Stream of consciousness...
So, as stated in my previous entry, yet further validated, boys are stupid. I am actually handling the whole situation rather well. Its more disappointment and frustration more than anything. Why ruin a perfectly good friendship? Over something that you aren't even sure you want in the first place?
I don't know. I think that part of me was after the unattainable. The boy that always steered away from relationships. The one that noone seemed to last long with. Like a wild horse or something. I could tame him. It wasn't like he was wild, but rather not "good at relationships". Does that make any sense?
And then part of me just wanted it to work just for appearance sake. That sounds so bad, I know. But everyone wanted it. Everyone. But I don't think my heart was ever completely in it. I knew it wouldn't last. He doesn't like dogs. Or cruises. Or naps. Or just being with someone, just to sit and be with someone without saying a word because words are not necessary.
I have known for a while that I didn't need it. I didn't need to compromise myself or my ways for anyone. Absolutely noone. I started to. I told myself that being affectionate wasn't important. It is. It is so important to me and I tried to persuade myself otherwise. He doesn't like to stand in the rain. Did I mention that? Or to just lay on the couch and watch television? Pretty insignificant to most, but not to me.
How could I let myself go on for so long? Convincing myself that it would work. He would change. I robbed myself of something so great and so real and so lasting. Of something I could never find in another...
I don't know. I think that part of me was after the unattainable. The boy that always steered away from relationships. The one that noone seemed to last long with. Like a wild horse or something. I could tame him. It wasn't like he was wild, but rather not "good at relationships". Does that make any sense?
And then part of me just wanted it to work just for appearance sake. That sounds so bad, I know. But everyone wanted it. Everyone. But I don't think my heart was ever completely in it. I knew it wouldn't last. He doesn't like dogs. Or cruises. Or naps. Or just being with someone, just to sit and be with someone without saying a word because words are not necessary.
I have known for a while that I didn't need it. I didn't need to compromise myself or my ways for anyone. Absolutely noone. I started to. I told myself that being affectionate wasn't important. It is. It is so important to me and I tried to persuade myself otherwise. He doesn't like to stand in the rain. Did I mention that? Or to just lay on the couch and watch television? Pretty insignificant to most, but not to me.
How could I let myself go on for so long? Convincing myself that it would work. He would change. I robbed myself of something so great and so real and so lasting. Of something I could never find in another...