Hmmm
Yesterday wasn't a very nice day for me. I mean, I wasn't crying into my pillow or anything, but I did get choked up a few times.
Father's Day without a father isn't vurry fun. I hate it when death comes out of nowhere to claim someone, like it did my father. Poor guy didn't stand a chance, and I fervently believe he saw the other side and said, "Screw it!" to earthly life. He said to me on many occasions, "If I die tomorrow, know that I've lived a remarkable life." He really did live such a life. Military, somewhat famous with DeLorean, had sex with Linda Rondstat, etc. Dude always got front row tickets to whatever show he wanted and a few times got in for free just by sweet talking someone. I remember Eli and I had tickets to see Hootie and the Blowfish, and dad didn't. It was Sunday and he didn't want to buy one, so he told us to wait outside the gates at Polaris and he went inside and about 15 mins later came out with a ticket for himself and passes to WNCI's(local radio station) lunch with the band. The band had already gone to get ready for the show, but we got free food, thus we didn't have to buy anything to eat or drink on Sunday.
Dad was really a marvelous man. I really regret some things I said to him in the last few months, but I know that he's forgiven me. I just need to work on forgiving myself. I'm pretty messed up with guilt. *sigh* But dad knew I loved him. I know he loved me and continues to love me from on high. Linda made a good point to me. She told me that God blesses me all the time, and now Dad, the world's biggest hustler, is up in heaven talking to God about it and probably getting me more blessings. Everytime I think I don't know what I'm going to do about gas or groceries, something comes up and we have both. It's a good thing, really. Other than the word "bye", the last thing I said to Dad was that I loved him.
Sometime this week, I'm going to go see him and tell him some things. In the last couple of months I lost my dad and my unborn child. Same week, actually. God has it out for me, and still looks out for me. What a weirdo. God is manic. He has His hands on both buttons, and likes playing a little beat with the "smite" and "bless" buttons. There are things in my life I've done that deserve punishment, but I've also done some good. I don't know where I'm going when I die, I just hope I get to see Dad again. And my brother, when he dies decades after I do.
Now....
I mean, guilt fucks me up. I was made to feel guilty about a lot growing up. Porn(what teenage male doesn't want to see boobs?), masturbation(my bishop was a dick about it), and some other stuff. I mean, I'm not saying the following for praise, but to show the fucked up factor:
When I was being interviewed to see if I was worthy to go into the temple, I was asked if I masturbated, etc. I was honest and the bishop asked, "Do you think you're worthy?" I said I wasn't, simply because I jerked it on the regular. So, I wasn't allowed to go in. My parents made me go anyway, and I had to sit outside the temple and wait for everyone to do the baptisms for the dead, and to eat. Someone had to bring me out a tray of food over 2 hours after I started sitting on the bench outside. And later that night, in the hotel room, young men were talking about how they'd just felt up a girl at work, and one even boasted about lying to the bishop to get in. I got praise from the adults, but does that mean it's NOT fucked up that I had to just sit there and wait for everyone to do what I felt I wasn't worthy to do simply because, like EVERY OTHER TEENAGE MALE, I aimed for hairy palms and blindness? Give me a break! I was made to feel guilty every week because I wasn't allowed to take the sacrament, but watched as all the other young men took it, and passed it out. Dad was pissed at the bishop for awhile because he said that all the young men did it, and I shouldn't be singled out. I just passed the bread and water trays by me every week without partaking. I felt so guilty about sex that it's ruined a few relationships. When I finally lost my virginity, I had to pray about it because I wasn't married and my confidant threatened to tell on me because he said that because he knew, he was just as guilty as I was for having done it. Raised to believe that if you THINK something, you've sinned like you've actually done that deed. So thinking about that hot young woman with the low cut shirt worn to a youth activity? Super sin right thurr.
Mom, the church is the source of so many issues for me. That is one of the many reasons I will never, ever, go back to it. They messed me up pretty good, and I know you know what I'm talking about. There's no limit on repentance in the eyes of God, as we are constantly sinning according to every holy book in most world religions, and yet the church shunned me. They can all go to hell.
There. I said it. Sorry if that disappoints you, but it's the truth.
