Hey
Hello Journal how is it going? Well i know i havent updated this thing in a very long time well me and holly have been split up for quite a while. Alot of things have happened in my life mostly bad but im still here. When me and holly broke up i have really been taking things bad. I got caught at school with some weed and now im at success until January. Which isnt bad i like success i mean u get a recess and stuff but i miss all of my friends but more than that i am truly sorry for dissapointing my family. Well i seen holly the other day and i seen here in her new explorer its white but everytime a red cavalier drives by i still think of her. Yesterday brocks mom came by and gave me some pictures from prom last year and damn we all looked pimped out me and brock and holly and jessica were beautful. Sometimes i catch myself thinking of times me and holly had togethor but i try not to cause all i know is that im never gonna have a chance with her again. I really messed up and i know it but now its to late. U know after dads death everything starting going down hill. All i can do is take everything a day at a time. Sometimes i want to pick up the phone and call holly but i stop myself espically now that i know she has got a bf. I miss all the times me and her would hang out and just sit and talk until the sun comes up. If i could go back and change anything i would go back and try to change my ways with her but i cant so i have to just live with this the rest of my life. I doubt she will ever read this again but now i can truly say whats on my mind and not worry about anyone reading this. Everyone including me has a myspace but i come to the site because i know no one will read except maybe holly someday and i have no problem with her reading. Well her parents were correct about me she is to mature for me and i was not in her league she wants alot of things that i couldnt give her. I also think she outgrew me i mean she is in her 2nd year of college and im just a senior in high school. I have girls always wanting me to do something like hang out but im just not ready to do that. I still have my heart with her and i think everyone knows it. But at least she is moved on and isnt in hurting the only person i think that is hurting is me and maybe time will only heal me. Im not gonna be one of them guys that bothers her im gonna be there for her if she needs me. I always said i never cared what happened to her parents but i shouldnt have ever said that because i do care and i dont want to wish bad things on people. Like one night i said i wouldnt care if Patty Wilson Died well i hope one day god will forgive me because i do care and i know what its like to loose a parent and its nothing i want holly to go through right now. U know i can tell this is helping me and i am just sitting here almost in tears because this comes strait from my heart and i know that i gave my all to her and it just got hurt but im gonna have to learn how to deal with the pain in some certain way and i know that going to smoke some weed isnt going to help me all it does it take the pain away for a few hours then when u become sober again there right there back in your face. Today i talked to the counslor at Success he is a really cool guy and he is older than most people and he can still realate to me and i just told him everything about me and her. He has told me that im not like most young men im a very determined young indivual and if i want something bad enough i will get it. So im gonna take his advice and go with it. Im only at Success for a temporay place for schooling but when i do go back to nettleton i will be a changed person and i will look at the world in a different place. But im never gonna say im not gonna smoke weed again because i will never make a promise i cant take. But no one believes in me stopping weed well that fine with me i got myself into this alone i will get myself out alone if need be. Mom has left to go to Cancun and im gonna be staying with Chris my boss on Friday and Saturday but Thursday and Sunday i will be at my home and im gonna behave myself and have some fun with limits on it. Im not gonna smoke i may drink alittle but thats just because i like beer and i dont even know if ill drink. I hope one day Holly reads this and i hope she sees the change but i know if she does read this she wont leave a comment just because she doesnt want me to know if she is thinking of me. I know im not just a x bf to her i know i mean something specail everyone has there own special uniques things about themselves. The counslor said that he is more interested in me talking about holly then drugs because he knows im not hooked and he also knows for some1 to be with some1 for 2 years and loose them as fast as i did that its a very hard thing. But i dunno i think im gonna go in the living room now and watch alittle T.V. before i go to work. Ill update this Journal when i need to this was one of my best journals i think i have written in a vey long time only for the simple matter of it coming strait from my heart.
ERIC
ERIC