The One Thing I Never Expected - Chapter 2

[ericasaur]

Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
P.O.V: 1st, Brendon's
Summary: Ryan is Brendon's best friend, they grew up together. But Ryan is different. An accident when he was a child left him deaf. Brendon has always taken care of Ryan, but now he's starting to care for Ryan in a different way...
Disclaimer: Fiction, I own nothing. It’s not real

Masterpost

Chapter 2

“What are you always writing in that notebook of yours, Ryan?” William asks. We’re in music, in our little corner on the floor. Ms. Sparrow pretty much lets us talk and sit where we want as long as our assignments are done. We’re divided into permanent groups for the whole year. Obviously, Ryan, William and I claimed each other.

Ryan tells me that I can tell William what he’s writing, so I say, “He’s writing lyrics. That notebook’s full of ‘em. And they’re really, really fucking good. He only lets me read certain ones though,” I give Ryan an annoyed look.

“Would you rather I not let you ever read any of them then?” he signs to me. I shake my head furiously, because I love reading his lyrics. “Okay then, stop whining,” he jokes and then thumps my nose.

“You know, I think I need to learn sign language, because I’m tired of feeling left out when you both get into those little conversations of yours,” William sighs.

Ryan laughs and smiles sincerely at him. “Tell him maybe one day, I might speak in front of him.” I look at him, baffled.

“What?” I ask, “But you won’t even talk to your mom. Why would you talk to Will?” William gives me an offended look at that.

“Because like I said, I like him, and there’s just something about him that makes me trust him. He’s not judgmental, he wouldn’t laugh at me, I don’t think.”

“Ahem,” William says, “I am still here, you know. It isn’t exactly fair to be talking about me when I don’t know what you’re saying,” he says, smiling.

“Well, apparently Ry likes you, so he might talk in front of you one day. Even though I thought I was the only person he would talk to.” I glare at Ryan.

“Oh, come on, Bren. You know you’re my ‘bestie,’” he says with a smirk. I just roll my eyes and turn around so my back is facing him. He then decides to tackle me, and give me a giant hug.

“Okay, okay. Get off me you twig,” I say around giggles.

“You gentlemen are odd,” William says distractedly as he stares at the cute girl he went out with last week, thanks to Ryan.

Ryan grabs his notebook and scribbles something, then hands it to Will, who reads it then says, “Man, it went great. She’s very smart, and funny. I rather enjoyed hanging out with her.” Ryan scribbles something else. William reads, says, “I don’t know. I’m nervous. I don’t even know if she liked me. I figure she’ll talk to me if she wants to.”

Ryan looks at me. “No, no. She’s a girl. She expects him to come to her. She’s going to think he doesn’t like her and is ignoring her. He needs to go talk to her, and tell her he likes her!” He’s signing frantically. He looks so cute when he does that, and-whoa, wait. What? Cute? Where the hell did that come from? My stomach feels a bit uneasy. I’m starting to notice things about Ryan-things that I wouldn’t normally pay attention to. Like the way he always looks right at my eyes when he’s signing, to see my reaction, and the way he smiles his shy smile and looks at the ground when he’s showing me lyrics. His eyes are like-like honey, with little specks of gold. How have I not noticed how pretty his eyes are before? And his hair, the way he keeps it a little long with bangs over his left eye, and spikes it up in the back. It’s all so overwhelmingly adorable. But how do I think he’s adorable when I don’t even like guys? I don’t think I do, anyway…

I’m suddenly brought back from my thoughts when Ryan snaps his fingers in front of my eyes, looking exasperated. “Oh, right. Ryan says go talk to Lana, Will. He said she’ll think you’re ignoring her,” I tell him.

His eyes get huge. ”I’m not ignoring her!” he squeaks. Seriously, what is so special about this girl that she makes William Beckett squeak? He jumps up and goes over to her, trying to look casual, but failing miserably. She looks happy to see him, nonetheless.

“You’re like, the master of match-making, Ry,” I say.

He grins at me and shrugs, “I try.”

***

It’s Thursday, and we’re out of school tomorrow for an in-service day. I’m at Ryan’s house, which is rare. He’s usually at mine. I’m sprawled over his bed, and he’s sitting in his giant puffy desk chair, writing in his notebook, but he’s facing me, so he can see when I talk to him.

“Ryaaaan!” I whine, “Please, can we do something tonight? I’m so bored.” He gives me an indulgent look, like I’m a child begging someone to take him to the park.

“Fine, Bren. What do you wanna do then?” he signs, putting his notebook aside, and staring at me expectantly, waiting.

