Mysteries uncovered
We’re on a campaign to reduce entropy in our house. So we’ve been fixing things, putting things away, tossing stuff, giving stuff away, and going through piles of paper to get the place cleaned up. Last week, while putting the scent diffuser I got last Christmas in its proper place on my desk, I found a pile of paper that had not been disturbed in years. Under a Hallmark Doorway to Narnia ornament, a small piece of stained glass, an old scorched candleholder, and a thick layer of dust were a list of shade garden plants, a sketch for an alien in a story I plan to write someday, and the lyrics to a song about cannibalism (“Timothy”). At the bottom of the stack was a curled sheet of paper upon which were inscribed the Elusian Mysteries.
As you no doubt know, the Elusian Mysteries were the most hidden rites and secrets of the Greek goddess Demeter. These mysteries were thought to be lost to the sands of time, but somehow they surfaced on my desk. I will publish them here, because the reputable journal of classical literature would never believe my story.
Go thou to the kitchen, face the window, and put out your left hand. There you will find the silverware in the top drawer.
Faithfully count the days as they pass, for Trash Day must be regularly observed. The counting of the number of the Trash Days is eight to one cycle of the moon. Likewise count the days that mark the arrival of Recycling Day, that thou may return thine trash to the Great Cycle.
Preparation shall be made in the dark of the evening before Trash Day and Recycling Day, for lo, the Trash Men come before the dawn and they will have come and gone ere you rise for your daily labors.
Mix not the dark clothes with the light. Keep apart the clothes of red, for their color will spread like blood to all with which they are washed. Trust not the inscriptions that speak of colorfastness, for they lie like unto a rug.
Watch carefully the cans in the cupboard and the milk in the refrigerator, for they shall not replenish themselves. Neither will the bread.
The changing of the toilet paper is accomplished thus. Grasp the rod and move it to one side. Pull the rod toward your body and free the spent core; give thanks for its sacrifice as you dispose of it. Insert the rod into the darkness of a maiden roll. Place one end of the rod in the recess like unto a small mortar and poise the other end to enter its abode. Release the rod and roll and rejoice, for now you know the deepest of the Elusian Mysteries.
Obviously there are some questions left to be answered about the Mysteries. Why is the silverware always on the left? Which eight days out of twenty-four are the Trash and Recycling days? How are the foodstuffs to be replenished? And, perhaps most important, is the toilet paper to be installed with the paper coming over the top or from the back? Perhaps the goddess is still testing us, or perhaps we were not meant to know.
As you no doubt know, the Elusian Mysteries were the most hidden rites and secrets of the Greek goddess Demeter. These mysteries were thought to be lost to the sands of time, but somehow they surfaced on my desk. I will publish them here, because the reputable journal of classical literature would never believe my story.
Go thou to the kitchen, face the window, and put out your left hand. There you will find the silverware in the top drawer.
Faithfully count the days as they pass, for Trash Day must be regularly observed. The counting of the number of the Trash Days is eight to one cycle of the moon. Likewise count the days that mark the arrival of Recycling Day, that thou may return thine trash to the Great Cycle.
Preparation shall be made in the dark of the evening before Trash Day and Recycling Day, for lo, the Trash Men come before the dawn and they will have come and gone ere you rise for your daily labors.
Mix not the dark clothes with the light. Keep apart the clothes of red, for their color will spread like blood to all with which they are washed. Trust not the inscriptions that speak of colorfastness, for they lie like unto a rug.
Watch carefully the cans in the cupboard and the milk in the refrigerator, for they shall not replenish themselves. Neither will the bread.
The changing of the toilet paper is accomplished thus. Grasp the rod and move it to one side. Pull the rod toward your body and free the spent core; give thanks for its sacrifice as you dispose of it. Insert the rod into the darkness of a maiden roll. Place one end of the rod in the recess like unto a small mortar and poise the other end to enter its abode. Release the rod and roll and rejoice, for now you know the deepest of the Elusian Mysteries.
Obviously there are some questions left to be answered about the Mysteries. Why is the silverware always on the left? Which eight days out of twenty-four are the Trash and Recycling days? How are the foodstuffs to be replenished? And, perhaps most important, is the toilet paper to be installed with the paper coming over the top or from the back? Perhaps the goddess is still testing us, or perhaps we were not meant to know.