the parasympathetic nervous system and its discontents
With the advent of the good weather over the last few days I've been able to really relax and move into a state of happiness and mellow I can only remember having at the tail end of long acid trips, during the "melting glacier" years of early sobriety or two years ago when I fell in love at first sight and lost my marbles like Lucifer in the Sky with Diamonds.
The symptoms of this state of ecstatic awareness are:
1. a complete lack of fear or self-consciousness
2. a pleasurable feeling in the nervous system, as if using a completely different set of nerves, ones that don't cling and jump at loud noises
3. freedom from cravings and addictions
4. A generalized selfless love of all things and people
5. The freedom to not judge people and events as good or bad
6. To see everyone I meet or see as a potential friend and to feel selfless love for them
7. I get very sleepy (and happy) - lots of naps and go to bed early and wake up early.
In other words, happy joyous and free. Today as the weather gets stickier and hotter again, I'm feeling my zen bliss wane a little bit. I'm back on the cigarettes and the diet pepsi.
Now I have a panic attack whenever I try to meditate. and last night I was panicking thinking I was going to die for sure, for hours. I kept seeing my funeral and feeling like I was falling off the bed into a black abyss, and seeing my whole life flash before my eyes, etc...
Today all is well again - too Inga to the park and listened to some jazz on some tompkins stage and people watched... this is all probably easy and usual for most people, but crippling anxiety is my usual companion on such jaunts, I'm able to look strangers in the eye and smile and make casual conversation.
But I'm smoking and drinking caffeine again, and I can see how they are destroying me. But I am powerless to stop them. Oh mightly Lucifer, save me a seat at the banquet of the damned. If the waiter comes, I'll have the salmon... the salmon... of the DAMNED!
The symptoms of this state of ecstatic awareness are:
1. a complete lack of fear or self-consciousness
2. a pleasurable feeling in the nervous system, as if using a completely different set of nerves, ones that don't cling and jump at loud noises
3. freedom from cravings and addictions
4. A generalized selfless love of all things and people
5. The freedom to not judge people and events as good or bad
6. To see everyone I meet or see as a potential friend and to feel selfless love for them
7. I get very sleepy (and happy) - lots of naps and go to bed early and wake up early.
In other words, happy joyous and free. Today as the weather gets stickier and hotter again, I'm feeling my zen bliss wane a little bit. I'm back on the cigarettes and the diet pepsi.
Now I have a panic attack whenever I try to meditate. and last night I was panicking thinking I was going to die for sure, for hours. I kept seeing my funeral and feeling like I was falling off the bed into a black abyss, and seeing my whole life flash before my eyes, etc...
Today all is well again - too Inga to the park and listened to some jazz on some tompkins stage and people watched... this is all probably easy and usual for most people, but crippling anxiety is my usual companion on such jaunts, I'm able to look strangers in the eye and smile and make casual conversation.
But I'm smoking and drinking caffeine again, and I can see how they are destroying me. But I am powerless to stop them. Oh mightly Lucifer, save me a seat at the banquet of the damned. If the waiter comes, I'll have the salmon... the salmon... of the DAMNED!