“Hmm…movies? Spence is at his grandma’s and Jon is sick, but we can invite William and Gabe, though,” I suggest. Ryan seems to like this idea. He smiles and nods.

***

Ryan and I are standing outside the cinema, leaning against the wall, waiting for Gabe and William to get there. Gabe’s bringing some friend of his called Patrick something.

“Bren!” someone yells. I look around until I spot them, walking up to us. William looks calm as ever, wearing faded skinny jeans and a plaid button-down shirt over his ridiculously tall and lanky form. He’s wearing a lazy smile. Gabe is wearing black straight-leg jeans tucked into his neon green sneakers. His damn shoes, I swear. He’s just wearing a plain white t-shirt with a grey hoodie over it. Behind him is a guy I’m assuming is Patrick. He’s kind of short and chubby, but not too chubby. He has red hair, and a soft, young-looking, round face, and he’s got on a beige pageboy cap. He looks friendly enough.

“Hey guys,” I say, while Ryan smiles and waves.

They all say, “hey,” and then Gabe pulls the red-headed boy around and says, “So, this is Patrick. He lives beside me. We grew up together, but he’s home-schooled.”

“Oh, hey man, I’m Brendon, and this is Ryan,” I tell him. He smiles a shy smile and murmurs a quiet, “Hello.”

We all go in and sit in the back row of the theater. We’re (of course) seeing a horror movie. Ryan just had to see it. So when a particularly scary part comes up, it’s not my fault if I yelp like a frightened puppy and grab Ryan’s arm and bury my face into his shoulder, which then causes them all to laugh at me.

“Do you need me to hold your hand, Bren?” Ryan signs, and grins, clearly making fun of me.

“Maybe,” I say, “Or I might start crying.”

He laughs and signs, “You are such a baby, Brendon, oh my God, here,” and he holds out his hand. I take it, because we’re comfortable with each other like that. We’ve been best friends for almost twelve years, it’s no big deal. However, Patrick gives us a somewhat odd look.

The rest of the movie passed by with me cringing and nearly breaking Ryan’s hand from my death-grip, and the other four laughing at me, finding it hilarious. So, scary movies terrify me, whatever. When we’re out of the cinema, we hang out and chat for a while, walking to the park that’s not far away. Ryan and I ate nearly three boxes of sour gummy worms. Add that with the soda, and we’re bouncing off the walls.

When we get to the park, it’s dark outside, but that just makes it more fun. William sits on a swing and sways back and forth, laughing at Gabe who is attempting to walk up a slide, but keeps falling. Patrick just sits on the park bench smiling. I have too much sugar in my system to stay still, and so I grab Ryan’s hand and we start skipping across the park, giggling. We’ve almost done a full circle, and now we’re back with the other guys. I get ahead of myself and stumble onto the ground, causing Ryan to stumble as well, landing right on top of me. We just lie there laughing happily. Ryan pokes me in the side and I elbow him, trying to get him off of me. Then we start wrestling. Well, it’s mostly just a big tickle-fight. I told you, twelve-year-old girls­.

Finally, we wear ourselves out, just sprawled out on the grass, panting. Our hands are overlapping, and our limbs are tangled. The guys are all laughing at us, and they come to sit in a circle with us in the grass. We eventually sit up, so we can talk with them.

Patrick looks back and forth between Ryan and I like he wants to say something. I look at him expectantly. Tentatively, he says, “So, you guys are a cute couple,” as he glances down at our touching hands. I’m pretty sure my face goes about ten different shades of pink. Ryan stares at him, and then he turns and stares at me. Then he bursts out into hysterical laughter and doubles over. I giggle too, but I’m still wondering why Patrick thought we were together. I mean, does it really look like that? William and Gabe start laughing too.

“What?” Patrick asks. “What?”

“Um, we aren’t together,” I tell him, maybe a little too defensive. “We’re best friends.” At that, Patrick looks mortified.

“Oh! Oh, God, I’m sorry! It’s just…I mean, I, well. It kind of-it just…yeah. Um, sorry…” he trails off sheepishly. I give him an easy smile and brush it off, waving my hand, trying to be nonchalant, like I didn’t just have a mini-panic attack on the inside. William is giving me a weird look. Concentrated and…speculative? Why is he so damn pensive? I dart my eyes away from him, then proceed to stare at the ground like it’s the most interesting thing I’ve ever seen.

“So!” Gabe starts, “Who wants to get high?” He grins widely as he gets a couple joints from his pocket. I don’t really smoke weed that much. Every once in a while, I guess. He lights one, takes a long drag, sighs, then passes it along. Ryan looks hesitant when it gets to him. He’s never smoked before, but he tries it, and then passes it to me. This goes on for a while, until the weed’s gone. Will looks even more chilled than usual, if that’s possible. Gabe is laughing hysterically at everything anyone says. Patrick isn’t being shy anymore, and Ryan is looking at me with a smile, his eyes glazed.

