Merry FUCKING Christmas to me
You know how you can mentally prepare yourself for something... but then, when it happens, you are still awestruck?
That is how I am now.
My grandfather died last night.
And I blame myself.
Ah, so cliche for the teenage girl to blame herself for a death..... oh well.
I knew that something was wrong when I called my dad, to let him know we were seeing SWEENEY at midnight, and when I went to say goodbye he said, "I love you very much."
He NEVER says that.
I could tell by the tone of his voice something was wrong.... why oh why didn't I ASK HIM?!?!?! I was too absorbed in being selfish and wanting to see Johnny Depp. THat's why.
Instead of keeping up the THursday routine and going to the grandparents, I decided to be selfish and go see Sweeney at midnight.
And to think, all I was thinking about last night was having BRAGGING rights about seeing it at midnight.... honestly.... how horrible.
If I had been there, I'm sure I could have done SOMETHING to help.
What bothers me the most is I KNEW it was going to happen... I had a dream about it.....
AND I cant beleive dad let me call him A MILLION times talking about going to see this movie... and he said nothing.
He was waiting for me when I got out of the car at home..... I don't know how I didn't see it coming.... it just.... came....
I feel so horrible.
ANd I feel selfish because I am still going to go to Sams party tomorrow and I am still going to spend the night with Taylor and Liz.... but.... I just CANT be with my grandmother right now... as horrible as taht sounds....
I need to be SURROUNDED by happy people just so I can pretend nothing happened.
UGH.
That is how I am now.
My grandfather died last night.
And I blame myself.
Ah, so cliche for the teenage girl to blame herself for a death..... oh well.
I knew that something was wrong when I called my dad, to let him know we were seeing SWEENEY at midnight, and when I went to say goodbye he said, "I love you very much."
He NEVER says that.
I could tell by the tone of his voice something was wrong.... why oh why didn't I ASK HIM?!?!?! I was too absorbed in being selfish and wanting to see Johnny Depp. THat's why.
Instead of keeping up the THursday routine and going to the grandparents, I decided to be selfish and go see Sweeney at midnight.
And to think, all I was thinking about last night was having BRAGGING rights about seeing it at midnight.... honestly.... how horrible.
If I had been there, I'm sure I could have done SOMETHING to help.
What bothers me the most is I KNEW it was going to happen... I had a dream about it.....
AND I cant beleive dad let me call him A MILLION times talking about going to see this movie... and he said nothing.
He was waiting for me when I got out of the car at home..... I don't know how I didn't see it coming.... it just.... came....
I feel so horrible.
ANd I feel selfish because I am still going to go to Sams party tomorrow and I am still going to spend the night with Taylor and Liz.... but.... I just CANT be with my grandmother right now... as horrible as taht sounds....
I need to be SURROUNDED by happy people just so I can pretend nothing happened.
UGH.