I'm outtie. Going to a cookout over at Josh's will be nice and relaxing. Drink some beers, eat some good food, and jam out. A perfect evening.
Father's Day without a father isn't vurry fun. I hate it when death comes out of nowhere to claim someone, like it did my father. Poor guy didn't stand a chance, and I fervently believe he saw the other side and said, "Screw it!" to earthly life. He said to me on many occasions, "If I die tomorrow, know that I've lived a remarkable life." He really did live such a life. Military, somewhat famous with DeLorean, had sex with Linda Rondstat, etc. Dude always got front row tickets to whatever show he wanted and a few times got in for free just by sweet talking someone. I remember Eli and I had tickets to see Hootie and the Blowfish, and dad didn't. It was Sunday and he didn't want to buy one, so he told us to wait outside the gates at Polaris and he went inside and about 15 mins later came out with a ticket for himself and passes to WNCI's(local radio station) lunch with the band. The band had already gone to get ready for the show, but we got free food, thus we didn't have to buy anything to eat or drink on Sunday.
Dad was really a marvelous man. I really regret some things I said to him in the last few months, but I know that he's forgiven me. I just need to work on forgiving myself. I'm pretty messed up with guilt. *sigh* But dad knew I loved him. I know he loved me and continues to love me from on high. Linda made a good point to me. She told me that God blesses me all the time, and now Dad, the world's biggest hustler, is up in heaven talking to God about it and probably getting me more blessings. Everytime I think I don't know what I'm going to do about gas or groceries, something comes up and we have both. It's a good thing, really. Other than the word "bye", the last thing I said to Dad was that I loved him.
Sometime this week, I'm going to go see him and tell him some things. In the last couple of months I lost my dad and my unborn child. Same week, actually. God has it out for me, and still looks out for me. What a weirdo. God is manic. He has His hands on both buttons, and likes playing a little beat with the "smite" and "bless" buttons. There are things in my life I've done that deserve punishment, but I've also done some good. I don't know where I'm going when I die, I just hope I get to see Dad again. And my brother, when he dies decades after I do.
Now....
I mean, guilt fucks me up. I was made to feel guilty about a lot growing up. Porn(what teenage male doesn't want to see boobs?), masturbation(my bishop was a dick about it), and some other stuff. I mean, I'm not saying the following for praise, but to show the fucked up factor:
When I was being interviewed to see if I was worthy to go into the temple, I was asked if I masturbated, etc. I was honest and the bishop asked, "Do you think you're worthy?" I said I wasn't, simply because I jerked it on the regular. So, I wasn't allowed to go in. My parents made me go anyway, and I had to sit outside the temple and wait for everyone to do the baptisms for the dead, and to eat. Someone had to bring me out a tray of food over 2 hours after I started sitting on the bench outside. And later that night, in the hotel room, young men were talking about how they'd just felt up a girl at work, and one even boasted about lying to the bishop to get in. I got praise from the adults, but does that mean it's NOT fucked up that I had to just sit there and wait for everyone to do what I felt I wasn't worthy to do simply because, like EVERY OTHER TEENAGE MALE, I aimed for hairy palms and blindness? Give me a break! I was made to feel guilty every week because I wasn't allowed to take the sacrament, but watched as all the other young men took it, and passed it out. Dad was pissed at the bishop for awhile because he said that all the young men did it, and I shouldn't be singled out. I just passed the bread and water trays by me every week without partaking. I felt so guilty about sex that it's ruined a few relationships. When I finally lost my virginity, I had to pray about it because I wasn't married and my confidant threatened to tell on me because he said that because he knew, he was just as guilty as I was for having done it. Raised to believe that if you THINK something, you've sinned like you've actually done that deed. So thinking about that hot young woman with the low cut shirt worn to a youth activity? Super sin right thurr.
Mom, the church is the source of so many issues for me. That is one of the many reasons I will never, ever, go back to it. They messed me up pretty good, and I know you know what I'm talking about. There's no limit on repentance in the eyes of God, as we are constantly sinning according to every holy book in most world religions, and yet the church shunned me. They can all go to hell.
There. I said it. Sorry if that disappoints you, but it's the truth.
I'm outtie. Going to a cookout over at Josh's will be nice and relaxing. Drink some beers, eat some good food, and jam out. A perfect evening.