“Bren,” Ryan speaks, startling everyone, and then they all shut up and listen intently. ”Why…why do we never smoke weed? Weed is good. Yeah, we need to do this more often,” he giggles and leans onto my shoulder.

“Whoa. The fuck? Did he just…Ryan just talked,” William says, eyes wide.

“Ryan,” I say, just as surprised as everyone else. “What the hell? You’ve never talked to anyone other than me!”

He giggles again and whispers, “I dunno, Bren Bear, it must be the weed, y’know?”

“Bren Bear?” I laugh, “Oh my God, he is so high.”

Suddenly, Ryan gets serious. “Brendon, I have to stay with you tonight. My mom will know and then she will kill me, and then I’ll be dead,” he says. He pupils are huge, and he’s staring at me wide-eyed. I can’t help but smile at him like this. He looks so sincere, like he actually believes that his mother is going to murder him or something.

“Yeah, sure,” I say, ruffling his hair. He smiles and kisses my cheek. I feel heat rushing into my face, and I know I’m blushing furiously, for the second time tonight. Why did he do that? William gives me that odd look again when he notices my pink cheeks. William does this…thing, where he gives you one look, and it feels like he knows everything. He’s the most observant person I know. Sometimes he figures things out about me before I’ve even figured them out myself.

“I still can’t believe he talked,” says William with a small smirk.

Gabe says, “Yeah man, and Brendon was right, you sound completely normal. Does this mean you’ll talk in front of us from now on?”

“Maybe,” Ryan says, looking at Gabe, “I dunno, I’ll get back to you when I’m not high, m’kay?” He laughs and falls over into my lap.

“Jesus,” Patrick says with a grin, “you’d think he was drunk, the way he’s acting.”

“Brendonnn,” Ryan whines at me, “I’m sleepy.” I roll my eyes, and he pouts. He has a rather cute pout, where he juts his bottom lip out and scrunches his nose. It’s too adorable to say no to.

“Well, I guess we’d better get going, guys,” I say to everyone. They all agree, and we all say our goodbyes and head home.

It’s chilly out, which is extremely weird for an August night in Vegas. As we’re walking home, it feels too quiet. Ryan leans his head on me a little. I tell myself that I am absolutely not smiling because his face is pressed into my neck. I just had a fun night, that’s all.

***

It’s only ten o’clock when we get back to my house. Huh, I thought we’d been out much later than that. Ryan texted his mom on our way home and told her he was staying with me. That’s how it goes with us. We don’t need to ask permission to hang out, we just tell our parents we’re doing it. After all this time, they’re just all like, ‘Sure, yeah, whatever, bye. Have fun!’ So that’s that.

Ryan and I both only live with our moms. His dad left them before they moved here, when Ryan was four. He doesn’t really remember him too much. My dad died two years ago. He had cancer, and apparently, by the time they found out, it was too late. That was a really horrible time for me. But I had my mom, and Ryan and his mom, so it all worked out. They were there for me the whole time. Ryan really is the best.

My mom isn’t home, which worries me until I see the note from her on the fridge; Had to go into work tonight, sweetie, need the hours, sorry! Bought food for you and Ryan, love you. -Mom.

It’s kinda funny how my mom grocery shops for things she knows Ryan likes too. He’s over here more than I’m at his house. She just knew he’d be here tonight.

Oh, mom, you know me too well.

Ryan’s apparently not so sleepy anymore, and he’s digging in the fridge. He pulls out a can of Red Bull and a Mountain Dew, then goes to the pantry and grabs some Doritos and some Pop-Tarts. I’m watching, slightly amused, because he just knows exactly what I like, and it’s too cute. He heads upstairs with the items, and I follow. Once we’re in the confines of my room, he throws me the Doritos and the can of Red Bull and smiles at me.

”You’re being really weird tonight,” I say, eyebrow raised in suspicion.

He gives me innocent, (gorgeous), doe-eyes. “How so?” he asks around a mouth full of food.

“I don’t know. I guess it’s just the weed,” I say.

“I dunno,” he says, “It’s just like, I don’t want to be the weird, quiet, deaf kid anymore. It’s so much easier to just talk to people, but I can’t do it. Well, unless I’m high apparently…but that’s beside the point. I like William and Gabe, and Spence and Jon. I want to talk to them, but at the same time, I kind of don’t want to, because it’s like…our thing, y’know?” He looks thoroughly confused and exasperated by now, and I don’t really know what to do with that.

