In2p.
so i've just been sitting here eating and thinking, like i do every night when i should be doing homework. and i was thinking about what i want.... all i really want is someone who needs a friend in their life as badly as i do. not to say that i don't have friends because i do and love them dearly. i just want a friend who has no other friends but me. because all the friends i have, have other friends and i just feel weird about that because when they're spending time with me, all i can think is i wonder if they wish they were with their other friends right now, which is probably the case more often than not... i don't know what i'm saying. american idol is on and i'm slightly distracted. so sorry for not making sense. i guess i just want someone who i can spend every minute of every hour of every day with, who i won't get sick of and who won't get sick of me. but what sucks is that i'm not even sure if this person exists for me. i mean, there is this guy that i could imagine being with forever. but a. he doesn't live near me so i wouldn't be able to be around him even if i wanted and b. he has a girlfriend and would want to spend all his time with her. but you know, this person doesn't even have to be a guy. i just wish people didn't need so many friends. i have a few close friends. i don't want or need anymore. i just wish i could be good enough for them that they wouldn't need anyone else. you know what spurs these thoughts? fucking kevin smith. i envy him so much. he has his few close friends and it's been him and them since he was in high school and it's 20 years later and their crew hasn't changed. i want that, but can't say my friends feel the same way. i don't knowwww. i love kevin smith so much, but i digress. another thing i was thinking about, but this was on my 6 hour bus ride home on sunday, was my prospects for the future. i narrowed it down to 2 things. 1. i marry a man 20 years older than me, either divorced or widowed, who's just lonely enough get with me. OR 2. celibacy fo' life. and, to be honest, either one is fine with me. because i'm not even sure i want to have children, so if i marry someone old and divorced/widowed, he'll presumably already have kids, so that would be done with. and if i'm a celibate, well then that's that. i don't know why i think these things. i'm not sure how this entry sounds. i'm not sad about my bleak future or my selfishness, inasmuch as i don't want my friends to have any other friends but me, it's just fact. maybe i should be sad about it. who knows? i think i have mental issues. i think my loneliness and lack of a real intimate relationship with a male has brought it on. on a totally unrelated note, i can't wait until the summer. i think being an assistant manager and having the opportunity to be as influential in people's lives as joe was in mine will bring me a lot of joy. and my life is going well, i guess. school is good. my acting class is definitely my favorite. there's only about 15 of us and we've gotten really close and i've gotten a lot less self-conscious and it's really cool to have people tell you that you're a good actor. and i don't think they're bullshitting me either because there are some kids in the class that aren't good actors and no one tells them that they're good, so i can only assume they're being honest with me. i'm kind of bummed though because i have to get a new acting partner on monday and i really liked the one i had. there's this one guy that i kind of want, so i think i'll see if he wants me. he helped me practice my other scene and i think we have real chemistry... lol. acting is dope. wow. i really was expecting this to just be a short little thing, but when i get going... t'ain't no stoppin' me. except for the fact that i'm gonna stop now.