i think i'll start typing and see what comes out...
about hearing from God...
i've had a certain situation on my mind and heart for quite some time now that i cant seem to shake. I know God has some sort of direction for me in this but i dont know which way it is. I feel very strongly about both ways. I pray that God will show me which way he wants me to go in this but the signs are never clear. The last time i got "signs from God" they werent really from God and i got myself into something so deep that it happens to be the thing that i am still struggling with RIGHT NOW! :) Anyway, i've gotten myself back to the point of knowing that God is truth and God would never lead me astray and i am now ready to trust whatever he throws at me... yet he's not throwing anything. I need to leap, i need to take a step in faith and TRUST HIM but i dont know what is the right step. I'm tired of taking the wrong step and trusting the wrong thing, its SOO draining and after wards i have to start COMPLETELY over! I just... want to get it right this time. I know that i will make wrong choices and thats just part of living. I have such a fear of trusting in the wrong thing that its difficult to allow myself to trust at all.
I feel like these are all things that i should have learned by now, ya know? Like i'm an amateur christian who doesnt know how to walk by faith. But to quote a friend of mine, "the longer i live and am surrounded by christians the more i realize that knowledge and gifts are really the dressings of a simple faith- the willingness to follow Christ." So its not a matter of thinking i should know more because i've been a christian for a certain amount of time. Everything you learn and everything you experience and are gifted with comes from a very simple willingness to trust. And in that... how do i overcome this fear? Do i just accept that i am human and will make mistakes?
It took me a long time to accept that i misinterpreted God's signs... strangely enough, it wasnt some huge Christian revelation or insightful advice that made this realization possible. It was a movie called Starwars 3. When Obi Wan is talking to Yoda about Anikan, he says to Yoda, "but master, he is supposed to fulfill the prophecy. he is the chosen one, is he not?" and Yoda responds, "a prophecy that misread could have been." I know this is silly, but in a weird metaphoric way, i realized that Yoda knew that he could be wrong. He made a mistake and wasnt afraid to admit that he could have read it wrong. Now i have a weird yet wonderful respect for Yoda and when i realized that someone that powerful and that respected knew that he was still imperfect; that he knew that there was still something above him and greater than him that had the answers.. thats when i realized that the force doesnt lie. Truth cannot be false and i am horribly imperfect! And i thought, am i too proud to admit that i could have been wrong? God is truth!
So thats when i decided i was wrong. Because this is the way is it, and God doesnt lie... somehow i mixed things up along the way, but thats ok. Thankfully i'm not condemned for making mistakes. Anyway... but my fear of trusting the wrong thing still has a hold of me. How do i shake this fear?
i've had a certain situation on my mind and heart for quite some time now that i cant seem to shake. I know God has some sort of direction for me in this but i dont know which way it is. I feel very strongly about both ways. I pray that God will show me which way he wants me to go in this but the signs are never clear. The last time i got "signs from God" they werent really from God and i got myself into something so deep that it happens to be the thing that i am still struggling with RIGHT NOW! :) Anyway, i've gotten myself back to the point of knowing that God is truth and God would never lead me astray and i am now ready to trust whatever he throws at me... yet he's not throwing anything. I need to leap, i need to take a step in faith and TRUST HIM but i dont know what is the right step. I'm tired of taking the wrong step and trusting the wrong thing, its SOO draining and after wards i have to start COMPLETELY over! I just... want to get it right this time. I know that i will make wrong choices and thats just part of living. I have such a fear of trusting in the wrong thing that its difficult to allow myself to trust at all.
I feel like these are all things that i should have learned by now, ya know? Like i'm an amateur christian who doesnt know how to walk by faith. But to quote a friend of mine, "the longer i live and am surrounded by christians the more i realize that knowledge and gifts are really the dressings of a simple faith- the willingness to follow Christ." So its not a matter of thinking i should know more because i've been a christian for a certain amount of time. Everything you learn and everything you experience and are gifted with comes from a very simple willingness to trust. And in that... how do i overcome this fear? Do i just accept that i am human and will make mistakes?
It took me a long time to accept that i misinterpreted God's signs... strangely enough, it wasnt some huge Christian revelation or insightful advice that made this realization possible. It was a movie called Starwars 3. When Obi Wan is talking to Yoda about Anikan, he says to Yoda, "but master, he is supposed to fulfill the prophecy. he is the chosen one, is he not?" and Yoda responds, "a prophecy that misread could have been." I know this is silly, but in a weird metaphoric way, i realized that Yoda knew that he could be wrong. He made a mistake and wasnt afraid to admit that he could have read it wrong. Now i have a weird yet wonderful respect for Yoda and when i realized that someone that powerful and that respected knew that he was still imperfect; that he knew that there was still something above him and greater than him that had the answers.. thats when i realized that the force doesnt lie. Truth cannot be false and i am horribly imperfect! And i thought, am i too proud to admit that i could have been wrong? God is truth!
So thats when i decided i was wrong. Because this is the way is it, and God doesnt lie... somehow i mixed things up along the way, but thats ok. Thankfully i'm not condemned for making mistakes. Anyway... but my fear of trusting the wrong thing still has a hold of me. How do i shake this fear?