But then he says, “Ah well, it’s not like I’m going to talk anyway. Let’s change the subject…”

And well, I’ve got a conversation starter for him. Something I’ve been wanting to talk about with him for a few days now. See, ever since I had my little…problem in the shower the other day, I’ve been thinking about guys, and well, if I like them. Or if it was only Ryan. Because I’m not going to deny I was having sexual thoughts about him. I definitely was. I’m still immensely confused by them, yes, and don’t know what it means, but is there a possibility that I might be…well, gay? I’ve never had a girlfriend, but I thought nothing of that. Now that I think of it though…I don’t think I’ve ever liked a girl before. Anyone, really. This is just something I’ve never thought about. The more I think of it, though, the more lost I feel.

”Ry…” I start, looking him in the eyes, “how did you know you were, um, gay?” I ask quietly. He realized he was gay when he was around thirteen, even though he was pretty sure he always knew, he just didn’t know what it meant. He didn’t tell me until we were fifteen, because he thought I’d like, hate him and never speak to him again. Ridiculous, that boy. He never told me how he knew, though, which is why I’m asking now.

He looks quite surprised by my question. “Oh. Well, um…I dunno, really. I just. Well, I never really noticed girls in that way. At first I thought I just hadn’t found a girl I liked yet, but then, I started to think something was wrong with me, because, really, not even one girl struck my fancy?” He gives a small laugh, and continues. “But I noticed the boys. And I noticed the way I acted toward them was exactly the way some girls acted toward me. I thought nothing of it at first, but then…I knew that wasn’t how things were supposed to be. By the time I was thirteen and finally realized what ‘gay’ was, I just knew. I didn’t have to think about it.”

Ryan hasn’t talked this much in a long, long time. “But…how can you be sure? I mean, you’ve never had a boyfriend, and you’ve never kissed a boy, so…?” I ask. And then he quickly bites his lip, and nervously looks away, blushing, and wait a minute, what? What?

“Ryan!” I flail my arms a bit, so he’d look up, and when he does, he’s smiling sheepishly. “You’ve kissed a boy! You kissed someone and you didn’t tell me?! Here I was this whole time thinking we both had virgin lips, but no, apparently I’m the only loser who hasn’t kissed someone yet! You’re my best friend! Why didn’t you tell me? Jerk.” I can’t help the smile on my face as I’m yelling at him.

“I’m sorry, I was embarrassed! It was…it was with fucking Jason Price under the bleachers at that stupid football game you dragged me to, and it fucking sucked, so I didn’t want to tell you!” He's laughing now, and so am I, because…

“I knew you and Jason weren’t ‘just friends, Brendon, I swear.’ You little liar! And under the bleachers? Dude, you’re a slut.”

He gapes at me and knocks the Doritos out of my hands, just as I was about to grab another one. “I am not a slut! You’re a slut. Slut.”

“I’ve never even kissed anyone!”

“Well yeah, but you’re a slut at heart,” he replies.

I feign shock and drop my mouth open dramatically. “George Ryan Ross the third! When did you become such a jerk?!”

“Okay, fine. You’re not a slut. But you definitely are a bitch.”

“I’m only a bitch because that’s how I show my love, Ry-Ry!”

“Well then you must fucking adore me.”

“I do adore you. You’re my bestie. Duh, dude.”

“Will you stop using the word ‘bestie’ already!”

“Bite me,” I say. He bites me. “Ow!”

“You told me to.”

“Fuck you.”

“Your face.”

“Your mom.”

“Brendon, Brendon. We’re acting like ten-year-olds. Let’s settle this argument like adults, shall we?” Ryan grabs a pillow from behind him and smacks me right in the face with it, causing me to fall onto the floor.

“Fuck. You,” I say as I’m getting up off the floor. He’s fallen into a fit of giggles on the bed, so I use this opportunity to jump on top of him. Soon, we’re out of breath, and back in our original sitting positions across from each other on the bed, cross-legged, with food in our laps.

“Hey,” Ryan says.

“Hmm?”

“Why did you ask how I knew I was gay?” he questions.

“Oh, just wondering…”

I don’t know what to do. The more I think about it, the more I come to the conclusion that I might, maybe, possibly…like boys. I mean, no. Well, just-ugh! This is so confusing! I’ve never liked a boy, but I’ve also never liked a girl. But this whole thing with Ryan is making me wonder. I think that I definitely find him attractive. Guys aren’t supposed to find their best guy friends attractive, like…that. And why now? Ryan and I have been practically joined at the hip since I was four and he was five, and I’ve never once thought of him like this. I’m just now noticing him; his gorgeous honey-colored eyes, his hair, his cute little nose, his hips-God, those hips. Okay, I need to stop thinking about that, right now. I can never do anything about it. That would completely ruin our friendship. Not to mention, there’s no way he sees me like that.

