been together i haven't felt so shitty about myself or cried so damn hard. what hurts so much, besides the fact that i think porn is gross and i find it very very disrespectful to look at other girls when you have a girlfriend, is the fact that of course i didn't know about this. and i wouldn't have known about it. once was even tuesday night, at 3:30am, after i fell asleep when we'd gone out with friends and drank and stuff. i was 15 feet away, in our bed. he honestly did feel very terrible and still does and came home on his lunch break to talk to me and i could see it in his face that he felt awful about how badly he hurt me. he swore he wouldn't do it again and said i could check if i wanted to, and i believe him, but what was the desire to look at it? wouldn't that same desire still be there? he said all guys look at it, and i really don't believe that. the thing i still can't get past is, why? he hasn't given me an answer and i've asked if it turns him on, how long he looks at it, like what is the point?? he claims it's nothing and he doesn't care if he doesn't look at it again and i know he's honest in saying that, but.. i just cannot get past it. i made him breakfast wednesday morning while very hungover because i wanted to do something special for his birthday morning. i told him that, had i known that 7 hours earlier he was looking at porn on our computer, i would have said fuck you make your own food. like, i see him a little differently now. the thing that lingers and hurts is that this was behind my back, and it's happened sparadically throughout our relationship. i go back & forth between feeling almost ok about it to hating him for it and not even talking to him or wanting to see him. i just don't know how to get past it in my head.. =(

[eriiin]

yeah I dealt with that with Brian too. he said he'd stop, and who knows if he did or didn't. maybe for a while he did, but I still would find sites in the browser thing where you typed the address. finally I was like, whatever if he wants to look at blonde bimbos then let him. Mike watches porn, and he was honest with me about it, I mean I saw lube on his couch and I was like hmmm.. put 2 & 2 together right? and he was open with me that he watches it and I'm fine with it. he didn't keep it from me. he doesn't keep anything from me, and that's why I think I'm more able to accept things he does that I normally wouldn't have been able to. ( we aren't together but still, it should bother me) but it doesn't bother me. for one, cause I went to put a movie in once when he wasn't home and I turned on his porn instead, and the chicks were ugly and so was the guy so I was like well.. if this is what turns him on what the fuck is he doing with a brunette?! LOL it was kinda funny, and I STILL make fun of him daily for it. the girls looked old, and I told him that yesterday, and he's like "they are MY AGE" and I was like okay grandpa! and he's like "they look old to you cause you're 14!!!" I'm like well you just don't know what you want then.. a grandma or a teeny! LOL I told him I'd take him to the porn shop and buy him some good porn with hot chicks at least. lol but anyway, back to you. your self esteem isn't that great as it is, and cause your bf who thinks the world of you, and who you actually feel sexy with, is looking at other girls. of course you're gonna be friggin devastated. & you don't wanna think the person you're in love with is into looking at girls being degraded either. but it is true, all guys do it. single or taken. if they care enough about how you feel, they'll stop. if not, then you either have to just deal with it and accept it or leave. I've heard of that shit destroying many relationships. depending on the person he is, he'll either stop or continue doing it behind your back. I think when people are honest upfront without having to find out on their own, it makes accepting things sooooo much easier.. for me anyway. as gay as this sounds, porn doesn't really bother me because I'm not a busty blonde chick, yanno? I'm the opposite of that.. PLUS I hate blondes (fake ones). but really, I dunno why guys need that extra explosion if they have someone willing to do it for them. why sit in front of a TV or computer screen and do all the work yourself? I don't get how guys work, and I never will.
I hope I helped a little bit. if you need anything else I'm here :) love ya.