all the colors fade
I want to die. I feel so led on and so mistaken and I feel like I’ve been living a lie! I feel like I was led to believe something that isn’t true and hasn’t been this whole time.
I noted today, while talking to myself, that because of this whole, throwing away of feelings for me, he could have also realized that I really am not for him, which is totally fine! And that would actually make me feel a lot better to just KNOW that I’m not for him. And that is the doubt that’s been placed in my mind these last few weeks, that I’m not for him.
It’s really hard to go about my daily routine today… I feel like I have no strength. I feel like my entire last 2 months have been a complete illusion. I’ve made it all up and I am the biggest dumb ass in the world. How could I have believed these things to be true?
Really, the only strong reaction I’ve had through this so far is just.. disapointed in myself and the mistakes I’ve made. Like, if I hadn’t have messed up with Brett, none of this would have happened… and then maybe we would have found each other on our own… but I cant change it. Its just.. the way it is. And the way it is, is the way God wants it to be. I still feel like i'm living in a big illusion, though. Is God the illusion? No.. but it sure feels like it. I need to not be so trusting.
I noted today, while talking to myself, that because of this whole, throwing away of feelings for me, he could have also realized that I really am not for him, which is totally fine! And that would actually make me feel a lot better to just KNOW that I’m not for him. And that is the doubt that’s been placed in my mind these last few weeks, that I’m not for him.
It’s really hard to go about my daily routine today… I feel like I have no strength. I feel like my entire last 2 months have been a complete illusion. I’ve made it all up and I am the biggest dumb ass in the world. How could I have believed these things to be true?
Really, the only strong reaction I’ve had through this so far is just.. disapointed in myself and the mistakes I’ve made. Like, if I hadn’t have messed up with Brett, none of this would have happened… and then maybe we would have found each other on our own… but I cant change it. Its just.. the way it is. And the way it is, is the way God wants it to be. I still feel like i'm living in a big illusion, though. Is God the illusion? No.. but it sure feels like it. I need to not be so trusting.