“Deep in thought?” Ryan smirks. “You’ve been staring at the floor with your mouth open for the better part of five minutes.”

“What? Oh, uh…just, y’know, thinking ‘bout…stuff.” Well, that didn’t make me sound dumb at all. God, I need to stop being weird, or he’s gonna know something’s up.

“Something’s up with you,” he says, narrowing his eyes. Well, fuck. Too late.

“No, I’m fine,” I say just a bit too quickly. “It’s just, I have to ask you something, okay? It’s going to sound really weird…”

“Okay…go ahead then.”

“Well, um…okay, shit. Okay. Lately I’ve been thinking that, um, that I might, uh, k-kinda be attracted to…you know…dudes?” I didn’t really mean for it to come out like a question, but it kind of did. At that, Ryan’s eyes get wide.

“Oh,” he starts, clearly surprised. “Well…that’s-uh. So you think you might be gay then?”

“…Yeah. I was just wondering, since you’re gay, I thought you might be able to help me, or something, I don’t know…” I trail off.

Silence.

I finally look up at him, and his expression is unreadable. “I mean, just forget it. Never mind,” I mumble. I shouldn’t have said anything. This is so awkward.

“No! No, Bren. Of course I’ll help you. I’m just really surprised is all. I never would’ve thought in a million years that you-anyway, I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been through it. And don’t freak out. You might not even be gay. What exactly made you think you might be?”

Oh, shit. Now what do I say? Oh, nothing specific, really, just that I jerked off in the shower while thinking about you and your sexy hipbones. Yeah, that’d go over real well.

“Um, I dunno. I guess because I was just thinking about the fact that I’ve never had a girlfriend, and then I realized that I’ve never even had a thing for a girl, ever. I mean, there’s no way that it’s normal to be sixteen and to never once have had a crush on a girl. But, I’ve never had a crush on a guy either. I’m just starting to notice them…and I think I might like dudes, okay? I don’t know.”

“Well, look, I’m here for you, okay? You can talk to me whenever you need to, about anything. You know that. Being gay, it’s not something that has a certain identifier. There’s not one thing that you can do that just lets you know you’re gay. It’s just something you know. You get what I mean?”

Just then, I realize. I think I do know. When I picture my future, I can’t picture having a wife, or being with a woman at all. I can’t believe I’ve never thought about this before. It just feels…right.

“You know what? I think I am. I think I’m gay,” I tell Ryan. He raises his eyebrows and stares at me for a minute. Then a smile creeps on his face, and he hugs me for a minute before pulling back.

“That’s great, Bren. Maybe you should test it out first, to make sure.” His face lights up. “We need to find you a boyfriend! Oh, I’ll totally find you someone. You said it yourself, I’m the master of match-making.” He is getting way too excited over this.

Well that would be perfect, if the boy I wanted to test my theory out on was someone else. This is horrible. I don’t want him to find me another boy. But I can’t tell him that, because then I’ll have to explain why, and that’s just not happening.

“Brendon! Are you listening to me?”

“Hmm? What? Sorry, I zoned out.”

“I said, is there anyone who you think you might like? Anyone at school that you know is gay?” Oh no, nobody at all. This fucking sucks.

“Not really,” is my reply. I really don’t know what else to say.

“Hey…if you figure out for sure that you’re gay, are you gonna tell people? Like your mom, and people at school? Because you know your mom would be cool with it. I told her before I told my own mom, remember?” he chuckles lightly. I do remember. He was terrified that his mom was going to kick him out, so I took him to talk to my mom, and she of course, hugged him and smothered him with love and told him that he was born that way, and there was absolutely nothing wrong with him, and that his mom would never kick him out for being himself. And she was right. His mom completely accepted him. We both have great moms.

“Yeah, I’ll definitely tell my mom. And I’ll tell the guys. I'm not for sure, but I think they’d be fine about it. It's not like I'm just gonna announce it to the entire school, though. But I won’t deny it either. I could beat someone up if they tried to pick on me, right?” I ask him with a grin.

“Of course. You’ve punched people who’ve picked on me before,” he says, grinning right back.

“Thanks. Really,” I say, serious now.

“No problem. You were there for me when I was going through this. Now it’s my turn.”

Yeah, I really do have the best friend I could ever ask for.

And yeah, I totally have a crush on said best friend.

Well, shit.

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